Old Grief

What will grief look like when we're 60?

Currently, we're celebrating Christmas with Andrew in our presence. He has a stocking hanging near the tree, where his ashes are on the bookshelf. I bought him an ornament last year and this year and intend to buy one every year forevermore. Of course, that makes me wonder if by my 60th year, he'll have 32 ornaments? What will I do with them all, and how healthy will that be?

I know my grief will change. But I don't ever want it to change so drastically that Andrew is a distant memory. It's already hard enough admitting that he sort of is that distant memory.

I struggle with thinking about how eventually this mourning might become old hat. Andrew used to be the first person I woke up thinking about. Now, that's not the case. I guess it's healthy that he's not, but I still think of him many times each day.

December is just his month. It's hard for me not to think about him often. It's hard for me to hang decorations and walk by them all day long without thinking about being pregnant with him. After all, it was the last time Christmas decorations were seen in and around our home.

I can't imagine blogging about grief from age 28 until I'm elderly. Or maybe I can? I do love to write and I did start this blog far before Andrew died... so maybe I can keep writing. Will I write about him every year? I'm scared of the answer, honestly. I want to know his memory is alive to me and I fear that this grief will get "old" in some ways.

What about you guys? Ever think about how grief will change over the course of your lifetime?

It's Wednesday.

Oh man, I'm tired. If you've been following me on Instagram {brandywilson}, you'll know I've been downtown having a blast with 25 other Chicago mom bloggers. I have so much to update on that and I'm seriously still on a high from it all.

I'm currently propped up on the couch with the fire going and exhausted. The B-man is asleep in a snowsuit in his crib. Yeah, #1 mom award, I'm sure. We're just glad Kristi let us borrow it, because I couldn't think how we'd get him to sleep in his room for his nap without bundling him up big time. I'm one of those cheapskates (and also earth-conscious!) that refuses to heat my house much while we're out. That of course results in some frigid temperatures when we get back home.

I'm still tired from booking it to the train station to catch the direct train to the 'burbs that was 1.5 miles away from our hotel. My body is sore from a fitness session yesterday and B decided it was party time, excellent last night around midnight. You know, just an hour after falling to sleep myself. But what's more fun than walking up and down the long hotel hallway with a squirming baby blowing raspberries on your shoulder?

Answer? Not much. Except I do wish he'd reserve the big parties for daylight hours.

Fun tidbit of the day: Benjamin has recently started farting like a full grown adult. It's really something special.

You're welcome.

I Bet You've Been Wondering if we Still Eat

I mean, it has been awhile since I've posted about food. Which is abnormal. And unacceptable.

Perhaps it's a certain little nugget of love that's been keeping me away from the kitchen. He's trying. He crawls multiple rooms using only the sound of my voice and proceeds to pull himself up using the slack of my pants. Then he stands in between my legs and whines until I pick him up.

Food critic, maybe.

Two items on the menu tonight. We didn't actually get to the salad, but since we've had it three times this week and my husband is probably screaming, "Alright already!" I figured I'd share my recipe. The other is what we had for dinner. Like an hour ago.

First up, cabbage salad. I'm the type who really does try to save money and buy in season. I also like fresh produce, and honestly, produce in the Midwest can be a little sketchy especially if you shop at Jewel and buying what is in season is your best bet at getting produce that isn't hours away from spoiling. Cabbage is either in season, or particularly cheap these days. It appears fresh, so I bought a couple heads of it recently.

Ingredients:
1/2 head green cabbage (red works, but it bleeds and isn't as pretty when that happens), sliced thin
1/4ish red onion, sliced thin
Handful of carrot matchsticks
Handful cilantro, roughly chopped
1 inch ginger, grated

Dressing: (It's basically the recipe on the back of TJ's rice wine vinegar)
1/4 cup rice wine vinegar
Spoonful sesame oil
Dash of soy sauce
Red pepper flakes to taste

I buy in bulk and freeze it. I love ginger and always have it on hand + it's easier to grate when frozen.

 It's even better 2-3 days later after marinating through, but it can be eaten immediately.

I saw a recipe on Pinterest that looked so good, I bundled up the nugget and headed out to the grocery store just for taco shells. I could've made them myself, sure, but I didn't have the tortillas for that either. And I guess I could've made my own tortillas, but gah. I just wanted the boxed kind, okay? And here you have, oven tacos. The mix should be thick and not saucy at all for either meat or vegetarian filling.

Ingredients for meat filling:

1/4 lb taco meat, cooked & seasoned how you like it

1/4 can refried beans (or if you are better than me and avoid the BPA, 1/4 cup of your own)

1/4 cup salsa

Ingredients for vegetarian filling:

If you eat crumbles or tempeh (I don't), use those here... but I used...

1/2 cup refried beans

1/4 cup salsa

1/2 cup quinoa, cooked

Fill taco shells with filling of your choice, top with cheese & bake for 10ish minutes at 400 degrees. When done, top with your favorite taco fillings. Honestly, we thought these were delicious. Like, YUM. Something about the baked shells being sort of crunchy and sort of soft. We will be making these again. I can see myself making these for years to come, especially with kids. The binding of the ingredients means no more crumbly meat on the floor! Well, unless you have a 9-month old and miraculously, everything is always on the floor no matter what.

I love those Crate & Barrel dishes. My food is never tainted by meat juices. I recommend it for long, happy marriages for those vegetarians married to carnivores. The usual suspects: cheese, cilantro, spinach, olives, avocado. Sour cream, salsa, hot sauce are all good things, too, but I didn't include them.

Ready for the oven.

Ready to top & eat!

More depressing posts to come, but until then, how about a happy post all about food?

Mmmmmmmmm.

Letters to Andrew {5}

Dear Andrew,

I sat down with your little brother and opened your photo book today. It shocks me still just how beautiful you were. We've had a rough week around here celebrating what should've been your 2nd birthday. We had dinner at a place we think you would've loved and made sure to enjoy some bakery treats that evening. Your little brother even enjoyed a bit of a gingerbread cookie in your honor.

I didn't ask friends or family to take photos or send me anything this year like we did last year. I guess I just wanted the day to go by as fast as possible. But wasn't I surprised to receive emails and text messages and phonecalls and pictures of all the wonderful things people did for you and ways they celebrated your life. So many delicious desserts (complete with #2 candles and your name!), random acts of kindness, and kind words, all for a boy we love and miss so much. {Thank you so much, all of you.}

It's impossible to think about the road ahead and how many more years of our lives we'll spend missing you.

But in the meantime, we're trying to make you proud.

Loving You Always,

Mom, Dad & Benjamin

Coca-Cola Balanced Living Workshop

I was compensated for my participation in Coca-Cola's Balanced Living Workshop, but my thoughts and views are my own.

Admittedly, we've had very little time to tend to ourselves, our relationships, our health or even hygiene lately. This whole stay-at-home-mom business can really bring out the grunge in a person. I recently made a pact with a friend that we'd send one another photos at least three times each week of us actually wearing nice-ish clothes and having washed and blowdried (bonus if styled!) our hair. No joke.

Actual photo proof.

Add a basement renovation and taking care of a very rambunctious 9-month-old to equal a recipe for exhaustion at the end of the day. I love to cook, but find myself reaching for a frozen pizza when I'm so tired from toting around the little all day and spending the rest of the time scrubbing dried scrambled eggs off the dining room floor. It's an exhaustion I'm so grateful for, but one that requires some balance.

Our relationships matter. Ray and I spend very little time together these last few months. The jogging stroller has received very little wear and tear because by the time I can hand over the kiddo at the end of the day I'm too busy catching up on dinner or dishes or emails or DVR to have the desire for anything else. Okay, so that bit about DVR is neither necessary nor important, but sometimes it's just really awesome to zone out while hearing adults speak without actually having to interact.

We need some work.

Next week I'll be heading to downtown Chicago for a Coca-Cola Balanced Living Workshop that will take place over the course of two days. I'll be spending time with other mom bloggers as well and I'm pretty excited about the whole thing. I received the itinerary and am looking forward to a few things that will be taking place:

• Learning about family nutrition, specifically how I might find more effective ways to feed my family while sticking to my own vegetarian interests.
• A one-on-one consultation with a registered dietitian about my lifestyle goals. I'm excited yet nervous about airing out all the dirty laundry on this one!
• The family-friendly fitness session during which I will totally be wearing my cute yoga pants.
• Meeting some local Chicago moms and mom bloggers. I'm not from here and meeting friends can be tricky. What if I meet someone super-local and we have tons in common and plan coffee dates every week?
• A grocery store visit with a registered dietitian to get their take on reading labels and buying the best produce. I feel like I'm decent at this, but I'm used to California produce being super fresh and ripe. It's harder to pick it out here, especially in the middle of winter!
• The cooking demonstrations because I'm a sucker for fun kitchen gadgets, techniques and yummy food.

I'm seriously thrilled. I feel all kinds of fancy going on my own little trip downtown for fun and learning. I'll be taking photos and updating, so stay tuned. It's time this girl (and her boys) gets back in shape and lives a healthy lifestyle. Lumberjack Benjamin approves and decided to release me from my mom duties for the event.

My name is Benjamin and I approved this message.