The Bridge to Active Parenting

I spent the entire drive home from preschool pickup on Thursday in tears. Both kids in the backseat and me sobbing.

Benjamin was TERRIBLE last week. He was sleeping until like 11 and refusing to allow us in his room when we tried to wake him. He broke his Dropcam in a fit of rage. Locking him in his room doesn't work. It does give me a break, but it doesn't work in giving him time to show remorse. He just doesn't. He's angry and even angrier when I end it. Can go on for hours. 

I chalked last week's crazy sleep up to (mostly) him still recovering from this terrible sickness when he didn't sleep well for an entire week and was on PST zone, but I feel like other kids transition easier regardless. Transition better.

So, I told his preschool teacher at pickup the other day after two days of screaming at dropoff that I didn't know anymore. That things are getting out of hand and we've nearly considered a child psychologist because all of my understandings of parenting and tantrums and sleep habits and all the reading I've done seems to be aiding me nil in the process of parenting this one.

She told me she didn't think that would be a bad idea and that maybe they would provide more insight into what is going on (seeing a child psych). 

I cried. BIG FAT CROCODILE TEARS. I was thinking, but then she validated that my kid has issues. If you've never been told by someone that your child is anything but awesome, you may not understand this feeling. And really, it's not so much he has issues (we all do, really, especially his bereaved parents!), but needs his parents to understand how he needs parenting applied to him. 

I went home and called Elliot after another meltdown (that broke the Dropcam). We decided that for now, the problem with a child psych is that while B has good verbal skills, he's not verbal enough to fully understand the breadth of his problems enough to communicate them aloud. We figured they would send us to literature, so we're seeking that out first. We actually went on the website for the child psych my pediatrician recommended (because her advice made me laugh-- sit by his door during tantrum-- what for two hours?, ignore them-- what and risk my entire house being completely mutilated?). 

The child psych website recommended this book: The Explosive Child 

We had that in our hands hours later via Barnes and Noble.

Elliot's almost done and I'm still reading. It basically sums up that when he starts to shut down (you can literally see his eyes close and his mind go elsewhere), that he doesn't interest being "bad", but simply doesn't have the necessary problem solving skills that most kids have innately driving their decisions. That we need to help him process through this. Essentially, this is a learning disability because he has not learned and does not possess the skills of flexibility, adaptability, frustration tolerance and problem solving. So, me rushing him to get moving each morning for preschool at a reasonable 7:30-8:15 to get dressed and eat a granola bar is sometimes too much for him. He isn't the rush-able kid. But really, he has to be ready sooner or later because kindergarten isn't far down the road. We're learning and trying new ways to smooth transitions with him.

The biggest trick is that with a kid like him, just shutting down and telling him no for things he desires or views as the correct solution isn't the answer. It's all about trying to understand his brain and help him process through the why of how the world works. I hate that he isn't the type of kid that can just be read the law. That would be too easy. Instead, I fear we will be looked at by outsiders as a weak parents who allow our kid to "get what he wants", when in reality normal parenting tactics just don't work for him. I do believe he wants to be good. He can be the biggest sweetheart. The book is also helping us take his behavior less personally (i.e. What did I do wrong?) and see him as not as much of a punk 3yo, but someone who is lacking the ability to process through problem-solving.

It feels like we've left the soft parenting stage and entered the real deal here. Not that every age isn't impressionable and creating a foundation, but this stage being one that is crucial to really set things into motion. Healthy eating, literacy exposure, hugs and kisses aside. This is active parenting.

It's easier to see things in perspective after the fact, but during his fit where I insisted he get moving on picture day last Thursday? That he simply wake up and put on some freaking clothes (I had him pick out the night before sensing an issue might arise) and threatening that I was leaving which then resulted in him running outside and stripping all of his clothes off in the driveway on a 30-degree morning and ultimately was dragged into school unwillingly dressed in mismatched clothes he reluctantly allowed me to put on him?

Not so easy to gain perspective. These are going to be some interesting years ahead.

We probably won't be investing in those spring pictures.