The Windy {City} Wilsons

Barefoot, Pregnant, and in the Kitchen

2012-01-26T19:31:00.000-06:00

... well, not the barefoot part. I much prefer socks or slippers in the house myself. My pregnant behind has definitely been in the kitchen a lot lately, however! I really love finding new creations to try out and it happens to be an excellent distraction from thinking about gestating like I do for the rest of the minutes in the day. Also, pregnant women (like myself, for example) quite enjoy gorging ourselves with food. It's definitely my pregnant prerogative and I'm quite good at the task.

A couple weeks ago we hosted some friends from our Monday night group and had Brinner. Coined by my lovely friend Alli, it's breakfast-dinner. I think she said Urban Dictionary also had a hand in naming our feast. We had just finished reading a marriage book called Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti and figured what better way to celebrate then to have a spaghetti dinner (done months ago) and a waffle feast! Here are the crappiest of iPhone photos for your viewing pleasure.

A random plate of food I snapped a photo of. Clearly not mine as I don't eat the sausage.

Regular waffles made by my lovely friend, Kathy.

Fancy-pants waffles made by ~~Williams Sonoma~~ myself. Go ahead... oh and ah about my mad Nikon skills.

They don't look all that sexy, but at least they look edible! I thought they were pretty tasty myself.

Breakfast potatoes also made by yours truly. My recipe is as follows: wash/dice potatoes and cook covered on medium with a small amount of olive oil (just to coat the bottom as the water from the potatoes will be sufficient for the rest of the cooking), seasoned salt, and cracked pepper. Cook covered until soft.

Alternate view of the kitchen island. Others brought over various syrups, whipped cream, fruits, chocolate chips, peanut butter, and sausage.

I mentioned in a recent Pinterest post about my interest to try the 7-Up biscuits. Well, let me just say that they were a big, fat fail. Not only did I only have one of the four ingredients in my house (butter) and had to visit multiple stores to purchase the rest of the items because I forgot them on my normal shopping trip (Bisquick, 7-Up, sour cream), but they didn't cook throughout and were more expensive than buying refrigerated biscuits at full price! And the good kind! Never making these again. Boo. We did salvage the tops and thought they were good, but not worth the effort again.

I made up a batch of veggie burgers the other day to freeze. I like to have these on hand, especially in the summer when everyone seems to be grilling. These are old photos from a previous time when I made them, but the same idea stands. I add different ingredients each time and this was no different. I start by mashing up some black beans, adding diced veggies, bread crumbs, nuts, flaxseed, spices, forming them into patties, and grilling over my stovetop skillet. I haven't mastered the consistency quite yet as they tend to fall apart easily and are a bit mushy rather than firm, but they are super high in protein and hearty. I'll keep working on things.

General ingredients I used this time:
2 cans black beans (smashed-- maybe I should smash them less and they will be less mushy?)
1 finely chopped onion
A few garlic cloves, finely chopped
1 green bell pepper, finely chopped-- can add anything you want. Carrots, zucchini...
1/4 cup sunflower seeds
A variation of spices you like: spicy mustard, cumin, chili powder, pepper, Sriracha, etc.
A dash or two, or five of Worcestershire (I eat fish, so this doesn't bother me)
Bread crumbs to firm them out (I used about 1 1/2 cups I think)
Flaxseed meal with a few tablespoons of water or an egg to bind.

Again, these were not from this go-around. I finely chopped the peppers and onions this time around and prefer it better that way. I let them cool on a baking rack once done and wrapped them in wax paper and threw them in a Ziploc for the freezer. I've had a few now and I should've added more spices. They're a bit bland. Note: always taste the mix before you start cooking. Hah.

We're headed over to a birthday party tomorrow night for a friend who is turning 30 and his wife requested we bring ice cream or attempt making it. Because they were so wonderful at making brownies for Ray's 30th birthday, we I decided to make two different recipes for ice cream. I pinned this recipe here and made it this afternoon. It's currently in the freeze process. I was going for a chocolate with peanut butter swirl... we'll see if it turns out. I had a hard time figuring out how much chocolate to use. The peanut butter strips were frozen on wax paper and pushed into the mix just before freezing. Had I not frozen them separately, I was afraid the PB would just blend into the ice cream and not remain strips of PB like I was hoping for. We'll see.

This recipe is a bit more complex as it requires freezing, hand blending, freezing, hand blending, and freezing again (quite the process!) but we'll see! I don't have a photo, but I plan to make a simple chocolate chip with this one. I bought a dark chocolate bar and chopped it up in my food processor. I just finished my second hand blending effort and plan to hand blend one more time before adding the chocolate pieces and leaving it to freeze firm. I'm not too confident in either recipe, honestly. Breyer's is so much cheaper and likely just as good. Hah. But... I've never tried this before and I'm always up for a time-consuming distraction, especially when it comes to food.

Source: recipetips.com via Brandy on Pinterest

To throw in a random ending for ya (but related to the kitchen), I was at a friend's house the other night and saw this on their fridge:

Hilarious.

Handling Fear

2012-01-21T11:13:00.002-06:00

Over the course of this pregnancy, my fear has changed. With that said, it's always been quite present and remains at a steady level (and elevating) as I reach the last month of this pregnancy.

Source: Uploaded by user via Pamela on Pinterest

In the first weeks, I was fearful of seeing another empty uterus, or even worse, a baby without a heartbeat. I had just suffered a miscarriage, so the idea of dealing with another D&C or loss was almost too hard to comprehend. I just tried to pretend like I wasn't pregnant, honestly. I was in denial and didn't talk about it or even really entertain the questions from others.

This whole mentality of maybe I am, maybe I'm not remained until about 19.5 weeks when we went in for our anatomy scan. At that point, we both just burst into tears as we left the MFM's office and said, "We just want to bring him home." It started to form more of a reality, but we knew that despite all the vitamins and love and preventative care, we had no control over whether this baby lived or not. No doctor would consider saving a baby at less than 20 weeks gestation.

After reaching 24 weeks, it became even more scary. And then there was 28 weeks. 32 weeks. All these weeks were terrifying because that meant doctors would and could intervene and each week was just icing on the cake. Better chances of survival. Less NICU time. Kristen wrote about how she feared her uterus might be more unsafe than having the baby outside and facing growth on its own in the NICU. That's a sad and scary thing to realize-- but most BLMs who have lost babies in utero probably agree as gestation extends far past viability.

In reality, it's best babies stay in utero and grow there. It's nature's way of babymaking and it's the proper way. But what about when your first baby dies during that "proper" way? You definitely place less faith in that trusty uterus and start having more frequent freakouts. The truth is, despite loss always being loss no matter when in gestation a baby dies, each week makes things harder. Being that much closer to a potential baby in your arms just to lose it again compounds the fear. Getting closer to when Andrew died makes me all kinds of crazy and that's very normal considering our reality of loss.

I try to channel the whole most babies live mentality whenever I can. Babies live despite the crazy people having them doing terribly unsafe things everyday. Everyday babies are born to people I wouldn't consider nearly as deserving as myself or some of the BLMs I've met who are desperate to realize that real-life parenting experience. To see love in their child's eyes and to share the world with them. People who don't even consider kick counts or extra supplements, or extensive ultrasounds, or frequent appointments (or any appointments!) are still having babies alive and healthy. Those people on TV who claim they "didn't even know they were pregnant" and go into labor without a single doctor looking at that baby? They're having healthy babies that come home with them and live with them.

Finding a doctor team who allows for you to be yourself in this fear and supports you is key. An OB and MFM team is helpful because that means more monitoring and more hands-on to reassure you is available. It also helps break up the time better between appointments. The at-home doppler we purchased for about $50 has been a lifesaver as well. In the beginning when the heartbeat wasn't as present, I didn't love it. It made me all kinds of crazy wondering if that was in fact the heartbeat of the baby or my own. Once he grew older, I used it to ease my fears. It's likely saved me from a few OB calls. Sometimes I just pull it out to remind myself that there is life within me.

But being totally honest, fear is always present and always in the forefront of my mind. Finding things to control has helped considerably-- breathing, writing, yoga, counting the vitamins in your jar (yes, I've done that), writing feverishly on calendars, planning appointments, reading extensively on kick counts, praying for strength and comfort, checklists, finding distractions... whatever can get you through one more day. This is a great time to fulfill those dreams of learning how to reupholster furniture or complete some of those Pinterest crafts you've been meaning to try, or even committing yourself to getting your life organized or learning to cook. Find a BLM or two that is currently pregnant again that can talk with you through those really hard days. You will not stop crying or missing your baby. That does not change just because a new one is currently forming in your womb.

I've also started creating goals. I've read this on many BLM blogs. Set a goal to reach 24 weeks, 28 weeks, etc. I tend to split up days between appointments in my head. For example, I am currently counting down until my growth ultrasound. Once I reach that milestone, I'll place another "goal" at delivery. It's somewhat irrational, but I'd say whatever can get you through this time is worth it. It's not easy.

I think we'll all channel fear (differently), but ultimately, as long as we're doing right by our babies and taking extra precautions and doing our homework, it's all we can do. The fear of losing our children will likely never go away-- even if and when they are finally safe in our arms. A month away and I'm still in denial about this baby coming home with us. I am none the wiser. We buy plenty of things but the nursery remains just as we left it on the day we came home empty handed from the hospital on December 7, 2010. I can't muster up the courage to tend to that and I don't feel like I have to. All we need is a healthy baby to bring home. Love will be enough. It just has to be. Because at the end of the day, I think it's all I have left to give.

Source: google.com via Sarah on Pinterest

Flip Update & Sunday Mornings

2012-01-20T16:33:00.000-06:00

I guess we could call this the home stretch. What a long s-t-r-e-t-c-h it is!

Breathe.

Every morning and evening, I wait for kicks before I can start my day or end my day. I read online recently about this woman's experience on how kick counts saved her son's life. Apparently he was in distress and she was able to detect that since he had not moved after having lunch (when she performed her kick counts). She mentioned that she performed a three solid kick count after every meal she had. It was easy for her as she was on bedrest and not occupied with anything else. She had lunch and... nothing. She was able to set up an NST for that afternoon and delivered her son within an hour via emergency c-section.

Now... I'm not on bedrest. Thankfully, I am not. I've been doing the same quick 3 kick count after every meal, counting kicks informally every morning after breakfast, counting kicks informally before bed at night and after dinner, and performing a formal kick count at 3:30 every afternoon. It's expected that you count 10 kicks within 2 hours and select a time of day when the baby is most active. Also, it's recommended to choose the same time of day, everyday. If I chose an active time, he'd pass his count within a minute! I am already doing informal counts during those times anyway, so I chose 3:30 as the time when he's usually least active to perform the formal count. Even when babies are sleeping, they still poke, nudge or roll just a bit. I lay on my left side for optimal blood/oxygen flow and count. I wake up at least 3-4 times per night (aka the pregnancy curse) and cannot fall back to sleep until I've felt at least one solid kick either. I first documented in my daily journal that I've kept this entire pregnancy (for the formal count only), then I started documenting start/stop and total amount of time to reach 10 kicks in the notes on my iPhone. Just today, I downloaded the pregnancy tracker free iPhone app on my phone. It has a button to press at the start, when each kick is achieved, and records exactly when everything occurs down to the second. I think this is definitely the way to go.

Today I started at 03:30:28 and the duration was 00:07:03 to achieve 10 total kicks. I'm also quite picky. Each kick, roll, punch or poke has to be independent (not trailing or connected to the last) and it has to be relatively strong. If I am not sure, I don't count it. I have my hands on my belly the entire time and try not to distract myself. This is serious business, people. The longest it's taken for him to achieve 10 kicks was 29 minutes (that was painful and scary), and the shortest was about 3 minutes. The average is about 12 minutes, however. I think waiting 2 hours is a little extreme, especially for someone who has already lost a child. If I don't feel 10 in one hour, I will definitely be on the phone with my OB or MFM. That's another reason I wanted to track a formal kick count during business hours-- to try and avoid another trip to L&D.

Phew. This is my brain and I can't stop it.

We had our first NST yesterday and it went quite well. I had about 3 contractions during our visit (though nothing I could feel). He had a nice heart rate and was kicking me like crazy. I'm not sure our little guy likes all those straps constricting him. He's about out of room as it is. My next growth ultrasound is coming up in early February with my MFM and an induction is likely going to be scheduled at the end of February. I'm being vague because nothing is really in stone as we all know. I also feel scared putting definitive dates on anything as if I'll jinx it from actually happening. But to think we could have a baby in our arms at the end of February? No words.

I am even considering going to my first OB appt. by myself this Tuesday. Ray has been to everysingle appointment with me this pregnancy. But, if we can hear the baby on the doppler and feel a few solid kicks, I feel comfortable going by myself since the appointment will be just an hour or so after Ray heads to work. It's unlikely I'll experience anything traumatic within an hour of him being home to feel/hear the baby. Sometimes we have to wait forever at the OB. I hate it. But, I refuse to see anyone but this crazy-awesome doctor and will wait 'til the end of time to see her and only her.

Now onto Sunday Mornings. We lost Andrew on a Sunday. At least, that's when I woke up and went into labor, suspicious about not feeling any kicks that morning as well. Sunday mornings haunt us a bit. We both wake up on Sunday and immediately hold my belly and talk to Flip with hopes that he moves like a maniac baby. Not that we can't lose a child on a Monday or Wednesday... or whatever. It's absolutely true that times, dates, and days haunt you when something so traumatic occurs. For a long time, I counted Sundays. I couldn't even look at the word Sunday for a long time after losing Andrew. You can likely sense our fear in repeating a groundhog day with this baby.

We're surviving. But can I say that I pull out my phone at least three times a day to count how many days we have left? As if the number of days left change multiple times in one day or something. Doesn't work that way. I sure wish it did.

Distraction projects/fun we have planned to get me through the end of January/February:
- Reading two books as part of BlogHer's book club: The Weird Sisters (in progress) and The Rules of Inheritance.
- Attempting to learn our DSLR and starting a 30-day assignment
- Cooking more and baking more bread
- Going away to Michigan to a cute hotel for a night (weather permitting)
- Blackhawks game
- Travel Expo (randomly purchased to pass the time... and we love to travel... why not, right?)
- Dinner with friends
- Working
- Mardi Gras party through House Party (I love them)
- Blogging, journaling, DVRing and watching trash television (oh hello, The Bachelor)
- A million, give or take, OB/MFM appointments

Name reveal to come... not sure why I haven't just up and posted that yet. I don't know. I can't explain my crazy sometimes.

Pinterest Has Invaded My Kitchen

2012-01-16T17:24:00.001-06:00

I'm not too big on Pinterest as a whole, but I do use it often for recipes. I think it's the best digital file I can find for recipes I'd like to attempt myself. There's just something about food being visual. That, and it organizes me way better than my file 'o' randomness I had going on in my kitchen before. Here are some recent pins I've made and the commentary...

European Peasant Bread

Source: peterandrewryan.com via Brandy on Pinterest

I wrote about this in my last post and actually made it yesterday! Of course that meant I had to invest in buying rye flour, whole wheat flour, and yeast, but it was incredible! I was nervous about halving the recipe since any time I attempt using yeast or powders in baking I fail miserably, but it ended up being quite fine! I was worried that my bread hardly rose at all, but it was meant to be a standard, dense bread and that it was. Perfectly crunchy on the outside and super hearty. Went perfectly with homemade split pea soup.

Here was my rendition... one dusted in flour and one not.

Paired with a homemade pea soup...

Crock Pot Split Pea Soup (how I make it):
1 bag split peas
1 medium onion, chopped
2 carrots, diced
2 large potatoes, diced
6 cups of water or stock (if just water, use a bouillon cube or two with low/no sodium)
1 tsp. cumin
1 tsp. thyme
1 tsp. dry mustard
Cracked pepper to your liking

Cook on high for 4 hours or low for 6 hours (or until consistency reached). Last night, mine was not thickening fast enough, so I added 1/2 cup mashed potatoes and voila! I didn't have any carrots or onions, so I subbed with a hearty helping of onion powder and just didn't add the carrots. It's really quite versatile and as long as you like split pea soup (p.s. I hate real peas, but love this soup), you can add your favorite veggies/spices. I almost never make it exactly the same way every time because it is so versatile. That, and it's crazy high in protein! If you aren't a veggie or cooking for a non-veggie person, I recommend making and chopping up some bacon to sprinkle on the top. That way the flavor is altered to their liking and they are getting some meat protein as well-- though it's not necessary as a veggie dish can often be just as hearty as a meat dish.

Zesty Slow Cooker BBQ Chicken

Source: momandmore.com via Brandy on Pinterest

Super easy and everyone loved it! Ray's parents even called for the recipe to replicate at home! It's a very standard recipe with only a few ingredients: 6 chicken breasts, 1 bottle BBQ sauce, 2 tbsp. Worcestershire, 1/2 cup of Italian dressing, 1/4 cup brown sugar. Super easy and they all loved it. I couldn't tell you if it's good or not, but the husband seemed to like it well enough and it's healthier than pulled pork like I usually make.

Roasted Brussel Sprouts w/ Balsamic & Olive Oil

Source: whiteonricecouple.com via Brandy on Pinterest

Loved it. I would add an extra healthy portion of balsamic next time, however. They were delicious but didn't have enough kick to them.

Baked Vegetable Spring Rolls

Source: fortheloveofcooking-recipes.blogspot.com via Brandy on Pinterest

Definitely delicious. I believe they call for egg roll wrappers, but I used spring roll wrappers and was equally pleased.

Vegetarian Baked Southwestern Spring Rolls

Source: annies-eats.com via Brandy on Pinterest

Oh so good. We loved these even more than the Asian-inspired ones! If you'd like, adding chicken can easily turn these into an amazing carnivore side dish or appetizer. I think we even made these one night for dinner. Since they are baked in spring roll wrappers (virtually fat free), it's quite a healthy meal in itself!

Pioneer Woman's Grilled Corn Guacamole

Source: thepioneerwoman.com via Brandy on Pinterest

Love. There's nothing really to it, but the combination and the grill flavor makes it all taste incredible. Anything avocado/guacamole pretty much has me sold, though. As you could tell from my last post about that avocado pasta which I fully intend to make very soon.

Two Ingredient Pumpkin Muffins

Source: sweet-verbena.blogspot.com via Brandy on Pinterest

They turned out quite well, moist, and decent. I wouldn't say they were earth-shattering and ended up being more like cupcakes with a hint of pumpkin then muffins... but still good. Sure, I'd make them again. My friend Alli even added chocolate chips to hers and they also turned out moist and lovely.

Pioneer Woman's Black-Eyed Pea Dip

Source: thepioneerwoman.com via Brandy on Pinterest

I didn't have the black-eyed peas on hand but made it with black beans instead. Still incredible. Will definitely make again as a pretty phenomenal bean dip to change-up the ol' 7-layer dip favorite. Or like in the Midwest, I've seen lots of people make a 2-3 layer dip with taco seasoning mixed with sour cream and topped with shredded cheese. All fat... of course and none of the wholesome protein in the beans/avocado. But that's the Midwest for ya!

Homemade Tzatziki Dip

Source: causeilikefood.blogspot.com via Brandy on Pinterest

Almost entirely fat free when made with fat free Greek yogurt and incredibly high in protein/calcium. And did I mention absolutely delicious? On the list of definitely making this again and again.

"Potentially Life Changing One-Pot Mac n' Cheese"

Source: whiteonricecouple.com via Brandy on Pinterest

While good, I wouldn't consider it life-changing. You basically cook the noodles in milk (not water) and they absorb the milk. Once absorbed, you add cheese and it's done. No straining any liquid = one pot. The more bite the cheese has, the less cheese you will need (naturally, as the flavor is bolder). I have tried this recipe twice now and I think it's fine. I like getting my calcium this way, especially in a dish that's usually quite high in fat content. I hate physically drinking milk, so cooking my noodles in milk packs the calcium in for me and I love that. I've used romano, asiago, sharp cheddar, and parmesan. All strong cheeses. Decent, not life-changing. Sure, I'd make it again.

And a few I cannot wait to try...

Brie & Apple Tarts

Source: bloghungry.typepad.com via Brandy on Pinterest

We're having people over in a couple weeks and we'll be providing appetizers. This is definitely what I'll be making. I may even make some with a little ham for a non-vegetarian's snack. How can you go wrong with pastry, brie, and apples anyway?

Homemade Ice Cream without the ice cream maker

Source: kevinandamanda.com via Brandy on Pinterest

I am afraid this will be too creamy, but I love how easy the recipe is. I love her website for more than just recipes. One, she's an incredible photog and has been helpful in teaching us some cool DSLR tricks... and then there's the baking. She's fabulous. I love her energy. And did I mention that I once won a giveaway by commenting on her site? A bunch of ice-cream related items. Nummers.

Blue Moon Cupcakes

Source: missmake.com via Brandy on Pinterest

While I don't love the wheat beers as much as the pale ales and ambers, I would love to try my hand at these. I imagine once I'm not gestating I'll be able to drink a beer while making said cupcakes. :)

7-Up Biscuits (only 4 ingredients!)

Source: plainchicken.com via Brandy on Pinterest

These get incredible reviews and I see them all. over. the. internet. People rave about them. I just wish I wouldn't keep forgetting to buy the darn Bisquick at the store.

Crock Pot Chicken Tikka Masala

Source: themealplanner.blogspot.com via Brandy on Pinterest

I've never attempted Indian food, let alone in a crock pot! But, we love it. It's one of my favorite types of food, actually. There's something about all the flavors and being a veggie. For some reason it's often assumed that vegetarians don't like meat and therefore don't like spices and flavor. At least that's an issue I run into a lot. On the contrary, I love spice and flavor... I just don't want the animal added in! I'm anxious to see if the husband will enjoy this. We usually get our Indian fix by buying the $2 boil-in-a-bag at TJ's. Before you scoff, try them! They are surprisingly pretty tasty and quite filling paired with some quinoa and a grilled veggie (usually fresh green beans).

I'll let you know more successes as they come! We're having friends over tonight for breakfast for dinner. I'll be serving up some Organic Oatmeal waffles, breakfast potatoes, and others will be bringing dishes to add to the mix.

What about you guys? Anyone tried any of the above recipes (since a few are very popular on pinterest)?

When Random REALLY Means Random

2012-01-14T21:19:00.000-06:00

Remember the Monopoly game McDonald's puts on once a year? The one where you peel off a little label and win free fries or gain the coveted Boardwalk piece? Well, a local grocery store here in Chicagoland is playing a similar game called Wish Big, Win Big. I rarely shop there because their produce is crap, but when I do, I collect game pieces for our board. You can win an iPad, cash, a car, etc. etc. But mostly you win a free donut (which is a huge score for a pregnant chick) or nothing at all.

My husband should take full credit for this, but we won. We won.

TWO DOLLARS.

Moving on.

I'm having a hard time dealing with loss and struggle lately. A girl I work with, only 25, just lost her mom in October. She woke up to find her dead on the couch. She then had to endure her mom's birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas with her sister and dad while attempting to piece through the loss. She's on antidepressants and confessed to me she's been drinking a bunch, started smoking, and can't afford therapy that she thinks she needs. To add to the madness, she went in for a routine OB appt. and they found abnormal cells that require a biopsy (possible pre-cervical cancer) and a lump in her breast. Breast cancer runs in her family as well. Why so much heartache?

Our favorite pastor at our local church is 55 years old and was diagnosed 2 months ago with stage 4 carcinoma that is all throughout his body. He was suffering from severe back pain and found out he is terminal.

Why loss, heartbreak, and all other sufferings happen upon some people, but others are spared simply boggles my mind. Why was my son to be the one of the 26,000 stillbirths a year and not any other person I know to give birth that year? Why was my friend's son Nathanael born with hydrocephalus? Why was my other friend's son born too early-- though thankfully spared? Why such a rough start? I'll attempt to ween myself away from this topic as it plagues my heart everyday... but I'll never accept this reality of loss and struggle for the innocent and wonderful people I've met in life.

I saw this on Pinterest and thought... yeah. freaking. right. Disagree.

Not sure about my followers, but somehow a house foreclosure or whatever sounds a little better than living the rest of my entire life without my son. Life is hard and we all have our struggles. But I have to say that some struggles manage to last a lifetime while others can be repaired or improve. Loss? Notsomuch.

Moving on.

I finished teaching my second MA course (but first all by myself!) on December 12th. I was just sent the results of my student evaluations and received all "agree" or "strongly agree" related to my teaching abilities... in addition to this wonderful comment:

This was the best experience I have had in this program so far. The
teacher did an excellent job giving examples and explaining her
requirements.

I'm teaching this course again in March and it's all set up and ready to go! That definitely brightened my day when I read it. I imagine it's really hard to handle receiving poor reviews from college students. Luckily, these are grad students and not undergraduate students. I remember being an undergrad and disregarding my professors as people at times. All of that changed when I entered grad school, of course. Thankfully, these students have treated me with great respect. I realize that won't happen every semester... but thrilled that this was the feedback for this go-around. I can use all the encouragement I can get at this point!

Moving on.

I was chosen as one of BlogHer's book reviewers for The Weird Sisters. My review to come. I'm quite excited to read this book! Gets 4/5 stars with 160 reviews on Amazon.

Moving on.

I'm a big Yelper. I love trying new places and always consult Yelp on our travels for little gems. I've been Yelp Elite status for three years and was just picked up as Yelp Elite for my fourth year in a row! I'm not compensated or anything... just love trying new places and reading reviews myself. They do host Yelp Elite-only events which I occasionally attend and score free dinner and libations. We've had some delicious and free eats thanks to Yelp! I do have a degree in journalism and sort of love writing for free. I know that might boggle some minds, but I enjoy it. Plus, it allows me to document where we eat/visit so I can remember what I ate, what I loved/hated, and places I'd love to re-visit. I also want to keep my faves in business and touting them definitely helps their business! I found this dorky article about us Elites this week.

You're probably wondering why the heck I bothered to mention that. Well... I reviewed a local Jewish deli the other day after being told to try it for months now. I told Ray about it and he'd been twice before taking me there... and he's since introduced his Friday lunch group to the place and they keep asking to go back. Well, I loved it. No surprise there. Five stars and a fabulous review. Because of my review, the manager emailed me and offered a free sandwich on my next visit. Score!

Moving on.

Speaking of freebies, my friend Alison sent me something free. The cutest little Kleenex box ever! There are 15 tissues in that cute, little Flip-sized box.

She knows me so well. I love receiving mail and I especially love freebies! I refuse to admit how much fun, free stuff I receive in the mail each week. Hah. It definitely makes it worth visiting the mailbox in the winter. Well, I have since stopped that little endeavor since ice and snow = a very scared Brandy. I even had someone escort me to my car the other day after work. I'm taking no chances. None.

Moving on.

The comments are starting to flow with this pregnancy.
"You're almost done! You can do it!" (yep, done it before)
"Just wait until he's here... you'll never get any sleep!" (don't get me started on how annoyed that makes me)
"You're going to love having a son!" (yeah, I think I would've loved having a son 13 months ago too)
or... any advice related to pregnancy and/or parenting.

I had a complete stranger ask me if she could touch my belly on Friday. I didn't know her name and she didn't know mine. As a matter of fact, I'd never seen her before in my life. All I could do was respond by saying, "Haven't experienced this in awhile, have you?" Seriously, what else am I going to say? Back off... I have a dead child and this is my second chance at possibly having a spark of my dream come true and I'm utterly uncomfortable by you near me?

Sigh. Moving on.

My friends Alli and Liz both use this special wifi card to send their pictures from their camera automatically to their computer through a wifi network. As long as you have wifi connected and are within the network's reach, the pictures will automatically upload to your computer immediately upon taking them. Cool eh? It's definitely awesome.

Moving on.

We bought Flip a Christmas present today. Seems a little presumptuous, I know. We attended this event at Ikea and scored free breakfasts, free bags, and BOGO lunch... but also went to check out the Ekorre rocking moose. We love moose. We bought Andrew a moose wall hanger for the nursery and knew that when we saw this bad boy, we had to buy it for Flip. The only reason we bought it was because they are discontinuing the item and figured it was our last chance at it. It's put away in a closet to hopefully be used by a special little boy in the next year or two. Note: I typed in Ekorre to Google images and up popped this:

Apparently there is such a thing as an Ekorre-- European red squirrel.

Here's what I was meaning to search for:

Moving on.

Flip updates to come along with a name reveal in the next week or two. I'm part lazy, part apprehensive. We plan to start a DSLR tutorial schedule tomorrow. Also, I pinned two things on Pinterest that I pretty much want to make like immediately. That sounds like a good way to end this smorg of a post.

European Peasant Bread

Source: peterandrewryan.com via Brandy on Pinterest

and...

Avocado Lime Pasta

Source: newlywoodwards.com via Brandy on Pinterest

Home Reno Updates. Finally.

2012-01-13T14:36:00.002-06:00

A little over one year ago I posted about stripping the wallpaper in our laundry room. It's been done for about a year, too. I guess it's time for the unveiling, eh? Note the pink/purple/blue speckled wallpaper with the flowery trim border. Not exactly our style. Had to go. It does get tricky when dealing with small spaces that house large appliances, however. This project was a speedy one as we didn't want to run out of underwear.

Here's the only other photo I took and there are no other angled shots. But, this is pretty much how bare-bones our laundry room was. To the left of where I was standing to take the shot is the door to the kitchen and the rest of the house. To the right is the garage door. Straight forward is our deck (outside) and just behind where I was standing is our enormous pantry. The door was not only rotted, but did not have a weather seal! In Chicago! Note the classy duct tape to keep the cool air out. It was practically leaking money every single month. We also needed to replace it because we had no key to enter it from the outside.

And these are the after shots I took this afternoon.

A new sink needed to be added to replace a very dirty old sink that was speckled and basically looked like it was made in 1900. Though, I have to say that this one is considerably cheaper in quality and construction. There's something to say for older models and well-built items. But, we were being superficial and this would be the result.

I don't love the paper towel storage on top, but we're a bit too lazy to schlep them all the way to the basement. I dream of cute baskets to go on top, but then again... I can't even reach the paper towels half the time and they'd just be a breeding ground for lint and dust.

Note the new door and the amazing, incredible, magnetic and wood-stained (by us) whiteboard by Ghent. We wanted a place that we could keep mementos, coupons, paperwork, cute kid drawings (I dream...), etc. etc. I think it will come quite in handy when we do have little ones to plan for. Our stainless steel fridge is not magnet-friendly and we appreciate the lack of clutter in our kitchen anyway... hence the whiteboard. It's the catch-all. That, and it did a spectacular job of covering up our notsofabulous spackle job underneath. This room was particularly difficult to get smooth because 1. we were lazy, 2. we used a semi-gloss paint which highlights all imperfections in the walls in a room with lots of natural light, and 3. there were itty bitty holes (and large ones) everywhere and it felt nearly impossible to sand it seamlessly.

We also re-stained the doors to the pantry, garage, and all the trim in the room.

New door. With keys that really work! The rugs are pretty cheap and I think we paid about $10 for the runner and $3 for the other one at Ikea. Nothing special there.

And finally... the cabinets. We bought cabinets already pre-made from Home Depot for $108. What a difference it makes! It houses all of our laundry detergent, spot cleaners, bleach, lightbulbs, etc. It sure beats having it on the floor like I used to before they were installed! I also like that the toxic chemicals/items like the bleach and fluorescent lightbulbs no longer being under my kitchen sink. The light fixture was also relatively inexpensive at about $15 from Menards, a Midwest Home Depot equivalent.

And then there's distraction project #2 that was all about scraping popcorn from our ceiling, stripping wallpaper, and painting. The reveal is not as drastic because we chose to strip the wallpaper and replace it with paint of the same shade and color. We didn't mind the wallpaper, but it was dated and had some holes and discoloration. That, and we needed to have a wallpaper-free house... finally. After five rooms of stripping, peelings, scraping, screaming, wanting to rip our eyebrows out, priming, priming, priming, painting, painting, and finally hanging all the crap back on the walls, we were d-o-n-e. But, we love the result. Who would've thought that the wallpaper we expected to be the easiest to strip off would've been the hardest the handle with the least amount of change and wow-factor. Of course it is. We nearly decided to replace all of the drywall-- it was that bad. And did I mention that this was also the only room with popcorn ceiling that needed to be scraped? Yeah, there was that, too. Nothing too exciting here except upgrading to a real TV stand (thank you Craigslist!), a real big person television, DVR, and ditching the VHS tapes/VCR for our Wii. Yes, we still own a VCR.

Aside from the wallpaper being stripped, we also got rid of that light and replaced it with lamps from Target on our new end tables. But don't worry. We're still keeping it real with my college couches. They are Bauhaus so I guess they aren't too terrible. Especially with our lovely Surefit slip covers. Totally recommend those, btw.

The transformation for what it's worth...

Popcorn ceiling be gone! Freshly painted ceiling, beams, and trim all through the room... which was another nightmare in itself because we decided to buy some fancy primer that didn't work. Turns out the cheap stuff can sometimes work better.

Our new fireplace. Try to forget that you're seeing a yellow gas line on the right. We haven't gotten around to spray painting that with fire-retardant black spray paint just yet. That is also in the category of we're really tired of this room and will probably never get around to it.

Notice the lamps on the new end tables. The end tables are from Target and surprisingly super sturdy and gorgeous.

I don't recommend the lamps, though they were really inexpensive and from Target as well. We just wanted simple lamps with a dark base.

The lamps came as a set of three-- two table lamps and one awkwardly short, floor lamp. It was less than 5" tall and just didn't fit in our room.

We took out the large piece from the center and placed it near the loveseat on the fireplace ledge. You can see it in this photo best.

Say no to popcorn.

We're pretty wiped out now. We haven't really tackled another house project since the summer when we completed our family room/informal living room. We're constantly maintaining as every homeowner does, but no major transformations to be shown. Is it baby time yet?

Recently in the 'Burbs...

2012-01-05T17:15:00.001-06:00

...Ray's parents came into town. They were here for a couple days and left on New Year's Day.

We managed to pack in a raclette dinner, hibachi, a tour of Eli's Cheesecake, three movies and saw the musical, The Sound of Music.

They arrived with three movies to pass the time... which were all good, by the way! Source Code, Morning Glory, and The Help. We aren't big movie watchers and had yet to see any of the titles they brought. We had to save The Help for last as I was about halfway through reading the entire book of 544 pages on my iPhone (which = 1661 mini pages). I rent-downloaded it from the library for free and it couldn't be downloaded on my Nook, so I had to read it via computer or iPhone. I wanted something to read on the airplane back from South Padre, so I chose the iPhone. The nook was a birthday gift from my parents and I do enjoy reading on it-- I just don't love the exorbitant cost of books when I can buy them paperback for the same price! Case in point-- The Hunger Games trilogy is cheaper when purchased separately. Silly if you ask me. But the Nook itself is quite nice to read on and I very much enjoy it.

Anyway... I had to finish the book before watching the movie. I was literally finishing the last page of the book as the clock struck midnight in this here state on New Year's. Hoorah. 2012 has arrived. I was getting quite anxious throughout the book despite knowing it's A. historical fiction, and B. somewhat resolved as an issue (segregation). Thankfully.

If you haven't read, it's a fantastic read. I wouldn't qualify it as the best book I've ever read by any means, but a pretty darn good read that you'll want to finish in a few days. There are three main characters, one of them being a housemaid, Aibileen. She speaks frequently in the book about missing her son, Treelore who was killed at the age of 24. Her words are powerful:

"I feel tears come up in my eyes, cause three years just ain't long enough. A hundred years ain't gone be long enough."

She's so right on. We're at 13 months now and while the pain stings less, it still stings and will always put a bitter taste of sadness in my mouth. A longing and hope that will never be achieved. Never reached. Never attained. The innocence and perfection born within my son will always be but a {bitter}sweet memory.

Our reviews on the movies:
Source Code: I'll admit that I didn't watch it-- apparently Sci-fi and decent. My father-in-law rated it best of 3. I don't do Sci-fi much, but it was taped in Chicago... so bonus points.
Morning Glory: Cute little film, but I had a hard time with the romance aspect. It was just thrown in there like it was completely unnecessary to the plot. I'd rate it a B+.
The Help: Good, but obviously not as good as the book. The richness of print just pops at you when every detail is realized. Because I was fresh from finishing it just hours before, I knew when Hilly's dress was green instead of red at the banquet and would've preferred the accuracy to align with the book. While that doesn't add or subtract to the plot any, I found the storyline relatively pinned. The message was not lost, but the details were at times. I'm sure glad they showed Mae Mobley taking a bathroom break on Hilly's front lawn as they did in the book. As usual, the public was not versed on how graphic and tragic the loss of a child is in-utero like it depicted much better (and hard to read for me) in print. I understand... but sometimes I just want the audience to understand the tragedy better as I've lived it. Glazing over the details of child loss suppresses the issue and makes it seem less important. Feigning ignorance is not always the answer.

Now onto some photos...

This factory tour is rated one of the top 5 or something in the country. Other than lots of free cheesecake and learning some cool facts via video/speaker, the tour was a bust. We spent about 7 minutes in the actual factory where the workers were busy and only saw some decorating of cookies and cheesecake. We wanted to see the mixing and baking-- nope.

Before entering the factory...

We purchased a turtle cheesecake for $6 along with 3 dipped cheesecakes and all the freebies they gave us.

We went for hibachi one evening since Ray's dad loves it. It's one of our favorite local joints...

Here we are at The Sound of Music. It was an excellent production despite sitting in the equivalent of Southwest Airlines seats. Hah. Pregnancy makes me even more annoyed with close quarters and people around me...touching my arm. Ick.

Raclette dinner on New Year's Eve. Just before finishing up that book. :)

Closeup of raclette because the last two times I've blogged about it, my pictures were awful!

Photos courtesy of my mother-in-law who is excellent at documenting our time together.

An update of our renovations from last year's distraction projects to come. Right after I kickstart my first DSLR tutorial this weekend. Which probably means I should plan out some learning time, eh? Prepare to be amazed with my less-than-stellar-and-probably-won't-be-any-better-with-an-expensive-camera skills.

Blindly Pressing Forward

2012-01-04T16:33:00.000-06:00

I've had a few scares the last couple days. Well, only one scare where we discussed the option of calling my OB but were relieved by kicks moments later. And then it set me on edge for a few days after. I feel like I'm "coming down" from that insanity now, like it ever really goes away for very long.

I've started kick counts and I've never done those before. I realize "they" say that kick counts could help the mother determine a change over time and therefore prevent a stillbirth by acknowledging a decrease in movement. But what if the movement decreases for a few hours (like not feeling anything) and then the kicks are nonstop for an hour a bit later? Babies have sleep cycles. I know this. Babies grow most while sleeping and need to sleep. I know this. That sure doesn't help my anxiety any, of course.

And how about it being so unscientific, these kick counts and other methods of attempting to avert disaster? I just hate how there is no control. I've never, ever had control and I'm aware of it. It doesn't mean I like it or am handling it well by any means. His movements are changing. They're still present, but he's filling out his space so well that he doesn't punch as much and has now moved on to rolling motions. My OB even commented about this likely being a big baby... whatever that means. NSTs will start this month along with extra monitoring as I approach what should be considered the home stretch. Again, whatever that means.

We're in the 50's. As in, I'll be holding a child, of mine, in my arms at some point in the next 50+ days. Only time will tell if that child will be healthy and alive. I just can't lose another baby that could be viable and alive and well and healthy outside of my womb. And there's no telling I would or should. Millions upon millions of women give birth every year to babies. Babies who are born healthy without extra monitoring or kick counts or fanaticism. I never hear of stillbirth in my real life pocket. Not with friends, co-workers, parents of students. Maybe they aren't telling. Maybe it's happening out there (well, it is to about 26,000/year). But I sure don't know about it. What I do know is that everyone and their freaking best friend is either pregnant or delivering healthy babies all around me. It's got to be my turn, right? Right?

We talk to this baby nonstop. Part of me is trying anything to just bond so that maybe my words or the amount of I love yous I blurt out will somehow result in a live child. Like I didn't talk to Andrew just as much or rub my belly enough to save his life. No amount of being frantic can control the fate I will be served.

I have fears of PTSD and PPD and all those things as well. But right now, I just need a live baby. My own crazy can be dealt with as it needs to be once this little one is safely alive in my arms.

Godspeed, my child. I promise I will spoil you and pick you up nonstop and do all those things those stupid parenting books tell me not to because of attachment or whatever. Those books have long since been shelved as I fully intend to cradle you and smother you with so much love. You have no idea.

South Padre Island, TX

2011-12-30T17:02:00.003-06:00

I've gotta be honest. Ever since I switched over to the iPhone, I've taken nothing but crappy photos because I'm too lazy to bring another camera along with me. When we travel, I have a serious distaste toward lugging around anything but a hand clutch for a purse. I refuse to carry anything over the shoulder unless it's a full-on backpack. Hence the iPhone and not the camera. Perhaps if I had a certain little guy to take photos of (Andrew), I'd give more of a crap. But I don't. And my photos have taken a serious dive.

I am promising to learn how to use our fancy camera. So what if it's been 13 months since we purchased the dang thing and I've literally held it in my hands about 3 times. Return on investment at this point is definitely in the negatives.

Anyway, enough about that. I was just providing a disclaimer as to why our photos from our trip suck so incredibly bad. That, and it was a distraction/avoidance trip to get us through the holidays more than anything, to be honest. Much like everysingletrip we've taken this year, especially our cruise to the Bahamas. Bittersweet for sure. But thankful we even have the funds to take trips, I know. That is not lost to us.

Without further adieu...

A stone's throw from Mexico.

We visited a Birding Center and there were actually, surprisingly, quite a few birds to be seen. Not really into birds all that much, but when the weather is Scheiße, you must find things to do. Hence the birds.

Some nice lady gave us a scavenger hunt sheet and we probably managed to check off about 8 of the 20 birds. Not bad.

Notice the jackets we're wearing in nearly every photo. As we landed in Harlingen, the flight attendant commented about us being allowed to grab our luggage and coats. Then she made a remark about not knowing why we'd need coats because we did just land in Harlingen, TX. She really should've checked the weather report that had 50's and raining about 75% of our trip. We found this sandcastle in front of Clayton's Bar & Grill. I can just picture the spring breakers sitting on that deck... and yet thankful that I'm no longer one of them.

You don't suppose the Hilton could've sprung for a capital letter for the ol' "T" in Texas, eh? Guess not.

Our very last day and just hours before we found ourselves back on a plane. The first time it jumped over 60 degrees.

We spent lots of our time indoors at this lovely joint.

Dinner at a Mexican joint.

Dinner on Christmas night at Padreritaville. Those would be chocolate nachos. That's right. Cinnamon chips topped with drizzled chocolate, shaved chocolate pieces, and whipped cream. So good.

The weather was attempting to warm up and the husband was being brave. Over on Port Isabel just wandering around shrimping boats and various randomness.

We seem to find these often! Our last getaway from the world trip to the Bahamas in February landed us on a beach where we saw Portuguese Man-of-War for the first time. We had lots of beach walks on our trip totaling probably around 12ish miles. That's always a bit therapeutic since I'm often reminded by my husband that before the Germany>Chicago move, I'd never lived more than 5 miles from a beach in my life.

We also ran into jellyfish all over the beach. Foot = size reference.

Quick story about our luck with rental cars. First car was a little red rollerskate. We drove away with a rattling rear-view mirror. As soon as Ray attempted to adjust said mirror, it broke off in his hand. We drove 30-some miles back to tell them and the lady was rude... but gave us another vehicle. We get 10 miles away from the rental car place and the maintenance light flashes on. Are. you. kidding. me. HERTZ is not a favorite. Thankfully, their lovely supervisor was there when we finally returned the second car on Tuesday and assumed we just had bad luck. You said it lady. You said it. We rented a Jeep SUV once in Colorado about 2 years ago and the dang thing wouldn't even make it up the mountain. We were going 20mph at full speed. To say our luck sucks with rentals is totally underestimated. Hah.

To wrap up, we had a fine time getting out of dodge, but obviously we'd have given anything to have a normal, bubbly Christmas like we anticipated just over a year ago. Stockings, excited-about-life toddler, Christmas lights, etc. etc. It was only fitting that it rained a good portion of our time there. We always enjoy the chance to get away together, but not as much when it feels like we're running away from the life that should've been. It's so hard to break free of that possibility of life being so much fuller... so much richer. Here's to hoping 2012 doesn't suck as bad as the end of 2010 and all of 2011-- aside from Flip's existence.

No New Year's resolutions or whatnot. Just glad the year from hell is finally over.

Photos That Didn't Fit, 2011 Edition

2011-12-29T15:41:00.003-06:00

Randomly throughout the year I take photos of various things that don't make it to a blog post. And here they are. I've decided to make this a yearly tradition before I switch the photos over to our backup hard drive.

I intended to post this long ago, but my MIL sent us The Big Bang Theory t-shirts to kick off the new season (in September, I believe?). I was just starting to really show and was definitely sucking in the gut in this photo. Hah.

There's a running joke at Ray's company about llama poop. I won't go into detail, but Ray ordered a llama cookie cutter long ago and we finally got around to making cookies for a presentation he had last month. Also, back in Los Angeles, Ray started a small company called Lunch Llama to serve the needs of Los Angeles Air Force Base where he was stationed after USAFA. They had little parking and few food options... and therefore decided they needed a lunch ordering/delivery service and that was the name. So much llama in our lives.

Ray enjoying his birthday freebie Red Robin Whiskey River burger. I get this as veggie and it's seriously the best burger setup ever. Ever.

My brother recently married a girl from the Ukraine and they sent us a package of chocolates and this lovely Matryoshka doll (right). It now sits with African man (from when Ray climbed Kilimanjaro after college) and the pot from Mexico (Ray also acquired during business in South Padre Island and crossed over into Mexico for dinner one evening. You know, before you'd get shot up for considering). And all that sits on the wooden chest that's been in my family for years. It's a fragile thing and I will consider shanking someone if they dare sit on it or place a cold drink.

Our friend Jenny dropped by some incredible, homemade chocolate croissants a couple months ago. She then told me that these (local) French nuns make a pretty mean croissant and to search for them at the farmer's market. I found the nuns at a local flea market and split one of these lovelies with my friend Liz.

Here we are at the flea market back in November. Alli, myself, and Liz after eating delicious bites of chocolate croissant. Random photo opp as there is a buried dude in the ground?! We were equally confused but found it funny enough to snap a photo with.

My husband brought home some lovely flowers in October that I don't believe I shared. Maybe I did?

We made some red-velvet whoopie pies and decided they are far too sweet for our liking. I'm not much of a baker as I've said before. I continue to stand behind this theory. I can never get it quite right. The butter being the right temperature, the rigidness of the ingredients and powders... I just prefer to buy my baked goods or indulge in some made by friends who have far greater a talent than myself.

Pictures of South Padre Island and our trip coming soon!

Traveling as a Paranoid, Pregnant BLM

2011-12-24T21:25:00.003-06:00

Yep, the doppler. Last time we traveled without it, we were both in tears and contemplating a trip to the hospital. Thirty minutes later, a kick ended our absolute terror. No more chances being taken even if this babe is large and bulgy in my belly as of now. In other news, Texas is cold and rainy. Not exactly what we had in mind breaking out of (unseasonably warm, yet cold) Chicago.

And the only Christmas you'll be seeing on this blog for the 2011 year is coming at you right now. The airport had free Santa pictures. I wasn't interested in taking advantage until they told me we'd get a $20 discount on our next booked Southwest flight. I didn't find out until after that the code is only good for a bracket of time that still has me gestating this little one.

Basically, I am just a massive dork. Picture proof.

Not planned. And I also look like a whale. That's an extra present from me to you. Cheers.

Also, completely unrelated, but my husband has no recollection of the show Charles in Charge. He asked me if it was on cable because he didn't have cable growing up. Gasp.

Preparing for Flip

2011-12-18T19:33:00.000-06:00

Flip's what we call Andrew's little brother. He's been called that since the very beginning when we saw his very active arms and legs during ultrasounds. He and Andrew both seemed to love their hands near their faces during ultrasounds.

Since I'm not quite ready to reveal the name just yet (TBA January 2012), I'll keep with calling him what we've called him since the beginning. Since he's set to make his appearance in about 10 weeks, we're attempting to get used to the idea. I said attempting. Because what we're feeling is completely foreign and unnatural. With Andrew, we were free as birds. The excitement was easy and the prepwork was a breeze. Now, every purchase or process is considered and researched and re-researched and made with great hesitance.

I spoke about our decision to choose cord blood banking for Flip. We pulled the trigger on that one just about a week ago. Also, I wanted to thank all of you for adding your experiences or explaining the choices you made in choosing whether to (or not) bank the blood. After our purchase, we received a package in the mail.

That was definitely something surprising. I guess that although we cashed out a bunch of money to a cord-banking company, I didn't expect to receive the medical package (for the blood) in the mail via FedEx. It made things feel very real. I'm really going to deliver this baby. He really does exist and he really will be coming out of my body at some point. I'm still struggling with the idea that he'll actually leave the hospital with us alive, but at least I'm to the point where I know he'll be here in a matter of 10ish weeks. We selected the cord blood company we did for a variety of reasons:

Chicago-based banking facility - while not necessary, it was nice knowing they were super local. They also have banks in NY, CO, UT, IN, FL, MA, NJ but can store for any state.
Same accreditation as Cbr, the highly advertised company I mentioned before
Backup generators
Done more successful transfers than most cord-blood companies
Reasonably priced

We also have purchased things here and there that we changed our minds about from Andrew's pregnancy to now. For example, we originally had a very basic baby monitor. Who needs a baby monitor? Women have been birthing children for thousands of years and without technology! Riiiiight. Scratch that mentality. We needed something more suitable for our needs ~~as over-paranoid parents~~ and chose the AngelCare AC401 Deluxe Sound Monitor. It tracks movement and sound.

We also don't intend on letting this child out of our sight and therefore decided a co-sleeper was the solution. We bought an Arm's Reach Mini Convertible Co-Sleeper, along with some sheets.

We already have a Baby Bjorn Active with the winter cover, but we also now have the Ergo baby carrier with infant insert like this one. The jury is still out about the stars... but I think they're cute. Not sure if Ray would ever want to wear the thing, but I'm pretty sure he'll wear anything once Flip arrives healthy and safe. We're both pretty crazy about the idea of babywearing. I even bought the Ergo teething pads for the handles.

We had a pretty hard time finding a thermometer we liked that didn't get terribly conflicting reviews and decided on this one after all. Again, we were so naive before in thinking that regular thermometers would be suitable for a newborn. No longer will we think that for something as simple as a $35 purchase.

In dreaming again, I've always secretly wanted two items that we didn't buy for Andrew because I didn't think we needed them (again with the minimalist mentality) and I didn't want to spend the cash. One of those items was a high chair. We have a booster seat that I figured would be suitable since we also own the Bumbo.

However, I've always secretly wanted a Stokke Tripp Trapp highchair. Problem is, they go for about $300 with all the bells and whistles. But, the Wilsons are all about a great deal! We happened our way into a local high-end consignment store and found one for... wait for it... $35! It is the walnut color and in nearly perfect condition. It came with the older model insert (which can be replaced), but it's very functional and purchased at such a bargain. I'm convinced the store had no idea they were practically giving the thing away. Even looking on Craigslist, they don't go for anything under $100 used and most are vibrant colors. I've also secretly hated highchairs because they are bulky and full of fabrics and cheap plastics that would just create more for us to clean and make our house look overtaken by bulky kid furniture. This will definitely be a piece we'll keep in the family for a long time and it even came with the manual! And even better, it's been made the same way for about 40 years! It's a classic and very European-- as it is a Norwegian brand, after all. Yes, $35. I know. And of course we took every single piece apart and washed/sterilized it. All set to go for when we have a 6-month old. I. cannot. wait.

There's one last piece that I think I'll be holding out for a long time. Our stroller is nothing fancy. I was very specific about the carseat we chose, but I didn't care for the stroller. I was also overwhelmed by the prices and options that accompany such a purchase. I was more concerned with painting walls and getting that nursery in shape. Well, it's in shape and ready and been vacant for 21 months of waiting for baby at this point. But dreams are out there for one of these Bumbleride Indie strollers. Except, I already have two strollers and a snap-n-go that are plenty. I've told myself that instead of buying a single, I should just wait until baby #3 rolls around (2013 anyone?) and buy the double in this lovely number. I know, let's just get at least one live baby here before I purchase another stroller. Hah.

Who knows. I'll probably have a new love interest by then. That's a long time and quite a bit of gestating away... and that's only if our luck stops sucking as bad as it has. : /

We're just about out of things to buy for Flip that we feel are necessary. In the beginning I couldn't see us buying anything until I was literally in the delivery room-- but then I realized I needed something to distract me and what better to distract me then researching random items that will sit in a room and wait! Hah. It's only a little pathetic, I hope. There's always clothes to buy... but he has quite a bit, as is! We've purchased things randomly from BabyGap and Carter's, but only if there was a crazy sale or I had some awesome coupon (like today for example when I purchased two pair of socks, a onesie, and a bib for $2.34 from BabyGap). There's also this sweatshirt we needed to have so Flip can take after his Dad and play lacrosse.

Time is c-r-a-w-l-i-n-g and we're getting impatient. The nursery still looks like a tornado took a bunch of unused baby products and threw them all around, but we aren't at the place where we're ready to sift through and organize just yet. We'll see when I'm ready for that-- probably not until I have a clear induction date to set my sights on. We need more distractions and for these weeks to speed by like a bullet. This is definitely the hardest time since the initial weeks-- and even then I was in such denial (without the kicks) that it was easier to let go. I've never been more anxious in my life knowing he's viable, over 2 pounds (!) and likely able to sustain life outside of the womb. Of course he belongs inside the womb for longer, but I'd like to be put into a bubble until then. How did you other women (BLMs) do it? Because, wow.

Birthday Raclette Dinner

2011-12-16T21:06:00.002-06:00

For Ray's 30th, I bought him a present. It's kind of wild for me because we rarely buy gifts for one another. Well, he buys more gifts for me (jewelry, etc.), but buying for men is just plain hard. And, I'd prefer we just purchase the items he wants in real time rather than waiting all the way until December to receive something he wants. He works hard and therefore deserves to reap the benefits all year around in my opinion.

All those excuses to say that I can never think of something he'll love and make sure I know the exact item to buy at the exact time birthdays or holidays roll around. That, and gift-giving is not really my love language. That's not helpful when I have an entire family full of them, including my husband! Anyway, I thought I hit this one out of the park. When we visited Switzerland, we were able to have an authentic dinner with some local Swiss called Raclette. Ever since that evening, we talked about buying one of those grills. Except, we rarely just spend $140 on something just because... and this is one of those just because kind of things. This was our occasion and quite a fantastic one, I might add. He was genuinely surprised up until the day before Andrew's birthday when I allowed him to open the gift. We figured that since his birthday is a week after Andrew's, we'd soften the blow a very, teeny tiny bit by having this be something we looked forward to on that day. I intended for him to help me shop and prepare for the dinner party we were throwing, so at some point, he figured it out. Regardless, I purchased this lovely number for ~~him~~ us:

To explain, the raclette grill offers some features: grill meats, seafood and veggies on the top while you place a semi-soft/hard cheese in the bottom trays to melt. Marry the meats, veggies, potatoes (cooked on the side) on a plate and pour the melted cheese on top. There is traditional raclette cheese that can be purchased, but most is very expensive or unpasteurized. This pregnant lady refuses to throw a dinner party for a bunch of people with raw milk cheeses. That, and I hate buying things I normally can and will eat at a premium but won't eat for something as silly as it being unpasteurized. Emmantaler, Edam, and raclette cheese are standard. I purchased some brie (though a traditional soft cheese, but familiar to most people), Jarlsberg, and raclette cheese from Trader Joes. We actually found raclette-labeled cheese at Trader Joe's! Already sliced! It tasted quite authentic to boot! That just means they'll stop selling it soon because it's something we like. Trader Joe's is good at that sort of thing.

I roasted veggies in the oven so there would be more grill space for meats and shrimp. Our intention was to create a formal party with touches of informal thrown there. Raclette grills are designed for no more than 8 people and we were inviting 18. Considering this, we had the grill on all night and various appetizers and items to graze on throughout the night. Sitting was optional and it was more like a cocktail party with lots of food. All were required to drink from wine glasses. Thank goodness we have 18! We had various bottles of wine, bottled water, and lots of sparkling drinks (grape/apple). We even had wine charms! We're not the wine charm type, but we realized hours before the party that people wouldn't be able to tell their drinks apart and it would be a fiasco with 18ish people in the house. Wine would go wasted and new glasses would be assumed, despite having only 18 to fulfill the 18 people who RSVP'ed. Off to Michael's we went! We purchased some round, silver earring hooks and were planning to purchase some beads. However, the husband decided the wine charms needed to be "manly" and deemed it necessary to purchase more manly charms for the glasses. We settled on decorative buttons with animals and monsters. And don't think we didn't use a 40% off coupon for each of our transactions! :)

My pictures are blurry and just plain suck, but hopefully you get the idea. The four charms in view are two monsters, a donkey, and panda. I do believe the pig was last to be chosen. Wonder why? ;)

I'd love to say I can offer up tons of photos... but as usual, I forgot to take them. The ones I do have completely suck because I'm so stubborn and just won't learn how to use our fancy camera. I put that on the list for a baby distraction project in January. Learn a new trick a week on the camera and give myself a homework assignment. I. need. to. learn. this. Argh.

Our total menu was as follows:
Sliced beef marinated (1: olive oil, garlic, cracked pepper), (2: spiced beef marinade from a bottle. Don't judge).
Prawns
Polish Sausage
Sliced cheeses (Brie, Jarlsberg, Raclette)
Boiled Saltzkartoffel, stored in crock pot after (salted, German potatoes: Peel and boil in cold water until soft, but firm)
Roasted veggies in lemon olive-oil (carrots, green beans, bell pepper, onion, zucchini)
Cheese fondue (one 12oz beer & tbsp Dijon mustard, 16 oz. shredded cheese tossed in a little cornstarch. Add cheese slowly after boiling beer/mustard on stove) Served with grapes, apples, and cubed sweet bread, crackers, broccoli cutlets
Caesar salad with Trader Joe's dressing-- my fave! Mix of field greens and romaine
Antipasti tray (breadsticks, salami, cornichons, stuffed olives, mixed olives, pepperoncinis)
Tortellini/cucumber/cherry tomatoes on toothpicks & marinated in Italian dressing
Mini sausages in teriyaki sauce (used mini crock pot)
Sauces: sweet onion (bottled), Sriracha, and a homemade (omg. so amazing) chimichurri sauce

A friend from work who honestly directs us to the very best restaurants in town every time gave me this recipe. I was certain to try it and I'm so glad I did. It's incredible. If you like the following ingredients, I highly recommend you make this. I used red wine vinegar and I just about want to put this stuff on my pancakes in the morning. It's that good.

Our friend Alli is pretty crafty and is always pinning a bunch of fun crafty ideas that I could never even consider. I belong in the kitchen... not in front of glue guns and sewing machines. She decided to use the party as a good chance to try out her birthday banner. It was great until it fell down at some point. Again, the flash totally ruins this photo. The goat photo is also courtesy of Mrs. Ferguson. We have a very, very large framed goat in our foyer as I've mentioned before. It's now been set that we'd collect such photographs in frames.

We added Alli's table to our informal living room and she brought in some table accents and balloons as well. This was for the runoff (since we have a 10-seater table and a 4-seater = 14. We had 18 guests and lots of desserts that needed a place to go!).

Crappy photo # infinity. Our 4-seater cheapie Ikea table, balloons, and snow-covered deck.

One of the only photos we have of the food setup. Raclette grill is on the far end... but totally hard to see.

A few photos of friends... no idea who took these photos but I'm happy they did!

Happy husband and friends.

Oh, Tommy. Let's just say we had a few conversations about being aware that if he spilled red wine on my new boots, we'd have serious words. That, and I may have been afraid of him shattering a wine glass I'd have to clean up. Luckily, he has a very awesome wife who handled the sitch. We love Tommy. He's a wild one.

As the only requirement, I asked that all guests bring a plate of homemade brownies. This was the surprise that I managed to keep until everyone arrived with their brownies! There was an incident where some friends dropped them off the night before very stealthily and another knocked on the back door to hand over theirs, but the secret was kept. I took equally crappy quality photos of all the brownies... hooray! It was truly awesome, though. People were pumped and of course Ray was super excited as brownies are his absolute favorite dessert.

Hi! I'm thirty! I love brownies! :)

Totally crap quality, but here's the table of almost all the brownies.

Again, my friend Alli came to the rescue and found a way to score (through a friend) completely free to-go boxes for the brownies! There was no way we'd be able to keep them all in our house! Then our friend Liz was clever (as usual) and thought of a fun little catch-phrase for the box labels. :)

"E" would be Elliot. That's Ray's first name. Ray is his middle name... been calling him Ray on the blog since the beginning since family was the first to read (and the only to read for a long time)... and Ray is what he's known as to family. Just in case that was utterly confusing for all of you, consider me! I switch between family and friends on a regular basis. Elliot? Ray? Back and forth. To me, he's often just "husband". Hah.

Here are some brownie photos...

I can't go into detail about all of the brownies, but there were caramel brownies, walnut brownies, peanut butter brownies, regular brownies, brownies made with zucchini and carrots, peppermint brownies, brownies stuffed with Hershey's Hugs, Oreo and peanut butter stuffed cupcake/brownies, and a chocolate truffle cake.

...and then there's the guy who didn't follow directions:

That would be a Starbucks box. Not homemade by any means. And yes, I did eat all 3 of those brownies even though they were probably intended for the husband. ;) He was super hilarious and commented about how he RSVP'ed and not his wife and therefore felt responsible for the brownies... but that he has no culinary abilities. Totally funny. He definitely gets credit.

At some point in the night, there was also a toast and birthday song while toasting Bailey's Irish Creme & Godiva White Chocolate Liquors out of chocolate dessert cordial cups. Like these:

All in all, it was a very nice night of grazing, wine drinking, laughing, and socializing while celebrating my favorite person. Happy birthday, my love.

Inhabiting the Planet for 10,957 days!

2011-12-13T15:31:00.002-06:00

To the most loving and wonderful husband... we've been to the top of the United States together and back down. We've crossed enormous valleys in life, both amazing and heartbreaking. There isn't a soul I'd rather spend every day of my life with no matter how tough the going gets. It's an honor to celebrate thirty with you!

... and because I'm allowed to be a little inappropriate...

Why is it always birds with me?

I'll be updating soon with photos (though not many) from his 30th birthday bash!

Andrew = Love

2011-12-09T16:18:00.003-06:00

His day has come and gone. In many ways, I'm relieved. I think that most loss mothers can agree with how the anticipation of that one year date can really hang over our heads. It's just a day-- but with such incredible significance. That very day a year (or two, or three, or...) prior changed who we are today. Some good, some bad ways.

This post is meant to be about happiness that has been spread as a result of Andrew's birth. He may no longer be alive, but man is he loved and remembered by so many. People have sacrificed a lot for a child that wasn't even theirs. A child they never had a chance to lay eyes on. For all the love, respect, donations, gifts, cards, emails, heartfelt sentiments, volunteer hours and beyond, the Wilson family is so completely thankful. We'll never be fully whole without our son, but we do have these memories of love to carry us as we continue living and hopefully raising more Wilson babies.

I fear that I might forget someone who did something lovely that I wanted to share... because all the lovely gestures were overwhelming (in a great way). I apologize if I have forgotten you as this isn't something most people even have to write about! I don't feel under pressure to write about these things either, but want desperately for this blog to be my reference to all things Andrew and his memory. I want to be able to read back on every anniversary of his birth and see all the goodness and love that people have shown in his honor. So again, I'm sorry if something you did was left off the list, as it was unintentional. Feel free to remind me of this and I'd be glad to add. I also hope that I am not embarrassing anyone by listing beautiful things they've done or said/written in Andrew's honor. So to credit them, I will only supply first names and not links to their blogs (if they exist). Thank you again. In no particular order...

Jenny & Nick: Planting bulbs in honor of Andrew and anticipation of our coming child.
"I'm deeply a nature/gardening person and something on my mind since last March's first thaw are Snow drops and Glory-of-the-snow. These are bulbs that are planted in late November/early December and which flower first in spring, before we can really believe that the snow will be gone. The blooms will appear before trees leaf out, and the leaves will likely be finished storing food for next year by the time you first mow so they could be naturalized in your lawn or planted in beds. These bulbs are 'ephemeral,' meaning that they are dormant most of the year and then have a glorious display of flowers for a short time. My thought was simply that we'd celebrate Andrew and anticipate your next child with hope." Also, Jenny and Nick volunteered for "Friends in Need" with Derrick & Liz by buying and wrapping toys for children in need this Christmas.

Jenny came to plant bulbs around the small tree in our front yard this weekend on 12/11. Such a wonderful tribute and symbol of love and life. Three types of bulbs were planted: Galanthus nivalis (common snowdrop-white), Galanthus flore pleno (double snowdrop-double white), Crocus "remembrance" (giant crocus-blue/purple). Some may bloom in February or March of 2012-- just in time for the birth of Andrew's brother. Hoping that some do bloom during the springtime with the beautiful pink flowers that already bloom on that tree.

We had our first snowfall and coldest day of the season thus far (yesterday on 12/10) and we had to break up the frozen soil before planting.

Jenny & Ray planting bulbs.

Bulbs placed for planting. The Crocus remembrance bulbs were placed on the interior and the snowdrops on the outside of the tree.

Finished!

Derrick & Liz: Feed My Starving Children volunteering & Family in Need Giving
"Today felt like a dent in honor of A-dub. Shift #2 161 volunteers, 186 boxes packed, 40,176 meals...cost efficient at 24 cents a meal - and my favorite: enough to feed 110 children for an entire year. That always staggers me considering how much we our country spends on meals. Wow. Truly an awesome, awesome way to remember Andrew & touch many, many lives. Can't wait to hear final total - it was over 80,000 at the end of our shift - with a goal I think of over 100,000 meals. Ahh - I cried and we danced to the music playing. Then we prayed. I miss him - & I miss seeing his cute hand and feet push through your sweater at Thanksgiving last year. I love that we got to know early, and know him by name feeling him as family from near the beginning. A gorgeous boy of yours." and the Family in Need Giving event: "A family in need will be selected and we will do a deal-focused shopping blitz. We picked 2 families in need of basics. First fam with 3 kids - thinking of you guys and 3 pregnancies, with one boy same age as A-dub. Second fam has special needs (found via "Little Friends") reminded us of your passion for serving kids of all abilities in your career."

Also, they dropped off a package in our flowerpot with a text message: "Want to respect your time, but still a sucker for ding-dong ditch (we have a history of this with them) - so check your flower pot outside garage - shiny wrap may attract raccoons or ppl like me." Package contained a beautiful note with a lovely quote I used on the blog to Andrew one day...

The card read... "I heard you say (or write), "I love you to the moon and back" when expressing your love for A-dub. We saw this in the store the other day when we were out. I know the price was more than you would have paid (being a value shopper that I am...) so I told them they need to give me 40% off. He conceded after I agreed to do a Yelp review. I may not be Elite status, but I thought you'd be proud. We love you guys for always as a family. Andrew will always be in our hearts."

This will most certainly be going in Andrew (and siblings') nursery. We love the tribute and are so grateful for such a beautiful piece to share with Andrew in our hearts and hopefully future children in our arms.

Rob, Jonathan, Kim, Kristi, Liz, Alli, Luke: Volunteering time at Feed My Starving Children.

Jim & Kristi, Joel & Kirsten: Opened up their home for homemade cake on Andrew's birthday from 6:30-9:00 for all local friends to come celebrate. Also, they offered a donation to NILMDTS or Faces of Loss. "Here is a picture of the cake we made for Andrew. I had a Tweety Bird cake mold that I'd never used before so that's what we used. Joel did add a bulldozer candle after I took the picture. We sang "Happy Birthday" and then prayed for your family. Also, some people from your small group are coming to our house tonight as they want to eat some of Andrew's cake. We love you all!! Also, this is for Andrew...

Hey little buddy,

I want you to know that we are tearfully celebrating your first earthly and heavenly birthday today. Your friend, Joel, made you a cake with sprinkles in it this morning. He believes that you will be eating cake in heaven, so he wanted to share it with you. We love you and miss you. There are so many things that we'd love to say to you and adventures we'd like to go on with you, but instead we just cry and pray for your family. We pray specifically for your mom and dad, they miss you more than we can imagine. You have amazing parents, but you know that!"

Tim, Danielle, & Kathy: All enjoyed the delicious cake above with Jim, Kristi, Joel, and Kirsten. :)

Andrew's Grandparents (Foster): "We provided Thanksgiving meals to 4 families that would have gone without otherwise... done in honor of our Grandson's birthday. We will also be going out to dinner on Andrew's birthday (this year and every one after this to celebrate Him) and having dessert (I believe that CHOCOLATE is in his DNA having you and Ray as his parents) and so something Chocolate is in order!"

Celebrated with a chocolate & strawberry crepe

... and had these ordered from a local Chicagoland bakery for us to celebrate!

...and yes, the Wilson babies (including Andrew) are/will all be that white-skinned. Haha.

Andrew's Grandparents (Wilson): Cards, emails, and love. "Today we will celebrate Andrew... and his wonderful parents. He will continue to be loved by each of us and remembered always."

...and celebrated with chocolate-chocolate cake!

Gramie & Papa (Andrew's great-grandparents): Beautiful plate made to remember Andrew. Made by the same artist who created our wedding plate.

...and celebrated with Reese's cup pie!

Heather: "I'm thinking of you both and Andrew today. I had some ice cream to celebrate his first birthday."

Tiffany: Sweet email from fellow baby loss mom to Ellie at Ellie's Light. "I’ve been thinking about you guys and hope that you are surviving- it isn’t easy- that’s for sure… I was doing play doh with my nephew last week and we made this Andrew’s Bday… just wanted to send it to you!"

Brooke & David: Card and Donation in Andrew's honor to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. "Perhaps they are not stars but openings in the heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy. Remembering Andrew on December 5th and always." Attending a candelight vigil for their daughter on her birthday (12/6) and leaving a white flower for Andrew.

Caroline & Miles: Donation in Andrew's honor to NILMDTS. "I will cherish them always (pictures of her son), I wish so desperately that I had more - that I took more and that I knew of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. But I am so, SO grateful that so many people in our horrible situations did know about that organization. I'm so grateful that they took beautiful pictures of your beautiful son. So today, for Andrew, I'm making a small donation to NILMDTS. Thankful for the service they provided you and thankful for all the other broken hearts they comfort. Thinking of you and your son today and always."

And a candlelighting:

"I have one lit for Addison and one for your little Andrew. Tomorrow we will light one for Eliza. Please know he's not forgotten. You honor his memory every day and bring him to life in the process. Thank you for sharing him."

Tiffany: "I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of your little boy today and always. My candle is lit next to my little man for him."

Cole & Michelle: "Thinking of you guys today." Celebrating with ice cream sandwiches!

Heidi & William: "Ray & Brandy. Thank you for including us in celebrating Andrew's life. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Cupcakes for Andrew...

Box reads: "Love you guys. Thinking of you today. :) Celebrating Andrew."

Molly: Candle lit in honor of Andrew and Addison-- both birthed on the same day. "These candles on Hayes' table will be lit in remembrance of you babies today!" Plus, a cupcake. :)

Helen & Ceil: A beautiful bracelet with Andrew's name, made by a local artist in their area. Also, remembering Andrew with co-workers (from Helen) the morning of 12/5... "I know as you face this day know that you are surrounded by love and though Andrew is not with us; he is also surrounded by God and his angels love, too. Since mornings are my most favorite time of the day; I wanted to share that with my co-workers."

Ceil, Alan & Helena: "We are thinking of you guys - Alan, Helena and I said a prayer for Andrew in church this Sunday during the "Sharing of Joys And Sorrows". Today - I completed a kiln load of tiles after school for my seniors who are in the middle of exams....We sell tiles and coffee which help El Porvenir Farmers..... My act of kindness was to my seniors. Helena also thinks of you every lunchtime (Brandy & Helena photo in her lunch box ;-)) I am sure she thought of Andrew's birthday today ......

Ben & Katie: Countless cards, emails, and letters of encouragement leading up to and on Andrew's birthday. "My heart and prayers are with you and Elliot! I had a root beer float for lil Andrew tonight (12/4, her birthday) and for sure will be having more dessert tomorrow!" They also sent over a beautiful bouquet of roses and card. Friends through the blogging world that continue to amaze me with generosity and an outpouring of love and support.

Alli & Tommy: Volunteering with local friends for Feed My Starving Children, my favorite "Andrew" scented and lots of encouragement. {This scent was given to me by family for my birthday in October 2010. I immediately thought it smelled like "baby" and put it in Andrew's nursery. Each time I went in, I smelled this. Now I love the scent as it has so much meaning.}

Jessica: Candle lighting in honor of her sons William & Ethan, Andrew, Addison, Eliza, and Greyson-- all babies who were gone all in the same weekend and all so desperately loved.

Aunt Samantha: Constant love, support, phonecalls, and cards. And of course celebrating with dessert!

Kelly, Jim, Natalie and Adam: A sweet card of heartfelt words... from one baby loss family to another.

Laura Jane: Being the best dang BLM friend on the planet! Also, a beautiful bouquet of flowers for Andrew's birthday.

Lauren & Keith: Love, support and cookies!

Jan: Beautiful card of remembrance & support

Keleen: Addison and Andrew were born on the same day. While celebrating her daughter's one-year anniversary/birthday, they also celebrated Andrew.

Ronnie & Dutch: "Uncle Dutch and I just spoke to Andrew and told him how we wish we could have gotten to know him. We also wished him a happy first birthday and blew out the candle on his cupcake we decorated just for him. We love you both and wish so much you find peace and understanding, especially with the birth of his little brother."

Krista & David Hart: Sweet words via email + celebrated with brownies: "We've been praying for you and thinking about you throughout the day today as you celebrate Andrew's birthday. We enjoyed some yummy brownies in his honor tonight and pray that the Lord will uphold you and comfort you as you miss your son. We miss you and want you to know that we think about you and pray for you often. I know it must be very painful to think of us because our children were supposed to be friends, only a few days apart. You have been an amazing mom to him this year and I know you will be a fantastic mother to this new little one on his way... please know that you are constantly in our hearts and in our prayers."

Solange, Nik & Caity: Celebrated with a cupcake and happy birthday song!

They also took video of their daughter (and Solange) singing Happy Birthday to Andrew. It was totally sweet but I don't want to embarrass them. That, and I have no idea how I'd be able to put that on the blog. Thank you so much, you guys. We love and miss you, too.

Melissa & Madison: Blogging about our precious boy and baking a cake in his honor. "This morning I baked up a batch a chocolate fudge chip bundt cake in honor of Andrew. I frosted half in peanut butter chocolate frosting and the other half in a vanilla butter cream with sprinkles. His mom and dad love dessert and they felt like a great way to honor their son on his birthday would be to enjoy desserts. I "met" Andrew's mom through blogging. I have never spoken to her other than commenting on each other's blogs and emailing one other about lots of things... but I've still mourned her losses and celebrated her joys with her. I think about her often... and especially today she is in my thoughts. I am wishing much happiness in the upcoming months for her. {The star on the sign Madison made comes from the potato print art we did this past weekend}"

Katie & Jeremy: "Just wanted to let you know we were thinking of you guys and Andrew yesterday. We had some yummy caramel brownies in honor of Andrew. :) "

Alison, Nic, Gabrielle, Scotty: "We all picked out whatever ice cream we wanted tonight! Took a little explaining for Gabby to understand what we were "celebrating" but she gets it now. Love you guys!"

Amanda & Brandon: "Just wanted to say I was thinking and praying for you both and your precious Andrew today. My students even said a little prayer to grant you peace and wished him a wonderful earthly and heavenly first birthday. We do the same. Brandon and I love you guys and support you."

To the countless people who offered to celebrate or show support with love and encouraging words (and let me know) via blog comments or emails that I haven't already mentioned, thank you. So many of you have encouraged and loved us through your words, donations, and support over the past year and we are ever-so-grateful: Amy, Jessica & Jason, Dana, Julie, SG, Lissasue, Rachel, Chrissy, Amelia, Sally, Josh, Alissa, Renel, Natasha, Danielle, Erin, Brian, ASP, Katie, Zooblflt, Uncle Tim, Samiya, Marianne, Becky, Susan, Brianna, Sherri

Wilson candle lighting for Andrew, Addison (12/5), William & Ethan (12/4), and Eliza (12/6).

Cupcakes for Andrew from the bakery.

We look like hell since dessert was definitely the hardest part because it's supposed to be the best part of any birthday and we were missing the celebratory guest of honor, but must document the Andrew love.

We love you, son.

Not totally related to his birthday, but recently we bought these ornaments from an Etsy artist. If you'd like to order from her, you can get 30% off by using this link. She did a wonderful job and was so wonderful in my accommodations to honor our son.

I also bought this necklace from Etsy. I plan to purchase another with Andrew and his new brother's name on it... once I get my act together and reveal the name we've chosen.

Also, we attended our first SHARE remembrance service on December 6, 2010 in honor of all babies gone too soon through pregnancy loss, miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. Since we attended on our friend Brooke & David's anniversary of their sweet daughter Eliza's birth, we hung an ornament in their honor as well. Ornaments from this Etsy artist.

It was an honor to be read as parents to Andrew and to light a candle in his honor and hang ornaments in honor of he and Eliza. We loved hearing Andrew's name spoken in front of a room full of people who understand. It was a bit baby-filled and kid-filled, the service. There were a good 200 people in attendance as I estimate and we talked about how normally the babies would've bothered us, but in this case, we were thankful to see families of {even loud} children because it showed they were able to pick themselves back up and find hope again. Also, they were acknowledging their babies with their live children present and I thought it was a nice tradition and very sweet.Who knows. This might be an annual tradition for us as well. I love the idea of buying a handcrafted ornament for Andrew every year to be hung at the ceremony.

Again, thank you. Quite the post. We're just so thankful for such love. Our little boy continues to shine.

Letters to Andrew {4}

2011-12-05T09:44:00.000-06:00

Baby Boy,

We've come full circle now. It's officially been marked 1 year since we held your precious body and admired your perfect face. There is so much pressure that leads up to the 1 year mark of missing your child. And to make it all the more solemn, it happens every year around the holidays when it seems everyone else in the world is carrying on peacefully and joyously.

We're definitely not feeling the spirit this year. Last year was shock and numbness, and this year is outright denial and boycotting. Not a single decoration is up in our home. We try not to allow the what ifs to creep in, but man is that hard to avoid this time of year-- especially as we know quite a few other babies born around the time of your birth that are now celebrating their first year of life with cake, chubby cheeks, and first steps. A reminder of all we've missed. We had all those same hopes, dreams, and wishes for you as well. You were going to make us the luckiest people in the world and we were so honored to be your parents. While still your parents, we're still in shambles over how to handle grieving the life of a child, you, we so desperately wanted and loved from conception. It's just not natural to say goodbye to a child and it still doesn't feel fair.

I'll never get over losing you, sweet boy. In honor of you today, so many wonderful people have done so many wonderful things. I'm overwhelmed by their love and support for you. I am in tears everytime someone shares a way your life has impacted the lives of others.

You truly are our love child. You were created and formed entirely out of love and we are so grateful to call you our son. We will miss you forever. There's just no question about it. As beautiful as can be and now only a memory. What makes this all even harder is knowing everyday is that much further away from feeling your sweet kicks and seeing your incredibly beautiful face.

Loving you and missing you beyond what our words can ever express.
xoxo
Mom & Dad

Soundoff: Cord Blood Debate

2011-11-28T19:29:00.001-06:00

I spent my morning at the OB's office for gestational diabetes screening and the hemoglobin check. Passed with flying colors and only gained 1 pound in the last month. I don't suppose that makes up for the 20 I gained in the first 20 weeks, right? We talked about my crazy-lady tendencies and how we ended up at the L&D ward yesterday. And then she left us with something to think about: cord blood. My OB highly encouraged banking our cord blood for this baby. She went on to talk about the technology and stem cell research and cerebral palsy and how amazing things are being done to save lives and improve the quality of life with this stuff.

And of course she's probably getting a kickback from CBR, as it's the only company I had memorized myself from the mass amounts of marketing they do. If you've been pregnant in the U.S., chances are you've held their pamphlet in your hand at least once. Or a bag they print to hold your pregnancy magazines and swag from your OB's office. You know the little girl staring down at her belly button on the white and purple brochure. I am not endorsing them. As a matter of fact, we almost certainly will not use them ever because there are other, cheaper companies that are also accredited and reputable. Just mentioning them because they attack you with their brochures.

Now, I know that other than the possible kickback my OB might get from endorsing them, she also is looking out for our well-being and the well-being of this new baby. She is endorsing anything under the sun that might give us a fighting chance if we do end up a very small statistic again. But also, she likely feels an obligation to endorse something that could mean we don't lose another baby. She feels as though her success as an OB with our case of loss and hopefully life again is contingent on her giving us all the options and encouraging we do everything in our willpower (and pocketbook) to see that things pan out differently. She also wants the success of a healthy baby and wants to ensure that happens because she is a good person.

While pregnant with Andrew, we were bombarded by the blood banking companies and their mass amounts of paraphernalia. It turns out that no matter what, banking cord blood was out of the question-- obviously. But if we had a normal birth with a live baby as the outcome? We would've probably declined the opportunity. Why? Because it's so stinking rare to be in that tiny, itty-bitty percent of people who actually need the cord blood ever. This technology is relatively new anyway and as I've written before, we ~~are~~ were the minimalists. Who needs a video baby monitor, let alone to bank cord blood for something so statistically rare anyway?

Yeah, well now we're the statistic. We weren't convinced in all our research that cord blood was the way to go anyway-- as you can read all over the web and in print that cord blood may not even help your child even if they were in need of it. That certain races don't benefit as frequently as others in the use of their cord blood. That it will likely be a huge waste of money.

And here we are now. We have lost our firstborn and his entire life. While it had nothing to do with our decision against cord blood before (like I said, didn't matter anyway), it sure did place us in a minority. A tiny statistic that doesn't happen to over 99% of people. But it happened to us. So this whole cord blood talk has found new meaning to us. I'll tell you now that we are almost certain to go for it this go-around. We wouldn't want that (still) slim chance of cord blood being helpful to inhibit this child from having a full life that continues on way past we are in our graves. We don't want the prospect of $3,000 (give or take) to be the reason our child cannot have critical stem cell research if needed. I guess that opens up our political views on that subject a bit. Try convincing a couple who lost a child not to believe in stem cell research. I scoff.

I've been reading a blog over the years of a woman whose son has cerebral palsy. He had a stroke at birth-- but his family saved the cord blood. They're thankful they did, because stem cell research may be the key that helps their child speak more clearly and live a more "normal" life.

Advantages that I can see:

- potential life-saving possibilities

- potential sibling support

- stem cell research leading to better quality of life and/or saving life

Disadvantage:

- cost (upfront and annual)

When you've lost it all, you hardly want to let something so trivial as a few thousand dollars prevent you from having the best care and chance to survive for future babies. I'm not sure we'd be able to forgive ourselves if this baby was born and needed the blood at some point and we didn't based on cost. Plus, who needs new furniture anyway? Someday we're all going to die and leave it all behind. Perhaps though... it could mean our children will live a little longer or enjoy life more fully.

So here's where I open this to you... if you're not comfortable sounding off by name, please do so anonymously. We'd love to hear your opinion on the matter. Did you bank cord blood? This question is open to all and not just baby loss parents. Would you bank it again? Any stories to tell or companies you've researched or recommend? Do you still disagree completely with the process and want to sound off on that? This might also help fellow pregnant mothers/fathers who are interested or considering the same thing.

And We Were Doing SO Well...

2011-11-27T15:15:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning and no more than 1.5 hours later, I was in a triage room on the Labor & Delivery floor of the same hospital we delivered Andrew. We'll be delivering this baby there as well, but I do not want to be anywhere near that terrible room for as long as I live.

I usually feel this little guy so frequently and with such tenacity. But this morning, he just wasn't budging. I tried it all and after the laying in multiple positions, waffles, and orange juice, we made the call. I was able to pick up the heartbeat on the doppler, but in case the baby was in distress due to slowed movement, we weren't taking any chances. The on-call OB told us to head down to L&D. We made that same drive on a similar Sunday morning as we did almost exactly one year ago. Luckily, we left just hours later with assurance that he was still alive and growing. Emotionally taxed to the max, but with our child still living.

Ray dropped me off at the door. Same thing happened last year. I sat in front of the elevators (this time not in labor) and was just paralyzed. I felt a few nudges, but nothing significant or as strong as they normally are. Ray came in and we sat there for a few minutes contemplating our decision. Do we head into L&D where they're expecting us and get hooked up to monitoring for peace of mind... but risk the flood of emotions and possibility that all is fine anyway and we were just overreacting? Do we wait awhile and just hope that he starts moving a ton and walk out without having to deal with the floor?

We mustered up the courage to enter the elevator. As soon as we were checked in, they ushered us into the triage room where they told us Andrew had passed away. Where we physically saw his heart completely lifeless almost exactly one year ago. As soon as we walked in and the nurse started talking about the gown and bag for my belongings, I lost it. I couldn't be in there. The walls were closing in on me and I knew triage room 101 so vividly. I saw the clock on the wall that I stared at as they were trying to find Andrew's heartbeat when I just knew we wouldn't ever be taking our firstborn home with us. Ray immediately saw my distress and asked that we be relocated to a different room. I really feel like my file should have bold letters across the top that state which rooms on that floor I should never have to be subjected to again.

New triage room and a much more calm Brandy. She hooked me up and in the process, the baby was kicking like a madman. I was more at ease, but since I was already there, we were required to go through all the motions. The hookup, the talk of stillbirth and miscarriage and last menstrual cycles and EDD. I was in tears, but they were confused. I was thankful to hear and feel some very bold kicks, but uncomfortable that I just walked into the room that started all these fears in the first place. Not more than 20 minutes later, we were wheeled down to have an ultrasound that was apparently ordered the moment I made the phonecall from my sofa. A full ultrasound was done and all was well. Baby is breech, but that's not a concern at this stage in the game. As far as I'm concerned, it will never be an issue. I just want this baby out safely no matter how it happens. The placenta, cord insertion, and all the baby's organs look great. He was moving nonstop and it was quite difficult to get all his measurements. He was measuring in at 1lb 12 oz. at this stage in the game. We're still in the second trimester but past viability. I think that's what makes us so on-edge. We have the potential to call some serious shots. If the baby were in distress but still alive (as we figured worst-case from the kicks we felt at the elevator), we could've saved him since the chances of his survival at this point in the game (albeit not the best chance) is possible and likely.

I was just beginning to think of how proud we were that we hadn't cried wolf or ran into the OB or Perinatologist's office yet. Hah. So much for being calm. Let's just hope I can keep it together for the next few months. Pregnancy after loss is so hard. He moved hardly at all this morning, and then in about 2 hours, he moved about 150 times. No joke. Made us feel like complete freaks for making the L&D visit, but when you've been to the depths of despair for the very same issue, there's no way we'd be too sure all was well.

As we stood in the elevator to head back home, I couldn't help but feel this huge urgency and sadness that we weren't back "making things right" just yet. We weren't delivering a baby that we could take home just yet. We still aren't guaranteed that. We're still waiting for our chance to parent our baby. Nothing will ever be "made right", but talking about an experience in Labor & Delivery, I just wished that time was on fast-forward and we were going there to be induced and take one of our babies home, finally. This wasn't the time and obviously I know it was not a suitable time since he has a lot more growing to do. But my heart was just aching and yearning so much for that experience to really anticipate and look into the eyes of my own child. The time will come. But man... why does it have to go so slow?

What a Difference a Year Makes

2011-11-26T20:33:00.001-06:00

You already know. But reading this post makes my heart skip a few beats. I'm sure I don't have to do any explaining on that one.

At the very least, I am absolutely thankful to have been pregnant with both of my boys on consecutive Thanksgivings. Little baby kicks are always a great reminder that although life may suck sometimes, it could be worse. There are some diamonds of happiness amidst the gloom and doom it's felt like over the past year. This weekend was definitely evidence of that.

We made it our goal to create a massive list of random things to do around the house that would occupy the four days off we have together this weekend. We weren't planning to get crazy and tear apart more of our basement or paint any more rooms, but we sure did create a good list. We spent much of the actual Thanksgiving day hanging out together. We went for a walk in the local forest preserve, watched some football, and ate some harvest pasta sent over by my SIL. We might make Thanksgiving walks our yearly tradition ~~if it's not icy and completely miserable outside~~. What's Thanksgiving really about, anyway? I made a homemade pumpkin pie for the very first time and homemade pizzas for dinner. The husband mentioned that he was only sad that he was missing out on pumpkin pie-- hence the creation. I didn't have cloves and I didn't measure the cinnamon because my husband tells me that cinnamon does not need to be measured since "you can never have too much cinnamon". Except it came out tasting like cinnamon pie and not traditional pumpkin pie. How fitting for a non-traditional Thanksgiving. I just want to comment that pre-dating, he thought it would be fun to put cinnamon in my pasta. It was d-i-s-g-u-s-t-i-n-g and I was legitimately annoyed. I've always disagreed with his cinnamon mentality. I think he finally realized you can have too much of a good thing by way of cinnamon in pumpkin pie. I didn't have any moments of what if throughout the day, although now that I type that...

Harvest pasta for lunch...

CINNAMON pie. But look at that completely homemade (yes, crust too!) pie! I suck at baking, but I was actually impressed with the way this looked.

Taco pizza. While in the Quad Cities last weekend, I saw a taco pizza on a menu and decided I would try my hand at one. It was fine, but nothing to brag about. I guess if I used ground beef it would've been better? But then I wouldn't have eaten any. Here was the before photo.

Here's our standard BBQ chicken/black bean pizza that I love making and we both love eating. Mmm. Definitely our go-to. I've photographed it before on the blog, but it's basically TJ's pizza dough rolled out and topped with BBQ sauce, corn, black beans, shredded chicken, scallions/shallots/onions-- whatever you have on hand or like, mozzarella, and cilantro. The trick to using a pizza stone is something we have finally mastered after years of failure. Heat the pizza stone at a high temp first. Then add the already flattened dough (with a dusting of cornmeal on the bottom) and cook it in the oven for a few minutes (trick from our friend Kristi). Take it out, use a metal spatula to loosen any sticking dough from the stone, top the pizza, then cook. It doesn't stick and the dough comes out fully cooked and amazing! Also, another trick to the TJ's dough. It likes to pull back when you roll it out, so I take it out of the bag and cover it with a light amount of flour. Let it rest for 20 minutes at room temperature. Start to roll out and then let it sit for a minute or two at a time when experiencing too much opposition from the dough. It rolls out after a short break and works amazingly!

Here's the taco pizza after cooking/adding cilantro. They kind of look the same but they're definitely not! I used a refried bean and salsa base, added olives, jalapeno, shredded chicken, more onion, cilantro, cheddar/jack and a drizzling of taco sauce. Forgot the crushed tortilla chips! It was good, but I think we'll be sticking with our standard tortillas for taco fillings and BBQ chicken/black bean pizza for our homemade variety from here on out.

Friday was a fantastically perfect day. Chicago is normally in a deep freeze by this time in the year and Friday was 55 degrees! I know. I can barely contain my own excitement either. We were outside almost the entire day. We deep cleaned the interior of each of our cars, vacuumed, washed, and waxed them. It was a little bittersweet because I remember doing that while I was largely pregnant with Andrew last fall as well. Ugh. Then we swept the deck, tackled the crazy roots on our crabapple tree, picked up sticks in our yard, bagged leaves, and swept the garage of all the residual fall leaves. We also ordered new tires for my car and had Ray's tires rotated. We even called a gutter guy to come clean our very full gutters. He arrived and sat on our roof. Then he left his supplies and disappeared. When he returned, he packed up and said he'd have to come back the next day. Never showed today as it rained all. day. long. Gah. I tried a trick to clean out our oven using only baking soda and water thanks to a friend's pin on pinterest. It worked pretty darn well. We organized and cleaned and basically utilized every chance we had to be outside sans jackets.

No Black Friday this year. We all know how heartbreaking that starter train set was to purchase last year, only to have my son die and deliver him 10 days later. It didn't mean we didn't partake in purchasing some things at ridiculously great prices, but we surely weren't waiting in line at the stores. We finally purchased a ventless gas fireplace for our family room. But don't think we didn't find the best deal around! We purchased three $100 Lowe's gift cards at our local grocery store that was running a promo-- buy $100 in gift cards and get $20 in free groceries at their store! We bought 3... so $60 in free groceries! Also, we used ShopAtHome and got 6% cash back as well for that online purchase. We definitely maximized our savings.

In addition, I finally pulled the trigger on purchasing my dreamy boots. Shoemall had them on sale for 20% off with free shipping. Then, I paired that with the 18% ShopAtHome was giving me for my purchase and it brought the boots down from $190 to about $125! I know. Sometimes I surprise myself with these amazing deals. No more big Wilson purchases... we've exceeded our limit! But man is our house super nice with that new fire. I can't wait to share what I bought the husband for his 30th birthday! Post to come in a couple weeks...

Today was an excellent day as well... except for the stupid rain. It was nice and warm still, but the rain was relentless. We ran some errands, Ray put together our new fireplace, I graded papers, did laundry, picked up Ray's shoes from this incredibly good cobbler in town that made them look brand-spankin' new, and watched some more football. Oh, and did I forget to mention that I met a lovely lady and her equally wonderful husband {from the blogosphere}? I'd like to credit us on both being bloggers before our lives were turned upside down, but we have a ton in common that includes losing our firstborn babies within a day of one another also. Not exactly how you want to meet people, but thankful for meeting two really great people in person and having that instant understanding only we loss parents have. And they were normal! And stylish! And adorable! I look overly bloated with baby fat (because I am), but she's pretty adorbs. Nothing like hanging out with people that totally get you. We've felt so abnormal for the last year of our lives that it was really great to feel like we actually "fit" with others.

Off to stop neglecting my husband. Oh, and someone asked for my email. If you click on our thumbnail photo on the right-hand side of the blog, it will take you to a page with my contact info or click here. :)

Quad Cities Getaway + Random iPhone Pictures

2011-11-23T14:16:00.001-06:00

We decided that another weekend trip was in order... so a few days before we left, we booked a hotel in the Quad Cities where Iowa and Illinois meet. Neither of us had ever been to Iowa before (and really have no desire to return), so we added another state to our lists. Our main reason was to get away... because staying at home can be a real drag when there is nothing. to. do. besides the ol' distraction projects that we're pretty much burnt out on. Plus, that's what the next four days off work are for. Our second piece of motivation was this show:

It just so happens that their warehouse {Antique Archaeology} is 2.5 hours from our doorstep just over the border of Iowa in Le Claire. The husband is a fan of the show so we headed out to check it out. The place was no more than 1,000 square feet and basically housed about 100 things you could buy and various pieces of fame from the show. Otherwise, it was all about the merchandise. Of course we are now owners of a hat that I sure hope my husband doesn't lose. He has a thing for losing hats.

You may recognize these if you watch the show...

Outside the warehouse

Video of the interior.

Our next stop in the Quad Cities was to check out the John Deere Pavilion. We really wanted to take a factory tour, but sadly they don't offer those on weekends. Instead, we headed into the pavilion where they have a bunch of their machines and various history about their brand. Basically, it was a madhouse of various little ones all over the place because they are able to sit on the equipment and inside the huge tires for cutesy photos taken by Mom and Dad. J.e.a.l.o.u.s.

Big machine made entirely out of canned goods! This is the back.

This is a bit out of order as it occurred last Sunday, but I'll speak to it anyway. There's a small Army Base on Rock Island, IL that we were able to drive on and check out their huge machines and museum (Rock Island Arsenal Museum). They aren't responsible for much, but they do have a working foundry and supply some of the niche items to the U.S. Government.

I saw Smokey the Bear inside the museum. Did you know that Smokey (now retired) was the longest running public campaign in United States history? He was started in the 40's and I believe ran until the late 80's/early 90's. I vividly remember these commercials and his voice.

"Only you can prevent forest fires."

The highlight of the entire trip was our experience at a women's roller derby game. When planning the trip, Ray looked online to find attractions in the area. Not only was he immediately sold on the idea of a roller derby game, but he bought advanced tickets! I can assure you, the tickets for this game were not selling out in this lifetime. And as a matter of fact, we're pretty sure every single person in the audience (besides us) had a personal relationship with at least one of the players. So yeah. That's what you get for watching Whip It. But don't worry-- we had an incentive to purchase those advanced tickets. We saved $1.50. Hahah. And yes, it was totally one of those arenas that served nacho cheese out of a can and various other little league favorites.

By the end of the game, we'd Wikipedia-ed all of the rules and were practically experts. Even better was our dinner prior to the game. We were wearing jeans and sweatshirts because we planned to sit on bleacher seats inside a cold warehouse for the evening watching a bunch of women trying to cut one another. I found a great Thai restaurant on Yelp in Moline, IL and walked in to find that the $10/plate restaurant had a bunch of men with sports coats and women in fancy garb. Ray told me how he felt under-dressed. We had to wait for a table because, coincidentally, there was a symphony starting about the same time as our roller derby game just down the road. We laughed at the thought of those other diners enjoying a night of pretentious music listening as we sat among the toothless and other random folk.

She's one of the more slender players, but dang are those women tough! I would get knocked around like a ragdoll with my 5'3" frame. They were fierce and it was very entertaining to watch.

A little derby action on video...

For those of you who know me well, I love a good deal! I get excited when I see those little red clearance stickers at Target just hoping I can pair them with a sweet coupon to score some huge savings. I am not a big shopper, but I can tell you that I currently own more cleaning supplies than what is currently in stock at your local grocery store. Hah. Okay, not that many, but let's just say I have to stock them upstairs in our guest bathroom now because under my kitchen sink is too full. I'm picky, too. I like the all-natural stuff and try my best to score amazing deals on those. Hence the photo. I don't know why it says "as is" because it's just a regular clearance item, but I scored ten of these bad boys for $1.26. Yeah, $12.60. I know, what an obsession, right? I just love J.R. Watkins and Mrs. Meyers. But don't worry, I have a fair share of Seventh Generation products under my sink as well. I keep telling myself that someday, someday I'll actually have a little messy one who insists on making sure we're cleaning the floor nonstop after spaghetti night.

While at Target, I scored my favorite pasta and had to take a photo so I could remember the name. :)

I made these amazing roasted brussel sprouts I found at Whole Foods in a bag and then sliced and seasoned with balsamic vinegar, olive oil, cracked pepper, and sea salt. Then I roasted on a cookie sheet for 10 minutes on each side. I love them. Finished product not shown... but you can follow this recipe if you'd like. I served them up with some amazing pasta (see above) and roasted garlic marinara with some seeded and Italian rolls from Whole Foods. I seriously love that place. Too bad I feel so broke when I shop there. Can of soup, $5? You people are cuh-razy!

Starting to get this crap in the mail and I'm not liking it one bit. :( And hey, thanks for the discount on toddler formula! Maybe I'll follow this blogger's lead and write a little letter of disapproval to their marketing departments. Thanks Geoffrey. Sometimes giraffes can be real jerks.

On the first birthday front... I have amazing friends who have offered so many wonderful tokens of celebration and have voiced them to me. Overwhelming love. I'm so grateful.

And the final random iPhone picture I have to share is a photo from this morning. I checked my MyPanera account and saw that I had a free pastry and free smoothie! And that would be breakfast this morning:

We'll see if that was a good decision or not! Glucose test coming very soon. Gah. And I'm also proud to say that I've somehow made it 2/3 through this pregnancy and will be giving birth to a baby at some point within the next 100 days. It's still so hard to imagine him coming home with us, but I want it so bad. Keep growing, baby boy! Also, I was at work the other day and one of the ladies asked me when I planned to work until. I have no reason not to work until my induction date. I think I'd drive myself MAD if I were at home just waiting for a baby. Shoot, I already do that and I have a full time job! Her reason for asking was because she wanted to know if/when to schedule the baby shower for the three women (who are pregnant with boys and due within 1 week of one another). She asked if I'd be okay with them throwing me a shower.

I politely declined and said a forward, "No." I explained that it's very emotional for me and the very thought of sitting in a room while people talk about babies and get excited makes me super apprehensive. I explained that I am honored they were thinking of me enough to offer to throw me a shower, but that I cannot handle the emotional side of it. I told her that I wouldn't be able to attend the shower for the other women either, but that I absolutely wish them well in celebrating. All of these babies deserve the love, attention, affection, and celebration-- but it's not like I'm not celebrating this baby despite not having a shower! We talk to him everyday and praise his little kicks. We cherish every single moment we have with him and want to shower him with love and affection. It's not like he'll know about the shower happening/not happening anyway. The woman was surprised I didn't want a shower and told me she was really happy she asked because she just assumed it would all be well and I'd be fine with a shower and everything. It does just go to show that people don't understand loss on the outside. It's not their fault and they don't deserve blame, but many people just don't understand how emotionally taxing these events can be to a bereaved, hormonal, pregnant, paranoid mother. I feel so thankful that people want to celebrate my babies... but I'm still not at a place where I can handle that sort of thing.

I'm also happy to report that I haven't had any breakdowns in seeing the Christmas crap in every corner I turn. While I'm apprehensive about Andrew's birthday coming, I'm just hoping time is kind and carries on its merry way into the new year. I've got a baby to meet! Please oh please be healthy and alive, little one. I've never wanted something more in my life.

Sacrifice & Dreams

2011-11-16T15:52:00.000-06:00

First, just had to point out that my neighbor just put up 3 foot letters of JOY on her lawn. Great. Can't wait to stare at those for the next three months of my ~~pitiful~~ life. Okay, it's not all pitiful. But really? November 16th is jumping the gun just a tad there, lady.

Kids are trying to touch my belly now and I'm not too big a fan. For the most part, I also pretend like Andrew is alive as many who don't know me well (and newish teachers) ask if this is my first. Nope, have a son. How old his he? Almost one. In a dream, he is. In a perfect, lovely world, he's almost one.

Onto the topic of sacrifice. We're giving up a lot for this baby. Mainly a trip to Florida and Hawaii, all-expenses paid in the Chicago winter. That needed to be highlighted. Any of you who've visited or lived here know just how painful and dreary they can be after staring at the same snow that fell in December... in March. But you know, I am not even a little sad that we'd give all that up. Shoot, I'd give up 100 trips around the world if this little peach just freaking lives. Live, thrive, learn, grow, eat, jump, laugh, experience, travel, marry, procreate, succeed, fail, triumph, struggle. We'll weather the storms. We'll get through them and we'll have more opportunities to ~~pay for~~ trips to Hawaii and Florida.

Now that the winter is upon us (with a high of 43 today), we're setting our sights on getting out of here for the most part. It's painful to be stagnant and cramped up (hah, our house is big) in the 'burbs where all of our dreams were shattered at this very same place last year. I heard a woman say today that she's due in 3 weeks. I had to take a very deep breath on that one. D-day for one couple is a joyous and monumental occasion for another. I digress. Any chance we get, we get the hell out of here. I guess our dreams were made here, too. Ray landed his dream job, hence the only reason we settled here to begin with. High taxes and bad weather sure didn't inspire or invite. We conceived our first ~~second and third~~ child here. We planned and dreamt and set goals and milestones and all that jazz. We bought our first house. I don't quite believe in this magical "American Dream" that's somehow been planted into our minds from the start... because I wouldn't say there is much attachment to our house in general. We only bought because we wanted our children to have a great school district, room to grow, and a safe place to call home. Otherwise, we'd have purchased a condo somewhere in a more modest zone with lower taxes. It's not really a fulfilled dream until we have little critters flooding our floorspace. I don't have to remind you all we sacrificed in our hope to have children... as any parent or wannabe parent can understand. And obviously there's the sacrifice that we involuntarily gave when saying goodbye to our little boy. Sometimes I think of that story with Abraham and Isaac and think about how he attempted to sacrifice his son. Except, I surely wasn't giving Andrew up and definitely not that soon. And Abraham didn't actually end up sacrificing his son, but a stupid animal instead. Wish I could've stole someone's cat for the ransom. Just sayin'.

Onto dreams. We're starting to dream. We've always been dreamers. We dream about the past just as much as the present and future. I think about our travels we were so fortunate to take throughout Europe and all of the places we've visited on a daily basis. Life is indeed about experiences, because nothing I own even compares to the experiences we had overseas. I was reminded of this once again today when students were searching on laptops for Transylvania. We never visited Transylvania, but we did visit Romania and were awed by the beauty of a country many people don't even consider visiting, based on Eastern European history. When a student came up in wonder and asked, "You've been to Romania? Wow!" And the art teacher commented about how she was "envious of our travels" earlier in the day. We are indeed, so thankful and so blessed with wonderful experiences and resources.

But even further, we're dreaming about this baby boy. I have to admit that many of these dreams are just the same as we had with Andrew. How can they not be? Gender is the same. Parents are the same. Home is the same. Nursery items are the same. It was only a year ago, after all. And every once in awhile I go to say Andrew's name and am quickly taken aback by the very thought. Has my mind not yet processed that this is a new and different baby? Or is it that starting a pregnancy with my first pregnancy still so fresh in memory too difficult for my brain to separate? I'm not fooled. I know they aren't the same and I won't even expect or hope that they would be. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want this baby to resemble Andrew's beautiful face just a little. His long eyelashes and gorgeous fingers and toes. His button nose and perfect lips. But I won't be fooled to assume that they are the same people. No replacement, two individuals.

Dreams of having a boy had always been in my future. I just knew I'd be a boy mom. I was worried that once Andrew died, I'd lose that chance. I know two separate women who had stillbirths for their firstborns and then went on to have three of the opposite gender to follow. I was nervous I would never get my chance to have a boy again. Not that my dream has been fully achieved-- as I'm merely pregnant, but I feel like I've been given a second chance card. Not one that replaces, but one that fulfills a fraction of my vision for messy cleats and train sets. My dreams have also changed. While I wouldn't say relief was the word that struck me when finding out this little one's gender, it was a question of how people would react (oh good, 1-for-1 type of issue) and how I would be able to process another boy. A girl would dynamically change my dreams of what type of lifestyle we'd have. It might have been easier. Maybe not. At this point, I don't think about it that much because I know that in addition to the health and heartbeat, it's out of my realm of control.

We do dream about lacing up our little guy's sneakers and taking him to the park. And we even went as far to dream that if things work out, we'll plan a long road trip and take our little guy along. Something totally out of the plan that we originally envisioned for Andrew. Our thought of family has evolved. We'll still be the family that sits down to dinner every night with one another, but also the family who really, truly maximizes our time together. I think we were always set in that mentality, but it seems to have amplified our desire considering all we've lost. The dream of two children has died and been reformed. We already, technically have two children. We're now shooting for three live children. I say that having never changed my own child's diaper in my life. But yeah, being pregnant three flipping times.

I could attempt to tie in our sacrifice and dreams, but I would prefer to see them as separate entities for now. So much sacrifice has been given so we could dream of children. That much is true.

At the Baggage Claim

2011-11-11T11:43:00.000-06:00

...you got a lot of luggage in your name...

I often joke with my husband about hoping nothing ever happens to him because I'd be hard-pressed to find someone willing to deal with all the emotional baggage I've acquired since losing Andrew. Also, losing him would surely add enough baggage to send me on an overage and be grounds for mental ward admittance.

Take Tuesday for example. I had a relatively mild weekend with my husband away on business for five bloody days and only a few moments of the ugly cry on the 5th. Pretty good, I thought. Until he called and told me he would not be home for dinner on day five because of another business meeting. Still, okay it seemed. Annoyed, but okay. Until he finally walked in the door. You'd think I'd jump up and down or run into his arms (like I normally do), but not this time. Instead, I pouted on the couch as I cashed in my investment on Puffs tissue. None of this was his fault and call me emotional or hormonal or both, but I was a blubbering mess of tears until I could fall asleep two hours later.

Seriously, who would take me? Wanted: someone to put up with a woman whose son died and occasionally has outbursts of uncontrollable crying sprees without warning or explanation. Hah. I know I'm not the only one, as most people have baggage and have never experienced the death of a close loved one. But baby loss baggage is hard to contend with.

I never thought I had too much baggage before the winter of hell, 2010. Well, there was that time in my life, now 21 years later, that I swore off meat because my grandparent's farm of our beloved animals turned into a slaughterhouse that managed to make its way on our dinner table in the form of chili mac. That was definitely baggage that stuck the course. But socially acceptable (allowing me to claim ethics or other untrue BS stories) and not tipping the weird scale quite like baby loss does. That kind of crap only happens to really weird people who did something to deserve it. Or so I wish.

Otherwise, I was as normal as they come. Ask my husband pre-hell the number of times he'd seen me cry and he'd be hard-pressed to describe a time. Now, waterworks can be set off on a dime.

I'm better today. And by better I mean not uncontrollably sobbing to the point of lethargy. On the baby front, we're trekking along. He moves like a champ and we're just hoping these next 15 weeks or so go by speedily because my hormones are off the charts!

p.s. If you're in the Chicagoland area, Qdoba Mexican Grill is running a promo to give away $1,000 to three different non-profits/organizations if you write 500 words or less on why they deserve the cash. As a benefit to you, they'll provide a link to print a completely free entree once you're done writing. It took me five minutes. Not sure if I was allowed to select a non-Chicago based organization, but I chose Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Other fantastic organizations I know of are Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and Ellie's Light. All of those wonderful non-profits were started by fellow mothers who lost their children. NILMDTS came in and took photos of Andrew at 1 a.m. on the day we said goodbye, completely free and done entirely by volunteers. Those photos cannot be matched with a price, you guys. That's all I have to remember his beautiful face. If you have a few minutes, earn a free meal and write a little blurb about your favorite non-profit or mine. ;)

Celebrating Andrew

2011-11-05T11:23:00.001-05:00

It's been almost a year. In many ways, I wonder how it's possible that my son died one year ago. One year seems like forever has passed, and in other ways, I'm reminded of all the milestones I missed during this time of mourning and grief. It's safe to say that I'm still shocked about what's taken place in our lives. But I wouldn't take back a second of my everlasting grief if it meant Andrew was never born. He is worthy of all the attention and love his parents can give him-- no matter how long he was with us.

I've never been the best at birthdays and celebrations-- partly because I lack the creativity to fully design something worthy of such great effort. Plus, I don't feel like stress should ever be part of celebrating. Andrew was not given a memorial service because we were in no state of mind to do such planning. That, and I never felt it was my style. He deserves and will always be worthy of praise, love, and celebrating. He is our son and we are not denying that of him. We love him to end of the earth. He's far more important to me than anything we could ever purchase or earn. I can't really see the what ifs in this situation either, because we've always been more private (oh, except sharing my innermost details on this blog. hah.) and wouldn't likely have had a monstrous party for his first birthday anyway. But one thing is certain: there would've definitely been CAKE.

We won't be releasing balloons because it's not our thing. But we will be celebrating. If you're interested in celebrating our son's life, we invite you to celebrate with dessert. Our children will most certainly never be deprived of the sweet things in life-- as we are two adults who fully enjoy the indulgence. The best things in life? We're convinced dessert is among them. That, and our children.

On December 5, we will be enjoying an evening out to dinner in celebration of Andrew's life on what would be his first birthday. This will likely be a tradition. After dinner, we will absolutely be celebrating with dessert! We're not sure what kind just yet, but it will be good. So, if you're in, light a candle for our Andrew and enjoy some dessert in honor of him on his special day.

Also, a fellow BLM blogger friend celebrated her daughter's first year anniversary by encouraging others to engage in random acts of kindness on her daughter's behalf. If you would like to participate in that way, we'd be honored. Helping someone to their car, treating someone to lunch... whatever you want it to be in honor of Andrew's life. I'm not requiring that anyone do both, or either. Just inviting you in the celebration if you're interested.

His official birthday: December 5, 2010 at 9:04 p.m.

In this grief journey, I'm learning that those who have not experienced such great loss simply do not know how to react-- whether in everyday life, just after loss occurs, or one year out. No one has given them the green light that it's okay to remember our children. As Andrew's mom, I feel like it's my duty to keep his memory alive and encourage others to feel comfortable enough to celebrate the life of a child they've never met, seen, or held. Losing our son has made us sad, but having him has made us abundantly grateful. Your celebrations in his honor are always welcome--and while I may cry-- it's mostly because someone cared enough to make an effort to remember him. I don't expect you to always remember his birthday (though I do mention his birthday like every 5 minutes on this blog), but this year I'm inviting you to.

It would be really special to keep all celebrations on that specific day, but the time is less important and much harder to coordinate, I realize! If you shoot a photo of your dessert/candle or your random act of kindness, I'd love to share on the blog... so feel free to email that to me.

It's so completely out of character for me to ask things of people that might require time/money, but this is my son and I'm willing to give it all I've got to make sure his first birthday anniversary is felt in the heavens. We love you, little buddy. To the moon.

It's Thursday. A Random Post to Finish the Week.

2011-11-03T16:18:00.000-05:00

Had a conversation today. Not that I don't have those everyday, but the kind that made me explain things about my dead son that I usually try to avoid with the random folks.

I was ~~making sure a child didn't go nuts~~ observing a child in gym today and another woman was in there with her equally interesting caseload. As we managed to dodge balls being flung at our heads for 20 minutes, we chatted. I asked her if she wanted the rest of my Kit Kat because I have serious issues with eating sweets while pregnant. The scale validated my concern at my last OB appt. Super. Fat Brandy is in full force. Anyway, I asked her if she wanted my chocolate. Nope, she's allergic. Totally unrelated to what I'm getting at here, but it was part of our conversation and I had to feel a little sorry for her inability to consume something that is practically a food group in my house.

I'm definitely showing through my clothes now and it's nearly impossible to hide like I've been doing pretty well for the last 5 months. I've given up and just threw on a maternity shirt today without the added jacket or pullover I usually add to the wardrobe to avert the crisis of having to explain that I am, in fact, pregnant. Like I'm a 16-year old teenager in high school who made a big mistake one evening or something. No, I'm a 29-year old woman who is happily married. In any culture, pregnancy is acceptable and welcomed to someone like me. But instead I've spent 5 months trying to hide myself. Today, I was over it. The game is over and I probably had about 20 kids ask me if I am pregnant today. And to all 20, I replied that I was. They were all excited. It was a weird experience. Of course they are. Why wouldn't they be? The subsequent question is always about the gender and if we've chosen a name. I pretend as though we don't have one chosen. We do... but until we are comfortable speaking it aloud, we aren't sharing.

Back to gym class and the stranger standing next to me. She asked if this was my first. Normally, I say no and just leave it be. What does it matter to explain things further if I'll never see her again? But then, something happened. Her eyes lit up and she grew excited about him and how this will be my second-- a second boy! I couldn't wait for the next, inevitable age question to follow, so I went right ahead and whispered that he died. The usual, "I'm so sorry" remarks ensued as I spent the next minute explaining that my son does not make me sad and that I am comfortable telling her about him. She apologized for assuming that all was well and I had to, once again, explain that it was okay that she asked. It's important people know that although rare, children sometimes don't come home from the hospital.

Otherwise, I've been a cooking machine over here. I recently made a few recipes I pinned on Pinterest. All of them were fantastic! I am finding that a creative outlet is really helping this pregnancy. I need something to take my mind off gestating and all the possibilities of disaster that could occur. I still feel daily movement, so for now, we still have this little guy on board. Thankful. And getting more plump by the second-- partially from my new creative outlet and Halloween candy, but also from this growing little body!

Before sharing my latest recipes, I'll explain Halloween. I spent the afternoon hours driving around to various stores and places I needed to run errands at. But after awhile and two Targets later, I needed to get home and make dinner. I managed to avoid 80% of the trick-or-treaters and definitely avoided the families that normally tote their cute littles around in wagons and drink their beers from coozies. That, I definitely needed to avoid. For all I know, they may very well have avoided me too. Instead, we got the tail-end of jerky high school kids who should really be home doing their homework and not begging adults for trinkets and pieces of candy they don't really need. But anyway... successful, I guess. Links to recipes are below.

Baked, vegetarian spring rolls and Southwestern baked spring rolls

I also made a toasted ancho-chile sauce for enchiladas, homemade tzatziki (incredible), and Lebanese Beef for homemade gyros. I made some falafel from a box and it turned out a bit dry, but otherwise tasty as well.

Random for Thursday, but it's all I could muster up. Sometimes that just has to be good enough.

Live Like You Were Dying

2011-10-28T20:51:00.001-05:00

My friend Brooke sent over this story the other day about a woman whose son is terminal. He has a disease that is guaranteed to shorten his life and the quality of those short years. She speaks about how her parenting style is different. Does it really matter if your child eats all their vegetables if they will die tomorrow? He is allowed whatever makes him the most comfortable and happy because she will be able to give him very little for the rest of his life. She won't send him to college or cheer him on at soccer games. But she can give him cheesecake if that's what he really wants to eat for dinner.

Our parenting plans, our lists, the advice I read before Ronan’s birth make little sense now. No matter what we do for Ronan — choose organic or non-organic food; cloth diapers or disposable; attachment parenting or sleep training — he will die. All the decisions that once mattered so much, don’t.

It got me thinking... and then of course a country song popped into my head. This happens a lot. My immediate thought was that song from Tim McGraw, Live Like You Were Dying, about a man who learned he had terminal cancer and all the adventures he took himself on were as though living that one day would be his last-- skydiving, Rocky Mountain climbing, riding a bull, loving deeper, speaking sweeter, giving forgiveness {he'd} been denying. And it ends with this kicker:

Someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying.

Let's get real. I'm not ready to die. I wasn't ready for my son to die and I'll never accept that as being okay. I'm not ready to say goodbye to baby #2 either. I hope I don't have to, but I don't have a say in the matter. I have to hope and pray and wish and dream that this little guy will hold on and grow strong in his "safe place" (irony, anyone?) and we'll get to love on him forever. But we just don't know the future. It could be short or long and none of us are promised another day.

As the "dragon mom" in the article mentioned, she is choosing to love her son fully and take one day at a time. I am attempting to make this my goal during this pregnancy. I am so thankful and so lucky to have this little boy growing and kicking within me. But I know he may not be with me forever and I need to cherish the time we have with him however long we're given. Don't get me wrong; I'll be crazy and throw fits and be even angrier if something happens to this little gem, too, but I am choosing to spend my pregnant days just loving him. I feel as though I maintained that same mentality with Andrew, too, but I lost touch at some points when I was too busy planning a nursery, reading pregnancy books, and signing up for parenting classes that I didn't focus as much on the little joy growing within me. I focused on a life we never got and not on the child who mattered in the moment. I wish I'd written more down, taken more photos, counted his little kicks, talked to him even more. This time, I have no excuse. I am not planning a nursery. As a matter of fact, we refuse to take Andrew's name down from the wall or move a thing until this child is in our arms. We'll worry about that later. Right now, we love and bond and cherish each moment.

Dragon Mom has the right idea.

It's short. Read the article. Not just for moms or BLMs or anyone in particular. I think she has some wisdom that puts life in perspective. We could all use the reminder at times.

My Sentiments Exactly.

2011-10-26T10:31:00.000-05:00

This article has been floating around the BLM circle. I am not re-posting for BLMs to read, but for those who haven't experienced this unbearable loss to read. I'll live this reality for the rest of my life. To say it's changed me as a person is an understatement. So honest, and unfortunately, so real.

Milwaukee Journal, October 6, 2011, Laura Schubert

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Current List of Worries

2011-10-25T09:16:00.001-05:00

Stuff most pregnant women never think about is all I can ...

1. Low grade fevers. This pregnancy I've had this twice and one of those times was last night. Cue the panicking, wet wash cloths, increased water intake, heat turned off, checking my temp every 5 minutes until it broke (over the course of two hours from 1am-3am), and no blankets.

2. Drinking water. We received a letter from our city that in August they tested the drinking water and traces of bacteria were found. Great, I've only increased my water consumption because I've been pregnant the entire time of this testing/realization. Don't panic, they said. Don't boil your water, they said. Don't stop drinking it, they said. Except when you know a good BLM friend of yours lost her perfect son to bacterial meningitis. We'll be purchasing large amounts of bottled water starting today.

3. Cord coiling. Looks like this baby also has an undercoiled umbilical cord. The perinatologist said it is normal and functioning, but definitely less coiled than he's used to seeing. Great. A little too close to home on that one since my first son died from an undercoiled cord being flattened in utero. Hello early induction date!?

4. Falling on ice. Winter is about to hit Chicagoland and we hear that we're going to be taking a beating. Know what that means? More black ice and more chances to fall on it. Looks like I'll be hermit crabbing it up inside my house for the next six months. Don't believe me? Winter really does last that long here.

On the good news front, this baby is developing just as he should and measuring a bit ahead in every category. {No surprise on the gender, btw. We've had a hunch since our 12w u/s that there were boy parts present.} There are no current health concerns or abnormalities to worry about at this time. If only I had the ability to hold that cord in place for the next 4 months, I totally would. Instead, I worry.

Chicago and GRASS

2011-10-21T17:03:00.000-05:00

Ever since I gave up facebook, I've discovered Pinterest. It's not new, but I'm now a big fan. I follow some pretty fantastic people like Brooke and Alli. They pin crap I like and then I share it with you. Like this, for example:

That's it. That's all we've got in this state. Chicago, and grass. I'm hard-pressed to find anything from my house to St. Louis that isn't cornfields and soybean farms. And it ain't pretty, either. You mean to tell me that I left Life of the Party for this place? Yeah, yeah, the husband is definitely worth it, I agree. ;)

Mostly I just pin food pictures/recipes because I'm a hoarder. But this, this is a keeper. I wish I were one of those people who could commit to a specific day of blogging about stuff. You know how people do those "Wordless Wednesdays" (which are never really wordless, btw) and stuff like that. But I'm not. Plus, there is no day of the week beginning with 'p' and I'd really like the alliteration to work out in my favor.

Fall Getaway to the East Coast

2011-10-19T15:39:00.001-05:00

We're on another adventure. Ray has been in the D.C. area for work the last 2 weeks, so we decided to extend some of the meetings into a full visit. I arrived to join him Saturday and we spent 4 days with the Wilson clan.

It all started Friday morning...
I walked downstairs and bent over to grab my shoes. I did not bend my knees and while this is normally not an issue, it was this particular morning. I heard an incredibly scary pop sound and then stood back up. I have been in intense and excruciating pain ever since. The girls turns 29 and all of a sudden she's totally out of shape and unable to perform regular tasks. I suppose part of that could be attributed to my lack of flexibility because I haven't exercised since I saw those two lines on that pregnancy test. Well, a few random hikes and walks here and there, but nothing in the way of heavy cardio or weights. I'm just so intensely afraid that I'll move wrong and hurt this critter. It's totally irrational, but I can't help but feel this way. I'm over halfway at this point, so I guess there will be time to worry about all the lbs later.

I digress. I somehow managed to get on a plane Saturday morning to fly to Reagan and met up with my husband and my in-laws. We then headed over to dinner with Ray's lovely grandparents and his Aunt Helen and Uncle Mike. They gave us some beautiful Andrew gifts... but I'll have to display those in a different post as I'd like to take a few photos that haven't yet been taken since the gifts are packed away in my luggage. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have my son remembered and loved by family. It truly means everything to me. Unfortunately, pain continued. I was laying on my back before and after dessert-- which was carrot cake and my favorite peanut butter swirl ice cream!

Sunday meant church and a lovely brunch and performance of Chicago at a local dinner theatre in the Baltimore area. I'd been there once before about 5 years ago when I made my first trip to MD to meet the family! Now I'm definitely part of the family... so a much different trip. Saw my beautiful SIL, but otherwise winced in pain the entire show as Ray would apply pressure to my back every few minutes.

Monday was a day of relaxation and two chiropractor appointments. I would normally never visit a doctor in another state, but I simply could not take the pain any longer. It was to the point that I'd go to bed for 12 hours and spend most of the days laying on my back. He was really nice and gave me a neck adjustment (ouch) along with using some strange vi.brating torture tools. I also sat on a moving massage bed for 20 minutes. I left feeling 100% unchanged. Five hours later, I was back. This time, I pinpointed exactly where in my upper back felt the most shooting pain and he gave me yet another neck adjustment along with more torture tools. I was so terrified during this process as I'm pregnant with a critter who was probably being shaken, too. Luckily, the pain was occurring in my upper back and not my lower back. But when you've lost one child, you pretty much assume only the worst can happen since there is intervention involved. I left feeling about 20% better. Throughout the rest of that night and the next day, it progressed to 50% pain. That night we went to visit a friend who coaches soccer for Ray's old high school. We didn't actually get to hang out with him, but we watched the JV and Varsity games of his Alma Mater.

Tuesday, the four of us headed to Mt. Vernon in Alexandria, VA. It was a lovely day and perfect for our visit. I'd never seen Washington's home, so it was really great to visit. I always find it so wild that Ray grew up less than an hour from the White House, Pentagon, and the heart of D.C. So much history, including battlefields, were literally his backyard. We took a walk in Downtown Alexandria and enjoyed dinner at the Columbia Firehouse off King Street.

Currently, I'm sitting in our hotel room that Ray's parents dropped us off at last night after our dinner. I spent some of the morning walking around town and had lunch at this pita joint... totally underwhelming. Yelp definitely let me down on that one.

My walking lunch of mediocre ingredients.

We'll be having dinner with some of Ray's colleagues this evening and will be heading out tomorrow around dinnertime. I love getaways with my husband! Thankfully, too, this litter critter has been moving quite a bit since my little chiropractic experience. We had one scare where we both nearly lost it when I hadn't felt its movements in awhile. Of course no one will be able to talk me out of thinking that it's now brain-damaged, but that's the psychosis of a pregnancy after loss. I respect all you women who have crossed this road before me. There are no rules and no way anyone can guarantee things will work out. I guess that's the reality of life. None of us have any guarantees about anything and life is just a precious and fragile thing.

Guess who's flying first class tomorrow? Don't get used to it, child. Mom and Dad are definitely too cheap to be spending the G's on upgrades like this! Just worked out this go-around.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

2011-10-15T06:20:00.001-05:00

...is today.

...and his name is Andrew. Love you my boy.

Operation Fat Baby

2011-10-11T15:59:00.000-05:00

It's probably just going to end up being Operation Fat Brandy, but whatever. Pregnancy is stressful enough under these circumstances and stress might make a certain someone want to eat. A lot.

As I walked out of TCBY this afternoon with my strawberry frozen yogurt, some guy made sure to ask, "Is that for you or the baby?" I honestly looked around me to see if there were other customers he was talking to because I didn't know what he was talking about. Oh, that thing in my belly? Ah, right. Yeah, it's probably just for me. Thanks for asking, inappropriate stranger. Since I often choose to forget there's a little human setting up camp in there, it was weird to hear that out of the mouth of a complete stranger. Then I realized that he doesn't know anything about me and most certainly has no clue that I have such sensitive issues surrounding pregnancy and babymaking. Most people don't-- I'm just the anomaly.

I have a particular affinity toward things made with processed cheese (Cheetos, Cheezits) or anything fried. This could be a very bad situation, especially if strangers feel the need to point out my calorie consumption on the regular.

Hi, my name is Brandy and I consume way too many calories. Oh, and I don't care what anyone has to say about it. If someone could guarantee me a healthy, screaming, fat baby at the end of this whole ordeal, I would literally go buy out the entire potato chip aisle at the nearest market. I have no shame.

Mine will definitely (or we'd have serious issues) not be Asian or this much of a chunker, but it wouldn't be a proper fat baby post without a visual of sorts. Totally necessary, right?

Are You Ready For Some Football?

2011-10-09T13:39:00.001-05:00

Air Force wasn't. Ba-dum-ch.

Okay, in all honesty, we were really rooting for those Falcons since the husband is an alum. It just wasn't in the cards. So much that it was Notre Dame's highest scoring game in 15 years. Ouch. A very high scoring game and Air Force just didn't have what it took on the defense to stop them. I do believe there were three touchdowns in the first quarter alone by ND.

We drove from Chicago to South Bend and made it in time to see a little of the lacrosse scrimmage going on between the two teams. Ray played Division 1 for Air Force all four years at the Academy and we were there to check out their newbies. Nothing like a bunch of young, athletic men to make you feel old as the hills. We walked by the lacrosse bus later on and out of the crowd, one of Ray's former coaches called him out by name. It was really special. It's always awkward to run into someone from so long ago and expect them to remember you-- but he remembered Ray without drawing attention to himself. Definitely made this wife incredibly proud. We also caught the first half of the soccer game between UConn and ND. Both fantastic teams we enjoyed watching. No scoring, but tough teams overall.

We walked to grab some lunch and finally found our way to the football stadium. It just so happens we were sitting in the Air Force block of seats (aka: someone in the Springs purchased tickets and sold them at a higher price to us schmucks). There was an obnoxious couple next to us that had plenty of opportunities to cheer for those Irish since they scored so often. There were tons of cadets and proud Academy parents surrounding us in the stands. I think it's always so fun to attend Academy events or visit because it was such a huge part of Ray's life that I was not in the picture for. There was also a B-2 Bomber flyover before the game which was extremely cool.

Pretty special picture of myself wearing Ray's old number. That's the team in the background.

Post-scrimmage

Upside-down IRISH.

Just after the National Anthem, a B-2 Bomber flew over. It was incredible. Even more ~~depressing~~ incredible was that the pilot is a 2007 USAFA grad. Three years younger than us flying an incredibly expensive aircraft. Here are my pathetic attempts to take a photo using our crappy camera. I also was not prepared because I really didn't think they'd have a flyover at a game in Indiana. I sure was wrong. Can you spot the black speck at the bottom cable line?

What about the even smaller speck here?

Since my attempts were so poor, here's a real image of one. Awesome, huh?

Why some of these photos are so low quality is beyond me.

Standing with Touchdown Jesus in the background.

That's all she wrote...

Did I Speak Too Soon?

2011-10-05T10:00:00.010-05:00

I read advice somewhere in my early stages of grief that advised couples who lost a child in-utero to only start trying again once they felt their excitement for having another child outweighed their fear of losing said child.

I call bullshit.

While we're excited at being pregnant again, we are terrified at equal levels. Like my friend Keleen pointed out in one of her current pregnancy post-loss posts, we're more familiar with the idea of loss than life. In some ways, I'm more "comfortable" with how to react if this child dies than if it lives. It's the only experience I have. I don't think my fear will ever go away and I don't think that if we waited a year, 2 years, 5 years, that my heart would feel any different. I might actually feel more fear because my biological clock is ticking and complications mount the more time I wait.

I've spent the last 4 months avoiding pregnancy topics, talks, and anything that might "out" me as one of them. I've been desperately hiding my belly so students wouldn't notice. To date, two of them have commented. One said, "You're having another baby?" It's abnormal to see someone pregnant so quickly after their last obvious pregnancy. I get it, kid. I logically responded by looking at him like he was crazy and telling him to get back to reading his story. Another girl commented on how I looked pregnant. I acted offended that she would consider me "fat", though I'm obviously masking a growing munchkin. Another innocent kiddo asked where my son was recently. I responded by saying, "Well, not here!" The child then commented back about him being home with a babysitter. Hah. If only.

The teachers are more keen and concerned for me, often asking questions about well-being. I've got to be honest, though. I have never announced to any of these people, yet they feel the need to ask me point-blank if I am pregnant. I'm a little surprised by this because 1. It's never okay to ask someone if they are pregnant unless they are clearly showing if you aren't at least a close friend or the keeper of their phone number (indicating personal relationship) and 2. Pregnancy is a fragile topic for me. Handle with care. If I'm not talking about it, I probably don't want to. It's also incredibly uncomfortable to feel like I need to validate how myself and my doctors plan to make sure this one doesn't die. They don't outright say it like that, but it usually heads down this road: So... is there anything being done differently this time? Well, yes, but mostly just to protect my fragile heart and reassure me constantly that there's still a heartbeat. The implication is that we didn't do enough last time to save Andrew and therefore were negligent in some way and responsible for his death. No, sometimes it's just an accident. Maybe that's just me being all defensive and presuming too much. I know people are curious and afraid to ask. When they do ask, I make assumptions about their thoughts and become offended. Always a lose-lose. Gah. I can assure you that I wouldn't just get pregnant again to put myself intentionally back in the dead-baby zone. I will move heaven and earth for this child, just as I would for Andrew. There are some wonderful responses like, "We're over the moon for you. Please know that you are in our every thought and prayer for this little one."

Anyway, just babbling my emotions once again. I had a scare on Sunday morning when I thought my stomach looked less bulging and therefore my automatic assumption was that there was a limp, lifeless baby inside my uterus. I asked Ray for the doppler (he keeps it in his car so I don't have freakout sessions without him home) and we found the heartbeat right away along with some movement. I questioned recently if I thought the doppler was a good purchase. I felt it made me crazy trying to figure out if the sounds I was hearing were actually the heartbeat. That one use validated the purchase.

I spent a good portion of the yesterday evening crying. I rarely answer the phone anymore, so the voicemails just pile up.This time there were seven. I know that once I let them play, I'll cry. For that reason, I let them pile up so I can listen when I feel most emotionally stable and get the tears out of the way all at the same time. When I went to listen, I heard such wonderful messages of love and support. What should normally be comforting to most people sent me into a fit of crying. I haven't cried that long and hard for a long time. I was crying because I felt like a terrible friend. Like I've been entirely too antisocial but don't know how to handle things any other way. Crying because people are saying wonderful things to congratulate and offer condolences when I never wanted to be in this position to begin with. I appreciate them but just don't know how to handle things. Crying because I couldn't (still) believe this is the life I'll live forever missing Andrew. It can be really too much to handle sometimes. When tears feel like they're literally pouring out of your heart and could fill up a small bowl with their downpour.

Announcing the pregnancy was a vulnerable experience for me. I hate putting myself out there so much, but I knew it was inevitable. There's so much to talk about that makes this pregnancy a world different than my pregnancy with Andrew. I'm sure I'll get to all those emotions at some point if I can keep my head straight for 5 minutes long enough to blog about them.

Ten months. It stings.

Oktoberfest Dreamin'

2011-10-04T16:15:00.005-05:00

Two years ago today and we were living the dream. Oktoberfest in Munich and drinking our weight in beer without a care in the world...

Prost!

Look at me! I have no idea what it means to hit rock bottom yet! Ah, the simple life.

Wanna make a baby next year? Sure! How perfect that will be!

Nice form.

Na na na na na.... na na na na na...

Smoke-filled room with Germans, beer, pretzels, and Lederhosen.

Beer garden, music, and dancing...

Attacking an innocent pretzel while Alison gracefully nibbles. I'm usually this modest and classy.

Weeeee! Beer!

Wo ist die Toilette? Zu viel Bier!

Potato dumpling in gravy, aka Kartoffelkloesse

Rathaus - Munich

Approaching Oktoberfest...

Swings of death...

Polizei

Beer tent!

Pretzels for sale.

Paulaner Beer tent

Happy, drunk folks

Plenty of festive attire in this photo...

Not my cup of tea!

What's a beer tent without music?

We are thinking about going back next year maybe? Or 2013? I remember mentioning that we only planned to visit Oktoberfest once (as resident Germans laughed and scoffed at us...) but we sure miss it there and definitely miss the crazy shenanigans.

p.s. Thanks for the sweet and understanding comments on Friday's post. I've only had one freakout session since then. Oh the days are crawling. Hence the dreaming about a more innocent time in my life to maintain sanity on some level.

This Time Around

2011-09-30T16:38:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm pregnant. Again. I know, you aren't surprised and I'm sure you had your suspicions. And in case you're wondering, I am scared out of my ever loving mind. My body has now been pregnant 3 times in my nearly 29 years of life and all within about a 6-month timeslot. My body seems to handle the whole conception part pretty swimmingly; it's after that when all hell breaks loose. At least from my track record.

Third time, you ask? I only knew about Andrew. Well, yeah.

See, right around the 6-month mark of Andrew's birth, I was about 7 weeks pregnant with #2 after about three months of trying. It turned out, however, that #2 never developed past the implantation stage and was considered a blighted ovum. I was set to miscarry after ultrasound confirmation #2. And 12 hours later, my body kicked into high gear and expelled the sac and whatever residual "pregnancy matter" that existed. That was the medical term they used. I'm not even sure if I'd consider that a child since it never developed at all, but that's a debate for another time and place. I followed that with a D&C the next day to make sure my ute was all clean and tidy. It was ~~probably~~ totally unnecessary, but after two losses in 6 months, I just wanted to end the battle and press on. I didn't want to bleed for another month like I did after giving birth. I was defeated. Sad. Frustrated. The why-me game started all over again and I was in pretty rough shape. Four days after my miscarriage, I wrote this. Perhaps you can see the relapse in the words I wrote.

Even better, the same doctor who delivered Andrew (that I thought was cold-hearted and inconsiderate) had to be the one to "tell us" (though obviously we're not idiots) that I was about to miscarry. Her words: "Why do I always have to be the one to deliver you with bad news?" Really, I pitied her. She delivered my stillborn son and exited my life without muttering a condolence until the day she had to tell me I was losing my second pregnancy. I can assure you, seeing her face and hearing her voice again was far too soon. Losing my babies is the most devastating thing in my world and she treated it like the weather. There are words I can use to describe this doctor that I almost never think of when talking about another human being.

My favorite OB and the one who visited me in the hospital twice post-birth is the one I remain loyal to. While in the same practice as the witch doctor, she still came in and cried with me, offered her condolences, offered emotional support and guidance, and didn't waste any time talking about the future and gloating about all her fabulous resources and studies in the field of pregnancy post stillbirth. I just can't believe she shares an office with the woman who is so inconvenienced by having to deal with a couple experiencing the single worst thing of their lives. Make that twice. Because I wasn't "lucky" enough to experience just one loss. Some of you were probably doing the math and figuring out that I got pregnant pretty stinking fast after my miscarriage. That's because, despite what all the medical professionals advise (though mine didn't formally object), I didn't wait for a period. I waited for my hcg levels to drop below 5 and tested for ovulation. It was all methodical and planned. I didn't care if it would be harder for them to "date" the pregnancy. And I surely wasn't waiting around to give myself more time to mourn the loss of another baby. If I'm being ultra honest, I wish I hadn't waited the three months after Andrew's birth to try again either. I'll be an emotional basketcase about Andrew dying for the rest of my life. All I wanted was to get pregnant and I knew that waiting after the miscarriage would just cause me more anxiety. So I didn't. Three weeks later, I was knocked up for the third time. Ultrasound at 6ish weeks determined I was measuring 2 days ahead of my own predictions with a heartbeat. It also revealed a subchorionic hematoma. What are the Vegas odds on my pregnancy issues? Anyone? At the 8-week appt., the hematoma shrunk ever-so-slightly but was still there. But baby had a heartbeat. At my 12-week appt., the hematoma was gone and we still had a heartbeat along with fingers and toes. The little one was also measuring 4 days ahead of schedule. In addition, I also had five OB appointments and one with an MFM who I didn't really fancy all that much. Let's just say there is a plan in place having to do with extra checkups, more monitoring, more ultrasounds, and a swift delivery by induction when deemed safe. This girl isn't taking any chances and she sure isn't holding her breath.

Anyway, I'm 4 months. I waited this long to tell for so many reasons. These same reasons apply for why I decided not to announce my miscarriage formally on the blog.

I announced my pregnancy at 14.5 weeks on the blog with Andrew. I wasn't planning to share anytime before that.
I wanted this time to handle my first trimester post loss(es) as a family and as a couple. It's not top-secret information, per se, but it is information that I no longer would consider flippant to blurt out in conversation. It's too sacred.
I'm constantly surprised by the number of folks who read this blog. This was not started as a baby loss blog and my readers are from a variety of places. The majority of my readers are not baby loss moms. While many are still supportive and kind, there are a good number who are {likely} reading so they can put a happy ending to my story. A couple loses a child and gets pregnant again (and again). Yippee! The world is whole again. I can't wait to call her to ask what she's craving and when she wants to schedule a Babies r' Us date. Hooray for everything. Not-so-fast. I'm not fixed. I'm just as broken but I do know that having Andrew made us want children that much more. When you lose something you love so much, it makes you a fighter. At least that's what losing Andrew has made us. I refuse to accept this idea that I'm fixed. Let's not forget that my pregnancy with Andrew was textbook perfect until the end when it wasn't. So if you think I'll be comfortable at any moment to put my guard down and assume expecting = live baby in the end, I won't listen. I'll be as hopeful as I have to be, but I know reality comes in many shades. Not all of those shades are in happy colors. Anyway, all that babbling to say that if this blog were written solely with a BLM audience, I'd have announced immediately. It's not. I need to keep some of my life private ~~from everyone I've ever met and their mothers~~, otherwise I'd go insane. And if it weren't for the support of my BLM following, I wouldn't even announce it on the blog. I'd continue on with my journaling offline. But I need you ladies. You have gotten me through the last (nearly) 10 months and I need you now. This pregnancy post-loss business is no joke.
I don't want to be treated like pregnancy is some new thing for me. I've been there before. Recently. We all know that. I've experienced this all before and would prefer to be treated like I have some expertise in the matter. Most parents don't blog as much about their second/third... pregnancies as they did with their first. Usually they're juggling pregnancy with a toddler. Obviously that's not my situation, but it feels a bit like déjà vu if you ask me. While this pregnancy is proving to be different than my previous two, I'm still pregnant and very aware of what is going on within my body and to my body. I gladly surrender to the little grower.
I'm scared. Being the bearer of bad news on repeat occasions has to be the most depressing thing. I'm tired of being that poor couple and didn't want to give another reason for my blog to end up as water cooler discussion. Hey, did you hear that the couple who lost their baby in December is pregnant again? Cringe. Most of what is written here is strictly for my own therapy, my family to be updated, and for friends to understand the life of a bereaved mom. And it's helped me connect with an incredible group of moms who will also live their entire lives mourning the loss of their babies. It's a heavy reality but I'm so thankful for this group of ladies.

Also, I apologize if this post sounds defensive-- because I truly am thankful for another chance. I just really don't know how to handle pregnancy under a microscope. When I wrote about my pregnancy with Andrew, I only had about 30 regular readers and I didn't know what it was like to feel the failure of losing a child yet. I'm sure many people I know have been watching every last blog post I write lately just looking for a belly photo or hint that I might be expecting since it has been nearly 10 months. She should be pregnant by now after all... since she has hinted that they've been trying. I won't be posting belly pictures or doing weekly updates like I did with Andrew. I am keeping a side journal of daily feelings/symptoms, but that won't be going public. Reading back on Andrew's pregnancy posts make me both sad and thankful. I am happy that I wrote them out so I'd have a documentation of such a wonderful time in our lives and the growth of our little boy. But this time around is filled with doubt and trepidation... something I'm not dealing with lightly. I'll share information here or there, but don't expect this to be a repeated edition of pregnancy #1. It's not. I acknowledge and firmly believe all life should be celebrated. And I celebrate this one. But it's like celebrating next to the emergency exit. In case something goes awry, I need to find a way to deal. No pregnancy tickers or cute little bouncing babies. For your sake and mine. I'm not interested in the triggers and I'm sure my ttc friends aren't either. I'll mostly blog about my anxieties and such dealing with pregnancy after loss. But in true form, I will also be blogging about what I do best-- missing my son, and all the vacations and fun things we do as a married couple, because that is the reason I started this blog. Because even though I'm still waiting to hold a live baby in my arms, I'm still living and married to a pretty fantastic guy that I will celebrate. This baby is also part of our story. It is good news and I'm just trying to wrap my head around how to react in the midst of it all.

Here's to hoping Andrew will be a "big" brother at some point in 2012.

Fall Schmall.

2011-09-24T13:56:00.001-05:00

Fall is here my friends. I used to adore this season. Pumpkin smells, fun traditions, hot cider, cinnamon, apple pies, apple picking, light sweaters, new TV shows... who doesn't love fall?

Take that, pumpkin spice lattes!

I'm dreading the seasons changing this year. I couldn't wait to get out of winter last year. It seemed to last longer than normal-- perhaps because it was our first Chicago winter or because it was the season my son died. There's no surprise that I wanted it to pass immediately. I find myself already wanting to decline (unsent, but expected) evites about visiting the pumpkin patches/farms like we did last year. I can't. My son should/would/could be sitting up on a stupid pumpkin and I should be trying my damndest to convince him that "mommy" was where he should be looking for a good shot through my fancy DSLR ~~that has sat in the closet unused since we purchased it in November~~. I can't decline these invites forever, but I hope that next year I'll be visiting with kid in tow. I don't have a whole lot of control over those dreams, though.

I'm wondering what to do about Halloween. I had my baby shower on Halloween last year and arrived home mid-afternoon to a bunch of children lined up at our door for candy! I gladly handed out the chocolates and rubbed my enormous belly as I met neighbors and pridefully acknowledged that we were expecting our son in December. I had assumed we'd have a little squirrel or something all dressed up this year sitting in our foyer as I handed out candy to neighborhood children. Luckily I hadn't picked out an outfit in my mind yet. What now? Do I buy the candy and leave a bowl on the porch ~~and allow those questionably too old teenagers steal it all~~? Just subject my wonderful husband to the madness? Go out for an early dinner so we're not home at all? Making plans to avoid other plans/events can be really exhausting.

I already addressed my boycott for the rest of the holidays this year. How the heck will I avoid the music? THE MUSIC. I can barely go there in my mind and yet, in about one month, we'll be seeing garland and twinkling lights strewn all over the stores. I might have to close our blinds for the entire months of November-February. Our neighbors left their lights and wreaths on their house until MARCH this year. Perhaps a friendly PSA will be helpful to remind them of their negligence.

Fall TV hasn't let me down yet, but I'm definitely dropping the X-Factor from the list. We're also enjoying some college football and watching the Bears games. We've lived here 1.5 years. It's time we start paying attention to their beloved Bears. We've managed to watch the first two of the season and will have to indulge in the Packers v. Bears game tomorrow. Also, since the husband is a USAFA grad, we're going to be driving to South Bend for a Notre Dame v. Air Force game in two weeks! I can guarantee we'll be dressed in Air Force paraphernalia and be the absolute minorities in that stadium.

And since we'll be in South Bend, I may or may not be requiring that we eat at one of my favorite fast food joints from LA for both lunch and dinner. Oh, and I might bring some home to eat later as well. Sometimes it's a wonder my husband doesn't realize how lucky he is to be married to a cheapskate like me. Hahah. There are no Del Tacos in Illinois. Or Baja Fresh. Or Fatburger. At one point they all existed here but were booted by the locals. Boo.

I also found a new love on our Whole Foods trip this morning. New record: 7 items for $23.55! I know, be impressed. I guess I'll also have to confess that I bought the Living Social deal $10 for $20 worth to spend. When you make Whole Foods half price, it all of a sudden becomes normal. Otherwise, it breaks the bank. I'm not a huge soft cheese fan, but do love Brie, mozzarella, and chihuahua cheeses. I thought this was delicious! Very exciting, new find! I know it's not new, but new to me!

Back to college football and the to-do list. I'm airing out the house, cleaning all the bedding, mending some loose buttons, and attempting to clean. I've been sick the last week and totally unmotivated. I finally have some energy back and will be putting that to good use. Then, date night with the husband. Totally overdue. Also, I have to mention something awesome. I love Born shoes, but the last two pair of loafers I purchased cracked at the sole in the same spot! Since it was defective and I really hate my $100 shoes breaking on me unexpectedly, I wrote the company an email about the manufacturing issue since it's happened twice to the same style of shoes. They asked me to send them the defective shoes and they'd replace them with a new pair of my choice for free! Well, the cost of shipping the old pair back to them... so around $10. It appears they no longer carry loafers, so I had to choose more Mary Jane-style shoes so I can wear them to work with respectable khakis, etc. I had to provide them with 3 options, so I did... I threw in the $200 pair of boots at the end just in case they happen to be out of the other two, knowing full well that they won't be. A girl can dream.

Safe, trusty, rubber sole.

Ray commented how these are a bit granola. Um, yeah. Who do you think you married, buddy? ;)

Okay, let the fall cleaning resume!

If...

2011-09-21T18:16:00.000-05:00

I saw this on another blog recently and thought I'd participate.

If I were to get pregnant again, I'd be super thankful and totally scared out of my ever loving mind.
If I could have any job in the world, I would be a technology training specialist for teachers. I'd ideally model lessons part-time in classrooms and spend the rest of my time training teachers on how to integrate technology into teaching.
If I had a day to myself, I'd do whatever I want because that's what I always do. Don't be jealous. It's the pits. And NO, I will never regret writing that. Mark. my. words.
If I could get married all over again, I wouldn't change a thing.
If I could live anywhere in the U.S., I'd live in the Pacific Northwest. There are gorgeous mountains, beautiful coasts, and so many more vegetarians! Also, there's Tillamook.
If I were to have more children, I would have no problem naming them. We've already chosen those!
If I could have any talent in the world, I would like to speak another language fluently (and easily).
If you met me in real life (as many of you have), you'd probably think I make a lot of facial expressions. At least that's what my family tells me!
If I went back to school, I'd choose an Ed.D in Education Policy & Leadership or Ed. Tech.
If money were not an object, I'd drive an Audi Allroad, shop exclusively at Whole Foods, vacation in Europe at least once a year, and eat out a lot more.
If I could meet one celebrity, I'd like to meet no one. I really don't care to meet any celebrities. There are a few dead people I would be interested in meeting, but that's about all.
If I could shop at only one store for the rest of my life, I'd choose Nordstrom for clothes and Whole Foods for... well... food.
If I could choose an animal/pet, I wouldn't. I just can't deal with the cleanup.
If I could go on a trip right now, I'd go to Hawaii and hike a bunch between frosty drinks on the beach and fresh ahi poke.
If I had to choose between a house cleaner and personal chef, I'd choose a house cleaner-- only because I'd find it weird having someone in my house cooking while I'm home. But if they just dropped off the food (I'm seriously antisocial, huh?), I'd consider the chef. I sort of like cooking, but I sort of like cleaning, too.
If I had the option to get plastic surgery, I'd choose only cosmetic lasering and microdermabrasion. I'm not a fan of voluntary cutting and slicing unless absolutely necessary. I'm married. He loves me. He'll get old. I'll get old. Our bodies will change. Such is life.

Fall TV Lineup!

2011-09-19T14:49:00.001-05:00

Two posts in one day? What? I know, I know. I'm actually home with the flu/cold. I was running a mild fever yesterday and just assumed that this massive headache and overall dreary feeling meant I should just take a day off from the little germies.

With that said, I'm bored as heck. I have plenty of things to read and all that, but I'd prefer to get excited about this week's premiere shows! While I hate that the weather is turning more dreary (meaning December is just around the corner), I do love these shows!

Tonight we have "Charlie"-- that's what we call it in our house, but the Charlie character is no longer! So now it's just Charlie without Charlie.

Then there's The Big Bang Theory premiering on Thursday that we're big fans of...

Sunday will mean the beginning of a long-time favorite...

There are also a few newbies I am intrigued by...

Then there's a few I won't be a regular watcher of, but that I would likely let chill in the background while I'm ~~putting a frozen pizza into the oven~~ making dinner.

And one I will definitely turn off if it finds its way to my TV screen...

And honorable mention going to this show that I think will be canceled immediately. But I think she's pretty darn funny:

Watching anything fun this fall to take your mind off of things, my friends?

The Well is Dry

2011-09-19T10:41:00.000-05:00

Confession: I don't cry when I read extremely sad stories about baby loss.

I haven't cried for a really long time. Part of me is totally jaded by the reality that babies die and are still dying. I recently came up on a few newbie blogs to the baby loss world. It totally made my stomach churn as I felt the anxiety of earlier days. I read blogs from fellow moms about their struggles or explaining the story etched in their memory of when they lost their babies and yet, I don't shed a tear. For this reason, I've stopped reading Faces of Loss posts because I can no longer handle the sadness properly. I feel like I should be crying. When did babies dying become acceptable to me in such a way that I don't show physical emotion? It's not that I don't welcome these women into my arms with my entire heart, but because I felt it was causing me to become numb and void of sorrow. I felt sorrowful while reading their sad stories, but I was easily able to click away, because to me, that reality is normal. It's everyday. It's something I also live with.

I cry when talking about Andrew and especially when talking about him with people who haven't been down this road. But when talking with friends who are also mourning the loss of their babies, I don't cry. I am free to use sarcasm and dark humor and ask them dark questions about specific details pertaining to the deaths of their children. In some universe, we almost pretend like they're alive by talking about them. We keep their memories alive this way and it doesn't feel sad or upsetting to us.

I think back to January when I returned to work and two women approached me with their stories of stillbirth. They told me their detailed stories and shed no tears. They weren't even really interested in hugging me. They weren't uncomfortable and they weren't afraid to ask questions.

I've never been much of a crier in general. Baby loss definitely changed that. In some ways, though, my well has run dry. At least for this leg of the journey. Maybe this is part of the process of grief-- that I'm not sure. Emotion still fills my blood and soul, but the tears aren't fighting to escape nearly as easily.

Childbirth Was Easier Than This

2011-09-16T16:28:00.002-05:00

I just finished watching Bachelor Pad. Yes, I know. It's trashy television and I might have lost brain cells. Whatevs. Y'all, I need this getaway from my real life sometimes. In the last episode, one of the competitors was talking about how scared she was to walk against a vertical wall while suspended on cables. Her quote was, "This is the scariest thing I've ever done. Childbirth was easier than this."

And then the BLM in me busts out.

Childbirth is not hard. Relative to other life experiences like losing a child and actually having to physically birth your child within hours of finding out they would never, ever be going home with you and instead is currently turning progressively more purple inside of you-- now that's hard. I remember my own mother and my MIL telling me that you forget the pain of childbirth because of how rich in love the experience is. Bringing a child into the world erases all the pain you endure. I'd like to say I understand that reality. I don't. Pain is, in many ways, mental. My dad always told me this as a child when he'd dare me to pinch him as hard as possible (or maybe I was daring myself and he didn't really want it? Hah) and that it didn't hurt because he didn't allow it to hurt. He was near bleeding at times when I'd dig my little, grimy nails into his palm so I'd somehow end victorious in causing him pain. {What a jerk! Bah.} Some of my fellow BLM friends birthed their still babies without medication. I did not choose that route, although I was just a couple hours from pushing and already 4cm dilated when I received medication. I felt the pain. It wasn't pretty, but I'd handle that pain without a thought if. Some of my friends commented on how they wanted to feel the physical pain, as they were already in the most emotional turmoil they'd ever experienced. What does it matter, anyway?

What it all boils down to is that emotional pain outweighs physical pain. I'm sure some of my readers will disagree with this sentiment, but I can say that for me, contractions were practically painless when compared to the emotional heartbreak and endless duration of this earth-shattering reality.

Childbirth is difficult. Roofing a house, difficult. Trying to find that single sock lost on laundry day, difficult.

But birthing a child who isn't alive is impossible. It's not just difficult. I hope to God it doesn't strip away the magic of childbirth for any of our future children, but it will probably be a difficult second go around from what I can imagine right this moment.

Renel posted today about this green sign and how we're achieving the impossible. Not in a summit Mt. Everest kind of way, but a get out of bed each day and choose life kind of way.

We can't do this. But we have no choice but to do it anyway. Difficult doesn't even begin to explain it.

Around the Watercooler

2011-09-13T17:41:00.002-05:00

My job is becoming less boring. Or more productive. Basically, the principal has decided I should have more on my plate (Can I get an amen? You mean, this chick is qualified and stuff?). As usual around the ol' elementary school, I overhear conversations that strike me in one way or another that would've never even caused me to bat an eye pre-doomsday.

1. Another teacher's mom just died suddenly last Friday. At 51, they just assumed she had the flu. Her two daughters found her dead on the couch that morning. It's completely tragic. As soon as I heard the news, I felt such empathy for her and just knew that I'd give her a big hug when I saw her next. As I sat in the teacher's lounge, I listened to a few teachers question aloud what they were going to do when she returned. "How will we act around her?" they asked one another. I couldn't help but think that they must have had similar conversations about my return after losing Andrew. People want to be so deliberate of how to act, but they just don't know how in such cases. Losing Andrew did make me more aware of others and their heartbreak. I didn't once question how I would act around her, as I don't see her as an outcast. I see her as part of my posse-- bereaved, heartbroken, and pitied by others. I didn't find the comment insensitive, but more startling. They don't understand, but they want to. They care enough to want to and that is wonderful.

2. The beautiful, talented, sweet, and very pregnant art teacher finished up her job on Friday and gave birth Saturday to her little boy. Alive. DUH. And then another comment that I also found startling. "I can't believe she worked until the day before she gave birth! I could never do that!" Andrew was born on a Sunday, but I worked that Friday and only contemplated stopping because people kept voicing their surprise that I wasn't home preparing or something. Sure glad I didn't prepare too much. I would've worked that Saturday if schools were in session. I felt great and was active. But in that moment, when she voiced her opinion about the art teacher being some mother-extraordinaire, I felt forgotten. I knew that it would be too awkward to chime in with, "That was me just 9 months ago! I gave birth just 48 hours after last working, too!" Hah. Not allowed, Brandy. You have a dead baby so nobody wants to hear about your sad birthing story because they'll just make too many assumptions or disregard your participation or place on the mothership.

3. Again, setting takes place in the teacher's lounge. The woman I am long-term subbing in the place of is on leave because she's 12 weeks pregnant and uncontrollably vomiting to the point of hospitalization. Her other teacher friend is also pregnant at 14 weeks. Said pregnant chick pulled up photos of M's baby and then pulled up photos of her own baby by way of ultrasound photos. Dude, this was good times for me. I shamefully put my head down and wouldn't allow the phone to be passed to me as they all discussed awesome new technology that allows you to see so much-- as other teachers pointed out were not available to them 30 years ago. Yep, and that awesome technology was unable to detect a thing to save my child. Super-D-duper.

I'm not having a terrible time (despite boredom), but I am just sharing some of the stories that burned their way into my brain matter the last few days. Among other things, we've had a nice week over here at the Wilson residence. Ray's work picnic was on Saturday and it was fantastic. I appreciated meeting some people I hadn't met before and all of the families that make up his company. Sunday was a day with friends. I had a lovely lunch with 4 of my girlfriends and a friend of mine from LA (turned New Yorker) came to visit. In this time, we managed to squeeze in a couple hours for dessert and finally met her husband of 1.5 years! I'm looking forward to resting tonight...

I signed up to bring some items to school on Friday. I found incredible produce deals and plan to make the following: Asian Slaw, Black Bean Quinoa Salad, Broccoli Salad with vinaigrette (basically broccoli marinated in vinaigrette), a couple dips, some crackers, hummus, and some zucchini, carrot, and bell pepper strips for dipping. My teacher friend will be making dessert items. Better recipes for any of the following are welcome in the comments. ;)

Never Forgotten

2011-09-10T21:50:00.000-05:00

I took a (stealth) trip to Los Angeles to visit my parents this week. On my Virgin America flight, I watched a Tom Brokaw {I <3 him} special on the 9/11 tragedy. It's not out of the ordinary for this time of year considering tomorrow being the 10th anniversary of such devastation.

Although I lived on the opposite coast, I will never, ever forget where I was that day when I found out. I remember something before leaving the house for class about the World Trade Center and planes, but little did I know the devastation this meant or the act of hatred that caused such attacks. It just seemed impossible. I was in college and walking to my morning class when I found out that they were canceled and we were to go home. I spent hours in the student parking lot that day just trying to connect with my mom on the phone and discuss the enormous loss that had occurred that morning.

Last night, as I sat on that airplane back home to Chicago, I was just crying as I watched these stories again. And in the wake of losing my own son to devastation and abrupt loss, I felt a tinge of understanding for those families who lost loved ones that day. Never would I have expected to ever understand even a portion of their sadness and now, 10 years later, I do. When I attempt to go to that place of self-pity and why me, I think of them. Why them? Why thousands of people? Why did their families have to suffer such enormous loss and destruction for no reason? Sometimes there just aren't answers. Sometimes bad things happen and life just sucks. Explanations wouldn't matter in cases of death, anyway, because the damage is irreparable.

We just simply have to remember. At the very least, they deserve the honor.

A Not Always Beautiful Mess

2011-09-05T10:00:00.001-05:00

Now 9 months gone from our arms, we're still left with his beautiful mess. I like to think of it that way; the hell being still so beautiful because of the love we have for Andrew.

But let's get real for a hot second here, mmkay?

In these 9 months, the following has occurred:

I've collectively used more Kleenex wiping up snot and buckets of tears than I have in my entire life up until December 2010.
I've definitely used more curse words to describe my superlative of sadness and grief and struggle with the hardships of ttc.
I've dropped out on lots of friendships (at least for now) because I'm a completely selfish person who can't think past her own grief to ask how the heck someone else is doing in their life.
I've spent days and days watching more TV than I've watched ever.
I've questioned God, his existence, his love for us and all things I've ever believed in before tragedy struck.
I've been unmotivated and drab.
I've all but given up on my appearance most days-- taking great effort to look presentable.
I've offended family members and probably friends with my rage and lunacy
I've avoided phonecalls and door knocks.
I've lost most of my carefree personality and have definitely transformed into a downer who can't even smile when looking at the innocence of a baby-- because instead I'm oozing with jealousy.

Thank God I'm married to my soulmate because I'm a pretty attractive beast these days and would be hard-pressed to find someone who was attracted to such ugly qualities.

So it's not all pretty over here. It's beautiful that our son has spurred so much love inside of us that's passionate and fierce, but I was kind of hoping that passion and ferocity would be used to say, potty train him or something. Turns out all milestones are a wash and our sadness lives on through the ebbs and flows that it is. It's a brutal beast that gets the best of us. But it's out of love. How love can translate through all of this madness and ugliness is beyond my comprehension.

Loving our little boy just as much today as we ever did. Nine months little man. Can't even believe it. And I really don't want to.

What Makes a Family

2011-09-04T10:54:00.002-05:00

I'd like to think that we're already a family. Before Andrew. Before losing him. I'd like to think that Ray and I were a family of two.

Our church is starting this series on Family Ties next week. They have a photo booth set up to photograph congregation members and regular attendees (that's us) to display in one of their excellently-crafted videos (no really, they have talent and all the Apple equipment necessary) what makes a family. The whole premise is that families come in all shapes, sizes, and formations.

But like all things related to stillbirth, I'm sure it'd make everyone uncomfortable if we sat down on that bench and held up that heart-shaped urn holding {most of} the remains of our son. What about the rest of him that sits in a container within a box typed in Courier font with his precious name picked so perfectly for our firstborn? He's a family member and will always be remembered as such. I never thought the idea of a family photo would be so numbing and painful.

When asked by a friend if we were going to have our "family" photo taken this morning, I replied with a stern, "Not a chance." He then responded with, "Not even for a church thing? I'm making the video this week and we could use your photo." I'm pretty sure they won't be missing one solitary photo in the pile. I told Ray on the drive home and he commented sarcastically and appropriately, "Sure, let's just go home and get the rest of our family." Not so simple, is it?

Most of me understands this concept. Families are made in many ways. Some are adopted families and not of blood. Some are single-parent homes. Some are same-sex partnerships. Some are inclusive of grandparents, parents, and grandchildren. Whatever it may be, there are many variations of the same. It all boils down to a group of people who have chosen one another to love and care for. It's not very complex.

Or is it? Because I can tell you right now that bringing my deceased child and displaying him in our photo would represent a very bleak and uncomfortable image of family. I'm pretty sure our Lutheran church would much easier accept a same-sex partnership (with kids!) over the image of our reality. I'm also sure no one would stop me from this photo opportunity, but it would be unlikely that we'd make the first half of the video, as to not upset people or make anyone else uncomfortable. Part of me wants to have a b-roll over my photo (which will never be taken) of me saying in my best Jack Nicholson voice, "You Can't Handle the TRUTH!"

What does the future of our family look like? Are families only comprised of those with children? Will I feel a void in every single photo we ever take as a "family" together? Will I put Andrew in my pocket for a photo-opp? My lap? Hold up an ultrasound photo or even more uncomfortable, a photo of my deceased son in my arms?

I can tell you this. I will always, always think of how wrong it is that our entire family could not "make it" in the photo. That we will never be completely whole. At the very least, I did walk away feeling okay this morning. It was baptism Sunday but we decided to go to the early service (which we never do) because we were awake and ready. It turns out our service had no baptisms but all of the other services did. Thankfully so, otherwise I'd probably have to awkwardly slip out the back of the auditorium because I can't handle it. Small victory I guess. Shameful that I even give out a sigh of relief because I was "lucky" enough to avoid seeing babies and their happy parents. Their families. Their complete (maybe?) families. I'll never be too quick to assume that all families, even with small children, are ever complete because we all do have our struggles. Who would have ever thought that I'd be here. I sure didn't.

Mind Vomit

2011-09-02T19:40:00.001-05:00

I'm being lame. Like most bloggers around, I've been in a blogging rut-- that, and I've been working every day and it's really not something I've been used to since late May. So I'm tired. By the time I get home, I have no desire to make dinner, grocery shop, or blog. I'm reading most, but even my reader has more saved than read each day.

I miss my son. So much. Unspeakable amounts.

I'm working and attempting to make money that will hopefully be used to take us on vacations... like the trip we planned to D.C. in October and our escape from the frickin' holidays trip to South Padre Island, TX conveniently over Christmas. Waterfront. Seventy degrees. Pool. Relaxation. I can't wait. Texas is on the list of states I've never visited and I'm excited to spend time in the warm weather during Chicago's coldest time of year. Can anyone help me figure out how to cancel the entire months of November-January please? Because they're coming and I'm so not ready. I may be lucky enough to meet my good blogger friend Brooke around Thanksgiving as we both attempt to pass the holidays like they aren't even happening around us. The -er months have started, folks. Holy. Holy. Crap. I'm not ready.

Kind of freaks me out to think we're 3/4 of a year back around the circle to the worst day of my life. I've been thinking about how to celebrate Andrew's life, but parties aren't really my thing. Well, for my live 1-year old they'd probably be, but I'd still be subdued since early ages need nothing more than a cake face celebration. But celebrating the life of a now dead child. My child? We'll probably go out to dinner and eat dessert. Because it's a birthday and we're celebrating. It's what we do for our own birthdays, so why not Andrew's? I guess it's not so toddler-like, but my baby is practically a teenager in my mind now since I've never experienced a day as his mama. He's living in heaven and probably so wise. And he'd probably choose crab cakes over corndogs just like his mama. So we celebrate in style.

My mind is a million places. And most of those thoughts are on repeat. I miss him. I love him. I want him here.

Right-Wing Ranting

2011-08-26T20:08:00.001-05:00

I sit on the couch right now exhausted.

I've been back working full time for two days now. That's it. And I'm spent. But let me first explain that I agreed to a job that has so far yielded me doing absolutely nothing of value in two days. Ah, government waste. As a taxpayer, it drives me mad!

Yesterday was student orientation at the elementary school. When I was teaching in Cali, teachers were responsible for all the paperwork-- health info, lunch money, girl/boy scouts, etc. Not only that, but I taught a regular class size of 32 students! I checked off which student brought what signed paper back and hounded them until they brought back the emergency cards. This school has a system where students and their parents come in to "orientation" where they fill out bus paperwork, health forms, sign up for stuff, and get their class assignments. Then, they visit the classroom and meet their teacher and see their new desk-- the week before school starts. It's a great idea. And filled with an entire day of paying every single teacher and support staff person that works at the school site. I see it both ways-- I love it for students and find it incredibly wasteful of taxpayer dollars on the other end! There is so much value in students preparing themselves for the year and having family involved from minute one. However, yesterday I spent the entire day standing and pointing when parents walked into the school doors. That's it.

Yesterday was tough-- despite me just standing and pointing the whole day. It was tough on my feet. But it was also tough on my heart. Usually I'm pretty comfortable in schools even though children surround me all. day. long. They aren't my kids and I see them as students and less as family members. Yesterday, I saw them as family units. And of course I saw their little brother or sister in the stroller or cute little toe-heads running wild that struck me so similar to what I'd have in Andrew. That was brutal. I was not pre-occupied with paperwork or anything but standing there, pointing, and smiling. So I had a lot of time to think about what I was missing out on and how much I long for that family that I'm working so freaking hard to achieve. I also had a nice, long conversation with like one student. His parents came to the side just to chat with me because I seemed like I needed company or something. And their son's name, Andrew. And he's super white with reddish-blond hair and super smart. Yep, pretty much what I'd expect from my own Andrew if I had the chance to experience that. He's quite the chatterbox, too, and I would have talked to him all day long.

Today was much of the same. I came in because I'm on contract and it was required. There was a meeting all day I was not required to attend. Instead, I had nothing. to. do. again. Finally, I was able to convince a teacher to leave the meeting to give me some busywork so the day would go by faster. What school doesn't have a zillion things piled up in each classroom to prepare the Friday before school starts? I remember it all too well and knew I'd be able to find something to help another teacher out with. I printed, cut, and created magnets of student faces for most of the day. Then I had lunch. Then I worked for another 45 minutes, found another classroom to work in for a bit, and hung out with another girl who was equally bored and counting the minutes until we could leave.

I'm not so much complaining about the boredom as I am complaining about the waste. I just felt useless! I know that once the school year starts, I'll manage to find my way into a busy space. I'll be present and helpful to assure that these kids learn. But oh, government waste.

And let's not forget about the family units that made my ovaries ache ever since Thursday. Goodness gracious.

I drove behind this vehicle on Thursday after the family day at school:

Those friggin' family stickers. Ugh.

Leave Your Grief at the Door and Party

2011-08-23T10:21:00.000-05:00

Last night we skipped out on the ever-so-raunchy Bachelor Pad and were daring. We went to a party where we knew absolutely no one. Despite being in a mood all day of sadness and self pity, I still showered, dressed in my best attempt at rock 'n' roll gear {a ruffly black blouse and holey jeans} and applied makeup. I'd almost forgotten how to use that mascara stuff. Better get back on the wagon because I start subbing on Thursday and I'd prefer the rest of society not see me looking like hell. Ray arrived home and changed into his best attempt at rock gear as well; an old Von Dutch shirt that looks country and some Rock & Republic jeans that fashionable SIL made him buy while single and still playing the ladies. It had rock in the name, right?

This wasn't our first party full of people we don't know. I write online reviews for a website I adore. Because I am so loyal, I'm considered an elite member and get invited to parties about once a month. Rarely do we attend, but it's an excuse to get out, try new things, eat free dinner, and also provides free publicity for the restaurants and bars we visit. Being relatively new to an area, it's a nice way to pull us into places we aren't as familiar with. We also attended one last summer at a Spanish tapas restaurant that we love. I was pregnant and had no reason to doubt mankind or the art of pregnancy. I was blissful and oblivious and, well, living the dream.

Over 8 months later and I dusted off those party shoes once again. I left my grief at the door like a checked coat to be picked up on our way out. Our main goal was free food and locally brewed beer and then we'd scoot. But you know, even after we were done eating pepper and goat cheese empanadas (p.s. I hate goat cheese-- tastes like feet smells), veggie tacos, roast beef sandwiches, BBQ pork, marinara chicken, salad and gobs of wedding food-style veggies and salamis, we stuck around. There were two bands playing and we actually sat down at a table with two complete strangers (who apparently boycotted the rock 'n' roll theme) and actually talked to them for a few minutes before listening to both bands perform. And in that moment, I didn't think about dead babies or the unfortunate circumstances of loss. I was just thinking about being with my husband, trying to get my hands on all the free vegetarian food I could, and listening to some fun music. It felt a bit like home in that historic railroad roundhouse-- mostly because the California beach cities where I'm from are carefree and left-wing. People dress crazily, tattoo parts of their body that just shouldn't be inked, and lose count on the number of piercings visible to strangers. This place was full of crazies like that and I loved it all. Because let's be honest... the suburbs of Chicago don't exactly burst with creativity or the disregard of society norms. People b-l-e-n-d. And the guy about 10 years past his prime dressed in an old Bad Religion t-shirt creating his own mosh-pit of just himself made the night that much more enjoyable.

On our way home, we left our grief in the back seat. I rolled down the windows, opened the sunroof, turned up the volume, and sang loudly. I miss that life about as much as I miss my son. Grief is so much more than losing someone you love. It's losing you and having a really hard time navigating back to whatever it is that sounded normal before. But no, I still miss him more.

Now I'm holed back up on my couch during this rainy Tuesday just trying to piece together the rest of my syllabus and rubrics for my upcoming course. That, and of course I'll need to catch up on the latest trash TV that I missed last night and eat my weight in chocolate.

It felt good to pretend, at least just for a little.