Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News...

{I've got a... bad case of loving you}

Writing to inform. We had our 6 week postpartum appointment today. We walked in, checked in with the receptionist and sat down amongst the 10 or so women in the waiting room-- half of them pregnant (of course. It's an OB after all). Normally I have to wait at least 30 minutes to an hour and considering the amount of people in the waiting room, I guaranteed my butt planted in that chair for a long while.

I sat next to a pregnant woman reading on her iPad... but was called back nearly as soon as I cracked open the Cosmopolitan magazine I picked up to read. Mind you, I had to flip through quite a few Parents Magazines to get that gem of non-baby goodness. I tell you, triggers are freaking everywhere.

The nurse called me back and we walked back. Normally Ray wouldn't join me for a regular OB appointment, but because this was a potential questions answered session, he joined. And because he knew I'd be an emotional mess and he's supportive like that. He lost his son, too. The nurse told us that she called us back suddenly so we wouldn't have to sit in the waiting room {with those other happily pregnant women}. Blood pressure taken, no pregnancy pee cups, no weight taken.

We were taken into a room and sat there for 2 hours. TWO HOURS. My doctor, turns out, was in the process of two back-to-back c-sections at the hospital across the street. This isn't abnormal to have the doctor on call take forever. It's also not abnormal with this particular doctor. Because she's my favorite and the one who was the most sympathetic and proactive in seeing me, caring for me, and discussing our future, I needed to see her for my 6 week checkup.

I had the time to sit and read two more magazines and avoided, again, all those baby magazines. I listened through the thin walls to nurses bringing other patients back asking them for urine samples, congratulations on newborn babies, etc. Fun. I managed to only cry for about a minute in those two hours. I even heard the nurse make a phonecall to a woman letting her know that her hCG levels were normal so she wasn't pregnant-- I'm sure that woman was relieved. Funny, I'd love to have high hCG levels and be pregnant. Weird how life stages can be.

Our doctor finally arrived and we had more tears. She immediately cared to talk about our emotional state and again reiterated the interest to connect us to counseling. She looked in my file to check the placenta report and all was normal. The placenta showed no chromosomal issues either. The blood records (from the millions of vials of blood they took while hospitalized) were not included so she said she'd be ordering them from the hospital. No autopsy results yet. Dr. Jensen said it wasn't too abnormal for them to take longer but to call back in two/three weeks.

Blessing and a curse-- at least from the doctor's perspective. At this point, she has nothing to go from in regards to "what next" with us. She explained the difference between my first pregnancy and what my second pregnancy will be like. Differences to be expected, she said:

• I won't be going past full-term. I'll be induced at least 2 weeks before my due date
• Lots more tests and a lot more often.
• Early ultrasound at 8 weeks and first appointment a week prior to that (they generally do an ultrasound at 12 weeks and the first appointment at 8 weeks)
• Baby aspirin taken daily
• Possible Lovenox injections daily. I was afraid of this, but will do whatever it takes. If the autopsy results don't show blood clots in our little guy, we may not need this but will likely choose it anyway. It's a blood thinner so clots can be averted. Whether or not there are known clots, it's a way to be safe just in case. That sounds like the last possible answer though since there isn't anything we have at this point to prove otherwise. I would have to inject them myself once or twice daily {eek! = lots of bruises all over my belly} and they're expensive. We'll have to check with our insurance to see the coverage. I've read online that they can be thousands of dollars a month.

In regards to other things-- looks like I'm healing quite well. She said it looks as though I never had a baby though since it's my body, I disagree. I'm cleared for exercise of all kinds. ;) I'm excited to really sweat again-- though going for a run in 20-degree weather sounds less than exciting. We were told to wait two cycles to try again-- which means 1 more cycle since I've already began menstruating exactly 28 days from birth.

This whole "try again" thing is weird. I was so cautious about our announcement when I became pregnant with Andrew but now that I've lost him... it's almost like I have no inhibitions. I know there is potential for us to be heartbroken again through miscarriage or stillbirth (though my doctor says she's never seen that in 24 years-- but I also thought this would never happen to me...) but since everyone I know has seen me at my bottom, I don't know it even matters to keep secrets. We'll see how I feel when we come to that bridge. There's also potential I won't get pregnant right away like I did with Andrew. I need to just live life and let life happen. Easier said than done for a complete type-A control freak like myself.