I'm finding more and more that kids are sucking the life out of my marriage. Not that we are having issues, because we're totally fine. In fact, I'm not sure there is a soul on this planet who would understand me after losing Andrew quite like he does. Because he lost Andrew too. We both lost our son. We have a great time in the snippets we do converse with one another, but they're just snippets these days.
As soon as the husband gets home at night, it's like a shift change. I pass him off some of the duties as I tend to others or tend to neglected ones. He grabs a kid-- usually Benjamin-- and takes him to the park, plays with him, heads outside to work on yardwork with him, etc. I care for Claire and/or tend to the house or dinner.
Then it's bath, bed for the kids and bed for
I miss date nights and romantic walks on the beach. I miss the beach, but that's a whole other blog post. I miss thinking of creative ways to surprise one another and leisurely eating dinner with a few glasses of wine. I miss holding hands and going for bike rides and cuddling on the couch.
With the kids, there's just no time for one another. I could be making a huge generalization here, but it seems that families who live close to involved (as there is a difference) grandparents tend to be a little more carefree, a little less stressed, and have a little more romance in their relationships. I'm not talking anything sexual over here (but go ahead and assume that there's little time for any of that either), just connecting. Having time just to be with one another and enjoy being in love. Surely it's not like the butterfly fluttery days of our dating, engagement and first few years of marriage, but to make new memories and bring us back to when things were simpler and just about the two of us. Before grief.
I know these years are fleeting and I'm not wishing them away. I'm merely writing about the hectic life of families from the inside out. Before kids, this just wasn't something I ever thought about. There is a season for everything. We left a season of just-the-two-of-us and now we're in the season of small children. Soon they will both sleep fully through the night and be weaned from breastmilk and the freedom to be up past 8:30 at night drinking that wine and cuddling on the couch and watching that TV show will be the present season. And then I'll miss those moments when they pass, too. Interesting, this life.
But for now, I miss my husband and know it's okay to miss the past while being excited about the present and the future. Ebb and flow. Ebb and flow.