The Most Wonderful Gift

I'd like to think I showed progress today, but it's probably just the grief train going easy on me right now, in this very moment. I'm not counting my chickens, however, because we all know it changes like the wind.

Today our NILMDTS photos arrived in our brand new mailbox. {My husband is quite handy.}

Breathtaking. 

My heart was beating out of my chest as I clicked the CD into my laptop this afternoon. I propped the Kleenex right next to me knowing that at any moment I might burst into hysterics. But you know what?

I didn't. I was just in awe of what incredible beauty he was. He is. For the first time since he was born, I was proud. Up until now I've been ashamed, frustrated, angry, embarrassed. But today, seeing those photos made me incredibly proud to be the mother of that little boy.

These photos are 5 months, 4 days old, and the same age our Andrew would be if he were here with us today. I have been on pins and needles hoping to receive them since at least January. Finally, they're here. He looks nothing like a dead baby-- but a newborn (as he was). The photographer did an incredible job capturing his gorgeous features. They look no different than a photo shoot of a living child. Perhaps a discerning eye could tell, but to me, they're perfect.

I guess my only sadness is knowing that this is it. There are no more special Andrew photos making their appearance any time, ever again. This is all we've got. About 5 of our own images, roughly 30 printed copies of poor quality from the hospital, and 17 from the professional photographer. Just about 50 photos of my child. I have more photos of him inside my body than I do on the outside and there is no turning back. No more photos are there to take. No body present to be photographed. I suppose those photos are even more precious as all of them were taken when he had life in his body. He was breathing. He was growing. Those are my happy memories.

I hesitate to share these. I don't believe this is the forum, though I know others might disagree. Because he is our only child and only 3 people besides the hospital staff and our photographer have seen any photos of Andrew at all, it feels sacred. He is sacred to me. His body, his photos. While I would be willing to share with people, I don't feel it belongs broadcast on the blog. I want to have the opportunity to share them with people I know, love, and respect. I know, love, and respect many of you who read, but there are many people I don't know that in cases of stillbirth, (still) do not fully understand how important it is for our children to be treated as something beautiful rather than diseased. I refuse to allow a single scoff at the sight of my child. I can't control that via the internet. My son deserves protection from his mother and I'm proud to protect him.

Maternal instinct kicking in? I guess. I'm still not sure what that's like if I'm being really honest.

But this boy... he's beautiful. Downright gorgeous. I hope Andrew's future brothers/sisters have some of his features. I'd love a piece of him carried on through our family in the flesh.