Wednesday, September 18, 2013

98 Days. Gulp.

I read on a blog today that we're under the 100 day mark until Christmas. Which means we're close to 2014. Which means we are even closer to a certain beloved boy's 3rd should-be-awesome-but-it's-gonna-suck birthday.

I won't carry on about the cool things he'd be doing, saying, or bringing home from preschool. Okay, maybe that was enough.


I'm never ready for the seasons to change because that means we'll be at another candlelight vigil {just like my friend Brooke commented about yesterday} instead of excitedly pulling out the Christmas ornaments and decorating the tree. We'll still do that, but it still stings. We decorated our tree and home hours before delivering Andrew. Then we got to come home to all that festive crap, making the holiday sting even more painful. Not that I wanted him to die ever, but I sure wouldn't have chosen a December doomsday.

We had to turn down a Christmas party already because it landed on the dreaded 5th and of course that day is not a day to party it up for our family. We'll have a sensible dinner at the same local restaurant we went to last year and a dessert in honor of our firstborn. We'll attend the remembrance ceremony, light a candle and hang an ornament on the multiple trees they provide at the local ceremony for our dead children.



Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

I saw Christmas ornaments at Costco a couple weeks ago and almost threw up.

Such a gross time of year.

I cannot reconcile it. I never will. Somehow at that time of year the hole in my life, my heart, my soul is so wide open. Achingly difficult.

You are not alone in that.

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

I need to write a post about December. I hate it for so many of you. It's dreary and dark and I hate that my son won't be eagerly looking forward to Santa and presents. But. But, God I hope this December rocks. I hope there is some sparkle from Texas that helps an otherwise dark, dark month for so many. And if, IF, there is. I will be so happy. And feel so guilty. Ugh. December.

Solange, Nik, Caitlin and Oliver said... [Reply to comment]

Huge hugs for you, dear friend. I've always loved Christmas time and December is always a month I look forward to but since Andrew it's not the same because I know you are hurting so much. That day is always heavy in my heart.

Amelia said... [Reply to comment]

As soon as August ended my spirits just sank. I felt almost like a normal person for a whole month. But September rolls in and it's the beginning of the end for the rest of this year. Blarg.
Sending love to you.

Mama Bear said... [Reply to comment]

Even without a December doomsday, Thanksgiving and Christmas feel really hard. My SIL just e-mailed about when we're celebrating and presents and I had to force myself to send back a normal non-Scrooge response. bah humbug.

Mama Bear said... [Reply to comment]

And I hope the sparkle from Texas lights up all of our worlds!

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

Oh I hope from a joyous light from Texas. I think that would provide some joy at a dark time.

Jessica said... [Reply to comment]

Gulp indeed...I am so not ready for December. The third one...ugh.

I hope with all my heart that a sweet little light from Texas brings joy to us all!!!

Party of Three Heads said... [Reply to comment]

Always thinking about our boy, but he'll most certainly be on my heart even more as his birthday approaches. My dreaded day is approaching very fast..... ick.

Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

I always think of him...and you, and your family.
I will always remember Andrews birthday as its one day after mine. He's so special!

Veronica said... [Reply to comment]

I have been SO BAD at remembering days for BLMs I've kept in touch with. I remember months...and then by the time the day actually comes and goes...I'm days, if not weeks, late.

But there is something about the fall/winter grief season that stings so much. It's all the holiday crap for sure that our children will never be able to really be a part of they way they should that cuts so deep.

Christmas will NEVER be the same. I'm so sorry that your season is so devastating. Just so damn sorry.

Veronica said... [Reply to comment]

But i just want to add that December babies are pretty freakin awesome. Andrew is awesome and beautiful.

I'm a December baby (dec 20, almost a Christmas baby) and my birthday will never be the same - as I'm sure a lot of us feel about our birthdays now - but wrapped up in so much Christmas birthday stuff is hard when someone is missing.

Laura McCannell said... [Reply to comment]

Andrew is so beloved and remembered. And missed beyond words.

I'm excited for fall, but I am still scrooging over the Christmas holidays. bah

Darcey said... [Reply to comment]

With fall at our doorstep, as mild as fall is down here, I can already feel the anxiety building. I am dreading December with you my friend!!

JoyAndSorrow said... [Reply to comment]

Oh God. Just so many mixed feelings. Trying to look forward to William's first Christmas (and Evelyn was sick with what we think was the flu and 103 degree fever last Christmas, which was the first Christmas she was old enough to potentially enjoy). Holding out hope that this Christmas will be really special for our family while knowing it will be so hard without Elias here.
I agree with you that there's no ideal time for a tragedy obviously, but it just seems like an extra insult to lose a child so close to Christmas, just weeks away from it. The 5th for Andrew, the 6th for Eliza, the 9th for Elias. And so many others I'm sure. *sigh*