It's Okay

Actually, no it's not okay. It's not okay that babies die.

I was talking on the phone with someone who was apologizing for our situation ("Oh, I'm so sorry...") and I replied, "It's okay." But I didn't really mean it. Because honestly, it's not okay. It is okay that she is being sweet and showing concern and love through her words, however. She understood it wasn't okay either and replied back, "Well, no it's not and you don't have to tell me you are okay." Thank goodness for that woman.

When people ask me how I am doing, I always reply with a deliberate, "I'm alright." And I never ask them how they are doing in reply. I'm pretty sure the answer will be, "A lot better than you", although no one would ever be cruel enough to speak those words. 

And you know what else I'm not okay with? Dead baby bills.

I know it's our job as health patients to pay for our healthcare. I'm no socialist. I understand the need to pay for services rendered. But gosh... can it be more painful to look at dates from hospital bills, pathology reports, etc.?

12/05/2010
12/05/2010
12/05/2010
12/05/2010
....

I get it. My baby died on 12/05/2010. And I get it that because he died, I have to stare at bloodwork bills no one else who has a successful living baby has to pay or endure. I don't get why the doctors or insurance can't come to an agreement of how much these pathology reports are worth, so therefore lay the burden on the patient and try to shiest the money out of us vulnerable people instead-- only to find out they are liable for their share no matter the cost doctors place on the medical care. Of course they are just seeing if we'll pay it first before they are willing to pay their share. Great. Try and pull one past the poor bereaved couple who had to endure countless ultrasounds, full labor/childbirth, stitches, ridiculous amounts of blood drawn, and oh yeah... a dead baby as the reward for all the bills. I don't understand why blood thinners I might be taking in the future have to cost so dang much or why my friends going through IVF (as though that's not painful enough!) have to pay ridiculous amounts just to be able to bring a blessing into the world. I do understand, however, that life's great rewards {i.e. babies} don't come without taking risks and those are well worth taking in my opinion. I just wish insurance companies and doctors were more understanding about the process and wouldn't try to be so deceptive about ways to get their money at the expense of those they serve. Have a freaking heart.

Changing gears...

I've read two books in the last {nearly} two months since Andrew left us: Tear Soup and When Bad Things Happen to Good People. While I have a pile of books to read which I may never get to {since I don't want to}, these are the ones I chose based on their broader tones. They aren't dead baby books.

Tear Soup is a 10-15 minute read and it's incredible. It's about grief of all kinds and is not specific to any one feeling. Both Ray and I loved it and recommend it to anyone who has/will endure any type of struggle or loss.

When Bad Things Happen to Good People is a recent read and it deals a lot with God's role in the whole suffering process is. Many people blame God after a loss because there is just no one else to point the finger at. I have already admitted to struggling with my connection to Him lately. I guess it's hard to worship and be thankful when you feel all of your hopes and dreams of your future have halted. Anyhow, the book is not about death or anything in particular. It's about "bad things" as the title states and is written by a Rabbi. I appreciate his points of view that shut out all those stupid comments I've heard from others about God's role in my suffering.

On another note, I'm feeling more positive today lately---though you probably wouldn't have guessed that's where I was going considering the ranting above. Lucky for me, I have plenty of excuses for my rants and behavior and I don't have to make sense. Maybe it's the fresh snow that has just dropped from our crazy Chicago blizzard piled 2 feet high on our deck that's making me feel upbeat. Maybe it's because I'm back to subbing again and actually enjoying being around kids (without having breakdowns). Maybe it's because we bought Zumba for the wii or finally reached world 3 in Super Mario Bros. Maybe it's because my body is finally feeling like it is mine again (aside from the extra lbs that although I am trying to lose by healthy eating + Zumba, is still there and making me want to throw away all my clothes). Maybe it's because I cooked 2 new meals recently (homemade BBQ chicken pizza, Chicken Tortilla Soup) and felt great about the results. Maybe it's realizing again and again that I have such a loyal, compassionate, and loving husband. Or maybe it's because it's February and we're drawing closer to our Bahamas cruise and March surprise trip!

Whatever it is... I'm thankful. I know five minutes from now tomorrow could bring sadness and I'm allowed to feel grief, but I'm thankful for pockets of happiness in my days that get me through the mud I'm walking in.