Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Blindly Pressing Forward

I've had a few scares the last couple days. Well, only one scare where we discussed the option of calling my OB but were relieved by kicks moments later. And then it set me on edge for a few days after. I feel like I'm "coming down" from that insanity now, like it ever really goes away for very long.

I've started kick counts and I've never done those before. I realize "they" say that kick counts could help the mother determine a change over time and therefore prevent a stillbirth by acknowledging a decrease in movement. But what if the movement decreases for a few hours (like not feeling anything) and then the kicks are nonstop for an hour a bit later? Babies have sleep cycles. I know this. Babies grow most while sleeping and need to sleep. I know this. That sure doesn't help my anxiety any, of course.

And how about it being so unscientific, these kick counts and other methods of attempting to avert disaster? I just hate how there is no control. I've never, ever had control and I'm aware of it. It doesn't mean I like it or am handling it well by any means. His movements are changing. They're still present, but he's filling out his space so well that he doesn't punch as much and has now moved on to rolling motions. My OB even commented about this likely being a big baby... whatever that means. NSTs will start this month along with extra monitoring as I approach what should be considered the home stretch. Again, whatever that means.

We're in the 50's. As in, I'll be holding a child, of mine, in my arms at some point in the next 50+ days. Only time will tell if that child will be healthy and alive. I just can't lose another baby that could be viable and alive and well and healthy outside of my womb. And there's no telling I would or should. Millions upon millions of women give birth every year to babies. Babies who are born healthy without extra monitoring or kick counts or fanaticism. I never hear of stillbirth in my real life pocket. Not with friends, co-workers, parents of students. Maybe they aren't telling. Maybe it's happening out there (well, it is to about 26,000/year). But I sure don't know about it. What I do know is that everyone and their freaking best friend is either pregnant or delivering healthy babies all around me. It's got to be my turn, right? Right?

We talk to this baby nonstop. Part of me is trying anything to just bond so that maybe my words or the amount of I love yous I blurt out will somehow result in a live child. Like I didn't talk to Andrew just as much or rub my belly enough to save his life. No amount of being frantic can control the fate I will be served.

I have fears of PTSD and PPD and all those things as well. But right now, I just need a live baby. My own crazy can be dealt with as it needs to be once this little one is safely alive in my arms.

Godspeed, my child. I promise I will spoil you and pick you up nonstop and do all those things those stupid parenting books tell me not to because of attachment or whatever. Those books have long since been shelved as I fully intend to cradle you and smother you with so much love. You have no idea.


Kelly said... [Reply to comment]

I was just telling a friend today that both of the hospitals I delivered in told me not to hold the baby in bed with me while I was sleeping. And I didn't while I was at the hospital, as to not get a lecture about it. Try and stop me this time! I don't think I'll ever put her down, and I'll throat punch anyone that tells me otherwise!

Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

I am so excited for you guys! I hope the next 50 days SPEED by and you can finally hold your little boy!!!

Melissa @ A Dozen Years Later said... [Reply to comment]

Hang in there friend :) I am hoping a speedy and worry free next 50 ish days for you.. although that is easier said than done. I never believe those books anyway that said you cam spoil babies by holding them too much... I simply don't sgree with it!!

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

You are supposed to get a little crazy near the end. You are supposed to if you were NORMAL, and you, my dear, are far from that. How can you be after all you went through? So the way I see it, bring on the crazy!? Be as neurotic as you need to be. In the meantime. we'll be praying, hoping, and sending good vibes baby Flip's way, anxious to meet him and see how beautiful he is. I'm guessing, if he's anything like his brother, he'll be a knock out.

Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

Baby Flip,
Please keep kicking for your mama even if it's in your sleep!
She loves you very much and is actually asking you to kick you must start your listening skills now and obey her! Oh and you can work on your lacrosse skills for your dad in there too!
Love your aunt Kate...ok kind of! rock!

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

I've been where you are now. I know your feelings, so I'm praying that this is your turn. hugs to you.

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

I was just telling D tonight after a breakdown that I just wanted her to get here so I can start the next scary part of our journey and get counseling for that. It has to be our turn for happiness. I can't deal with much more devastation. Thinking and praying for you too.

Courtney said... [Reply to comment]

I was absolutely neurotic from the moment I could feel my baby moving - and I don't have the history you do. I can't even imagine how frightening this all is for you. Be as crazy as you need to be - no one can expect you to be calm about this. Even those of us who have not been through what you have can nod our heads in agreement and compassion for you when you say you just want him to get here and be alive and well. We all want that for you too!

LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

Dear baby boy- please kick your momma as much as possible. Please baby, please.

Also, I hear you on ppd & PTSD. 100%

Amelia said... [Reply to comment]

Sending light and love, I wish I had more.
What I called cuddle naps saved my sleep deprived self, I'd prop myself up in bed a bit and G would sleep on my chest while I napped as well. They were glorious. I wish them for you.

SG said... [Reply to comment]

Kick, baby boy, kick! Hang in there. Hopefully the NSTs will give a little more peace of mind. We've been talking with our OB about how soon we can reasonably start them, too.

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

50ish days! Holy crap! I can't imagine how stressed out you are- I hope the little one keeps kicking the crap out of you and reassuring you that all is fine!

Hope's Mama said... [Reply to comment]

It is SO hard. You are doing a wonderful job. This post brings back so many memories and strong emotions for me. I've done it twice, and it scares me just thinking about it.

Darcey said... [Reply to comment]

I totally know what you are going through right now and it is so difficult...You are almost there and I will be praying these next couple of weeks will be easier on you and your little guy will be more than cooperative.

BTW- I am a kick count fanatic these days...this poor kid doesn't get more than 30 minutes of down time before i am poking him or drinking the coldest drink around. I am even to the point where I time how long his hiccups last...pregnancy shouldn't ever have to be this crazy!!!

Josh Jackson said... [Reply to comment]

COME ON KID!!! That's what we are saying anyway. Whew. It's a messy ride, this subsequent pregnancy thing. Peace to you, as much as can be mustered in the home stretch.