Thursday, July 10, 2014

New Blog Header

My incredible friend Alli changed my header for me a few years ago... but since then I've had two more kids and feel like I look nothing like the girl in the snuggie anymore. I'm sprouting gray hairs, no longer claim to be in my 20s and living a very mom life.

It's also been 3.5 years since Andrew died. While I grieve him openly, freely and often, I don't have as much to say about my grief or how it's changing at this stage. Sure, we have two more kids and we're very busy ensuring they become acceptable members of society, but Andrew is not lost. I think about him every single day. The pain is still very real and the tears still flow.

Just today there was a boy at the playhouse named Andrew. He was three, of course, and spelling his name aloud as he was writing on one of those Magna-Doodle things. Every time he wrote a letter, he would repeat the last ones and describe how it is written. A-N-D ..."tall line and big belly"... A-N-D-R ... "tall line, small belly, and little line" and just kept going on and on. He was so proud that he was sharing his name with everyone in the room.

I could've vomited.

But yes, this post is about the new header. My friend Kari recently wrote a blog post about designing her own blog header and it sort of lit a fire under my behind. I knew I could do it and I've done similar pieces of design before, but never paid much attention to the blog header. Honestly, I was nervous about how to incorporate my whole family and that's why it sat the same for so long. I wanted Andrew represented on here even though I don't write about grief for every post. He's still our son and part of our daily lives and will always be part of our family. We still can't stomach taking professional family photos because of how hard it still is to imagine Andrew not being a part of the pictures.

I didn't want people who visit this blog to assume I've moved on or don't want to share Andrew anymore. It's just never going to be that way. I wanted to represent him in a photo with my other two, but struggled with how to make that happen. I could use a picture of his name in the sand. His urn. A candle with his name. But none of these seemed to be enough to represent that he really was our flesh and blood and really did exist. I have photo proof. Just not any interest in showing them to the masses who would not necessarily find those photos in loving spirit. I protect him and the little bits of him I still have. I just needed people who visited this blog to know that our family lost someone very important and that he will never be shamed or forgotten. That this blog is different than just a mom blog. When writing about my living children, my firstborn is never far from my mind.

With that, the new header. For his fourth birthday, I plan to have Dana pencil sketch his beautiful face. I may switch the header to his sketch eventually, but I really like how this one turned out.


Mama Bear said... [Reply to comment]

I like it too :)

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

I think it's as perfect as it can be. I am always torn with changing my blog name, but laziness is winning on that one

Solange, Nik, Caitlin and Oliver said... [Reply to comment]

I love the header. Not gonna lie but I did cry when I saw those tiny feet. He is always in my mind and heart. Love you all and miss you tons.

Amelia said... [Reply to comment]

It is so gorgeous.

Nicole said... [Reply to comment]

I love it! You did a great job!!! Interested in designing one for me?!?!

Kari at A Grace Full Life said... [Reply to comment]

Love. Just pure love.
Thank you for sharing the love.


Brie said... [Reply to comment]

I love the new header. I freshened mine up too!

Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

I love the new header. I should put you to work designing one for me. Do you freelance?

I also think it's interesting how our responses to the same kind of grief moved in opposite directions. I'm obsessed with having professional photos taken of Zuzu because I'll NEVER have them of Eliza and I want to hoard as many pictures of my kid(s) as possible. But I also can see your perspective as well--it's heartbreaking to know that pictures of the three (or four) of us should always be pictures of four (or five).

xoxo. Andrew is so clearly loved and missed.

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

I think it is as perfect as it can be without him here.

Melissa R said... [Reply to comment]

I think the new header is beautiful as are Andrew's feet :)

Veronica said... [Reply to comment]

I've mentioned before that I love it. I love baby feet, and Andrew sure has a precious pair. As perfect as a blog header can be in this heart breaking/ heart aching life.

Natasha said... [Reply to comment]

It's beautiful ❤️

Julie said... [Reply to comment]

Me too. I think it's perfect. Simple, inclusive of all three of your beautiful kids, very tasteful. I hadn't seen this post about it before I'd noticed the change, and thought it was great!

Katie said... [Reply to comment]

A friend of mine lost her son just before his 4th birthday. When they take professional family pictures, they always include a bright yellow sunflower to represent their oldest son.