The Final Trimester

Well, this is it. I've entered the final trimester of pregnancy that I'll endure. It both terrifies me and thrills me that we've come this far with two babies after losing our first little love. That's a lot of weeks to cross your fingers and hope for the best.

A few things have been purchased for this baby, but none of which are uniquely hers. We bought another seat protector for our car and a crib sheet. We've been making arrangements that will hopefully become reality if we do have a daughter to bring home with us, but nothing is finalized to the point of certainty. I can just as easily use that crib sheet for Benjamin or chuck it. I even sucked it up yesterday and purchased the second seat for our stroller because I saw a deal that I didn't want to pass up. I sure hope that doesn't end up as a Craigslist ad instead.

The only other two things we'll definitely be purchasing are an air purifier for the nursery (since Benjamin will be using his in the big boy room) and a letter "C" to go in the nursery.

If she comes home with us in February, I'll be changing out the mobile in the nursery (we created after B came home alive) to pink birds and buying her some of her very own Aden & Anais blankets in a girly pattern. B is far too fond of his set to bother sharing.

As for pregnancy this go around... it's different. In general, the carrying part feels different. I can't even describe it. And then there's the part about my day job being different. I guess this is how it would've felt (minus the stress) if Andrew were alive and toddling around during my pregnancy with Benjamin. It's my first time parenting a toddler while gestating another. Let's just say that I'm not cut out to be a Duggar. This bending over, schlepping a toddler, dealing with tantrums business is hard work when there's a baby-a-cookin'.

Not just the physical demands, but the baby itself. She is not nearly as active as my two boys, which is maybe a good thing if she finally makes it home with us, but not so lovely during a high-risk pregnancy. As I have now reached my third trimester, the kick counts have begun, appointments are increasing, ultrasounds start weekly at 32w and NSTs begin at 34 weeks. It's all starting to become real.

Before now, I've lived in surprisingly calm territory using ignorance and busyness to distract. But now we're dealing with knowing that the baby would be alive when born. Yes, with complications and NICU time and all of that, but alive. These next 10+ weeks are going to c-r-a-w-l.

And quite possibly the greatest difference is dealing with my currently alive and well and high-maintenance toddler. He knows something is up and he's none-to-happy about the changes. He's been ultra clingy and mom-obsessed for the last couple weeks (a huge shift from not saying my name at all and choosing Daddy every time. Sort of love it and sort of hate it). Going upstairs for bath with Dad and without mom is equivalent to me abandoning him. At least that's what his shrieks and cries are telling me. It's heartbreaking. If I ask him where the baby is, he touches my belly. But really, he's never been around an infant so I have no idea if he even knows a baby from a bumble bee. Something tells me the transition to two living (gah) is not going to be a walk in the park. Not that anything ever has been. But just thinking that I might get to keep two of my babies would be worth the sleepless nights and endless tantrums.

We press on. Keep hopeful.

The Big Boy Room

Benjamin is still in his crib. And he loves it. Like, so much that I worry about switching him to a toddler bed because he sleeps so well and clearly feels very comfortable in his crib. Sleep at night ranges from 10-12 hours and naps are usually 2-3 hours long. When sleep is over, he often asks to be put back in his crib (after unsuccessfully trying to get in himself) to either jump, walk around, or lay down.

With the hope that we'll have a baby coming home to eventually take over said crib this winter, we're struggling with what to do with Benjamin. I don't want to buy two cribs, especially since Claire will hopefully be transitioned to that crib well past Benjamin turning two. If we're lucky, she'll be in the co-sleeper Benjamin used in our room for the first 3 months. And just like Benjamin, we'd like to transition her sometime at the end of spring into the real crib.

Which means he needs to get the boot. But sooner probably. Because we're concerned that he'll feel like he really is getting the proverbial boot because he has a little sister who is now invading his life and space. We don't want him to feel that way. Like, at all.

So our plan is to transition him before (if) she comes home. He'll have his own new room that are independent of her. After all, the crib will remain empty until months after she comes home, so the transition will be well in place and the thought of replacing him in the crib won't take place. Right?

But I'm nervous. He sleeps so well, you guys. And he loves that bed. And the transition plan we currently have in place is for DECEMBER. Like just a few weeks away.

In order to hopefully get the ball rolling on things and get him excited about the process and new things, we painted his eventual big boy room, bought a bed, new bedding, and moved many of the wall hangings and toys in there from the nursery. Some things stay behind as nursery decor, but other things are his for the win. We did this in September because I had a gift card paired with a sale at Sherwin-Williams to use for the paint. And if you know anything about Chicago weather, you know painting in the winter is not ideal because windows cannot be opened without reducing yourself to an icicle. And I'm not about letting that warm air we spend gobs on each month. Even with no-VOC paint, the primer was not no-VOC and it is still smelly to me. In fact, months later and I still think it stinks like new paint.

We got to work patching and cleaning the walls. The little boy who lived in there before really liked putting masking tape on his walls, which required a bit of sanding. There is a white chair rail in the room already, so we kept it. The room was already blue on bottom and white on top, but they used a thick brush to make textured brush lines that were just... ugly.

seewhatimean?

For a whole month after we finished his room, he was elated to go in there. He still likes it, but it's lost some of its luster. We even call it his big boy room and when we ask if he'd like to play in his big boy room, he runs, heads upstairs and charges down the hall to his room. He jumps on the bed. He lays on the bed. He plays with his toys. He pulls every single person anywhere within 50 feet of him into the closet where he has designated himself a fort. And closes the closet.

But I'm not sure he gets that the big boy room means no more sleeping in his beloved crib, in his beloved nursery.

These pictures are after I cleaned the train-wreck that it was yesterday. Just waiting for him to discover it's been cleaned and clear the books off the shelf in 4 seconds flat.

view from the hall

Toddler bed purchased because it was a floor model clearance from IKEA.
The cushion under is more for fort playing and is actually for outdoor chairs of which we don't own.
Will make for a good padding if he rolls off... or to help him up or out of the bed.

The white dresser is the one I refinished. It's bolted to the wall in three places. As is that corner shelf .

Curtains are the same we have in our bedroom. We love them. They're dark, dark, dark.

Had this baby since high school.

Nothing on the walls where the bed resides.
We have two frames to hang but having trouble deciding where to hang without leaving too much wallspace bare.

The moose was transferred as we made it during Benjamin's newborn days and just love it.
We replaced it with the ol' ABC chart passed down from Ray's cousin. We love that, too.

Since we're pregnant with a girl, the blue trunk is officially Benjamin's.
Air Force Academy Cadets all receive one and this was his dad's...still with his squadron # written on with black sharpie.

New clock. Hopefully we can teach him that he can only come out of his room when the little hands reaches the 7?

The two frames we have yet to hang...a Bears frame and his first stock from Tootsie Roll (Chicago company)

The closet, aka Benjamin's fort. That's a mattress top padding thing we bought and always hated on our bed.
If he sees you, you will be in that closet with a book and stern directions to turn on the light, sit & read. Be warned.

Paint: Sherwin-Williams: {top}: Icicle {bottom}: Bracing Blue
Bed: IKEA Kritter toddler bed, white + side rail
Bedding: IKEA white fitted sheet & Vandring Skogsliv duvet & duvet interior
Clock: IKEA Pugg
Rug: IKEA Lekplats
Dresser: Refinished piece of furniture
Bookshelf: IKEA, but no longer carried item & I have no idea the name
Car: Gift from friends
Moose: Project ala Benjamin's dad and my awesome husband (inspired by Anthropologie)
Curtains: IKEA Werna; curtain rod also IKEA Racka
Holdbacks: Menards

All is ready, as you can see. Sheets are cleaned and curtains are hung. And yet we're hesitant. It's not like we can't make do with the pack'n'play if we must once/if Claire is here safely and needs to transition from the co-sleeper. But, we don't want to mess with the psyche of our kids and confuse both of them. We want him to ideally transition well, love his big boy bed as much as his crib and stay happily playing until 7:30 each morning.

And to bring a baby girl home, have her in the co-sleeper for 3 months and transition her easily to the crib where she will sleep full nights by at least 6 months of age. I know this is all probably a pipe-dream, but dreams are dreams.

Advice for the parents who are a little scared to rock the boat with our toddler?

The Middle Name

Claire has a middle name already.

Andrew and Benjamin share my father-in-law's first name, Steven, as their middle name. I love that the name was carried through my boys to connect them. This being a girl and our last child, we are choosing a name from my family's side. If this baby were a third boy, his name would have been Charlie John-- Charlie as a "C" name we like and John as my father's first name.

But being that this baby is a girl, we are still choosing from my family's side. Believe it or not, my great grandmother is still alive at 98-years-old and has a beautiful spirit. She's always laughing and smiling. Her name is Madeline Mae. While we love both names, our daughter will carry her middle name as well.

Claire Mae.

A is for Andrew, B is for Benjamin and C is for...

The Wilsons are adding a final child to our clan this winter. Exactly four months from today, I am due with our only daughter and last child. I will never be pregnant again after February 11, 2014 and that couldn't make me more excited for this winter to arrive. Yes, Chicago winter. Bring it.

We've discussed at great length about adding more children to our family. We birthed two beautiful boys and only have one here to raise. He's a dream. A total bad boy at times and definitely mischievous, but such a salve that we needed so desperately. And he's nearly 20 months now if you can believe it! While we're thankful Andrew's little brother is in our lives, we know he loves other children. It's hard having lost our firstborn and having a second son but still being parents with only one child in our home. It just seems like Benjamin should have someone else, of course. Our family will always feel that way about Andrew missing. When Benjamin was born, I wanted him to have a sibling even more knowing we should have two here now. And because of our desire to give him that, we are pregnant once more. Fourth pregnancy, third child and only daughter.

Because this is our last child, I don't have any qualms about discussing names and details, mostly because there's nothing left after this. If this baby comes home with us as we hope (in a carseat, to clarify... ugh), we're 100% done. If something happens, we won't be able to handle the additional grief and still be the parents Benjamin needs, so we will not try again and therefore will be 100% done. The thought of losing two of our children brings me to my knees. Nothing is ever guaranteed and we know that.

Long before Andrew was even found to be a boy back on our second wedding anniversary in 2010, we had chosen a girl name. If Andrew had been a girl, he would've been Claire. If Benjamin had been a girl, he would've been Claire. And now that I'm really pregnant with a girl, she is Claire! I love that this name has been constant in our decision for all three of our babies. Not to mention, we love the A-B-C ritual of naming our children. Right after Benjamin's birth, my friend Brooke sent us a book to commemorate the birth of our new baby boy and also remember our first boy.

Each of the first three pages of this book prints the name of each of our children. The book is A My Name is Andrew and the first page is about a boy named Andrew who lives in Augusta. The second page is a girl named Becca who has a brother, Benjamin. The third page is about a girl named Claire who lives in Connecticut. It's an alliterative book, as you might have gathered, but still awesome that all three of our their names are on the first three pages.

Since this has been one of the least sarcastic posts ever on this blog, I must end with a little extra edge. Compliments of my friend Caroline who is also due with her second rainbow this winter... I wanted to add what we were chatting about during our brainstorming session about when I'd "out" myself on the ol' blog.

"C' is for Claire but also stands for caution --  we are still so scared. Also, be cautious of any silly things you might say regarding the assurance this baby is coming home in that carseat, because "C" also stands for crazy town and I might just go there.

All in good fun, of course, but really, it's another pregnancy and another mixed bag of emotions, exhaustion, and grieving our firstborn who would probably love to know he has two siblings who will also always wonder and grieve the brother he would've been. A great one-- I'm sure.

Here's to another 4 months of anxiety and hope. And burning those maternity clothes.