When Enough is Beyond Enough

My heart was stomped on again this weekend. You see, in this world of baby loss, there are a good number of us who grieve online. We blog and support one another in this journey that never ends. Each generation of baby loss moms, as I see it, creates a special cohort and bond that connects us. Each cohort contains a group of women who lost babies within about a year of one another and sometimes within days or even hours from the last. It's somehow nice to know that you weren't alone in your misery and that somewhere across this great stretch of land on Earth, someone else understood you. That the gates of the heavens opened and our babies entered in alongside other babies to support one another as we supported each other here in life. Or the shambles we were left with.

In this season, my cohort is moving on to have their first babies post loss. So many of us have just given birth or are on track to do so within the next days, weeks and months. We fought through the battle to conceive again with our hearts at our feet and fear as thick as mud in our throats. But we overcame. We're definitely worse for wear, but we pressed on. Unfortunately though, loss doesn't always strike just once. It's a cruel and unfortunate and absolutely unfair reality that lighting can indeed strike twice. One of our friends has endured just that. She's gone on to bury a sister to her son who was awaiting her arrival. He trailblazed the way for her while her parents sit in despair again. It's absolutely unfathomable that this can occur twice to the same couple and I mourn deeply for them. I've had nightmares every night since and felt such anguish in knowing "the drill" they've had to experience not once, but twice-- to two viable babies that they wanted so desperately to share their lives with.

This world can be a cruel, cruel place. And I'm just so heartbroken for their family.

The Other Momma

 Showing herself to the Wilsons for the very first time (on Earth Day no less)...Momma Fox. 

Who picked under our deck for her den... to raise three babies!

Three incredibly cute...

...and curious babies.

...who are a huge blessing to be able to watch from inside our home.

We have no idea how many days they will stick around...

 

...but, we're not mowing the backyard as long as they do! 

(...or until the HOA complains)

Because these guys are just precious...

 

...even if they make Benjamin (who naturally wants all the attention) a bit jealous.

A-Okay

That's the news we got today about B's hips.

We went in for our 10 a.m. ultrasound at the hospital. B was a champ through the whole thing. He did manage to mark his territory and show the ultrasound tech who was boss, but that's sort of expected when you're messing with a 2-month old boy.

The ultrasound lasted about 30 minutes and I tried really hard to focus on the screen and see if the left hip and right hip had any differences. I couldn't see any, but let's be honest-- I don't know anything. A pregnancy ultrasound, I might be able to figure out better considering the amount of those I've had in the last two years. But on a hip? Of a baby no less? Nope.

I'm not going to lie. Walking in to have an ultrasound made my stomach curl up a bit... but after a few minutes, things were okay. The technician was gentle with B and super nice to us. She made three comments throughout the ultrasound that gave us the indication that things were okay and the hip was fine:

"He'll be crawling in no time" -- not if he's casted!

"He has beautiful hips" -- said after she was done

and the one I think really sealed it:

"Do you have a followup appt. with your doctor scheduled? (No) If it's bad news, you'll be getting a call very soon but if not, you can expect a call in about 48 hours. I'd bet on getting a call in 48 hours (as she looked me straight in the eyes and smiled)."

At 3:30, the phone rings. It's our family practice doctor. Holy crap. They're not supposed to call this early if all is well! {heartbeat elevates...}

The nurse called to tell me that B's hips are perfect and he is good to go! I let her know that I was nervous about the call coming so soon, but she told me that she didn't want us worrying, especially since B is so young. Phew. Phew. Phew. Oh, and it probably doesn't hurt that everyone and their mother is aware of our file.

Thank goodness. I need a glass of wine.

If Only I Wanted to Work as a Medical Assistant...

I spend a lot of my day sitting down. On the couch. In the same spot. Watching TV. Lame, uninteresting TV with equally uninteresting commercials. No cool Budweiser commercials for sure. I could probably spend my time reading the rest of Mockingjay, but for some reason I just don't want to part with Katniss, Peeta or Gale. I'm not ready for it to end, and half the time I'm certain I'll be too tired to retain any of it and just have to repeat the pages I'd just read anyway. No complaints here... just facing the facts. So while I'm watching random repeats of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, I'm plagued with commercials about cleaning products, paper plates, and trade school/colleges advertising their Medical Assistant programs.

Who are they advertising to? I have to believe that most stay at home moms aren't just uneducated women looking to get the heck out of their houses and into these random trade schools, right? I mean, women can be intelligent, educated, and just plain see it as a positive experience to be home teaching and raising their children, right? Maybe they're not advertising to stay-at-home-moms or retirees, but those out of work and in need of training, but honestly, how successful can these commercials actually be? I'd be thrilled to know they were successful as we see lots of these medical assistants ourselves...

We're laying low today. Little B has a bit of a fever following his 2-month shots at the doctor today and his cries are much more fierce. Needless to say, I've been doing twice as many feedings and holding a little babe all day as he builds back his energy and motivation. And as usual, doctor visits always yield worrisome results. Whether it be in utero (low scoring NSTs, subchorionic hematoma...) or out in the world (TTN, NICU), we're still getting some bum news here and there. B is growing well, but obviously being 3 weeks early and not being able to breathe very well at birth meant he wasn't eating well and therefore not gaining as much weight early on. He wasn't up to birth weight at 2 weeks. So... we went back for a 1 month checkup. He was at 8lb and past birth weight. Phew. Then, at 2 months (today), he is weighing in at a beautiful 9lb 7.5oz. It's not high when rated on the percentile scale compared to other 2-monthers, but he's not a typical birth story or even at 2 months gestationally... so we're mostly tracking steady growth and that is going well. We'll catch back up with the percentiles for height, weight, and head growth around the 6 month mark.

What I'm not thrilled by are the rest of the concerns that have been brought to our attention. First, he's had herniated tissue in his belly since birth. We noticed, but none of the neonatologists or our other checkups have brought this up as a concern or even a mention, so we assumed it was normal. And may I mention that we are vocal about all the concerns we have regularly, so we really cannot tell unless he's exerting himself in a major way-- like tummy time. This type of hernia usually works itself out by a year and doesn't affect their development, but it's not exactly a wonderful thing to hear about your child. The second concern brought to our attention was a possible hip dysplasia on his right hip. Our doctor has referred us to have an ultrasound on B's hip. He also prefaced this by saying that he's recommended 12 other ultrasounds for other babies in the past for this same issue and none of those children actually had hip dysplasia. Of course it also only occurs in .4% of babies. Rare, wouldn't you know. If hip dysplasia is diagnosed, he will likely be casted or given some kind of brace to keep that hip in place for awhile. We've noticed no pain or movement issues (as a matter of fact, he moves both legs quite a bit!). We'll see what this ultrasound reveals-- that's not a grief trigger at all. Sigh.

While neither are life threatening, he now has about 5 "dings" on his file since birth. TTN, slight murmur at birth (reason for Echo), jaundice that never developed (thankfully), hernia, and now possible hip dysplasia. We're so thankful for B and know that none of those concerns are really major concerns and can all be lived with/curable. But for once I'd love to have a wellness check that yields no issues or concerns. These diagnoses are more painful for mama to hear than anything. I just want desperately to shield him from any concerns. Yet, I don't have much of a choice in the matter... as usual. I also know that this is typical for parenting. I think I'll be worried about him physically and emotionally for the rest of my life. It all comes with the territory. I can't help but think our history of loss has made each "ding" along the way even harder to swallow.

So I sit. Watching television and noticing an insane amount of medical assisting commercials as B sleeps on my lap. It's a cuddle day. He needs his mama and his mama desperately needs him.

 

Airplane Diaries are Back! Newborn Edition.

It's about time I post some photos and commentary from our visit to Savannah. I'm lucky enough to be able to travel with Ray when he has a meetings in a faraway city-- especially if I've never been there before. We usually extend our stay a day or two for exploration. Let's start our story the day before we left, shall we? I have the perfect story for y'all.

The one where I felt awesome about my body image.
I know I just posted about all that in my last post, but I forgot a little something. I was searching my closet for something I'd fit into for Easter service. We went the night before since we were traveling on Sunday. I selected a short sleeved brown dress with a cute collar and ruffly front. I started pulling it over my head and realized it might be a little tight. Not only was it a little tight, but my arms barely fit into the sleeves. For some reason, I still thought this little endeavor was a good idea. Before I knew it, I was asking my husband to help me pull the rest down. Once on, I realized very quickly that it needed to be taken off immediately since it was a no-go. Then, it took two of us to peel the dang thing off me. I got on the floor and Ray was above me bracing himself while pulling with two hands. It was not pretty, folks. I'm surprised he didn't have to brace his feet against the wall or something. Honestly. In that moment, I felt beautiful, I tell ya. I just may be burning that dress. I definitely wore pants to Easter service. I also want to add that from my last post, I am not intending to be in bikini shape anytime soon. As a matter of fact, my beautiful stretch marks pretty much nix that idea altogether. I just want to fit into pants and feel healthy again. After so long with very little exercise, I want to feel healthy again.


The next morning-- our first flight with a newborn.
I mentioned being a bit cheap, right? Well, I also refused to pay a baggage fee (I've never paid one, ever) for our 5-day trip. The carseat and stroller are gate-check items and we were allowed one bag and one carry-on item each, allowing for the following to be in our possession for free:

• stroller
• carseat
• 2 rolling carry-ons
• backpack with computer & iPad
• diaper bag (yes, my cute, new one I bought at the lululemon sale!)
• Ergo + infant insert

B was in the carseat and clipped into our snap stroller and the diaper bag and laptop backpack were in the stroller basket. The Ergo was stuffed into the backpack and I was pushing the stroller. Ray was managing both of our rolling carry-on bags. Mine is quite small and he'd done this many times before (and all through Europe), so we're pretty skilled. Also, I'm a master packer. We've traveled a lot together and I make sure never to pack more than I need. I managed to fit all of my clothes for 5 days (it's warm in Savannah) and B's clothes and our toiletries with room to spare. I then packed in one of B's Aden & Anais blankets to fill it so things wouldn't get all messy and shift around. We didn't pack many diapers or wipes because we intended to stop off and buy some once we reached our destination. Another lesson in traveling with the Wilsons: always stop to buy a case of bottled water, granola bars & fruit for a cheap breakfast, and now-- add diapers and wipes to the mix. We did this all through Europe and saved a lot of money not buying overpriced water and breakfasts on-the-go.

Before our flight, I strapped B into the Ergo and we were off. He did amazingly well on our first flight and I managed to feed him at the end of our flight and while we taxied so we could make our connecting flight (I know, ridiculous!) on time. Second flight from Charlotte to Savannah was also great.

 His very name on the ticket! Also, I had no idea you needed to get an infant pass at the ticket counter. Now I know...

The arrival at our destination. So not uneventful.
Once we arrived in Savannah, we took our time getting to the rental car. B then started having his massive breakdowns-- thankfully he waited until we were out of public range. I went to the bathroom to change him since I didn't have time between flights and whatdoyouknow, blowout. Crap! (pun intended) I now had a naked baby in the airport bathroom and I was cleaning not only his outfit (I recommend dark outfits, especially for travel), but I had to clean the WHITE infant insert to the Ergo. Why do they make those white? And why was I stupid enough to buy that? Well, it's sort of gray, but it may as well be white when your kid's poo is of a bright yellow hue. I scrubbed with thin paper towels and the automatic soap that decided in my haste not to want to come out no matter how many times I waved my hand in front of it. I walked naked baby out of the bathroom leaving the rest of our things in place and handed him off to Ray to re-dress him while I attempted to salvage our insert. Add to our shopping list a bottle of Shout {Excellent $2 investment}.

We had a nice 5-day adventure between Hilton Head, SC and Savannah, GA. We had lots of stroller and Ergo walks and some nice dinners and exploration while there. I'll post some photos with commentary...

B's first touch in the Atlantic Ocean... a bit cold! Hilton Head, SC

 Marriott sinks make excellent bathtubs for 7-week old kidlets. He looooves his bath time.

 I like big beds and I cannot lie...

 Naptime at the beach/pool

 Just before dinner in Savannah

Ergo walking all over Savannah while Ray was in meetings

Popular Savannah joint, Zunzi's. The locals love it. Vegetarians don't fare as well... but it was good. I'd say we enjoyed a leisurely stroller walk and lunch in the park, but that didn't happen quite like that... B had other ideas.

Our trip home was equally as uneventful as the trip there-- except random sick guy directly next to me on our first leg. It was a small plane that was about 60% full and I made sure B was covered up and then some. Ugh. Otherwise, we had a nice trip... looking forward to our next trip. Our flights are already booked for Jersey! We're headed to the Poconos and Long Island for a few days to visit Great Grandparents and Ray's parents. We also have a Nashville, California, and Canada trip planned for this year as well! B is going to be one well-traveled kidlet by his first birthday.

Speaking of birthdays... I cannot be more excited to welcome all kinds of BLM babies into the world. I think there are about 15 of you having babies in the next few months! I'm looking forward to reading all about these babies and seeing their photos, my friends.