Pay it Forward: Wedding Dress

I've been married 7.5 incredible years. Well, some of those years weren't so incredible, but not based on my choice of husband. He was nothing short of amazing through all of our heartbreak and remains so to this day.

I kind of won the jackpot with that one.

When I picked out a wedding dress, everyone thought I'd choose a simple A-line because I've never been the frilly type. I didn't. I grabbed the pretty princess dress. It was the 4th dress off the rack and I was done trying them on in an hour. Probably to the dismay of my mother who loves all things lace and frills and girly. I've just never fit that category too well. That probably means Claire will love all that stuff and I'll have to embrace the pink. Grandma will be stoked.

It was off the rack, but still needed tailoring (which I'm convinced can be avoided, but alas). It was tailored and ended up being something like $700 when it was all said and done.

And then I wore it once. The best day of my life in a dress I still think is quite beautiful. And on July 26, 2008, I stuffed that dress and its accompanying petticoat in a comforter bag and stuffed it in the closet. And then I put it on a moving truck and brought it to Illinois where I stuffed it in a wooden chest. I told my mom I planned to throw it away and she wasn't keen on that idea.

I didn't sew it myself or pour hours and hours into it like my mom did making hers. Probably thousands of brides that same year had the same dress. It wasn't mine... just a "borrowed" style and one that I was grateful for that year, but won't ever use again. It hasn't been cleaned and is still dirty on the bottom from our outdoor reception. I never planned to have it professionally cleaned or have someone cut half of it off and stuff it in a display box (to be stuffed in another closet).

I could probably save it for Claire, but what if she never marries? And really, I don't know a single person who wore their mother's gown, especially a gown off the rack at David's Bridal. Maybe earrings or veil or another piece to check off the something old category of superstition, but never the dress.

I'm in a purging mood. But I didn't want to just throw it away. So I'm donating it. I have the amazing husband and the perfect set of rings and three beautiful children from a marriage I'm honored to have.

But the dress? It's just a thing that isn't contingent on having a happy marriage or fulfilling life. And it's taking up a lot of space.

A nice girl from the city is coming this afternoon to pick it up and hopefully wear it for her own wedding day. And I couldn't be more elated (and maybe a little nervous to hand it over). But really, it would be so nice to gift it to someone who can use it again for their happiest day ever.

Marriage & Kids

Kids literally suck out all of your energy. Energy for doing anything for yourself like reading, watching a TV show, going out with friends, having an enjoyable dinner...

I'm finding more and more that kids are sucking the life out of my marriage. Not that we are having issues, because we're totally fine. In fact, I'm not sure there is a soul on this planet who would understand me after losing Andrew quite like he does. Because he lost Andrew too. We both lost our son. We have a great time in the snippets we do converse with one another, but they're just snippets these days.

As soon as the husband gets home at night, it's like a shift change. I pass him off some of the duties as I tend to others or tend to neglected ones. He grabs a kid-- usually Benjamin-- and takes him to the park, plays with him, heads outside to work on yardwork with him, etc. I care for Claire and/or tend to the house or dinner.

Then it's bath, bed for the kids and bed for us me. He usually stays up a bit longer reading a magazine or something. I just can't afford to forfeit the sleep since it's so sparse these days. The first stretch of the night is the longest for Claire, so I must get some rest myself so I can have enough energy for the littles to suck it out of me the next day.

I miss date nights and romantic walks on the beach. I miss the beach, but that's a whole other blog post. I miss thinking of creative ways to surprise one another and leisurely eating dinner with a few glasses of wine. I miss holding hands and going for bike rides and cuddling on the couch.

With the kids, there's just no time for one another. I could be making a huge generalization here, but it seems that families who live close to involved (as there is a difference) grandparents tend to be a little more carefree, a little less stressed, and have a little more romance in their relationships. I'm not talking anything sexual over here (but go ahead and assume that there's little time for any of that either), just connecting. Having time just to be with one another and enjoy being in love. Surely it's not like the butterfly fluttery days of our dating, engagement and first few years of marriage, but to make new memories and bring us back to when things were simpler and just about the two of us. Before grief.

I know these years are fleeting and I'm not wishing them away. I'm merely writing about the hectic life of families from the inside out. Before kids, this just wasn't something I ever thought about. There is a season for everything. We left a season of just-the-two-of-us and now we're in the season of small children. Soon they will both sleep fully through the night and be weaned from breastmilk and the freedom to be up past 8:30 at night drinking that wine and cuddling on the couch and watching that TV show will be the present season. And then I'll miss those moments when they pass, too. Interesting, this life.

But for now, I miss my husband and know it's okay to miss the past while being excited about the present and the future. Ebb and flow. Ebb and flow.

The Best Day of My Life

Today, we celebrate five years married.

The days my children were born were not the best days of my life. Au contraire. The best day was marrying the best person I'd ever met in my life. The person who knows me better than anyone, supports me, and stands with me when the days seem unbearable. The one that cried on the couch with me day after day month and still loves me in that brokenness.

We usually celebrate specific days with the meals we ate on those days in real life, but we're switching things up a bit and going hibachi tonight. For our first date anniversary on May 28, we go out for Asian food. On June 15, our engagement day, we stay in and make burritos, just like we had the night we got engaged in Ray's Manhattan Beach apartment.

On our wedding day, we had a Mexican buffet complete with beans, steak and chicken fajitas, tortillas, salsas, guacamole, tortillas, and more. When we went to taste and select the menu from our required caterer for our reception location, we kindly asked if we could decline all of the package options and go with Mexican instead. Without hesitation, they were on board and the food was exceptional! I've never had Mexican food at a wedding, before or after our wedding, but it still remains my favorite food ever. And just to be even more cultured, all 100+ of our guests were eating their Mexican feasts at a Japanese garden! If you remember, my mom and I took B back to that garden to feed the Koi fish earlier this year during a visit to the motherland.

To celebrate our 5th anniversary (other than being traditional and actually buying something made of wood for my husband!), I wanted to share five of our favorite wedding photos. There are so many, but here are five...

The doors on the left were open and the breeze from the Pacific was amazing.

Photos after on the side of the church.

Back inside the church for more photos-- it was an Italian-inspired mansion before being sold and converted to a church.

Not sure what the conversation was here, but it made for a pretty fun photo.

Japanese garden reception. Our table was on the dance floor and was removed for lots of dancing later!

Just like losing Andrew, I'm all too aware that these years we have together are precious. I'm so thankful to have them and continue to cherish every moment we spend together. Hoping for many, many, many more.

The Many Hats of My Husband, Literally.

My husband has a problem. He likes hats a lot, but seems to have hat tragedies that somehow result in the loss of his beloved hat. Then, he moves on to another and before long... that one's a goner too!

Exhibit A: Circa 2006, pre-dating. I actually stole this photo from a friend's computer (thanks Jen!) because I had a crush on this guy. But, about the hat... I've never even (physically) seen the hat! It must've bit the dust before I came into the picture.

This would be our second date in May 2006. This Carhartt hat didn't stand a chance. We went to Magic Mountain (Six Flags, depending where you are in the country... everyone calls it a different name) and it was promptly lost on the log ride 5 months later.

Yet another hat that no longer can be found in our collection. It's December of 2006 and raining at the Manhattan Beach pier in Cali.

This was the best weekend of our lives (May 2007). I was sporting some new diamond earrings from my incredible boyfriend and he was sporting his "married" hat. He called it that because I purchased the hat and no single guy would ever wear it. Ha. This one took a disappearing act sometime later in the year. He hiked Mt. Whitney with it on and that is the last we've seen of it. It wins the award for longest lasting.

Ah, one of the many Pictage hats. Pictage is where he worked in LA after leaving the Air Force. Ironically, we're visiting the Air Force Academy in this photo during the summer of 2008. There were many of these hats and I believe my mom even lost one in Big Bear later that year as we flew across the water in their speed boat.

We stopped off at Bourbon Street in New Orleans after James & Carrie's wedding in Pensacola December of 2008. Here's a white Air Force hat that has been lucky enough to hang around, though it's probably because he doesn't really like white hats. It is rarely worn, hence has a longer staying power.

During Christmas of 2008, we both acquired new hats. This time, the L.L. Bean hat has lights. My mom thought it would come in handy. It actually has! This one is still with us because it's only usually worn on special occasions (aka: in the complete dark when a flashlight is unavailable).

During the summer of 2009, we visited Canada. Here we are in Jasper hanging out on a glacier. This hat is another "Life is Good" hat (just like the "married" hat) but this time it's blue with a fish on the front. Apparently the fish is more manly than a runner. We have no idea how it disappeared, but it's a goner.

Finally... this is the last hat we've purchased and seen disappear. We went to a soccer game in Germany during December of 2009. This hat didn't even leave Germany with us when we departed 3 months later. It was gone that fast. This one was left on an airplane and never to be seen again.

Now... I'm sure you all can sense my frustration and feelings of here we go again when I see my husband trying on new hats (as I did in the store just today!).  Perhaps we need that new Blackhawks hat? I may only allow for it if they actually win the Stanley Cup. :)

Does anyone have any solutions to the hat disappearing act we've been dealing with for years now?


{This entire post written with humor and sarcasm. Please don't be concerned that I'm really upset about hats. I just felt a picture documentary to be appropriate and... well... funny.}