Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Bah Humbug.

Feeling sad today. I just have no desire to celebrate Christmas this year.

I'm glad the Christmas tree and decorations were already hanging, otherwise I'm not certain they would've been taken out of the boxes.

My husband is incredible. I'm not sure what happens to a person after they go through losing someone they love, but I'm attached to him. Normally I enjoy my space, but I just want to be next to him and anticipate him arriving home every night. I always love that time, but I especially need him right now. My poor husband's 29th birthday came on Monday and it was a bit more somber this year. On December 5th, our son's birthday, we had reservations to have a romantic fondue dinner downtown. We didn't make that reservation as I was just 3 hours from delivering our son and in active labor. We decided to eat there for his birthday instead. It wasn't quite the birthday present I had in mind to give him. What I wouldn't give to have been able to bless him with a son-- to make him a father. I know we'll get there. He will be a dad and I will be a mom.

To pass the time, we have planned a few things to look forward to. On Christmas Eve, we're going away to a hotel a few hours away. I don't know the logistics because it's a secret. I love secrets planned by Ray. In February, we're headed to the Bahamas. We were meant to fly to California around that time for our post-baby shower to share Andrew with our friends and family. Again, I just can't go through with that. We re-booked and are now headed to Florida for a cruise. I am very much looking forward to that time. It's almost like being married all over again. We are trying to have more date nights because that's just where we started. We started as two and we're still at that point. All things considered, I am in love with the husband God blessed me with. Above all, he is my constant and my love. I know that having met and married him means my life has been enriched. While I long for a child, some of my friends are still waiting for their soulmate. I am forever thankful for already having found him. It doesn't change that I had to say goodbye to my son 10 days ago, but it does put life into perspective and make you focus on what you currently have and are thankful for.

These infant photos on facebook and it seems everywhere I go are rough. I want to feel happy for my friends and those strangers out there, but I don't. I hate that part of myself, but it's just not something I'm ready for at this point. It's still too fresh. Two weeks ago, I was meant to be a mom also.

I am slowly healing. Emotionally, I will take some time. I've cried every single day, but it seems to be getting easier. I doubt it will be consistent and I hate that I have lost control of my emotions. Physically, it's slow. I'm ten days post-delivery and I'm not enjoying my mom-body. It also doesn't help that I cannot workout right now. I desperately want to go for a jog or jump on an elliptical. I realize many women who have children feel this way about their bodies post-delivery. But, my situation is different. I sit around my house in emotional and physical pain just wishing it all away.

Time will heal... but does it have to be going by so slow? I'm ready to wish 2010 goodbye. Despite all the great times, it brought the worst day of my life. Maybe 2011 will bring parenthood to a reality.


Ashley said... [Reply to comment]

I am still praying for the Lord to help provide peace and comfort for you and your husband during this difficult time in your lives. I am truely so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine any of what you're having to go through.

Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

A surprise hotel stay is SOOOO much fun! I'm glad you guys are going to the Bahamas-that'll be so great. I love the idea of date nights and enjoying your married time. 2011 will be WAY better :)

d.a.r. said... [Reply to comment]

A surprise night out sounds like a brilliant idea. I am praying for yall. 2011 is going to be a BETTER year!

JoyAndSorrow said... [Reply to comment]

I know you wrote this post some time ago, so I just wanted to say that I hope by now you've come to realize that you both already ARE parents. You loved and cared for Andrew in every way you could. He will always be your son. (hugs)