I can't say those scars are healed, because they aren't. But I can say that I'm just more comfortable with them. I hate them. I hate being able to say I have a child who isn't alive and one who is. It's just not fair to them, my family, or myself. But it's the real deal. I'm just more comfortable saying that the scars are there because I love my son-- my son who is no longer alive.
With that said, I got a massage yesterday. My parents bought me a massage while I was pregnant with B and I refused to use it until he was born. I couldn't risk having a massage and potentially compromising (albeit a small risk) the life of my unborn child. I also didn't feel like I was ready to "celebrate" and in many ways, I view massages as a celebration of sorts. Or certainly a splurge for "special" occasions. His birth is definitely one of those. He was alive and in the arms of his dad when I drove away and indulged. It felt weird to be pampered. It was the first massage I've had since before Andrew was conceived. It was the first massage I've had since becoming a mother for the first time. A first, definitely.
Last night was all about food firsts. I've never made lettuce wraps before, but I decided it was due time! I made two different dishes to roll into wraps. I made P.F. Chang's chicken lettuce wraps and an Asian quinoa lettuce cup filling. I'm not a huge fan of soy-based products like tofu (though I'll eat them if made for me) based on texture, but I love quinoa and other grains/legumes/seeds. It turned out quite well. And since we wanted to represent many cultures while still celebrating a "green" St. Patrick's Day, we also enjoyed some margaritas. That was not a first alcoholic beverage since B's birth, however... as I had that IPA I mentioned in my last post.
Recipe for the chicken lettuce wraps found here.
And the quinoa here.
Today was full of more firsts. When my parents came to visit, my mom and I walked the downtown in our area and strolled through shops and ate cupcakes. It was nice. That was a first. But this morning was also a very special first. It's something I've dreamed about ever since I saw those two lines on that pregnancy test back in March of 2010. I dreamed of waking up on a weekend morning, and heading downtown for a stroller walk, bagels, and a stop into Baby Gap. It finally happened this morning. We strolled into Einstein's Bagels and enjoyed a few everything bagels with light cream cheese and found ourselves buying two cute onesies at Baby Gap before taking a stroll along the riverwalk and having strangers admire our little one. It felt sort of normal, but totally overdue. Like 15 months overdue. We heard comments from strangers about how cute he was and how although we aren't getting much sleep now, that it will improve over time.
We came home to another first. The bulbs we planted with the help of a friend to honor Andrew's birthday and celebrate B's upcoming birth are sprouting. We headed outside to uncover them.
While outside, we planted a card. You read that right. Ray's Aunt Ceil sent us some adorable clothes for B and a natural card embedded with wildflower seeds. It's meant to be planted whole. We found a pot about 10 feet away from the A & B bulbs where we are hoping those wildflowers begin to sprout.
Sprout little seeds, sprout.