Back to Decking the Halls

Well, it's back. The Christmas crap decor. It hasn't been seen since two years ago and if Benjamin weren't here, it'd probably still be collecting cobwebs. But, we are somewhat happy to oblige because we want him to have good memories. It's just hard because we decorated our home literally hours before I delivered Andrew. So needless to say, I re-live that day over and over in my head and it's not as pretty as our Christmas-music-blaring-and-decorating-party we were having thinking our son would be coming home just days later to see the decor himself. Hopefully I can make this a tad less depressing of a post. Meh.

Here's what Christmas looks like from the front of our abode.

This photo. With great deliberation, we decided Andrew's stocking (you know, the one we bought hours before he died, of course) would hang for him, but near his urn. I decided this year to place the cards people sent about him on his birthday inside the stocking. In future years, I don't anticipate many at all, so maybe that will be where the holiday cards go. I love the idea of Andrew's stocking carrying the love people send for our family. He's part. 

Tree Admiring

We have colored mini lights. Growing up, Ray had big, colored bulb lights. We also did, but the majority of my childhood was spent with mini white lights. Our compromise? Mini colored lights. I also think decorations on trees are for children and Benjamin deserves the colorful magic.

Watching Dad hang the wreaths on the doors.

 Making it his goal to suck on every. single. ornament. before it went on the tree.

Part of the mantle. The two stockings on the left are our newlywed stockings. The one on the right is actually one of three. I bought three stockings in 2010, two were green and one was red-- Andrew had the red. We were to be a family of three and he was to be born very soon. We had those three stockings hanging and the newlywed ones were being retired that year. I thought. Now Benjamin is here and we still think Andrew deserves his red stocking. And Benjamin needed one, so he received one of the green ones. If we have another kid, they'll get the other green one. If we're lucky. I sort of like Andrew having a special red one. It made us too sad to have his stocking on the mantle for it to remain empty each year, but it will hang still.

More fun decor. The tree is Pottery Barn and I bought it back in college. The snowman is a thrift purchase, and the 3 Santas are a gift from our tutor in Germany.

Our new Christmas addition of Andrew's name framed from Carly & African man dressed as Santa. I bought his hat and beard at Target a few years back. They're actually for dogs. He's holding a basket of Christmas cards we've received so far.

Maasai Elder African Santa

Our Christmas Pyramid. It's our big purchase from Germany.

Plate, ready for cookies for Santa. Dad is a cookie-monger. Cookies will be made.

The advent I researched and researched and bought and had sent to my in-laws house while we were living in Germany. I wanted it that bad. You know, because my kids would love it. Now, days 1-5 are reserved for Andrew and we'll probably start on December 8 as well. Random tidbit: I remember talking with my parents about how I wished Andrew wouldn't be born on December 7, because that's Pearl Harbor Day and that would be sad. Let's just say we'll be spending Days 1-7 of December in remembrance. We'll re-convene with the whole advent business beginning on the 8th-- when we can turn the house around.

We were discussing Christmas decor the other day. I remember vividly sobbing on the couch and staring at the lit Christmas tree in the corner. The stockings (three-- 2 green, 1 red) hanging and all the other decor perfectly out. We wanted to take pictures in front of the tree with Andrew when he arrived home. But instead, I sat there staring at the tree in shock. You know it's shock when you don't think to strip all of the ornaments off and ditch the tree out the door. As I look back, I had no idea what to do or how to react. We were in such disbelief that we were still in the sad and confused state, not angry. I don't remember when we put the decor away that year, but it's still surprising to me that we didn't rid the house of all the happy objects immediately. I guess we were too preoccupied with sobbing and trying to rid ourselves of the baby gear that was intermingled with the red and green.

To all those families who lost their children today, I'm beyond sad. I burst into tears a number of times listening to the media depict the day's events. This world is such a dark and evil place at times. It saddens me greatly to know so many families have joined such heartbreak.