Monday, January 13, 2014

Updates From Labor & Delivery

Well, I'm back. Again. For the last time. I'm hooked up to monitors for Claire's heartbeat and contractions. No Cervidil. No IV. No Pitocin. Just monitors. I'm basically here for an overnight NST. At 6 a.m. tomorrow morning, I'll be given Pitcoin (which I had with Benjamin). Elliot will come about two hours later and be with me for the duration. They've already offered me an Ambien so I'll sleep before it all begins. It's weird being here alone, but I know it's really uneventful and quite uncomfortable for Elliot to be here. And honestly, I want Benjamin to have normalcy tonight with Dad at home before his world is given a spin.

Both of the weekend NSTs went great. She moved like a champ (go figure!) and I got 4 hours of monitoring to calm my nerves a bit. I still performed plenty of kick counts at home, but those NSTs were worth whatever they end up charging us.

I've been scurrying to get things ready for Benjamin, my parents, and my friend Danielle who will take over tomorrow until my parents arrive late Tuesday. The teacher in me got right to work on my "sub" notes, complete with addresses and phone numbers of places we often go with Benjamin. The fridge is stocked, the pantry was already stocked, and I cooked/baked things that my son might actually eat 4 bites of before giving up. I'm so thankful we have such good friends willing to fill in while we're not able and that my parents could make the trip out to spend a week with Benjamin.

We're hoping our family is not separated for over a week, but we have to be realistic about things. I'm being induced at exactly 36 weeks. That's considered pre-term. Which means Claire will be born a preemie. Not a super small one (hoping for 6lbs! Though, B was 7lb.6oz. and still earned himself 4 days in the NICU at just barely term), but premature nonetheless. Which means... we're sort of setting ourselves up for a NICU stay. It would be amazing if she did not need NICU time, but we just want her alive.

My mind and heart have been all over the place. Nervous. Anxious. Frustrated. Excited.

I'm nervous about being away from Benjamin. I already miss him and it hasn't even been 3 hours since I got hugs and kisses from him last. I'm nervous about choosing to induce our daughter this early. But, I'm more nervous about leaving her in with the uncertainty of Cholestasis that can strike at any time without much medical understanding. I'm nervous about another NICU stay. I'm nervous she will show distress. I'm nervous about the delivery and if that will go well and safely. I'm nervous about seeing her struggle. There are just so many uncertainties.

I'm anxious. We have gone back and forth about whether this is the right decision to induce. This condition is rare. And risky. Most people have happy and healthy inductions with this condition. But most is not good enough for us. The itching, even with 1200mg of the Ursodiol drug in me each day tells me that my levels are fluctuating and uncertain. That while she's in there each minute, she's growing and maturing as she should, but could also being exposed to something we're uncertain about with consequences I'm not willing to gamble.

I'm frustrated we are going through another strange induction. It's frustrating knowing that we didn't get to make it to 38 weeks and have a normal, happy induction with our daughter in mother-baby and going home 2 days later. Yes, it could happen, but I doubt it. I'm frustrated that I've been pregnant 4 times and none of them ended in the simple, happy, fairytale ending we imagined. Even if she doesn't have a NICU stay, this end is not something I desired for her.

I'm excited about having a living daughter. I'm excited Benjamin will likely have a little sister and grow up with someone else to interact with. I'm excited for our family to welcome another grandchild and niece. I'm excited I won't ever be pregnant again and this condition will go away!

Here we are again... updates to come tomorrow! Thanks for all the emails and comments of support. We appreciate them all.


Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

im happy you are in a place where you're being monitored overnight...i bet that's even more reassuring!
you're such an amazing mom to look out for b in so many ways! he's so loved!
ben was a premie at 36 weeks and 4 pounds (he's says he'd know how Claire feels if she's that small ;). ), and look at him now!
if I were closer I'd come sing to you, you'd for sure ask for the ambian then just to sleep through my crazy voice!
rest up! you're almost there! hugs and prayers!! xoxo

Danielle said... [Reply to comment]

Feeling your anxiousness and excitement with each word. Your voiced sounded calmer, hopeful, yet cautious. Hope you're sleeping soundly, my friend. Can't wait to see that beautiful breathing baby girl tomorrow!!! ♡♡♡♡

Mama Bear said... [Reply to comment]

Glad for the monitors tonight! I'm looking forward to a happy mama and baby picture soon. You can do this. xoxo

Katie Truelove said... [Reply to comment]

Continuing to pray and can't wait to hear more about sweet Claire!

Mary said... [Reply to comment]

I'm so glad things went well this weekend! You're in the homestretch the prize is almost here and what a great prize she is!

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

I told Matt about your plan to go in last night and both of us found ourselves in tears. I respect your decision to get Claire out as safely as possible for both of you. We are intimately aware of this sacrifice, the fear, anxiety and excitement that comes with it. We are sending love and courage and hope that although it will never be as it should ... That it is a good and healthy journey forward.

LookItsJessica said... [Reply to comment]

Its almost 9am so you're in the thick of it now! Hoping for a smooth labor and delivery this morning. You are making the best decision for your daughter by inducing now. Like you said, you can handle anything that comes with alive. Best wishes!

LookItsJessica said... [Reply to comment]

Its almost 9am so you're in the thick of it now! Hoping for a smooth labor and delivery this morning. You are making the best decision for your daughter by inducing now. Like you said, you can handle anything that comes with alive. Best wishes!

Sarah said... [Reply to comment]

I am so excited for you. I was in the same position two months ago, so I know all about that fear. But having the baby out in the world, and having some of the responsibility shifted to doctors and nurses, was the greatest relief of my life. Hoping that you have a big, healthy Claire in your arms soon.

Veronica said... [Reply to comment]

Its 10:30am here in Toronto. I'm hoping you're rested and on your way to delivering Claire!

I haven't been through as many pregnancies as you have (I think...yeah, I'm at 3) but not one has ended in the way I imagined. There is certainly frustration in that. So many women have deliveries filled with euphoria and ooze with earth mamma bliss in how they're able to deal with birthing their children...and it's really a hard thing to have that robbed from your life as a mother. Albeit, as blms, getting the children alive and out is a new requirement in which others assume is pregnancies norm.

I'm so so so happy Tuesday is finally here! It felt like years had to pass when you posted about it before the weekend! Lol!

Here's to Claire's birthday!!! Safe and warm. Alive and well. I'm praying you 2 surprise everyone (including yourself) and are home by Thursday :)

Sending love

Rachel said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking of you and your family!!

Renel said... [Reply to comment]

Reading in reverse. I knew these things were in your heart and on your mind but when I read your words I worry with you. I'm excited and hopeful but nervous and anxious. I know the crazy is hard at the end. I was induced unexpectedly the last day of my peri stoplight visit so I get that things get tricky suddenly. I'm just so glad she is here and alive. We've been on the flip side and Claire is here!!!!! I'm so happy for you.