Thursday, January 9, 2014

You Can Handle Anything That Comes With Alive

That's what my friend and fellow babyloss mom, Melissa, has been emailing me over the last couple weeks.

This diagnosis is really throwing me some curveballs. Excuse me for posting exclusively about this scary pregnancy for the duration of it... because it is consuming every crevice of my mind.

My OB personally called me yesterday to tell me the liver function test was not good and my levels there were high, too. She was not surprised and I wasn't either. High bile acids indicate your liver is not working like it should. The bile acids test has not returned yet, but we can only assume it's not looking pretty. I will find out tomorrow at my NST appt.

Now that both overseeing MFMs are on board and clearly see the urgency in my case now, they specifically told my OB that we need to make it to 36 weeks (Tuesday) and then it's go-time.

I'm having this baby next week... if she makes it that long. The clause I never want to add, but reluctantly must. It's all that is going on in my brain right now. She had hiccups three times this morning. Does that mean she is in distress? Is there meconium in the fluid? These thoughts never rest.

My OB said we have a decision to make-- will it be next Wednesday at 36w1d, or next Friday at 36w3d? She also said I could come in for daily NSTs if that is what gets me through. I just might.

Will we have a living child? Hopefully.
Will we have a living child with potential NICU time for either choice? Probably.
Will the 36w3d choice be wiser to avoid NICU time? Likely.
Can we wait that long, knowing we are putting her in danger even longer inside my body? Unlikely.

We both agree that we'd LOVE to wait until 36w3d, but really, we'd love to wait until 40 weeks! That's just not happening. The difference of those two days seems harrowing. Knowing the anxiety that I am currently experiencing, we might just be scraping it to Wednesday. And honestly, if these bile acids come back astronomically higher than my 132 (already over 3x the severe mark), Wednesday isn't going to be a consideration, but a decision made.

On Tuesday at my 35w appointment, I went from an induction date of 37w6d (without Cholestasis) to possibly 37w3d (diagnosed with symptoms) to 36 weeks. These decisions all happened in 24-hours.

We can handle anything that comes with alive. Of course I don't want my daughter to deal with NICU time. But I feel like my body is slowly trying to kill her and I just can't take that chance. If we're lucky enough to see her born alive, we'll handle anything that comes with being alive.

Probably more updates tomorrow after my NST.


Mary said... [Reply to comment]

Praying and I know that's all you need!

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

Sending love. Wishing you as much calm as possible and continuing to hope always.

Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

wisdom your way for sure! gaaaa see this is anxiety (unlike the mil comments) and I wish you didn't have to walk this path but the 40 weeker path! you're an amazing mama!

Party of Three Heads said... [Reply to comment]

Gosh Brandy, I can not EVEN imagine! Argh. Praying for wisdom and knowledge in the doctors, and an uneventful last few days before Clair is brought into this world.. ALIVE and WELL! Hugs Momma!

Laura Jane said... [Reply to comment]

Come on baby Claire! T-minus less than 7 more sleeps until you will likely be arriving. Please be alive. We all need you. <3

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

I love Melissa. She's so spot on with that statement.

As you know hiccups freaked me out too . Mary had them several time A day while I'm utero. I had asked my doctor about it and she said that hiccups are good sign of a baby practicing breathing movements and that they can't hiccup too much. I know our brains tend to go the other direction, but that doesn't mean that those hiccups are hurting Claire one bit or a sign of anything other than a healthy babe who is going to hiccup a lot after she's born.

You're so close and you're doing such a great job being Claire's advocate.

Molly said... [Reply to comment]

You got this! Come in Wednesday!

Jessica said... [Reply to comment]

I am not sure if this will give you any piece of mind, but Maxwell arrived at 34w and only needed 11 days in NICU because of jaundice other than that he was just fine. That gave him an "adjusted age" of 35w4d with NICU time and Claire is going to be past that when she arrives which is to her advantage and could mean little to no nicu time. I am sorry I joked about sharing her birthday, but if that is what is best for her it would be an

Jessica said... [Reply to comment] honor! (Silly iphone makes comments do weird things)

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking good thoughts for you and baby Claire.

Mihaela said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking of you. Come on baby C, hang in there!

Becky said... [Reply to comment]

Ugh! Well from my own experience delivering at 36 weeks would've allowed me to have a living baby versus waiting for 37 weeks assuming baby would be healthier. It sucks no matter what but alive and in the nicu a bit is better than waiting. Sorry to hear your pregnancy has gotten even more stressful. Almost done though.

Marianne said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking of you!! How scary for you. I would definitely say go with the earlier date. Our daughter was born at 35w5d due to pre-e and she was only in NICU for a few hours (and that was due to the magnesium I received that made her sleepy). She had an active suck reflex for breast feeding and once the mag was out of her system she required no breathing assistance. 36 weeks she will be fine!

Marianne said... [Reply to comment]

Btw our daughter's name is Clare :-)

Addi's mom said... [Reply to comment]

I was really hoping THIS was going to be your ideal delivery experience. I can't believe this is really happening. Alive wins every time. Whatever it takes. Sending lots of love in the coming days.

Katie Truelove said... [Reply to comment]

I've been praying for you and I will continue to pray<3 For strength and wisdom and safety. I'm so glad you've been persistent and have listened to your gut. Praying and hoping with you guys and Claire.

Amelia said... [Reply to comment]

I am sending non stop light and love.

Mama Bear said... [Reply to comment]

That is good advice from a smart cookie. I am sorry this is so hard.

I don't know what I can say or do, but if you have any NICU concerns or questions that you think I could help with, please be in touch!

Alive and healthy Claire!

My New Normal said... [Reply to comment]

I completely agree with Melissa, she sure is smart.

Such scary times, but at least now it seems that your doctors are all on board which must be some comfort.

Hang in there. I will be saying a few extra prayers for you.

Heather said... [Reply to comment]

Thank you for sharing every single detail with us. I have been reading each post and anxiously awaiting the next to see if things improve. I'm praying for you and Claire nonstop right now. Hang in there! Lots of love to you! -Heather

Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

I don't want NICU time for you either. But I think in your position, I'd want to go for 36 weeks and not wait those extra 3 days. I'm so sorry you have to make this decision--I know it must be terrifying. Sending hugs.

Amy L. said... [Reply to comment]

I agree with Melissa, too. I'm so, SO happy that you took things into your own hands, trusted your gut and now have your team 100% on board. Later may be preferred, but alive and healthy - with a healthy mama - is most important and what I'll be praying for. <3

Veronica said... [Reply to comment]

Oh brandy. I'm on pins and needles waiting for Claire. And waiting for more news about your nst.

Melissa is right. If alive is achieved, we can deal. We can handle this. But my goodness, this last chapter of pregnancy and actually getting her here alive is pure torture. Thinking about nicu time...and thinking about how she'll do if pulled too early. .. It just wears on your soul as a mother.

I'm pulling for you. I have so much positive energy built up inside me that Claire will be ok, and I'm sending it all to you.

Theo was born at 37w5d and we chose to stay in hospital for an extra day because he was "pushing" on the exhale, and making a moaning noise when breathing. They told me it WAS NOT because we delivered before 38 weeks (which I originally had really wanted to do...39 at one point). I was reeling with guilt that I took him out too early because of fear and BLM brain. But they ASSURED me that if he were born at 38 or 39 weeks he would still be struggling a little with clearing the bit of fluid in his lungs because of the quick delivery while traveling through the birth canal. Because he didn't slowly decend and get super squeezed during that last bit of labor, fluid stayed in his lungs. 36 to 39 weeks. Wudda been the same post birth.

That being said (yes, I have a point here somewhere). My niece who I told you about who was delivered via csection at 32w5d seemed to clear the fluid out of her lungs better than theo!! Sure, she did nicu time because she was SUPER early, but they held her there more based on weight requirements. She did really well breathing on her own after 2 weeks in hospital...and that still meant she was less than 35 weeks! Girls really do do better if born early. My nieces jaundice cleared up faster than Theos too!

Girls kick ass. Claire is gonna kick ass.

Hugs and love. Strong mama, you and your daughter are in my prayers.

Flmgodog said... [Reply to comment]

You CAN handle anything that comes with ALIVE.
I will be crossing everything to be crossed that both you and Claire arrive on the other side safely.

I went insane with worry towards the end. First they wanted me to get to 34w and I had been saying alive was the only thing that mattered. When I made it to 34w next goal was 36w. I actually made it to 35w5d when I went insane and said these kids have to come out. I could not handle another BL. I had one twin naturally and one by emergency c-section. When I was hysterical in the OR I told my MFM get him out. He has to be alive!!!

You can do this and your docs also have to KNOW that the time for better out than in is VERY CLOSE.

Danielle said... [Reply to comment]

Making these tough decisions suck and the sleeplessness is daunting... love and prayers as you wait...

Danielle said... [Reply to comment]

Making these tough decisions suck and the sleeplessness is daunting... love and prayers as you wait...

WyoGirl said... [Reply to comment]

I have been following your blog since I found it after losing my son, a full-term stillborn in October 2011. I have been praying for you and Claire. I hope the news is good at your NST today and that God grants you peace in your induction decision. I'm glad that you followed your instinct and forced the docs to pay attention...and that they are now fully on board with you.

God, I pray that Claire enters this world screaming, healthy and into the loving arms of her family.

Mary said... [Reply to comment]

I've checked your blog every hour today! I hope things went well. Praying

LookItsJessica said... [Reply to comment]

Hoping for a a great NST and that Wednesday comes quick!