It's Time to Cut the Crap.

I'm talking about my consumption habits of course.

There are a few goals I'm making as of March 1.

Why not today? Well... because we're going on a cruise before then, so I surely couldn't eliminate the possibility of eating a whole lotta crap on that trip... so March 1 it is.

The reasons for my purge:

• I had a baby. I'm sad he isn't here. It's a distraction and control thing. Change is needed.
• My body looks like I had a baby. 
• I eat too much crap without thinking about what goes into my body.
• We want to try for baby #2 soon and don't want my poor eating habits to affect that process.
• I don't feel good about myself when I eat/drink crap. 
• I feel my best when eating foods that are good for me.
• I am not pleased with how my pants are fitting post pregnancy.

Here's what I'm committing to for at least three solid months {March 1 - June 1}:

1. No soda. I hate drinking my calories. I used to be a Diet Coke addict, but gave up before Andrew was conceived and haven't looked back since. I imagine I've consumed enough aspartame and phenylalanine at this point in my life. I sure do miss a good fountain DC with those little crunchy ice balls, though.
2. No elective sugar/sweets. Naturally occurring in foods/fruits = fine. No cookies, cakes, brownies, dessert. That means no chocolate. I should really be committing to cutting fried things and crackers/chips also, but baby steps people. Maybe that will be the following 3 months.
3. No alcohol. I don't really want it anyway like I thought I did when I was pregnant with Andrew. It's a bunch of unnecessary calories and a depressive. As if I need another reason to be sad.
4. Exercise. I make no major commitments on the frequency of this, but I did just sign up for a Zumba class with my girlfriends! Once it is a consistent 40 degrees outside, I may step it up to walking everyday + adding wii Zumba and real Zumba classes to the regiment. While I'd love to take up running again, I'm nervous how that will affect future pregnancies should I become pregnant in the next 3 months. I ran up until week 27 with Andrew and he's not here now. Of course I doubt that my running habits had anything to do with his demise, but I see my next chance being different in many ways. The things I control (like running... or not running) are included in these changes.

This is not a forever change because I don't believe in stripping myself from ice cream and chocolate for eternity. I've learned all too well that life is too short to cut out all the indulgences. I just want to spend a few months somewhat cleansing my body from processed junk and excess sugar. And... I'll be just in time for ice cream and fair weather in June.

But first, cruise to the Bahamas! Twelve days from today... can't wait!

Bravery Is...

{for a bereaved mom}

... getting out of bed every morning without crying

... putting on mascara {not the waterproof kind either} and embracing the day

... checking facebook even though she's sure to find pictures of infants, uterus', and random updates about how happy {or even worse, unhappy} their friends/acquaintances are in pregnancy

... going to baby showers and congratulating friends on their new babies

... checking the mail despite the heavy amounts of baby paraphernalia

... checking email with the likelihood of developmental update ones where "your baby" is at this point in their life.

... going to Target and walking past the baby aisles

... looking in the mirror to see that "mom body" she longed for but now loathes as a reminder of what she is missing

... watching television and seeing the tunnel vision of babies everywhere you look

... going to church and praising God in the greatest storm of your life

... going to Costco on the weekend. Is it me, or is every single family and child in that place on Sat./Sun.?

... becoming pregnant again {no, not me} with all the anxiety that comes with subsequent pregnancies after a loss

... walking into the OB/GYN and not hyperventilating upon seeing all the pregnant women and infants

...standing up to those jerks people who attempt to "console" you by offering reasons why your baby had to die. Medical or not, they aren't ever helpful.
 
... laughing, smiling, and seeing the beautiful sunshine that is new every morning despite our struggles and sadness

... explaining to a stranger that your child has passed and for once not making the effort to console them

{these obviously aren't all true of me... but I find these acts to be courageous}

Can you think of any I missed, BLMs?

Without a Cause

I got a call back from my doctor last night at 6:30 all to tell me that the results received from the Mayo Clinic from the autopsy {makes me sick typing this} on our sweet boy were completely normal. There is simply no answer for why he passed away. No chromosomal defects or abnormalities (occurs in about 20% of stillbirths). No disease/sickness/virus/illness/clotting. No birth defects.
 
None.

While I was hospitalized during labor, before, and after Andrew's birth, I had blood drawn by what felt like the gallon. They needed it to test for all the issues that may have complicated things. My biggest concern was blood clots as I mentioned in my former post. Since I was pregnant when they extracted the blood and still had the pregnancy hormones within my body, the tests weren't expected to be completely accurate... but the big red flags would tell if something very serious was wrong and needed to be attended to for my own health.

The first batch of blood test results came back and all were normal except two parts: antithrombin III and protein s. These blood clotting disorders are extremely rare and unlikely considering the others I did not have that were more common. My doctor explained that since I tested negative for certain other ones, having a deficiency or excess would contradict those results-- so they weren't expecting me to come back positive from the second batch of testing anyway. It was all done as a precautionary and rule-out method.

I received my bloodwork back from my second batch of testing and I am clear of all blood clotting disorders. I'm relieved. That means not only great things for our future children (complications + passing on that gene), but it means I don't have to take/inject a blood thinner for the rest of my life to preserve my own health. Sometimes the presence of a blood clot around/near/in a baby is what saves the lives of the mother with such disorders by making them aware-- but we don't have that concern. Our Andrew lost his life for no known cause at all. The truth is, a large number of stillbirths have no known cause. That's us.

As long as we've done everything we could to assure our next attempt at children will not be catastrophic by our negligence or lack of testing, we're pleased. Sometimes this just happens {sadly 1 in every 160 babies}... and we have to accept that we had something horrible happen without answers. But before we carry forward, we needed to know that there were no preventative measures we were neglecting.

Will we be a complete mental and emotional wreck for subsequent pregnancies, of course. Is it worth it?  Absolutely.

Hi. We're the Wilsons and We're FUN.

This is just a post of fun.We have fun. We are capable and willing to enjoy life. We must move forward. {a little mantra I must tell myself on bad days}

Last month I got together with some girlfriends for wine tasting at a local wine shop. I had been there before with my sister-in-law and mother-in-law and it was a lot of fun going back.

Standing with my friend Liz and random butler statue.

With Kristi...

In the back of Liz's car leaving the wine bar. I was basically butt-to-the-window and we were all completely illegal... for a whole... 2 blocks. Then Alli (next to me) and I got out of the car. She went into her house, I hopped in my car.

We bought a groupon (seriously, who isn't grouponing? It's amazzzzing!) for a local ski hill and decided to check it out. What you're looking at is the entire ski hill area. That's 2 "runs", one "bunny", and an expert/trick run. Despite it being super chill, I still managed to fall. Twice. I was able to make it up the hill about 12 times before my arms no longer could function.

The tow rope. There's no J bar, so it's more like a hold-on-for-dear-life rope all the way to the top. That was by far the most challenging thing about the day.

That's one good looking husband right there.

The ski hill sign. It's exactly 2.4 miles from our front door. No joke.

After we were exhausted from holding that tow rope and basically gave up trying, we headed to Costco for a sweet sled and then found ourselves a sled hill in our town as well... about 1 mile farther than the ski hill. It had a more intense slope as well! Let's just say we wouldn't let a child under the age of 10 down this hill... it was that intense!

Here's Ray about to descend on the hill of death. For a trained eye, you might be able to make out the inappropriateness that is written on the frozen lake in the top right background of this photo. Classy folks, I tell ya.

That's Ray in the center. It may not look scary, but we both admit it was pretty terrifying!

So there you have it. Proof we are actually out enjoying life. I can only see the excitement growing from here.

One more groupon plug before ending. If you aren't, you really should. Here is a breakdown of deals we've scored on groupon in the last few months alone. I'm sure there are more, but I can't remember them all:

• $10 for $20 worth of Geno's East Pizza
• $15 for $35 worth of Mexican food at a local joint
• $55 for 30 minutes of Whirlyball (that's half off! We paid full price in the summer before grouponing)
• $15 for $30 of food at Stir Crazy Mongolian BBQ
• $10 for $20 of merchandise at Soap.com (same as diapers.com = awesome website!)
• $25 for $50 at Nordstrom Rack
• $20 for $40 at The Body Shop
• $25 for $50 at The Gap (best one yet because we could use it on sale items!)
• $3 for hot dog, fries, and drink at a Chicago hot dog place (obviously my husband took part, not me)
• $30 for Bon Jovi/Kid Rock tickets at Soldier Field (we bought two and saw them last summer!)
• $20 for lift tickets (haha. or tow rope tickets) + ski rentals at Four Lakes 

So seriously people, if you aren't grouponing... you're missing out!

Middle School Hodgepodge

I love middle school. It's a wonder to me why I never thought to teach it before. Subbing frequently in the same middle school has opened my eyes to a whole world of kids that I just love being around. Maybe it's their awkwardness. I don't know... but I adore them.

Today was the first day back to the middle school.

Aside from having no lesson plans, the day went well. I started out at the elementary school and drove a few blocks to the middle school at lunch. This particular teacher splits her days between each school. I was familiar with her position and students she had in her classroom.

I started out with lunch duty. Basically, watch all the eighth graders cut in line and pretend like you don't see them doing it. Proceed to send them to the back of the line and make sure they aren't throwing food. Pretty basic. A bunch of those eighth graders knew me. I heard one kid say, "You had your baby" but I ignored and didn't make eye contact. A boy tells me he remembers me because I'm the one who issued him a detention. Really? Gosh, can't remember. Then another group of girls. This time, more awkward.

girl: Did you have your baby?
me: Yep.
girl: What was his name again?
me: Andrew.
girl: Oh yeah, that's right. I remember that day in science when you wouldn't tell us as we tried really hard to guess....

No need to insert the "but he's dead" in there.

I managed to get through one class without anyone asking and then 8th period came. New group of kids:

girl: Oh, you had your baby! Did you bring pictures? I want to see them!
boy: Oh yeah. That's right. You were going to have a baby.
me: Yeah, but I don't have pictures to show you.
girl: Why not?
me: My baby was sick.
girl: Well, is he getting better?
boy: Is he getting better? Is he going to live?
me: Well, no.
boy: So he's going to die?
me: He already died.
girl: That happened to my cousin. Her baby died too.
boy: When did he die?
me: He was not born alive.
boy: He died inside of you?
girl: Oh, so you had a miscarriage?
me: Well, no---
girl: Let's stop talking about this. It's probably making you sad. I'm sorry.
me: Bad things happen and I'm really sad he died, too. But we have to move forward. Good things will happen again even though I am sad about this. {...hands out sheet on area/perimeter and proceeds to teach}

Love that girl. I was actually pretty comfortable talking about him with them.

Around 2 p.m., the students had an assembly done by this woman. I am still not sure what to make of her personally, but the advice she gave to students about bullying was pretty great. Her stories seemed a bit over the top, but I hope it impacted some kids and gave them a voice. Even if she exaggerated her story a bit like this blogger suggests, I hope it hit home to some students that they don't deserve to be treated poorly by anyone.

The reason I mention... during her talk she asked the entire audience to close their eyes and to "think back to the worst day of your life." Well, then she went on to talk about bullying and the time you were bullied being the worst day of your life. All I needed to hear was "worst day of your life" and my mind was off on its own journey. Of course we all know where my mind went-- straight back to that triage room in the hospital on December 5. The time where my doctor told me she was sorry and my son did not have a heartbeat. I had to hold the tears in but managed to divert my attention to a time when I was bullied after a brief "going there" moment.

I have three distinct memories from my childhood of bullying. Ironically, they all happened when I was in elementary/middle school-- not high school.

Memory 1: being forcefully dunked underwater at Monsoon Lagoon-- a small water park that is no longer open in Redondo Beach, CA. One of the adult supervisors was the one dunking me! Little did he know how that affected me emotionally. To this day I still have a fear of water.

Memory 2: sitting in Mrs. Goldstein's 6th grade social studies classroom and hearing the voices of my classmates after finding out I just started my period (tmi, sorry) yell... "Brandy, what period is it?", "What period is after social studies, Brandy?" I was mortified. I felt so embarrassed that my body was turning into a woman's body. I'm so thankful for that gift now... because that is what allows me the opportunity to bear children, God willing.

Memory 3: standing on the playground with my two "friends" Angeline and Sara in 6th grade-- both wore makeup at this point and I did not. They made fun of me for not wearing mascara. It doesn't sound all that traumatic now... not sure why I was even hurt by that. It does go to show that to children, no matter how big or small we think the issue is, it might matter a whole lot to them. We should never discount their feelings.

So, there you have it. My hodgepodge. Quite the writeup of randomness, but it's what was streaming through my brain today.