Happy Halloweeeeeeen!

With cute kids like this, it makes me really wonder what our first boy would've been like at nearly 4 years old. I'm certain he would've picked an awesome costume and loved all the excitement. Andrew, you are missed, as big as this bumble bee mama can miss someone.

Active October

We're busy bees over here!

In a nutshell, the last two weeks included the following:

• California grandparents arrived for a few days.
• New pumpkin patch exploring.
• Visited the beautiful Cantigny Park.
• Grandparents watched the kids so we could have a rare date night at our very favorite restaurant! Complete with cocktails! And no kids sitting on our laps!
• Benjamin attended preschool a few times.
• Claire had her first trip to the ER for a quick spike of 104.6 fever which yielded nothing... until a few days later when she developed the Roseola rash. She had a catheter and urine test and it was ruled viral and the rash confirmed it.
• Claire turned 9 months on that very same high fever day.
• She also sprouted her fourth tooth. 
• I got one of the best massages of my life... Mother's Day gift finally used from my parents!
• We flew to Orlando (and stayed 5 days) with two pretty good flights (round trip).
• I was a sucker and paid $20 for a ridiculous inflatable alligator that was hardly used. #facepalm
• 3/4 of us had our first trip to Disney World.
• Benjamin was perfect and without a single tantrum during the entire 10 hours of Disney fun without a nap. That place is MAGIC!
• Benjamin's WORLD was made when he met Mickey Mouse and Buzz Lightyear (and Pooh & Tigger).
• I successfully failed at getting the kids to sleep through the night or nap in the hotel room that was too small for my liking but successfully managed two double stroller naps!
• We arrived home completely exhausted, with many loads of laundry and a couple cranky kids.

I'll post pictures and commentary from the Disney trip in another blog post, but until then...

Pictures!

Left photo taken October 12. Right photo taken 48 hours later at the ER during her temperature spike. Doesn't even look like the same girl!

Gawbee arrived (same day and time of Claire's fever hike. OF COURSE). Though, it proved rather convenient because she handled Benjamin at home while we both whisked Claire off to the doctor. Thank you, paid deductible because of the NICU cost in January. She took Benjamin to storytime, we had bagels in the local downtown and hit up some fun places and shops.

Dinner date with my hunky husband, some alone time with my beautiful daughter & a FABULOUS massage (and for those who remember my phone debacle, my parents came to my rescue with a phone for my birthday! New cover in use!)

That fever baby was back to normal and was delightful at her 9mo appointment. Clocking in at 18lb4oz, we're just about in size 3 diapers over here. She and Benjamin might be in the same size diaper soon if he doesn't get his butt in gear and potty train! My dad arrived and they took the kids to a local indoor bounce place and out to dinner while we had our date night.

Donuts for breakfast and off to explore beautiful Cantigny Park!

 We heart Cantigny.

We hit up a local pumpkin patch that was just okay... we'll be back to the far place next year. I seriously think experiences are often dependent on weather and the weather that day was drizzly and cool, hence our mediocre experience. We still managed bounce houses, train rides, a hayride, pony ride, animal feedings, cider and cider donuts, holding baby chickens and cute pumpkin pictures... so I'd say it was a success.

 Um, how cute are they? I seriously can't believe they are our kids.

 Benjamin is fearless. I love it.

 Family.

Pumpkin carving (Benjamin INSISTED he handle the knife for portions!).

Toddler and Baby Lifesavers

The only reason I'm a capable and relatively happy human being right now is because of Benjamin and Claire. Well, mostly Benjamin. He came after Andrew and saved me from a very dark place. Not that the dark place doesn't still exist, but him being alive and allowing me to perform the duties of a mother literally brought me out of a dark place into some light again.

I often tell strangers about Andrew. At least a few times a week, his life comes up in conversation enough for me to explain things. I usually add the whole bit about being able to talk about him without crying because it's been a long time and I have two living children who carry on somewhat of a legacy for him. They carry some of his traits, features, and quirkiness, I'm assuming. I want to assume. I'm guessing I'd be bawling my eyes out while explaining his story if Benjamin and Claire were not in the picture after losing him, no matter if it had been 4 hours or 4 years like we're approaching in December.

With these kids, I feel like I gained some of my happiness and life back.

Without them? I would be in a very bleak place, I think. It's because of them and only because of them that living without Andrew is made manageable. It's a little scary to me that they carry so much of that healing burden for me. It's not fair to them, maybe. But honestly speaking, where on earth would I be without them?

Perhaps a dark post for a Monday, but honest. Something I've been thinking about a lot this week. I'll be back soon (after Halloween festivities and Benjamin's first school program!!) with pictures from pumpkin patch adventure and Disney World!

Letters to Andrew + Invitation

If you will join me, please unite in lighting candles to remember the babies at 7 p.m. this evening.

Small Bird Studio

Dear Andrew,

I almost wrote "sweet" Andrew, but really, who knows who you would have been. You might have been spunky, but I presume more circumspect than your younger brother. I think you would've been an intellect and someone who was easy to please. I guess I can't picture you being anything but wonderful because that's the dream I had for you as a baby growing for those nearly 39 weeks.

One thing is certain; the person you would have been has left a gaping hole in our family. I always said I wanted two children, but missing you makes me sure I want three. Except, I have three and you're not here. If I had one more, I would feel like I want four. I will always want you.

Missing and loving and lighting a candle that is not enough, because we love you.

Love,
Mom

NILMDTS Featured!

I wrote back in August about winning $1,000 for an organization near and dear to our hearts and the reason we have beautiful photos of our Andrew, NILMDTS.

Well, they're featured this week! It's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on Wednesday and it's timely to have them at the top of the website with a beautiful photo.

Check it out!