Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The Final Trimester

Well, this is it. I've entered the final trimester of pregnancy that I'll endure. It both terrifies me and thrills me that we've come this far with two babies after losing our first little love. That's a lot of weeks to cross your fingers and hope for the best.

A few things have been purchased for this baby, but none of which are uniquely hers. We bought another seat protector for our car and a crib sheet. We've been making arrangements that will hopefully become reality if we do have a daughter to bring home with us, but nothing is finalized to the point of certainty. I can just as easily use that crib sheet for Benjamin or chuck it. I even sucked it up yesterday and purchased the second seat for our stroller because I saw a deal that I didn't want to pass up. I sure hope that doesn't end up as a Craigslist ad instead.

The only other two things we'll definitely be purchasing are an air purifier for the nursery (since Benjamin will be using his in the big boy room) and a letter "C" to go in the nursery.

If she comes home with us in February, I'll be changing out the mobile in the nursery (we created after B came home alive) to pink birds and buying her some of her very own Aden & Anais blankets in a girly pattern. B is far too fond of his set to bother sharing.

As for pregnancy this go around... it's different. In general, the carrying part feels different. I can't even describe it. And then there's the part about my day job being different. I guess this is how it would've felt (minus the stress) if Andrew were alive and toddling around during my pregnancy with Benjamin. It's my first time parenting a toddler while gestating another. Let's just say that I'm not cut out to be a Duggar. This bending over, schlepping a toddler, dealing with tantrums business is hard work when there's a baby-a-cookin'.

Not just the physical demands, but the baby itself. She is not nearly as active as my two boys, which is maybe a good thing if she finally makes it home with us, but not so lovely during a high-risk pregnancy. As I have now reached my third trimester, the kick counts have begun, appointments are increasing, ultrasounds start weekly at 32w and NSTs begin at 34 weeks. It's all starting to become real.

Before now, I've lived in surprisingly calm territory using ignorance and busyness to distract. But now we're dealing with knowing that the baby would be alive when born. Yes, with complications and NICU time and all of that, but alive. These next 10+ weeks are going to c-r-a-w-l.

And quite possibly the greatest difference is dealing with my currently alive and well and high-maintenance toddler. He knows something is up and he's none-to-happy about the changes. He's been ultra clingy and mom-obsessed for the last couple weeks (a huge shift from not saying my name at all and choosing Daddy every time. Sort of love it and sort of hate it). Going upstairs for bath with Dad and without mom is equivalent to me abandoning him. At least that's what his shrieks and cries are telling me. It's heartbreaking. If I ask him where the baby is, he touches my belly. But really, he's never been around an infant so I have no idea if he even knows a baby from a bumble bee. Something tells me the transition to two living (gah) is not going to be a walk in the park. Not that anything ever has been. But just thinking that I might get to keep two of my babies would be worth the sleepless nights and endless tantrums.

We press on. Keep hopeful.

9 comments:

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

I cannot begin to fathom the exhaustion of a busy toddler and growing bump. Ava was a quiet girl and I remember thanking the stars for Lillian's bouncy behaviour(... this as I listen to her scream from her crib. That bouncy behaviour is a blessing and a curse!)

10 weeks. Oi. It is exhausting to think about. You have made 30. That alone needs to be focused on as much as the 10. You have managed 30 weeks, she has hung on 30 weeks. 10 more, one quarter left.

We are all holding our breath and asking Claire to hang on. Soon, Mama. Soon.

Unexpected Delays said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking happy and positive thoughts for your and your family :)

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

I totally relate on the clingy mamas boy - love it and hate it and makes me totally stressed for when he wants that attention and I hopefully can't give it to him all the time. I hear "mama nuggle, mama nuggle" about fifty times a day. Cute if asked nicely. Obnoxious as hell when he's whiney.

4th quarter Claire. We are all rooting for you.

Kari at A Grace Full Life said... [Reply to comment]

The Duggars DO have older girl minions to take care of all those babies, in your defense.

I am thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers at night.

Big fat hugs.

Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

thinking amazing thoughts for all the wilsons! prayers and many blessings!

Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

I can imagine the stress of pregnancy anxiety + toddler parenting + typical pregnancy exhaustion + everything else you do in your life that's not directly related to Benjamin = a lot.

I know the next 10 weeks seem to stretch on forever, but I'm so glad you're in trimester #3 and I'm hoping so hard that everything goes smoothly and you bring home Baby Claire alive and well in her carseat with no scary hospital stuff.

Darcey said... [Reply to comment]

10 weeks to go wow!! I know they are going to crawl, but I am sure B will keep you moving(like you have a choice HA!)and these next 2months will pick up some steam. Thinking of you especially as we draw closer to December.

Proud of you for making some purchases, I know it must be tough. Sending tons of positivity your way.

Jessica said... [Reply to comment]

Ten weeks...wow!

So much hope and love coming your way! So wishing you didn't have to say "if" but know and understand why you have to.

JoyAndSorrow said... [Reply to comment]

Very behind on the blogging and just snagging a minute to read a couple...Which yours is always one I like to check in on. : ) I a so with you on most of this. It is tough business being pregnant with a toddler running around AND with the grief and just EVERYTHING. Massive hugs your way. I, too, was so stressed out as I got further along because like you I kept thinking the same things...Baby could be born ALIVE. *sigh* Thinking of you and all the women I know expecting rainbows. It's such a tough journey as you know. I hope this time FLIES for you. Much love to you and ALL of your babies. xo ~Lindsay