The Middle Name

Claire has a middle name already.

Andrew and Benjamin share my father-in-law's first name, Steven, as their middle name. I love that the name was carried through my boys to connect them. This being a girl and our last child, we are choosing a name from my family's side. If this baby were a third boy, his name would have been Charlie John-- Charlie as a "C" name we like and John as my father's first name.

But being that this baby is a girl, we are still choosing from my family's side. Believe it or not, my great grandmother is still alive at 98-years-old and has a beautiful spirit. She's always laughing and smiling. Her name is Madeline Mae. While we love both names, our daughter will carry her middle name as well.

Claire Mae.

A is for Andrew, B is for Benjamin and C is for...

The Wilsons are adding a final child to our clan this winter. Exactly four months from today, I am due with our only daughter and last child. I will never be pregnant again after February 11, 2014 and that couldn't make me more excited for this winter to arrive. Yes, Chicago winter. Bring it.

We've discussed at great length about adding more children to our family. We birthed two beautiful boys and only have one here to raise. He's a dream. A total bad boy at times and definitely mischievous, but such a salve that we needed so desperately. And he's nearly 20 months now if you can believe it! While we're thankful Andrew's little brother is in our lives, we know he loves other children. It's hard having lost our firstborn and having a second son but still being parents with only one child in our home. It just seems like Benjamin should have someone else, of course. Our family will always feel that way about Andrew missing. When Benjamin was born, I wanted him to have a sibling even more knowing we should have two here now. And because of our desire to give him that, we are pregnant once more. Fourth pregnancy, third child and only daughter.

Because this is our last child, I don't have any qualms about discussing names and details, mostly because there's nothing left after this. If this baby comes home with us as we hope (in a carseat, to clarify... ugh), we're 100% done. If something happens, we won't be able to handle the additional grief and still be the parents Benjamin needs, so we will not try again and therefore will be 100% done. The thought of losing two of our children brings me to my knees. Nothing is ever guaranteed and we know that.

Long before Andrew was even found to be a boy back on our second wedding anniversary in 2010, we had chosen a girl name. If Andrew had been a girl, he would've been Claire. If Benjamin had been a girl, he would've been Claire. And now that I'm really pregnant with a girl, she is Claire! I love that this name has been constant in our decision for all three of our babies. Not to mention, we love the A-B-C ritual of naming our children. Right after Benjamin's birth, my friend Brooke sent us a book to commemorate the birth of our new baby boy and also remember our first boy.

Each of the first three pages of this book prints the name of each of our children. The book is A My Name is Andrew and the first page is about a boy named Andrew who lives in Augusta. The second page is a girl named Becca who has a brother, Benjamin. The third page is about a girl named Claire who lives in Connecticut. It's an alliterative book, as you might have gathered, but still awesome that all three of our their names are on the first three pages.

Since this has been one of the least sarcastic posts ever on this blog, I must end with a little extra edge. Compliments of my friend Caroline who is also due with her second rainbow this winter... I wanted to add what we were chatting about during our brainstorming session about when I'd "out" myself on the ol' blog.

"C' is for Claire but also stands for caution --  we are still so scared. Also, be cautious of any silly things you might say regarding the assurance this baby is coming home in that carseat, because "C" also stands for crazy town and I might just go there.

All in good fun, of course, but really, it's another pregnancy and another mixed bag of emotions, exhaustion, and grieving our firstborn who would probably love to know he has two siblings who will also always wonder and grieve the brother he would've been. A great one-- I'm sure.

Here's to another 4 months of anxiety and hope. And burning those maternity clothes.

A list of 31 for a 31st Birthday

1. Not sure why, but 31 feels so odd. Well, it is odd from a math standpoint, but in other ways. Like 30 was fancy because it was a new decade and 31 is just... boring.
2. Cannot believe I turned 21 TEN years ago.
3. My favorite part of my birthday month is not presents or actually turning another year older, but the emailed freebies from all my favorite places.
4. So far, I've redeemed freebies for $10 at World Mar.ket, $20 at Planet.Shoes where I scored $.20 socks shipped, a Jersey Mi.ke's sub with drink, a Whic.h Wich sandwich, scoop of Baski.n Robbins chocolate peanut butter swirl ice cream, and bowl at Noodl.es & Co.
5. Today we hit up storytime at the library where Benjamin lost his mind when he had to leave the felt birdie on the felt board after his turn during Brown Bear, Brown Bear which led to us walking out of storytime. Then he spotted the elevator button and caused lots of ruckus before we finally left without his shoes on and me only half checking out our books by accident.
6. After storytime, we got Jerse.y Mike's to-go, had a car picnic in the Post Office parking lot (B's FAVORITE), mailed a package and went next door for a freebie ice cream.

7. We returned home for B's nap and FedEx delivered a package.
8. The package? Our iPad I left at the J.W Marrio.tt in Palm Desert, CA over the weekend.
9. Talk about customer service when they shipped it to us for free!
10. We flew back from CA to IL on Sunday. It was definitely one of those days where there were lots of little things that continued to go wrong. Luckily, nothing big went wrong. Except maybe missing In-N-Out and having to settle on El Poll.o Loco instead. Acceptable tradeoff, but still missing my chocolate shake.
11. I successfully ate my way through California once again.
12. I've never dieted in my life, but I might have to start if I continue to eat like that while on visits back to the motherland.
13. We spent lots of good time with my parents and got to feed a giraffe while we were there. A real one! With real food! And tongues like a foot long!
14. I'll be posting about that trip and my mom's visit in September whenever I stop being such a lazy blogger.
15. Really it's Benjamin's fault. He needs to take 5-hour naps and maybe I'll get something done.
16. Okay, he can't take 5-hour naps, otherwise he wouldn't sleep at night.
17. When he wakes, we're going to a new park they just built about 2 miles down the road. I love visiting new parks because I get bored of the same ones we visit daily.
18. The leaves on trees here are going... going... it might be a raking weekend in the 'burbs.
19. I really need brown waste in my composter. Like yesterday. Hello fall leaves.
20. We're thinking about hitting up one of the many fall fests this weekend, too. B is going to flip over the bounce house. The kid loves him some bounce house time.
21. Speaking of fall and traditions, I really need to get on the ball about B's Halloween costume.
22. I literally Googled "costumes that don't have anything on the head" because B will not subscribe to any of that nonsense. I came up with a few, but have settled on a sort of boring but probably adorable (if I can get my act together), scarecrow. Sans hat. I'm thinking of making his hair all scraggly. What's new, right? Hah.
23. I've been getting a little flack for not cutting B's hair. Not gonna lie... he did have a mini rat tail when he was in the swimming pool on Sunday.
24. Back on the Halloween costume, the main reason I've been dragging my feet is because I have to actually get Benjamin to try on the two pairs of overalls he owns to see which one still fits. He acts like I am asking him to walk over hot coals when it comes to changing time.
25. And I might be a little sad to cut up one of his old flannel shirts to sew onto the overalls for scarecrow flair.
26. And also, I'm not really crafty and really don't look forward to such things.
27. Reason #436, I wish my parents were more local. My mom sews and actually enjoys it.
28. Benjamin will be a scarecrow and we'll be... whatever. As long as I get my $3 "boorito" at Chipot.le that day for dressing up as something, I don't care what I'm wearing.
29. This will be B's first year actually going door-to-door (to like 3 neighbors, probably). I bought him a pumpkin Halloween pail to drag around. Place your bets now... will he have a meltdown or think it's fun?
30. We usually pass out candy (of which I already bought at Target for a great price!) and then head out around dark for dinner at Chipot.le. Our neighborhood starts trick-or-treating at 3:00, and after dark, it's only the older kids who I don't enjoy giving candy to anyway.
31. For my 31st b-day, my husband surprised me with a cute hoodie sweatshirt and left me a glass of fresh-squeezed OJ he made me with my new Kitche.nAid juicer attachment. Like many of my friend's on IG said this morning, it's totally a Brandy gift. Yep. And just as I type this 31st item, I hear the little person awaking from his slumber...someone tell him he's supposed to nap until 4:00 on mom's birthday.

Drank half before taking the photo...couldn't help it!

So Big

Sometimes Benjamin enjoys hanging out in his crib. Really, I get him in the morning and he often requests to be put back in there. If I ask to pick him up, he says "oh" (which is "no") and continues to sit happily and body slam his pillow.

Thursday morning was no different. He had a lot to say and was pointing out various things in the room and the pointed to the framed picture (of like 10 of his relatives, including his mama, mind you) and said "Dad" on repeat.

I told him his dad loved him. And then I asked him how much he thought his dad loved him.

He threw out his arms and said "BIG".

We both tell him we love him big all the time and he's now starting to say it himself. There's no denying it... we love this little boy so BIG.

How Unfortunate

I'm in a little bit of a mood today (partially due to poor sleep), so I figured it was a perfect day to write about my stillborn son. Because that also makes me angry and sad. Which is a mood. And not a positive one.

The husband and I were chatting with a couple we didn't know the other day. Benjamin was off playing in the church and they asked about children. We chimed in about our 19-month old son. And then they asked if that was our only child. I told them we had a son before and he died at birth due to a cord issue.

Her response (as she held her 6-week old newborn girl, their third daughter)...

"How unfortunate."

That response caught me so off-guard that I couldn't even respond. The proper response to the tragedy of a lost life is empathy/sympathy and sadness. Something along the lines of I'm sorry or that's horrible would've been appropriate.

It's unfortunate when you leave the milk out on the counter and it spoils. Or when you get a flat tire. Or when your favorite team loses a game.

When your firstborn son dies, it's a whole lot more than unfortunate.

It makes me angry that other parents don't even see the value of human life. You're holding a newborn baby. What if someone took her away? She died in her sleep? Contracted a terminal illness?

I'd have a whole lot more to say to you than how unfortunate that would be.