Old Grief

What will grief look like when we're 60?

Currently, we're celebrating Christmas with Andrew in our presence. He has a stocking hanging near the tree, where his ashes are on the bookshelf. I bought him an ornament last year and this year and intend to buy one every year forevermore. Of course, that makes me wonder if by my 60th year, he'll have 32 ornaments? What will I do with them all, and how healthy will that be?

I know my grief will change. But I don't ever want it to change so drastically that Andrew is a distant memory. It's already hard enough admitting that he sort of is that distant memory.

I struggle with thinking about how eventually this mourning might become old hat. Andrew used to be the first person I woke up thinking about. Now, that's not the case. I guess it's healthy that he's not, but I still think of him many times each day.

December is just his month. It's hard for me not to think about him often. It's hard for me to hang decorations and walk by them all day long without thinking about being pregnant with him. After all, it was the last time Christmas decorations were seen in and around our home.

I can't imagine blogging about grief from age 28 until I'm elderly. Or maybe I can? I do love to write and I did start this blog far before Andrew died... so maybe I can keep writing. Will I write about him every year? I'm scared of the answer, honestly. I want to know his memory is alive to me and I fear that this grief will get "old" in some ways.

What about you guys? Ever think about how grief will change over the course of your lifetime?