Monday, April 30, 2012

When Enough is Beyond Enough

My heart was stomped on again this weekend. You see, in this world of baby loss, there are a good number of us who grieve online. We blog and support one another in this journey that never ends. Each generation of baby loss moms, as I see it, creates a special cohort and bond that connects us. Each cohort contains a group of women who lost babies within about a year of one another and sometimes within days or even hours from the last. It's somehow nice to know that you weren't alone in your misery and that somewhere across this great stretch of land on Earth, someone else understood you. That the gates of the heavens opened and our babies entered in alongside other babies to support one another as we supported each other here in life. Or the shambles we were left with.

In this season, my cohort is moving on to have their first babies post loss. So many of us have just given birth or are on track to do so within the next days, weeks and months. We fought through the battle to conceive again with our hearts at our feet and fear as thick as mud in our throats. But we overcame. We're definitely worse for wear, but we pressed on. Unfortunately though, loss doesn't always strike just once. It's a cruel and unfortunate and absolutely unfair reality that lighting can indeed strike twice. One of our friends has endured just that. She's gone on to bury a sister to her son who was awaiting her arrival. He trailblazed the way for her while her parents sit in despair again. It's absolutely unfathomable that this can occur twice to the same couple and I mourn deeply for them. I've had nightmares every night since and felt such anguish in knowing "the drill" they've had to experience not once, but twice-- to two viable babies that they wanted so desperately to share their lives with.

This world can be a cruel, cruel place. And I'm just so heartbroken for their family.


LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

Heartbroken doesn't seem powerful enough,

Beautiful words, friend.

Darcey said... [Reply to comment]

Perfectly doesn't make any sense and it seems so unnecessary and cruel. My heart aches for her non-stop and the thought of it makes me physically ill.

Lots of tears have been shed since learning of the loss of her beautiful daughter.

My New Normal said... [Reply to comment]

I think you said this much better than I did today.

Sherri said... [Reply to comment]

I get chills every time I think about her. And then my heart actually starts to hurt... I can't begin to imagine the pain she's feeling right now! I love the way you put it, I've been trying to find the words all day!

LookItsJessica said... [Reply to comment]

Your post gave me chills. It's so true that our "generation" of babies entered heaven together as we tried to support each other through the pain here on Earth.

I'm right there with you feeling utterly heartbroken for Becky's family. I'm across the country from her I feel almost beaten up with the news. I cannot imagine the pain of going through this twice-- so tragically close to the finish line this time. This type of tragedy was the unspeakable worst fear that we all shared and I prayed and prayed that none of us would have to live through it. There is no justice.

katie illingworth said... [Reply to comment]

Brandy you put this so well. I have simply felt shattered since finding this out. Shattered, and angry, at this life, this world and God. I can't stand it for them. It didn't even happen to me and I can hardly bear it.

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

beautiful words.

It still baffles me that it can happen more than once. Despite my same fear when I was pregnant with Finn, that it certainly could happen, to actually "see" it happen to another BLM is just devastating.

SG said... [Reply to comment]

I feel like this is my first real taste of the utter powerlessness that my friends and family felt trying to help us after Elizabeth died.

Shell said... [Reply to comment]

Brandy, well said and all so true. I've been miserable and so sad since finding out. I just can't believe it has happened twice. I'd give anything to take away their pain. It is just not fair and makes me so mad as well.

Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

That is just so horrible. I don't even know what to say. But I am mad at the world for taking away that baby. And I am SO sad for that family for having to go through the pain a second time. :(

sarah said... [Reply to comment]

God, I just sobbed my eyes out last night when I heard about baby Evelynn. And my damn computer won't even let me comment on her blog, either. Powerless on top of powerlessness. It's so damn unfair, so wrong, so sad.

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

I didn't know whether or not to cry or scream the other night when I read that... I don't even have the words to describe how horrible and unfair it is. When people (read- doctors) tell me what happened to Ellie is a fluke and I shouldn't worry about it- I always want to scream that lightning does strike twice. One tragedy does not protect you from another...

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

i haven't heard about this family, but my heart just broke again. how unfair, how cruel. sending my thoughts and prayers to them...

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

well scratch what i said. i read the news. i hadn't scrolled through my blog list before i read this.

broken hearted is such an understatement right now. my head is reeling.

Tash said... [Reply to comment]
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Tash said... [Reply to comment]

Well said.

Not a day has gone by that I don't think about Becky and her babies. To lose a baby is an incomprehensible, but ohmygod to lose two..

I'm also heartbroken for their family.