It was brought to my attention yesterday in talking with my best friend Alison that this blog triggers emotions in other people. Obviously, I knew that because I'm an avid blog reader myself of both friends and complete strangers.
I have to tell you, readers, (no offense) that blogging isn't about you. I started blogging as a way to communicate with our families once we found out we were leaving our Redondo Beach, California beach bungalow and moving to the cold Chicago suburbs. Being a So. Cal native, I knew it would be nice if we could keep in touch by way of photos and updates. I also have a journalism degree and enjoy writing. If no one read this, I would still write.
So now, the blog's purpose is different. From December 5th up until this point (and beyond), this blog has changed. In the future, I hope it finds another purpose again as we heal enough to carry on. What I wouldn't give to have gone from marriage-->traveling-->purchasing our first home-->pregnancy-->having our first baby alive-->one month updates of our little one. But, life isn't perfect and crappy things happen to good people. So... the blog currently serves the following purposes:
- therapy. It's selfishly for me. When my doctor recommended a women's group at the hospital to share with other bereaved parents, I decided against it. I didn't want to re-hash those feelings on a monthly basis when I already do that regularly enough. I just didn't want more reasons to feel sorry for myself or others. We have undergone tragic events and yes, those are the only people who will ever really understand this type of loss we're experiencing. But... I don't want to carry on their burdens, too, and struggle with seeing them at the grocery store. I just can't. I have to press on. With that said, I have many bloggy friends (they don't know we're friends, but in many ways, I feel like we're best friends) whom I communicate with or read about daily. Seeing them cope helps me find a new normal.
- updates about what we're doing. I have been failing at this and what used to be a happy blog has sadly become a debby downer. Rest assured, we are laughing, crying, going out in public (not often, but I still get credit), living normal lives, cleaning our house, cooking dinner, etc. We're still people, just sad and broken people with a very empty nursery (here I go again depressing you). We recently had our families visit and we did some shopping, traveling to Michigan, wine tasting, chocolate cafe eating, restaurant eating... and I have a few photos. Haven't posted them... don't know why.
- to let you know I haven't killed myself. Yeah, grim, I realize that. But, I know how scary it is to have postpartum depression and since I don't even have the child I carried for nearly 10 months, I would say I'm a pretty good candidate. I know you people visit this blog to make sure I'm still alive and haven't done something drastic. Rest assured, I'm not crazy, just sad and confused. I have not and will never confuse my kitchen utensils as torture devices. I am not a gun owner. I have never tried and will never try drugs. I am moody though... and many say that's probably a more powerful weapon. So watch out. The periods are back and I'm still a hormonal and sad person/bereaved mom.
This PSA brought to you by a woman who really should be working out or patching the bloody holes in the laundry room so we can get to painting soon. Instead, I'm blogging (like I said, therapy) and eating a big ol' bowl of spaghetti. I might cry, too. Just because... you know... I can.
Heartbreak and Healing
10 months ago