Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Boeing 737

{I realize that I should be posting positive things from our cruise. Next post. I promise.}

How is it conceivably possible that on an oversold Southwest flight of 149 total passengers and not an empty seat on the entire plane, that I manage to find the only pregnant person on board to sit near? There was essentially a 2 in 148th of a chance I'd sit next to the only visibly pregnant woman on board.

But you see, what's awful about Southwest is that you walk down the rows to people who place their personal belongings in the middle {worst} seat so that they might get lucky and no one would sit next to them. We were among the last seated because we did not check in early like the rest of the passengers. Well, after walking past about 5 of these situations and lots of fat men pouring over into the seats next to them, I chose the window seat with a couple that looked pretty respectable to sit next to. We never touched arms throughout the entire 3 hour flight. It was a beautiful thing. All was well...

Until... we all took out our books. I'm reading House Rules by Jodi Picoult {loving it... my sister-in-law gave it to me. It's my first JP book!}, the man takes out some random book about being an Omnivore, and she takes out... What to Expect When You're Expecting. Great. It's a pregnant chick. And then I look over and see the visible belly. I'd track her at about 16-20 weeks. Sure enough, she opens the book to "Month Four" and begins reading. She stops in 5 minute intervals to tell her husband something she's learning about this child she's growing. Gosh, I remember that excitement. I remember reading the "expecting" book. And that's just it. One of my fellow BLM blogger friends wrote it like this. You say, "I'm expecting" because you fully "expect" to have a baby after those 40 weeks are up. You expect that all will be well. You expect it to turn out well. Funny how we use terms like that but never think them through. Well, until you're in my shoes and you think everything through.

A fire was burning inside of my body at this time. I wanted to cry, scream, run. I had a few tears and then I resolved to wait until I got off the plane. Three hours of complete torture.

As we were arriving, she plops the book, face-up on her husband's lap and proceeds to tie her shoes. "It's getting really hard to do this now that we're reaching month 5!"

Gut punch.

Then, we walked off the plane and down the terminal and tears were streaming. Welcome back to Chicago... the land of the dark and dreary. The land of winter and my re-occuring nightmare and sadness.

I guess it's fitting that my flight back "home" would be somber. After all, vacation's over. Back to reality.

Is it just me, or is Old Man Winter particularly cruel this year?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

YMCA Encounters

{Sorry about the facebook rant, but it's just really hard to feel so isolated. The irony is that I have over 200 "friends" on that social networking site and I can count on one hand how many really understand the pain of losing a child. Or at least that is about how many have reached out with empathy. There may be hidden mourners out there...}

On to the reason for this post...
I just got back home from Zumba. There's a story involved...

As I was waiting for the instructor to set up the music, I saw a woman struggling to get her (about 3-year-old) son to put his jacket on. He was rolling around on the floor and wouldn't budge. He didn't want to leave the gym and she wasn't able to move him herself because she was holding a baby-- perhaps 6 months old. I walked over and offered to help with putting her son's coat on out of instinct.

But then... then... the stranger asked if I could just hold her (baby) daughter while she worked on getting her little boy to cooperate.

Without thinking, I grabbed the little girl and held her in my arms while the mother put on the boy's coat (unsuccessfully) and grabbed her daughter's coat. I put the beautiful white coat on her little body as she stared, wide-eyed and completely at peace into my eyes.

It felt so natural. I crave. I crave.

Dear Facebook

When I hide the posts about newborn babies, people who post incessant belly pictures and pictures of their newborns, do what I ask, okay?

I heard a news story this week that you cause depression by displaying all of the things we don't have that others seem to have plenty of (i.e. great jobs, significant others, houses, babies) making us ultra aware of these deficiencies in our own lives. Yep. I agree with the study. How depressing that everyone else seems to have healthy babies with few complications. I should really quit your stupid site but part of me doesn't feel like I should have to lose out on one more thing in my life. Ugh.

p.s. I hate you.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Image of 3

I was just writing an email to a fellow BLM and thought about something that I still have a hard time with. Actually it's a wonderful thought, but one that makes me sad knowing we'll never experience that again with our little guy.

When they handed Andrew to me in the hospital, I could not believe that I was physically holding my child. While I "carried" him and was holding him for the previous 9.5 months inside of me, I had not held him in my arms. It's a much different feeling. My baby had weight, mass, volume, everything. He existed and it felt so surreal to be holding something that was both my husband and I in my hands.

He was so light to me, though a normal newborn size of 7lb.6oz. at that stage of gestation (being 9 days early). I dreamt of holding him in my arms for so long. That image is so vivid and so surreal.

For those who commented, I did email someone from NILMDTS about Andrew's photos. I guess I'd just love to see photos of my precious gift again. That single moment of us being together as a family of 3 will never leave my mind (or heart). People who work for that organization are saints. They are such brave and selfless souls to walk into a hospital room, meet with bereaved parents (at times we feel like we have a plague or something because of our new badge of sadness), and photograph deceased babies. It's not exactly an uplifting and happy experience and it's one that is sure to bring sadness to all those around. But as parents to these babies, we are forever grateful for their love and gift of photography. Pictures and memories are truly all we'll have to remember these children we love so much. Our photographer came at 1 a.m. and photographed our baby for free. He donated his time and resources to people he'd never met and will never see again. I am humbled by that blessing.

Missing you today my little love.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Things I'm Lovin' Lately

In no particular order, these are some things that have been making me smile lately:

1. Tillamook Cheddar Baby Loaf. The Wilsons love cheese and we're sort of snobs about it. We like the good stuff. Baby loaf is such a treat and we've got one in the fridge right now. My absolute favorite is the Tillamook Reserve Extra Sharp Cheddar-- it's pretty exclusive and comes in black packaging.
2. Working out with my girlfriends. I love to sweat and I love great music! Tonight five of us girls met together at the Y for our 3rd (well, my 3rd) Zumba session! This instructor was all about the legs. Feel the burn!
3. My new Gap workout shirts. My friend Alli is basically obsessed with Gap. There isn't a week that goes by she isn't telling me about the latest deal she scored there. When Groupon had that amazing $25 for $50 at Gap deal, I scored so many great things from clearance. One was an awesome workout shirt from Gap Fit and I bought another one of a different style a few days ago. I paid $5 for one, and $8 for the other-- gotta catch Gap deals + coupon it up! Check out their whole line of Gap Fit here. I really think they're giving Lululemon a run for their money-- not to mention they are at least 50% cheaper on every item!

4. Target clearance. I bought a few pieces of clothing today for super cheap. We're talking a $4 super cute black ruffle shirt, a $3 turtleneck, and even a navy blue short peacoat for just under $13!

5. Middle schoolers. Those crazy, awkward kids make me smile. They are crazy and can be obnoxious, but they're so personable. I like them a whole lot better than those booger-picking 1st graders who tattle {realized I've never typed that word before} on one another all. day. long.

6. Trader Joes bananas. I need me some fruit. They sell their bananas for $.19 each. So that means I buy the largest, most ridiculous bananas I can find. During a cold winter, fruit is a necessity to get me through it. While I'm mentioning Trader Joes, did I ever mention that I literally google-mapped the distances from TJs to each house while we were house hunting? I love it that much. That was a deciding factor. In case you're interested, we purchased a house exactly 2.6 miles from the nearest TJs. Hey, I have my priorities.