Crafty Reveal

I've been waiting to post some pictures until I had everything finished, but of course something went awry and it's not done. Not like I haven't waited years to get things in working order anyway, so what's a few more weeks?

The mobile creation was a success. I can't say that about most of my crafty endeavors, which is why I rarely entertain them. I can admire, but just don't have the care or patience to really finish a project that involves sewing machines or hot glue guns. Just not my thing.

This only involved my printer, scissors, cardstock, and hemp twine. I can handle that. Template for the birds found here.

The wall will have this in dark grey. 

It arrived, we had it taped and ready to go... started peeling... and bam. Wrong color. Silver is not dark grey, my friends. It's not. Back to Amazon it went and we'll try again soon. Here's the mobile hanging in all its glory. We're quite proud of our $7 mobile created by yours truly. Too bad B thinks crib sleeping is for the birds. Hah. Birds. Get it? Sleep deprivation jokes at their finest. Guess who might be teething and is now waking every two hours at night? Not surprising as I'm reminded that my brother and I were the same way at such an early age.

The top of the Ikea bookshelf has a bird I found at a thrift store during my pregnancy with Andrew. I sanded it down, painted it white and added another successful craft project to my miniature repertoire. The letters are to represent my kidlets, and the sign in the middle reads Love You to the Moon and Back. It was given to us by good friends for Andrew's birthday. I wrote to Andrew in one of my letters and said those words. Now B has those words to cherish as well.

The blue chest was not in there when we were decorating for Andrew. We brought it up from the basement where it used to house our wedding stuff and costumes (who doesn't love a good mullet wig?) and decided it will be B's to keep. Every Air Force Academy cadet receives one of these, among other things. It's now being passed down to B from his dad. So sweet.

The A & B pillows on the rocking chair were made by my same amazing blog friend, Katie, who made B's interchangeable bowtie onesies. The blanket was made by my mom, B's grandma. As for the curtains... anyone have any ideas on making them blackout?

We have no wall space left in B's room, otherwise we'd hang our latest acquisition: B's first stock. When I was pregnant with B, Ray decided that if he lived, he would purchase his very first stock for him and have it framed. We searched the stocks available that you can purchase and have sent to you. We decided on something that would be suitable for children (candy) and a local company, Tootsie Roll. When B moves out of the nursery and into his next bedroom, we'll hang it for him. Until then... on the mantle it stays.

Also on the mantle is another craft project I've been working on. I pinned this on Pinterest, found some map templates online, purchased some old maps from a consignment store for $3, re-purposed the frame that used to hang above the crib as a placeholder for something much better (that never happened before Andrew died) and came up with this:

I'm not entirely thrilled with it, but that's what we've got so far since B managed to take a five hour nap one day a couple weeks ago. It hasn't happened since, so therefore it remains as-is for now. It's actually wax paper backing and I'd prefer something like burlap. My mom recommended a dark blue. Since the maps are obviously not to scale, it was challenging to include the places we're from and currently live while trying to maintain some sense of the state. Obviously California is not ocean. But I wanted to use the cutout of the state itself and show where I'm from originally. Unfortunately, it looks like I'm from the middle of the state when I'm actually from the southern portion just 2ish hours from the Mexican border. Should've thought of that. And Ray isn't from the center of Maryland either. The Illinois map is the most accurate as we do live in the north part of the state just west of Lake Michigan. Also, the hearts are pieces of red paper I found on the label of Ray's magazine, The Economist. Since I re-purposed that frame (that cost me around $16 back in 2010), this whole project was less than $20 so far. I need to figure out what to do with that backing.

Here's what I paid $3 for at consignment. Nice, old, vinyl National Geographic maps that may or may not still have the U.S.S.R. labeled.

Also, we bought this. In June. 

Because it was an amazing deal for Memorial Day weekend and I scored $32 cash back on my purchase through ShopatHome. My next check in July will be for $127.08 since we apparently spend way too much online and have that much in cash back to show for it. Haha. I'd like to hope that next winter we'll be spending less time shoveling and more time together watching B walk around the house and become an overall menace to society. Can't wait. 

Another food post coming soon. This one involves the use of my blender. Get excited.

To donate to the Rasmussens, please see their donation website. To read their story, click here.  

Right Where I Am - 18 months

There's a little girl I see at church every week. She's probably about 18 months. I won't ask. Part of me is burning to know, but I can't know. I just can't know. Will I be like this for the rest of my life? Will I fear asking people how old their children are in fear that they might be the age Andrew should be?

He should be 18 months. Walking, talking, eating, laughing. I can't even get into the things I know I've missed out on and the seasoned mother I would be right now in my life. He should be here and running to the park everyday. But he's not. He'll never be again. It still hurts, but not like it did in the early days of my grief. Those days were very hazy. They seemed to blend and it makes me crazy thinking about that. While I'll always miss my Andrew, I hope to never feel the way I did in those beginning days again.

This grief is different. Surely it's no different in that my son is still gone, but I think it's because I am just plain used to being a baby loss mom. I know how to do it. I'm an expert now. I'm no longer wallowing in my grief, wondering what to do and where to go from there.

B has been a part of this healing, most certainly. I can honestly say that I would feel even more sadness and defeat if I did not have B here, was not pregnant, or had just gone through another subsequent loss. The truth is, B has brought such joy to our lives and given us what we expected to feel and experience with Andrew. He is not Andrew. Let's make no mistake about that. He is no replacement and will never be allowed to be spoken as such. He's most assuredly his own little soul. But he is one thing that I desperately needed 18 months ago-- hope. He's hope in our lives and reassurance that though the sun appeared to fall out of our worlds on that very cold December day, that it does rise again. That there are more blessings to come in life that we need to appreciate in their entirety. One major beauty in having B here is that I have the opportunity to share about Andrew more often. I am constantly being asked if B is my only child-- my first. I always mention Andrew in conversation, and that allows me to keep him with me always.

We are crazy people now. We wake up in cold sweats and yell to one another bizarre phrases at 4 in the morning about whether our son is breathing or not. Whether we saw him move or felt warm air coming from his nostrils.We burst into tears at the sight of him slumped over in his carseat as we're driving somewhere and rush to the backseat to make sure he's still alive. We are the people who now own three baby monitors for one living child.

I still miss Andrew. I still honor him in my life and tell the lady at the sandwich shop who asked if B was my first that he most definitely is not-- that I lost my first son very tragically and he is my second. Still loved 100% the same, but a different child. I knew she meant to discuss if this was my first experience being woken up at all hours of the night and the answer to that is obviously yes. But I wasn't willing to deny my first son the placement and importance he has in my life. He changed everything.

This blog will remain a place to honor Andrew and carry out his legacy, because he could not. B will be a part of this and all things in between and beyond. It's the story of our lives and it all started with our beautiful Andrew. As for last year, I was in a very different place. I had miscarried our first sign of hope just days earlier. And exactly one month after I wrote that post, I found out I was pregnant again, with B. Our hope. He is still providing incredible hope in our lives.

To read all the submissions for this project, click here.

To donate to the Rasmussens, please see their donation website. To read their story, click here. 

To Michigan & Beyond!

We spent the weekend with my parents. They came to visit because my younger cousin got hitched in Michigan! What are the odds that this California girl would move to Illinois and her two California cousins (pictured below as groom and best man) would both select colleges in Illinois as well? And in doing so the eldest of the two would marry the woman of his dreams just 2 hours from our home? Awesome, I tell ya. Couldn't have worked out better. B is nearly 3 1/2 months and my parents last saw him when he was just a couple weeks old. He's now smiling and laughing and considerably more responsive. He is also an even better screamer than before. Hah.

Our long weekend started Thursday evening and continued until Sunday afternoon. We walked about a mile away from our house to a cute cafe for breakfast on Friday and hit up the Wilton tent sale where I purchased 4 large and 6 small loaf pans for my breadmaking endeavors. I also scored some muffin liners, a flour container, and airplane and train cookie cutters. We had Chicago pizza, barbecued, drove to the wedding, enjoyed our favorite Jewish Deli, and were able to get away for a bit while B was watched by his grandparents. It was a great trip and so perfectly timed. And now... pictures of the wedding.

The venue: an old Michigan barn. So cute.

Creative, shabby chic centerpieces

Crossword puzzles at our tables

Almost a good family picture.

Grandparents with the B man

Complete nerdy photograph with slobber and all

Spent.

Tie credit goes to an incredible & creative blog friend, Katie, who made B three onesies and five bowties to go with them! We added a grey one to the mix to fit B and can't wait to dress him in bowties for more fun events and weddings coming up! Stay tuned for more bowtie fun. :)

If you'd like to donate to the Rasmussens, please see the right side of the blog for info. A link to their story is available there as well.

I'll Be Your Pool Boy

Love me some water but hate the splashing.

 

This, That, and the Other Thing

I texted a friend on Tuesday for a little impromptu lunch and thrift store shopping. Our boys will be friends someday. We hope good friends. She's also a baby loss mama and her first is hanging with my first up in the clouds. I hope our firsts are friends, too. Someday maybe we'll find out.

I've been feeling crafty and apparently nesting has now kicked in since B is now 3 months old. I just couldn't bring myself to think about anything for a baby I wasn't sure would come home with us. I did that with Andrew and felt like a fool when we walked into a home full of baby, but minus the baby. We're considering transitioning B into his nursery soon and out of our room and his co-sleeper where he conveniently thinks awake time happens somewhere around 6 a.m. daily. He's a happy waker, so that's a wonderful thing-- but Mom and Dad aren't exactly with it in the wee morning hours quite like his happy little self. We don't have a dark room and that could be our first rookie mistake. For awhile we did put fitted sheets over the windows (awesomely ghetto) and now said sheets are in B's nursery for when he screams his head off and protests naps. We'll be working to fix that curtain situation sometime this weekend. I've also been dreaming of mobiles as B really enjoys staring lately. It's clear he's trying to figure this whole world out and I want to provide him some stimulation-- though I'm not sure he'll even see the mobile I plan to make with the blackout shades I plan to assemble.

Anyway, the crafts. We're working on things. I emailed a few of my BLM sistahs and asked what they thought about some kind of art piece to go over the crib for my A and B babies. Andrew had a frame with his name in it-- but nothing fancy and it was only a placeholder to begin with. I hated it from the start and still hate it despite loving his name there still. I wanted to somehow incorporate both of my babes into an art piece and create some kind of family keepsake out of the whole thing. Except, I didn't want it to be too juvenile as I'd like to be able to move it once my living kiddos are no longer kiddos and something I could also maybe incorporate baby #3 (when that all goes down-- Lord help us all) shows its face. They had lovely ideas... but I still wasn't biting. I finally decided I'll be using something I thought I hated-- a wall decal. A sticker, if you will. I just love maps and our nursery doesn't really have a theme anyway. It's sort of a hodgepodge of things we like (wildlife, a cool & eclectic ABC chart, bookshelf with fun items I either thrifted or purchased). Not exactly an art piece we'll keep around forever, but I love it nonetheless. Here's the inspiration decal.

I'll be making a mobile this weekend, and typing that makes me all nervous that I'll actually have to show it when done. It will be conjured out of two different ideas:

The birds from here, but in different, bolder shades (5 because Andrew was born on the 5th and I want him in this, too. And of course B was born on the 23rd and if you really stretch out this whole thought, 2+3=5. I know, it's a stretch but it only has to make sense to me, okay? Hah).

And this one based on the use of a natural branch. I will be finding one in our yard because we have approximately 3,482 mature trees that drop these nonstop. Usually we're cursing about having to pick them up. For once I'll be delighted to find one.

All that to get back to my thrift store story. So, my friend and I went to lunch and to this thrift store in our area, Savers, that proceeds are donated to the Epilepsy Foundation. That's nice, but we didn't end up buying anything, though I did spot some delightfully cute Banana Republic & Loft capris that would never fit over my two pregnancies in two years mom butt.

Here were the highlights. Prepare to be entertained.

Oh me. Oh my. What do we have here? The best sign ever? I thought so. 

(p.s. I detest Walmart. Target is where it's at!)

Because you might be in need of two lamb cake molds. Also, that's Wilton. And I heart Wilton. And since I heart Wilton and their warehouse is approximately 5 miles from my house, I will be going to their enormo tent sale promptly on the first day of its opening on June 1.

 Hmm. Thought they might be dead.

 Do you know what that is?

Yeah, that is a mandolin with approximately 30 sharp edges and blades. Lucky infant who gets its hands on that one!

Done thrifting but decided to head on next door to Old Navy to check out the little people clothing options. This one had B's name written all over it. Except I wasn't sure Ray would approve... until I got home and showed him this photo in which he replied, "Why didn't you buy it?"

My friend and I went our separate ways and since B's nap was already thrown out for the day because of all the fun we were having, I hit up a few more stores. One of those being The Land of Nod Outlet. It's still wildly expensive and next to the Crate & Barrel Outlet where we sometimes score great deals... but not much happening that day. I did happen to score this hardback book.

 For a crazy steal of a buck! What? No one likes a peeing boy?

We happen to! That would be the (replica because the other one is locked away somewhere from being stole again) Manneken Pis in Belgium! He's just a wee little lad. Hah.

And for good measure because this has turned into a post that went in all kinds of crazy directions, here are a few more photos from the week:

One of the dinners: Pesto chicken pizza (you can tell which side is mine with the sundried tomatoes and olives instead, obvi)

And cute little B monster, of course...

We hang out on the front lawn a lot. I think he enjoys staring at the swaying trees. And mama needs a break from holding him sometimes. It usually buys me about 30 minutes of time.

 Sleepy chunk

 Still a bit too small for the ol' Johnny Jump Up. I have a feeling he's going to love this thing. He is a big fan of "standing" and looking around. See those blankets stuffed in there? Yeah, not ready quite yet. ;)