Sunday, March 18, 2012


I posted before I was even pregnant with B about getting a massage and how uncomfortable I felt about the whole process. I am one who loves that luxury. I don't require much to be happy-- expect maybe good food and a solid night's sleep. I'm not really high maintenance in that respect. But man do I love it when I have the opportunity to get a massage. I mentioned how after Andrew died, I didn't really feel comfortable or worthy of one. They're indulgences and I didn't feel like splurging when inside I felt so dark and cold. I couldn't possibly allow myself to relax in my own skin, let alone allow someone to soothe away the scars that seemed to have a hold over every part of my body.

I can't say those scars are healed, because they aren't. But I can say that I'm just more comfortable with them. I hate them. I hate being able to say I have a child who isn't alive and one who is. It's just not fair to them, my family, or myself. But it's the real deal. I'm just more comfortable saying that the scars are there because I love my son-- my son who is no longer alive.

With that said, I got a massage yesterday. My parents bought me a massage while I was pregnant with B and I refused to use it until he was born. I couldn't risk having a massage and potentially compromising (albeit a small risk) the life of my unborn child. I also didn't feel like I was ready to "celebrate" and in many ways, I view massages as a celebration of sorts. Or certainly a splurge for "special" occasions. His birth is definitely one of those. He was alive and in the arms of his dad when I drove away and indulged. It felt weird to be pampered. It was the first massage I've had since before Andrew was conceived. It was the first massage I've had since becoming a mother for the first time. A first, definitely.

Last night was all about food firsts. I've never made lettuce wraps before, but I decided it was due time! I made two different dishes to roll into wraps. I made P.F. Chang's chicken lettuce wraps and an Asian quinoa lettuce cup filling. I'm not a huge fan of soy-based products like tofu (though I'll eat them if made for me) based on texture, but I love quinoa and other grains/legumes/seeds. It turned out quite well. And since we wanted to represent many cultures while still celebrating a "green" St. Patrick's Day, we also enjoyed some margaritas. That was not a first alcoholic beverage since B's birth, however... as I had that IPA I mentioned in my last post.

 Recipe for the chicken lettuce wraps found here.
 And the quinoa here.

Today was full of more firsts. When my parents came to visit, my mom and I walked the downtown in our area and strolled through shops and ate cupcakes. It was nice. That was a first. But this morning was also a very special first. It's something I've dreamed about ever since I saw those two lines on that pregnancy test back in March of 2010. I dreamed of waking up on a weekend morning, and heading downtown for a stroller walk, bagels, and a stop into Baby Gap. It finally happened this morning. We strolled into Einstein's Bagels and enjoyed a few everything bagels with light cream cheese and found ourselves buying two cute onesies at Baby Gap before taking a stroll along the riverwalk and having strangers admire our little one. It felt sort of normal, but totally overdue. Like 15 months overdue. We heard comments from strangers about how cute he was and how although we aren't getting much sleep now, that it will improve over time.

We came home to another first. The bulbs we planted with the help of a friend to honor Andrew's birthday and celebrate B's upcoming birth are sprouting. We headed outside to uncover them.

While outside, we planted a card. You read that right. Ray's Aunt Ceil sent us some adorable clothes for B and a natural card embedded with wildflower seeds. It's meant to be planted whole. We found a pot about 10 feet away from the A & B bulbs where we are hoping those wildflowers begin to sprout.

Sprout little seeds, sprout.


Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

How cute is B? Love that the little sprouts are popping up!I will have to try that quinoa recipe too :)

boo and stacy said... [Reply to comment]

Sweet!!!!! The bulbs got me teary. Thanks for sharing!!

Kelly said... [Reply to comment]

Love this. Little B is so cute, especially in that first picture. Definite little old man face there, which I adore in baby boys! <3

SSM said... [Reply to comment]

That's a great smile while holding your son. :)

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

I love it! So happy for you guys! ANd I love the pic of him with the tulip buds!

Molly said... [Reply to comment]

Glad u enjoyed ur massage. We had PF Changs lettuce wraps tonight! :) love the baby pics!!!

LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

Love it all

Benjamin looks like a wee old man sitting behind Andrews's flowers! :)

Olaina said... [Reply to comment]

I LOVE the picture of Benjamin with his eyes closed in the flower pot! So cute! I'm also going to have to try the quinoa recipe, seeing as I bought the stuff a long time ago and still haven't figured out what to do with it. :) Keep writing!

J. said... [Reply to comment]

Oh, hooray! Was worried that (all) the bulbs wouldn't have enough weeks of cold due to this crazy mild winter :-) Next year, B will probably delight in showing you all those flowers!

Di said... [Reply to comment]

I love that you are getting to enjoy these firsts. Even though they should have been yours all that time ago, I am glad you are experiencing them with your sweet little Benjamin while remembering his brother Andrew.

Di said... [Reply to comment]

I love that you are getting to enjoy these firsts. Even though they should have been yours all that time ago, I am glad you are experiencing them with your sweet little Benjamin while remembering his brother Andrew.

Alli (and Tommy too!) said... [Reply to comment]

Oh look -- clothes :)

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

love this post. and you are right, your experience all of those things is long overdue. but i'm so glad that B is here to experience them with you and for his big bro. he really is adorable. my goodness! and i love that he's showing off his "guns" in that last pic.

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]


ok, i'm obviously suffering from lack of sleep myself. i could have sworn i saw him with both arms up "flexing those biceps" in that last pic. but as i look down to my left i noticed it was my little girl in her bouncy chair posed like that. lol, sorry. i'm not all mentally here.

Darcey said... [Reply to comment]

What a cutie!!! SO glad you are finally experiencing all these firsts you have waited patiently for.

Becky said... [Reply to comment]

I really want a massage because my low back has been hurting but questioning the risks that could go with it and have to see if my dr. will even allow it. Might wait till after baby girl is here as well.

Cute pics, B is so cute!
I love lettuce wraps so I will definitely be trying this recipe.

Hope's Mama said... [Reply to comment]

A heart warming, inspiring post.

Melissa @ A Dozen Years Later said... [Reply to comment]

I love baby Benjamin in the flower pot :) Too cute. He is so beautiful.

I want to try to make chicken lettuce wraps!