Thursday, August 16, 2012

Today's a Rainy Day

It always feels like I miss Andrew more on these days. Like my early days of grief, it was cold outside and snow was covering the ground-- but instead-- we are inside because the rain keeps us here. Babies don't exactly understand that rain is fun to play in quite yet.

So we find other things to do.

Today is also the first day of school. Every single year since I stopped teaching, I've been a little somber on these days. I held B at the window this morning (because he's been gracing us quite early these days) and watched a mom take her child's photo in front of the front door as he prepped to head off to his first day of school. I watched the little boy across the street head off to the bus stop and saw the bus pull away with children inside, so excited for their first day with a new teacher, new friends, new grade, new shoes and clothes that they probably slept in the night before because they were so excited.

I miss it. I miss teaching.

I miss Andrew. We're rounding the corner to two years and it just seems so shocking still, at times.

The rain makes all these emotions seem as fluid as itself. In so many ways, there are three lives I want to be living, all at the same time. A teacher. A mother to Andrew. A mother to Benjamin. But it doesn't seem like any of the three can happen concurrently. This is where I am meant to be right now.

We spent the day in the kitchen, as usual, creating and concocting and reflecting. Benjamin has spent the majority of the day with his thumb in his mouth and teething something fierce. The shrieks he's learned to make will send your heart racing as you'd assume he was being tortured or something. Nope, just a new sound he somehow learned.

We're nearing 6 months with Andrew's brother and we're just still so in awe that he is ours and he is here and real and living among us. Time to go rescue him from his crib. I can hear the sounds of a little boy just waiting to be cuddled. And by cuddled, I mean a child who will wriggle in my arms, turning his head side-to-side as not to miss a thing, insisting that I hold him and walk him from room to room.

I can hear the shrieking now. Must go.


Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

Beautiful post. Very haunting. I know exactly what you mean about the weather bringing grief to the surface...fluid. Such a perfect word for grief.

Snowy days still catch in my throat. Snow storms that force you inside for days are the hardest. I can understand why rainy days would be equally difficult.

It cost my job to try for Beta...I had to choose my career or my life. I chose my life. Being torn between the three parts of me, Mama to Ava, Mama to Beta and a career woman is very difficult. It is sobering sometimes that others seem to have it all, and I do not. I have grieved that. I had to choose and I would make the same choice again a thousand times over.

6 months. What a busy boy! Enjoy him however heavy your heart.

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

I know what you mean about multiple lives you want to be living - but all at the same time.

And boy the weather messes with my emotions too!

Missing Andrew with you. always

Amelia said... [Reply to comment]

Beautiful. Light and love to you.

Veronica said... [Reply to comment]

I'm reading along, as you let some of the tough stuff out. I hear you.
Life some how splits itself off into very different, undesirable paths...and I for one cant help but keep looking back.

I'm at a fork in the road with work. I want to quit all together, but I think of life on one income, and it just seems so stressful. But going back might mean harder baby having days ahead...I don't know why things had to take such a turn. I was probably going to quit after Alexander - but I was going to have a baby too... ah, such a mess.

This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

The weather TOTALLY affects my mood (and grief), too. So hard to be happy when the weather (and world) seems to be custom made for your sadness.

Missing your boy with you forever and always.

Renel said... [Reply to comment]

I love the rain. For some reason it soothes me...maybe in the heat and the scorched desert of my heart and when Camille is just too much. It is so hard the days when we miss more, or extra or just feel it more specifically.

I am living multiple lives all the time. I used to think of this a lot, before Camille died. About life choices and paths not chosen...but when a path is chosen for you and it is riddled with difficulties and sorrow, pain and thorns into our souls, ANY other road seems that much more sweet. What is hard is that rainbow baby you have in your arms, a path of such hardship lead to him. I wish it were different and the same. That you could have both boys with out the choosing of one, without the anguish of the loss of one. Sending a giant hug.