Sunday, June 5, 2011


Very heavy heart this week. Circumstances that lead to today were not helpful. Just really dark and difficult. Not sure why we can't catch a break. Too many losses all around us and it's just so hard to swallow. 

I was at a school a week ago and heard a woman say something piercing. To add context, she was asked if she'd like to join a group of women for a game of golf. And here was her response:

I'd love to, but I haven't seen my niece and nephew since December 5th. 

For obvious reasons, I immediately perked up at the mention of that date. December 5th will always be so difficult.

But then I started thinking about what she was doing with her niece and nephew on that day. Was she taking them to the zoo (doubtful since Chicago was having its first blizzard of the year on that weekend. How fitting)? Was she baking with them? Were they watching a movie? Playing a game of Candyland?

All these thoughts loomed through my mind as I paralleled a very different existence on that day. That day brought no smiles and all tears. But it was also beautiful. I met such a beautiful little boy that I crave so much to have with me still.

When I heard that sentence spoken, it stopped me in my tracks (omitted the word dead in that idiom for obvious reasons). I know it's true, but were people really enjoying that day? It was the worst day of my life, yet others were experiencing joy, happiness, excitement, reunions with family. I had my own somber reunion with family. And that was the last one. First, and last.

It also struck me that the woman speaking chose not to play golf because, as she said, it had been too long since she saw her niece and nephew. She had an obligation. A priority. A desire. An interest. A right, and (this is the hardest one), an ability to see them. Six months is a long time to go without seeing the ones you love.

It's been six months since I've seen that baby face and the numbers are just creeping further and further away from that first introduction and goodbye.

It's been far too long. I'd prefer to forego the golf game, too, and see my son again. But sadly, devastatingly, I don't have that option. Golf it is. 

Dear Andrew,
I miss you little man. It's just too hard to breathe thinking about how chubby and cute you'd be right now. And how much joy you'd bring to our lives by just being here. We miss that joy and wish with every part of our beings that you would be here with us. My brain won't stop thinking about that delivery room and how most parents cry tears of joy. They see a bewildered little person emerge and see the world for the first time. We saw you, a beautiful little person, too, but never will the rest be true. I showed your pictures to a good friend the other day. It felt so good. I was so proud, yet sad that I'm not parading them on facebook and this blog as I expected to do when you were born. Instead, I am cautiously holding them close to my heart as they are all I have of you. They're gorgeous. You're gorgeous. With all of our hearts and love. We give it all to you.


CHH said... [Reply to comment]

Dear Brandy,

Thinking of you.


Coastal Blue Ocean xo

LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking of you today momma.

Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

Wishing I could hug you. Thinking of you three.

Keleen said... [Reply to comment]

Six...doesn't seem possible. I cry for you, I cry for me...6 months without our babies...ugh.

I have heard people complain about being away from their babies for a day or two and while I know I would have hated to be away from Addison for a day or two it just breaks my heart that we are forced to be away from our baby A's because we are not on a trip and we did NOT choose to be away from them. Other peple get to have reunions with their long lost family members, but our reunion is not for this lifetime...not fair, not fair, not fair! I may throw a tantrum could happen. <3 to our baby A's!

Kelly said... [Reply to comment]

Much love to you and many hugs. <3

katie illingworth said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking of all three of you today. XOXO

Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

Sending you much love. You've been in my thoughts all weekend.

Molly said... [Reply to comment]

sending thoughts, prayers and hugs today and everyday.

Olaina.PhotosAndArt said... [Reply to comment]

I'm so sorry it's such a hard day. You and your family are in my prayers. I think maybe when we have hard days our little babies are up there looking down on us saying, "Mommy, I love you. You'll be OK." Maybe?

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

lots of love to you today, lots of love to Andrew always.

*Laura Angel said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking of you and Andrew <3

Becky said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking of you and your family...

Radiant Readhead said... [Reply to comment]

Hi! i just wandered onto your blog from Ben and Katie's blog. I read a few of your entries about your beautiful son, and I have to say I am truly sorry for your loss. I am a fellow baby loss mother. i lost my precious daughter Rosalynn @ 35 weeks going on 14 months ago. I noticed you just past 6 months. That was a really hard one for me! And a year was pretty bad too. I feel that as time goes by, the pain gets a little easier to bear. I am currently pregnant with my raibow, 17 weeks today, and am still TERRIFIED that the same thing could happen again.
Because of my pregnancy, I understand if you don't want to follow my blog, b/c i talk about the pregnancy on it) but i wanted to let you know i will be a new follower (as soon as I get to MY computer where i can ADD blogs...for some reason this one wont let me). I look forward to continuing to follow your journey!