Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Pregnancy Revisited

I'm just now starting to really think back on my pregnancy with B. For these last couple months I've been thankfully distracted and purposefully trying to extricate myself from the mess that it caused me mentally and emotionally. It's really quite damaging.

To think pregnancy would ever be as carefree as society makes it out to be. And the paradox of the whole 9 months it seems is that it is all of those things; wonderful and terrifying all at once. It's magical. And in the same breath, it's frightening. It's amazing to consider that a human life is created within ones body and then goes on to start that whole cycle again. And no more than a breath later will I tell you that the very last sentence I typed also makes the risk so incredibly high that it's almost not worth it. Almost. But wow is the reward rich. If all goes well, of course. Otherwise it could be right up there as the greatest failure of your life.

If those baby showers and nightly prayers and belly creams could just ward off the fear and trepidation that is held within each breath of pregnancy for a baby loss mother. Because we know better.

It's because of this fear that I'm already looking ahead to my next, and hopefully final pregnancy. I already well up with fear just thinking about it, but I know if we wait too long, I'll be as mess, too. I'm not talking about babies anytime this year, but it wouldn't be crazy to assume that we'd jump back on the crazy train of emotion and fear next year at some point. I want B to have another living sibling to grow with. In order for that to occur, I need to accept the fact that pregnancy will be in my somewhat near future. And the longer I wait seems even crazier because that would be stringing myself along in this fear and anxiety of pregnancy and loss and potential further loss if we wait years. I can't imagine going back to this insanity in a few years and digging up those skeletons of emotion to wear on my sleeve (or on this blog).

It's almost like pregnancy itself is like reliving loss or a loss itself. It's that traumatic as you hold your breath and cry, begging and pleading that you won't be chosen for the reaping this go around {Yes, I totally did just use a Hunger Games reference. But it was fitting, no?}.

I'm reveling in the fact that I am for once in these last few years not wishing myself pregnant. It feels bizarre. I'm enjoying parenthood with all its ups and downs and just so extremely thankful we made it past the finish line with only emotional scars that will hopefully fade to absence by the time I'm past my childbearing years. My childloss scars will always be present, but these pregnancy scars may fade away.

Physically, I'm nearly back into my jeans after a month off sweets and eating much healthier than I was during pregnancy. It wasn't crazy to assume that I could dust off 1/2 box of Cheezits because I totally could and did on many occasions. Whatever got me through the day with a live child a growin'. Now that he's here and still sustaining life through me, I feel the need to make up for lost time somehow. Eat better and be more conscious of what is being consumed for his health and my overall mental and physical health as well. Every stretch mark and every inch of wear and tear was worth it. For both of my children. The one I parent for the world to see, and the one I parent in my heart.

To donate to the Rasmussens, please see their donation website. To read their story, click here.


Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

I hate that I'm almost to the end of pregnancy #2 and already thinking about pregnancy #3 in terms of timing. You're so right. It's terrifying and amazing and terrifying.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

Such a cute little man. :)

I'm right there with you in every sense. I want lots more babies, but the thought of actually being pregnant is emotionally (and physically!) overwhelming.

Emily said... [Reply to comment]

I second all of this. While I would LOVE another baby, a (living) sibling for Kaia...I just don't know if I can risk it again. I've had one loss and one almost loss and two awful pregnancies. It's taken a huge toll on us, emotional, physically and financially. I'm feeling the odds may never be in my favour. And that sucks...big time.

Hope you can work it all out.

Hope's Mama said... [Reply to comment]

As someone who has been through two pregnancies post loss, I can totally relate to this. We had our two living babies close together as I wanted to get the next pregnancy done with, just as much as I wanted to give Angus a living sibling. Then we had a few complications with that pregnancy and I thought the worry just might kill me. As if a "normal" pregnancy after loss wasn't hard enough.
If you ever want to talk, please feel free to drop me a line. This is all so hard, but as you say, also so rewarding if it all goes well.
Love to you.

Hope's Mama said... [Reply to comment]

Oh and I donated to that poor family. Their story continues to break my heart. Felt like one small thing I could do to help.

Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

Love the pic of B :)

Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

Love the pic of B :)

SG said... [Reply to comment]

B is so cute! And his face looks more grown up than a few weeks ago :)

We have had a couple of tense discussions in our house about a hypothetical fourth pregnancy (in hopes of a second living child I hope I hope) someday and whether it would be remotely sane for our family. Pregnancy after loss is just so so stressful.

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

"It's almost like pregnancy itself is like reliving loss or a loss itself. It's that traumatic as you hold your breath and cry, begging and pleading that you won't be chosen for the reaping this go around."

Perfectly said.

We used to refer to our life after Ava died as being trapped in a 10 story burning building. Either we jump (and have more children.) Or climb back down through the fire and hell together. Now that we are having our second child, we are free falling...and reliving the loss of our loss.

I can understand Hope's Mom when she says she just wanted to get the pregnancies over with. We are robbed of the joy of pregnancy.

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

Yup yup yup. As my sweet boy nears one year (gasp!) I am starting to freak out about another pregnancy (gasp!) - am I ready?! No. Will I ever really be? Not really. Should I wait another year? Two? And then I worry about what happens if the worst happens again. I think we'd be done. I'd be done. But oh how I want a living sibling for Finn.

Gah. Your and Brookes HG references were spot on. May the odds be ever in your favor indeed....like for real since they weren't before.

katie illingworth said... [Reply to comment]

Wow. The Hunger Games reference really hits home. I see other pregnant women and I think to myself, "she has no idea the game of Russian roulette she's playing right now."

The thought of another pregnancy terrifies me, but I've thought about it for sure. Maybe I won't be quite as terrified when I hold my breathing son in my arms. Prayers and fingers crossed, ladies. Let's hide me from the reaping this time.

Darcey said... [Reply to comment]

He is getting so big and he is so cute.

I went to dinner yesterday and there was a woman who was 38 weeks pregnant telling everyone that she just has 2 weeks left and is so excited and all I could think was I lost Logan at 38 weeks, not I had Layton at 38 weeks. THe loss will always out weigh the good and I hate that so many of you wonderful ladies had to experience it on your first child.

Renel said... [Reply to comment]

I wonder if any of us will ever feel done in our hearts. With the loss of our baby. Something will always be missing. I really wanted Kai to have a sibling and the age gap was getting wider with each month that passed. I know if I were younger I would consider more children. That is something I never thought I would say. 2 was supposed to be my max, but then Camille died. Being pregnant a third time is more difficult than the second for sure. I wonder how people have 6 kids.
That hunger games reference is so perfect. Pregnant women are walking time bombs waiting for their number to be drawn.
B is so sweet I'm thankful that he is here

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

it's so hard not to get caught up in thinking about what our families will look like in the future. it's hard for me to picture being preg with a living child at home. i try not to worry or plan because it hasn't really helped me thus far, but i can't help it sometimes. i'm too type a

Natasha said... [Reply to comment]

I think about having more babies a lot too. It's hard not to when I picture the family I planned in my mind a long time ago. I want a living sibling for my little Mason so badly. Also I worry that if I wait to long to get pregnant again I will be putting myself in an even higher risk category because of my age. And that's just what I need- something else to worry about.

Your little man is adorable ♥