Friday, February 18, 2011

Membership Revoked

That's honestly what I feel like on most days. I sat at a baby shower for a friend last weekend (I know, super brave... did not happen without self pep-talks, my supportive friend Liz, and plenty of crying later and with every ounce of my being holding back emotion) and had so many thoughts rushing in my head:
  • I'm no longer relate-able with moms. I'm back to square one. No babies, not even pregnant.
  • As she opened presents, other moms in the room said, "{baby item} is so great. You're going to use it so much when the baby comes." No, no I didn't use any of it when my baby came. Not even a diaper.
  • Somehow I went from an expectant mother with full rights, privileges and similar interests to completely kicked out of the club with no warning. 
  • All that baby magazine/book reading, internet researching for safe products, are all null and void of purpose.
  • Instead of the mom club, I joined the dead baby club. With a massive pay cut.
  • I have no expertise to offer on baby products, services, or caregiving.
  • I have a bunch of unused baby products locked away in a room collecting dust.
  • I just got behind in the race. Okay, I know it's not a race (except against me and my biological clock), but if you didn't lose a baby, you plain just don't understand. Jealousy is there. It's there because I should be at the same point in "line" as my friends who have a child. I should have my own. I shouldn't be concerned about having another baby so soon after giving birth and all the agony that goes with that (Yes, agony. Pregnancy is no longer blissful.). I feel like I lost the race. Not only lost, but was disqualified.
  • I gave birth in the same year as my best friend but there's no lasting proof of my efforts. Our sons will never be friends like we hoped. No proof except for that stupid linea negra that is still adorning my abdomen. And someday that will be gone too.
  • I have no idea what it's like to strap my child into a carseat.
  • I have no idea which breastpump works better or even how to use one.
  • When she received the same car mirror I had purchased for Andrew, I wondered what it would've felt like to look in my rear view mirror and see my child sleeping (or even better, looking at me!) through their own mirror. That must feel so amazing.
While I was in the teacher's lounge yesterday sitting across from a very pregnant woman, I thought to myself how she'll be a mom before me. She'll get to experience all those firsts I never got to experience before me and I used to be so much further ahead. Then conversation started as it always does, but this time I was just a bystander:

teacher #1: {hands cookies to pregnant woman. Tries to get her attention.} Hey Mama.
teacher #2: She isn't used to hearing that since she's never been called Mama before {says her name}.
pregnant woman: Huh? Oh, no thanks.
teacher #2: You've never been called Mama before, I was just telling her {points to teacher #1}.
pregnant woman: No, not yet! {smiling ear-to-ear with hopeful anticipation}

Add hearing "mama" to one more thing that I'll never get to experience (with Andrew) and something I'll have to wait a lot longer to hear (from any child) than all those friends who I was pregnant with in 2010. You know, all 10 of them I know who gave birth in that month alone... that very cold, very harsh, very sad December 2010.

Back to the starting line hoping I get my chance next year and my membership isn't revoked anymore.


LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

Could not agree more, except for one thing: You're already a momma, although not with the same benefits.

The Baby Loss Community is not one in which I hoped to join, but I am thankful to know I'm not alone. You've been a tremendous help to me already, and it's been what, a few weeks? It's nice to have someone "relate" to this awful experience.

I have so much hope for you in the next year. :)

Molly said... [Reply to comment]

I can't believe you went to a baby shower. It will be a long, long time before I put myself through that. I figure I've been through enough heartache, and if they are my true friend, they will understand why I can't be there. Bless you for being such a brave soul (and a little bit of a crazy one for that haha)! My heart aches for your situation even more than mine bc at least I have my Sloane to help me deal with the loss of Hayes. It's the same situation as with a subsequent child--it certainly doesn't replace or make the loss any less significant, but it allows for some joy and happiness during the pain. I cannot imagine losing my first. I haven't blogged about this bc my family would proably kill me (but at some point, I will have to and they'll just have to deal), but my sister and I were pregant together (completely by chance--we had no idea!). Her baby was due 2 1/2 weeks after Hayes. And of course, her baby lived. I have seen my neice once for about 8 minutes. It hurts that bad. So, I can relate to your feelings about your friends who also had babies that lived. I have so many that are pregnant now that I just can't be around--not because I am not happy for them, but because it makes me even sadder for me, and I literally cannot take any more. Please remember that you are a mom--a very special one. Hugs!

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

your post made me tear up. i was thinking this same thing the other night as i drove home. i can no longer relate. i had a brief period of time when i could actually talk about baby items and which ones i liked, etc. but now it seems like it was all a dream. i can't even remember what it was like to change a diaper, or strap a baby in a car seat. or give a baby a bath. i had a brief moment being a mom, and then it was stripped from me. and now i'm wandering around aimlessly trying to *look* for the starting line. i'm lost. i'm still trying to figure out wtf happened. this just plain freaking sucks. ((hugs)) i'm so sorry. i'm just so sorry... :'(

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

It does feel like a race in some aspects. Or maybe that's just because we all lost out. I hated how women who were pregnant the same time as me could just go on assuming that their baby would make it. And of course, all of them did, which only contributes more to the "why me?" feeling.

One pregnant girl I was around was talking to another girl who already has two kids and she was talking about the stroller she got and said that she had a BOB. The other said "oh yeah I wished we had that - I heard they were great" and I was about to say "yeah, we have one" but then I thought that'd be stupid - it's not like I can offer any insight into how it actually works/is. I can only say how neat it looks. In my closet. Unused. just sucks. . .

I'm sorry you are in this club. :(