That's what my friend and fellow babyloss mom, Melissa, has been emailing me over the last couple weeks.
This diagnosis is really throwing me some curveballs. Excuse me for posting exclusively about this scary pregnancy for the duration of it... because it is consuming every crevice of my mind.
My OB personally called me yesterday to tell me the liver function test was not good and my levels there were high, too. She was not surprised and I wasn't either. High bile acids indicate your liver is not working like it should. The bile acids test has not returned yet, but we can only assume it's not looking pretty. I will find out tomorrow at my NST appt.
Now that both overseeing MFMs are on board and clearly see the urgency in my case now, they specifically told my OB that we need to make it to 36 weeks (Tuesday) and then it's go-time.
I'm having this baby next week... if she makes it that long. The clause I never want to add, but reluctantly must. It's all that is going on in my brain right now. She had hiccups three times this morning. Does that mean she is in distress? Is there meconium in the fluid? These thoughts never rest.
My OB said we have a decision to make-- will it be next Wednesday at 36w1d, or next Friday at 36w3d? She also said I could come in for daily NSTs if that is what gets me through. I just might.
Will we have a living child? Hopefully.
Will we have a living child with potential NICU time for either choice? Probably.
Will the 36w3d choice be wiser to avoid NICU time? Likely.
Can we wait that long, knowing we are putting her in danger even longer inside my body? Unlikely.
We both agree that we'd LOVE to wait until 36w3d, but really, we'd love to wait until 40 weeks! That's just not happening. The difference of those two days seems harrowing. Knowing the anxiety that I am currently experiencing, we might just be scraping it to Wednesday. And honestly, if these bile acids come back astronomically higher than my 132 (already over 3x the severe mark), Wednesday isn't going to be a consideration, but a decision made.
On Tuesday at my 35w appointment, I went from an induction date of 37w6d (without Cholestasis) to possibly 37w3d (diagnosed with symptoms) to 36 weeks. These decisions all happened in 24-hours.
We can handle anything that comes with alive. Of course I don't want my daughter to deal with NICU time. But I feel like my body is slowly trying to kill her and I just can't take that chance. If we're lucky enough to see her born alive, we'll handle anything that comes with being alive.
Probably more updates tomorrow after my NST.
Heartbreak and Healing
1 year ago