Friday, October 11, 2013

A is for Andrew, B is for Benjamin and C is for...

Wordle: Claire

The Wilsons are adding a final child to our clan this winter. Exactly four months from today, I am due with our only daughter and last child. I will never be pregnant again after February 11, 2014 and that couldn't make me more excited for this winter to arrive. Yes, Chicago winter. Bring it.

We've discussed at great length about adding more children to our family. We birthed two beautiful boys and only have one here to raise. He's a dream. A total bad boy at times and definitely mischievous, but such a salve that we needed so desperately. And he's nearly 20 months now if you can believe it! While we're thankful Andrew's little brother is in our lives, we know he loves other children. It's hard having lost our firstborn and having a second son but still being parents with only one child in our home. It just seems like Benjamin should have someone else, of course. Our family will always feel that way about Andrew missing. When Benjamin was born, I wanted him to have a sibling even more knowing we should have two here now. And because of our desire to give him that, we are pregnant once more. Fourth pregnancy, third child and only daughter.

Because this is our last child, I don't have any qualms about discussing names and details, mostly because there's nothing left after this. If this baby comes home with us as we hope (in a carseat, to clarify... ugh), we're 100% done. If something happens, we won't be able to handle the additional grief and still be the parents Benjamin needs, so we will not try again and therefore will be 100% done. The thought of losing two of our children brings me to my knees. Nothing is ever guaranteed and we know that.

Long before Andrew was even found to be a boy back on our second wedding anniversary in 2010, we had chosen a girl name. If Andrew had been a girl, he would've been Claire. If Benjamin had been a girl, he would've been Claire. And now that I'm really pregnant with a girl, she is Claire! I love that this name has been constant in our decision for all three of our babies. Not to mention, we love the A-B-C ritual of naming our children. Right after Benjamin's birth, my friend Brooke sent us a book to commemorate the birth of our new baby boy and also remember our first boy.


Each of the first three pages of this book prints the name of each of our children. The book is A My Name is Andrew and the first page is about a boy named Andrew who lives in Augusta. The second page is a girl named Becca who has a brother, Benjamin. The third page is about a girl named Claire who lives in Connecticut. It's an alliterative book, as you might have gathered, but still awesome that all three of our their names are on the first three pages.

Since this has been one of the least sarcastic posts ever on this blog, I must end with a little extra edge. Compliments of my friend Caroline who is also due with her second rainbow this winter... I wanted to add what we were chatting about during our brainstorming session about when I'd "out" myself on the ol' blog.

"C' is for Claire but also stands for caution --  we are still so scared. Also, be cautious of any silly things you might say regarding the assurance this baby is coming home in that carseat, because "C" also stands for crazy town and I might just go there.

All in good fun, of course, but really, it's another pregnancy and another mixed bag of emotions, exhaustion, and grieving our firstborn who would probably love to know he has two siblings who will also always wonder and grieve the brother he would've been. A great one-- I'm sure.

Here's to another 4 months of anxiety and hope. And burning those maternity clothes.

26 comments:

Amy L. said... [Reply to comment]

Congratulations, Brandy!

Becky said... [Reply to comment]

Love that book!!! And congrats on adding a daughter to the family.

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

A girl! Oh Brandy! Tears of joy. I know all too well the ifs and the sensation of being done. Pregnancy after loss is exhausting and emotionally crippling, we are with you every step of the way. Sending you love and courage.

Wee baby Claire. We love you already!

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

OH and for the record...burning the maternity clothes FEELS AMAZING!

Mama Bear said... [Reply to comment]

Smiles all around.

Claire is lucky to have such wonderful parents and big brothers. I wish you looked like a family of five from the outside.

What a cool book. I love awesome Bear books and really neat that all three of your kids are included.

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

I say one day when you guys finally decide to become dog people - you give the dog a D name. D is for Dog after all.

I love all three of your babies and hope so very much that you'll get to raise two of them.

Laura McCannell said... [Reply to comment]

Love Claire so much already. Congratulations once again. xox

Flmgodog said... [Reply to comment]

Oh my gosh - very happy news indeed! I know how nerve wracking this gestating time can be.
Like others have said burning the maternity clothes is amazing especially for a baby loss mama. I too knew that the pregnancy with my boys was the LAST one no matter what. I have never been so happy to close a chapter of my life.
I just had to add I have had an incredibly trying week. I lost two very close friends this week. While at the funeral of one of my friends yesterday their was a little boy, Benjamin. He looked so much like your little Benjamin but just a few years older. I was watching him play right before the funeral began. As others were preparing for the funeral to begin his mother called him and his brother (who I had not yet noticed)over. His brother probably about two-ish years older...Andrew. I wish I would have taken a picture. The resemblance to your Benjamin was C-R-A-Z-Y.

Veronica said... [Reply to comment]

Love your A-B-C babies.
And another February babe... Love
(even though that girl might make her debut in January.. Still love February babies!)
Congratulations brandy! I hope to be in that place in the near future where I feel done with babies and pregnancy. Whether it be deciding Theo is an only, or going for it one-last-time. Ugh! May these next 4 months be kind to you. Sending love

Unexpected Delays said... [Reply to comment]

I was wondering when another baby was coming. I am so happy for you.

You will be in my thoughts daily :)

I'm sure you will treasure that book from your friend forever.

Melissa

LookItsJessica said... [Reply to comment]

Wow! I had a feeling you were pregnant! Congratulations! Lovely name!

Rachel said... [Reply to comment]

Congrats! And, I hope you are maintaining your sanity. Looking forward to reading your thoughts on second rainbow pregnancy.

Jessica said... [Reply to comment]

Oh Sweet Claire! So much love for you already. My heart is bursting with excitement for Andrew and Benjamin's little sister. May the next four months pass with ease and so very much hope for Claire's safe arrival

Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

Happy happy joy joy! Hadn't seen pics of you for some time so was curious! :)
Claire is such a sweet name-love it!
Hopefully well have one coming soon...if its a boy it's already been designated a c name years ago!
Blessings to you all!

My New Normal said... [Reply to comment]

Hooray! I'm so happy for you. Claire is a beautiful name.

Amelia said... [Reply to comment]

Beyond wonderful news!! Sending light and love and calm thoughts!

Addi's mom said... [Reply to comment]

Love the A-B-C's!

Natasha said... [Reply to comment]

The ABCs are awesome :) Love Claire <3

Renel said... [Reply to comment]

I love you and your babies. Yay for finding the courage to out yourself! It is so hard when there are so many emotions. Hugs mama. Can't wait to see if she looks more like Andrew or Benjamin

JoyAndSorrow said... [Reply to comment]

So happy for you!!!

And I'm with you on the burning the maternity clothes thing...Still haven't quite figured out how to respond when people seem surprised when I Say I'm "done". ~Lindsay

ekiwi said... [Reply to comment]

So much love for you all!!! Sending peace your way (and hope that you've talked Ray out of any "O" middle name that would leave her with such bovine initials:))

Darcey said... [Reply to comment]

Claire is perfect...love the A-B-C theme. That will be something your living children will always be able to talk about and include Andrew in without even thinking twice :)

katie illingworth said... [Reply to comment]

:) Happy

Anne said... [Reply to comment]

Congratulations! I find it best just to embrace the crazy when it comes to subsequent pregnancies ;)

Party of Three Heads said... [Reply to comment]

Love Claire! So precious. Congrats to you and the boys, too. I had a feeling you were expecting the other day by something I had read on instagram. Hoping these last months fly by for you... (I totally get the burning the clothes thing.... I dread ever having to wear them again)

Solange, Nik, Caitlin and Oliver said... [Reply to comment]

YAY!!! Love the name Claire :) Love you guys!