The only reason I'm a capable and relatively happy human being right now is because of Benjamin and Claire. Well, mostly Benjamin. He came after Andrew and saved me from a very dark place. Not that the dark place doesn't still exist, but him being alive and allowing me to perform the duties of a mother literally brought me out of a dark place into some light again.
I often tell strangers about Andrew. At least a few times a week, his life comes up in conversation enough for me to explain things. I usually add the whole bit about being able to talk about him without crying because it's been a long time and I have two living children who carry on somewhat of a legacy for him. They carry some of his traits, features, and quirkiness, I'm assuming. I want to assume. I'm guessing I'd be bawling my eyes out while explaining his story if Benjamin and Claire were not in the picture after losing him, no matter if it had been 4 hours or 4 years like we're approaching in December.
With these kids, I feel like I gained some of my happiness and life back.
Without them? I would be in a very bleak place, I think. It's because of them and only because of them that living without Andrew is made manageable. It's a little scary to me that they carry so much of that healing burden for me. It's not fair to them, maybe. But honestly speaking, where on earth would I be without them?
Perhaps a dark post for a Monday, but honest. Something I've been thinking about a lot this week. I'll be back soon (after Halloween festivities and Benjamin's first school program!!) with pictures from pumpkin patch adventure and Disney World!
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5 comments:
I love that you talk about Andrew. I tell people about Bear too. I don't like to imagine where I'd be without Bode. Hugs friend.
Yes, yes, yes.
I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one that still tells people about Ava. That she was here and all she is. That I was nearly ruined and will never be what I once was. Thank you for this post, really, thank you.
Ditto. You always have a way of explaining thoughts that have gone through my own head (and probably every other baby loss parent). Just today I had to remind a family member that I still think of and miss Denise every. Single.day. Sure my kids have helped me see brighter days, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't still a he for her,
Someone get me spellcheck. Sheesh. Sorry Brandy!
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