Present Day Prophet

Do you believe in prophecy?

I cannot say whether or not I do. Though I have a relationship with God and know that prophecy is meant to be a "gift" to some, I simply have a hard time believing it. Aside from the Bible, I've never seen/heard of a prophecy "coming true", but I also don't know of much being prophesied. 

Recently my mom encountered a prophet (while she was walking her dog) who spoke information to her of the future. One of my friends also had a complete stranger (just as my mom did) confront her on an airplane once about something that is meant to happen to her daughter in the future. Another friend was approached by her friend who dreamt something (true) of her, though no one had any idea.

I just find such experiences bizarre. Not in a negative way, but the whole idea just perplexes me. I've never had anyone approach me with any information about my life, history, or future, so it makes it even more convoluted to me. Maybe I'm too skeptical. 

Have you ever experienced an interaction with a prophet? 

Life is What You Make of It

I don't believe a whole lot of those cliche terms, but I believe this one. Our lives are based on a string of events {good & bad} that occur and we can choose how to handle such situations. I also believe that life is based on experiences and those paired with relationships are the only two things my life is based on having. Relationships and experiences with others, including my Creator.

Today marks 2 months since Andrew's birth. December 5, 2010. January 5, 2011. February 5, 2011.

I have been telling myself the last few weeks that although we are sad, we have a future. I can choose to allow my sadness to overcome me everyday and never see the sun when it shines, or I can allow it to take me for just moments and enjoy the sunshine. I will allow myself to be "taken" for moments as I believe this is good for my grieving process and the chance to remember my son. It's a fine line from where we are now. Some days it's easy to say that I'm getting by and seeing the beauty each day brings. And some days I let my mind "go there" rather than live to the fullest. My son never escapes my mind. He'll always be with me in spirit, but I know that my life here is not over because we had to say goodbye. I know my life was enriched by him-- I was allowed to experience the miracle of life, praise God in his wonder, and love so deeply it hurts. I need to see the positive in those experiences rather than get hung up on logistics of his death and my sadness of that.

I've taken a new turn, I think, because my mind is focusing more on the future of children than the "why me?" I've sort of felt these last two months. We are talking about children and our minds are preparing for the possibility of becoming pregnant again. I think that's an important and healthy step in moving forward and although I'm obviously scared about complications in our second pregnancy, I must take the risk in order to have a chance at the amazing reward it will be to raise children.

This is a bit personal... but it's my blog and I hope all those who do read understand that my stream of thoughts are sometimes difficult to manage. Last night Ray played volleyball with friends at a city league tournament and I came as a spectator (as I did through my pregnancy). He played weekly until December 3rd when he decided to stop due to the upcoming birth of Andrew. We didn't know that two days later he would arrive. Well, Ray played again last night and it was a bit challenging for me. I was back to where we started just a couple days before Andrew was born, nearly 10 months pregnant. It made me sad. I wanted to feel pregnant again at that moment.

After, we headed out with our friends to a sports bar where I ordered a beer. It's still uncomfortable ordering alcohol. I just feel like I shouldn't {because of the baby} but I know there is no baby and I can do whatever I want. To add insult to injury, the waitress was pregnant-- I'd target her at about 7 months. Now, I'm not jealous of all pregnant women, it was just my feeling last night as I was reliving the experience of December 3rd and thinking back to what that day meant to me-- being pregnant, volleyball, friends afterward. It was a bit of a groundhog day moment that had a different ending-- an ending I didn't like because Andrew wasn't there with me. When the waitress brought me the beer {I didn't really want but ordered anyway}, her belly rubbed against my shoulder as she set it down on the table. I know that sounds creepy and random, but it was strange. It was the first pregnant belly I physically touched since Andrew was born and I felt really uncomfortable. Of course it wasn't elective touching by any means. On some days I actually crave pregnancy. Because Andrew was alive and thriving during most of my pregnancy, I felt my most beautiful and happy during those times.

Anyhow, all that to say... I am making due with my life right now and trying to find the good in each day. Some moments (like the one above) overtake me. I'm trying to redirect and not allow those moments to become whole days. I am blessed beyond belief with a wonderful family, husband, and friends. I know there is a future in sight that involves children. I just hope my anxiety and impatience won't hinder me from seeing the joy each day brings. I want this time to be an Awakening rather than the Dark Ages. I know that just as I am my worst critic and enemy, I'm hoping I'll also allow myself to also choose life and happiness {at least on most days}.

Snowpoc-mageddon-izzard

Snowpocalypse. Snowmageddon. Blizzard of 2011. Whatever you want to call it, Chicagoland is going crazy over this storm. It's rare that Chicago gets this much snow. Northwest Indiana and Southwest Michigan are the areas usually tanked by snow. Chicago, not so much. Except for this year.

Schools have been closed for 2-3 days and that's the first time Chicago public schools have experienced a snow day in 12 years! You would think the world was ending (hence the Armageddon reference) because the news has covered only one thing in the past 3 days. It's not only news but it's "breaking news" even though there hasn't been a single snowflake in well over 24 hours at this point. I'm sure everyone has seen the news and saw all the buried cars on Lakeshore Drive in downtown Chicago. I say... Why on Earth would you be driving on Lakeshore Drive (there are alternate routes) when we all knew this storm was coming?

We experienced snow like this in Germany last year, so it's not my first experience... but it is my first experience with a reaaaally long driveway and pathway to the front door! That equals lots of shoveling. While all the kids were out of school and just about everyone was off work, Ray shoveled himself out of our driveway and drove to work in record time-- even arriving 10 minutes early! Not a single person was there. At all. That's completely unheard of for a company that runs 3 shifts. I will admit that it was fun seeing all the kids playing outside in the snow on their first snowday ever and watching our neighbors dig through their driveways for 3+ hours yesterday. I watched people cross country ski down our street and walk snowblowers and shovels up and down our street to help out neighbors. Like I said, pretty rare ocurrance around these parts. We get snow, but it's a few inches here and there... and then it just sits there for months because it's so darn cold here and never has a chance to melt.

It starts... photo taken around 7:00 a.m. on Wednesday, February 2, 2011.

That's my husband-- all geared up in snow pants, jacket, goggles, gloves, turtle fur, and a hat!

Spying on our neighbor just as he began the big digout.

Sometimes... we're not smart. Why didn't we notice before the crazy blizzard that we had a package at our front door? We never enter our front door because we have an attached garage... so this usually slips our mind. It's never a problem until we have a crazy storm like this! I had the lovely opportunity of scraping ice off the interior of our glass door. Bummer.

That would be our package. In case you're interested... it's this.

Just about done with the digout.

 You know, just our mailbox.

And for kicks... a fun photo of my husband getting his Zumba on. He reads this, but not often. He'll probably notice in say... 2 days. Haha. :)  See that terrible popcorn ceiling and wallpaper? That's our next project to tackle. We had the "popcorn" tested for asbestos and it has none! When everything seems to be working against us lately, at least we don't have to deal with that potential safety hazard. Now that we have the results, we can pay someone attempt to scrape and strip the room down. Which reminds me that I still haven't posted photos of our laundry room. Partly because we won't be putting on a new door until the spring and partly because we still have a whiteboard to buy/hang that will complete the room. Until then, it's still "under construction" but on a temporary hiatus.

On the Email Offense

In my inbox today: "You and Your Baby -- Month 2" from Gerber. How nice of them.

Here's what I do to get rid of them (instead of sending them to the junk mail or deleting them... they're likely to return):

1. Open the email.
2. Scroll down to the bottom of it.
3. Click unsubscribe.
4. When they ask for an explanation and provide a comments section, write something like this: "Because I don't have a 2-month old child. My child died. I find these emails hurtful and offensive. Please take me off your list immediately."

There. That should do the trick. They never thought about that, did they? What if the baby doesn't make it and moms and dads are left with their painful emails?

I never even subscribed to their emails... but lucky for all us BLMs, they managed to buy our information from someone else in the baby industry.

As for the rest of my day (since I just had breakfast and read emails), I'm going to shovel my way out of our front door which is covered in 2 feet of snow. Our entire front yard is level with 2 feet of snow and you can't even tell we have a front porch! I'm wearing my snow gear because I just checked the temps and it's -11 outside (not including wind chill!). After I plan to Zumba, do some laundry/clean, and watch the Bachelor from Monday night. Sounds like a good day to me! :)

It's Okay

Actually, no it's not okay. It's not okay that babies die.

I was talking on the phone with someone who was apologizing for our situation ("Oh, I'm so sorry...") and I replied, "It's okay." But I didn't really mean it. Because honestly, it's not okay. It is okay that she is being sweet and showing concern and love through her words, however. She understood it wasn't okay either and replied back, "Well, no it's not and you don't have to tell me you are okay." Thank goodness for that woman.

When people ask me how I am doing, I always reply with a deliberate, "I'm alright." And I never ask them how they are doing in reply. I'm pretty sure the answer will be, "A lot better than you", although no one would ever be cruel enough to speak those words. 

And you know what else I'm not okay with? Dead baby bills.

I know it's our job as health patients to pay for our healthcare. I'm no socialist. I understand the need to pay for services rendered. But gosh... can it be more painful to look at dates from hospital bills, pathology reports, etc.?

12/05/2010
12/05/2010
12/05/2010
12/05/2010
....

I get it. My baby died on 12/05/2010. And I get it that because he died, I have to stare at bloodwork bills no one else who has a successful living baby has to pay or endure. I don't get why the doctors or insurance can't come to an agreement of how much these pathology reports are worth, so therefore lay the burden on the patient and try to shiest the money out of us vulnerable people instead-- only to find out they are liable for their share no matter the cost doctors place on the medical care. Of course they are just seeing if we'll pay it first before they are willing to pay their share. Great. Try and pull one past the poor bereaved couple who had to endure countless ultrasounds, full labor/childbirth, stitches, ridiculous amounts of blood drawn, and oh yeah... a dead baby as the reward for all the bills. I don't understand why blood thinners I might be taking in the future have to cost so dang much or why my friends going through IVF (as though that's not painful enough!) have to pay ridiculous amounts just to be able to bring a blessing into the world. I do understand, however, that life's great rewards {i.e. babies} don't come without taking risks and those are well worth taking in my opinion. I just wish insurance companies and doctors were more understanding about the process and wouldn't try to be so deceptive about ways to get their money at the expense of those they serve. Have a freaking heart.

Changing gears...

I've read two books in the last {nearly} two months since Andrew left us: Tear Soup and When Bad Things Happen to Good People. While I have a pile of books to read which I may never get to {since I don't want to}, these are the ones I chose based on their broader tones. They aren't dead baby books.

Tear Soup is a 10-15 minute read and it's incredible. It's about grief of all kinds and is not specific to any one feeling. Both Ray and I loved it and recommend it to anyone who has/will endure any type of struggle or loss.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People is a recent read and it deals a lot with God's role in the whole suffering process is. Many people blame God after a loss because there is just no one else to point the finger at. I have already admitted to struggling with my connection to Him lately. I guess it's hard to worship and be thankful when you feel all of your hopes and dreams of your future have halted. Anyhow, the book is not about death or anything in particular. It's about "bad things" as the title states and is written by a Rabbi. I appreciate his points of view that shut out all those stupid comments I've heard from others about God's role in my suffering.

On another note, I'm feeling more positive today lately---though you probably wouldn't have guessed that's where I was going considering the ranting above. Lucky for me, I have plenty of excuses for my rants and behavior and I don't have to make sense. Maybe it's the fresh snow that has just dropped from our crazy Chicago blizzard piled 2 feet high on our deck that's making me feel upbeat. Maybe it's because I'm back to subbing again and actually enjoying being around kids (without having breakdowns). Maybe it's because we bought Zumba for the wii or finally reached world 3 in Super Mario Bros. Maybe it's because my body is finally feeling like it is mine again (aside from the extra lbs that although I am trying to lose by healthy eating + Zumba, is still there and making me want to throw away all my clothes). Maybe it's because I cooked 2 new meals recently (homemade BBQ chicken pizza, Chicken Tortilla Soup) and felt great about the results. Maybe it's realizing again and again that I have such a loyal, compassionate, and loving husband. Or maybe it's because it's February and we're drawing closer to our Bahamas cruise and March surprise trip!

Whatever it is... I'm thankful. I know five minutes from now tomorrow could bring sadness and I'm allowed to feel grief, but I'm thankful for pockets of happiness in my days that get me through the mud I'm walking in.