Tuesday, January 11, 2011


It was brought to my attention yesterday in talking with my best friend Alison that this blog triggers emotions in other people. Obviously, I knew that because I'm an avid blog reader myself of both friends and complete strangers.

I have to tell you, readers, (no offense) that blogging isn't about you. I started blogging as a way to communicate with our families once we found out we were leaving our Redondo Beach, California beach bungalow and moving to the cold Chicago suburbs. Being a So. Cal native, I knew it would be nice if we could keep in touch by way of photos and updates. I also have a journalism degree and enjoy writing. If no one read this, I would still write.

So now, the blog's purpose is different. From December 5th up until this point (and beyond), this blog has changed. In the future, I hope it finds another purpose again as we heal enough to carry on. What I wouldn't give to have gone from marriage-->traveling-->purchasing our first home-->pregnancy-->having our first baby alive-->one month updates of our little one. But, life isn't perfect and crappy things happen to good people. So... the blog currently serves the following purposes:

- therapy. It's selfishly for me. When my doctor recommended a women's group at the hospital to share with other bereaved parents, I decided against it. I didn't want to re-hash those feelings on a monthly basis when I already do that regularly enough. I just didn't want more reasons to feel sorry for myself or others. We have undergone tragic events and yes, those are the only people who will ever really understand this type of loss we're experiencing. But... I don't want to carry on their burdens, too, and struggle with seeing them at the grocery store. I just can't. I have to press on. With that said, I have many bloggy friends (they don't know we're friends, but in many ways, I feel like we're best friends) whom I communicate with or read about daily. Seeing them cope helps me find a new normal.

- updates about what we're doing. I have been failing at this and what used to be a happy blog has sadly become a debby downer. Rest assured, we are laughing, crying, going out in public (not often, but I still get credit), living normal lives, cleaning our house, cooking dinner, etc. We're still people, just sad and broken people with a very empty nursery (here I go again depressing you). We recently had our families visit and we did some shopping, traveling to Michigan, wine tasting, chocolate cafe eating, restaurant eating... and I have a few photos. Haven't posted them... don't know why.

- to let you know I haven't killed myself. Yeah, grim, I realize that. But, I know how scary it is to have postpartum depression and since I don't even have the child I carried for nearly 10 months, I would say I'm a pretty good candidate. I know you people visit this blog to make sure I'm still alive and haven't done something drastic. Rest assured, I'm not crazy, just sad and confused. I have not and will never confuse my kitchen utensils as torture devices. I am not a gun owner. I have never tried and will never try drugs. I am moody though... and many say that's probably a more powerful weapon. So watch out. The periods are back and I'm still a hormonal and sad person/bereaved mom.

This PSA brought to you by a woman who really should be working out or patching the bloody holes in the laundry room so we can get to painting soon. Instead, I'm blogging (like I said, therapy) and eating a big ol' bowl of spaghetti. I might cry, too. Just because... you know... I can.


The Troyers said... [Reply to comment]

This is the first time that I've commented, but I've been reading your blog for a few months now. (I discovered you off Casey's blog The Ever Changing Life...)

While your story stirs emotions in me and makes me cry with you, I don't mind it at all. I'm so happy that you are brave and strong enough to share it all with us. I'm amazed.

Since reading your story I have recruited so many of my family and friends to send prayers to you and Ray. I too think like you in that, when you follow someone's blog and get to know so much about them you do feel like friends!

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers often!

Much love!

Darren and Shona Tavitian said... [Reply to comment]

I have never posted on your blog either, but like you, I am an avid blog reader of both family and strangers! I realize that we are the latter, I found your blog through the Rohde Family's.
And though your posts have stirred up emotions in me, I have never thought for one second that you shouldn't keep updating your blog. Blogging is great therapy and most importantly it's YOUR BLOG - you can do whatever you want with it.
I've prayed for you and your husband and you both are in my thoughts often, even if we have never formally met.

xoxo - shona

ps - good luck with the laundry room! :) wall paper is a pain in the ass!

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through. Your PSA was greatly appreciated, but I really disagree with you on what blogging is all about. If people are not able to accept the good and bad comments on their blogging site, they should take it private. They really seem able to dish it out, but when some negativity comes their way, they rant. If is not about the readers, and your purpose is only to share updates, then only go to invited readers. Sorry you have to take the good with the bad.

Team Clancy said... [Reply to comment]

Good for you! Blogging should be about and for you, no matter what the subject matter. I feel as though we are friends, i have been reading for a while and oddly we live quite close. In fact you sub in the district that I work, I think We have never met and probably never will, but the day I read about your loss, my heart broke. Anyone who thinks that you should not be blogging because it is too depressing needs to simply stop reading. Keep blogging, whether it be about Andrew or wallpaper, it is good for the soul!

d.a.r. said... [Reply to comment]

I've been reading your blog for a long time now...I rejoiced when I found out you were pregnant, I cheered with you as your due date grew near, and I cried while you two grieved your loss. I know we've never met, but I feel like we are friends. And if we were friends in real life, we would talk about this and I hope you would feel free to tell me how you feel. It's your blog. It's your real life. It isn't always going to be rainbows and sparkles...but that's life.

I am glad you are blogging about it and working through your grief. I would really be concerned if you weren't!!!

Take care.

Sneaker Teacher said... [Reply to comment]

Always thinking about you guys! Take care of yourself!!!!


Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

B- you're awesome and your blog inspires me in many ways. It takes courage to put yourself and all you're going through out there. Know that I feel you're pain and have you in my thoughts on the regular. Take care of you and Elliot - Samiya

Newlywed Next Door said... [Reply to comment]

You shouldn't have to justify the content of your blog. It's your blog and it's real. You're going through a really tough time and blogging is great therapy.

Sending you big virtual hugs!

PS - I didn't realize you were from Redondo Beach -- I lived in Manhattan Beach for several years and now I live in Long Beach.