Monday, February 21, 2011

Sanity Update

To be honest, the last few days have been really hard. Saturday I had the biggest breakdown since Andrew was born. You just never know the grief train is coming until wham-- it hits you like a brick.

I spent probably a good 3 hours just sobbing on Saturday and my husband was there to witness it all. I looked at pictures of Andrew (I've only done this about 3-4 times since he died) and it made me feel better. I don't know why his pictures don't make me cry. Maybe it's just comforting to see his beautiful face even if I can't touch it. In a way it gives me proof that my grief is purposeful and I deserve to feel like a mom missing her child. We haven't received the photos from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep {professional photos taken by a non profit in the hospital for families of deceased babies/infants} and that makes me a little sad. I guess there is no real purpose of urgency when supplying photos of him, but I want them. I wish someone would call me or send them. I feel strange chasing down pictures of my dead child. And, I don't really even know who I'd call.

I'm really looking forward to our cruise on Friday. I desperately need to get out of the cold. It's not because I dislike the cold, but because I need a new season. I don't want to live in the same season (still winter) I lost my son and feel the same bitter chill I've had the past few months in missing him. I desperately need the newness of spring. I need a change of scenery and time to spend with my husband outside of our house.

On a happier note, Zumba classes start tonight at our local YMCA! I'm pretty excited because I'm taking the class over the next 6 weeks with some of my girlfriends. It's all about being silly and sweating it out. I'm also pretty proud of myself-- I'm down within 1 pound of my pre-pregnancy weight and fitting into more of my clothes. Some of my clothes are lost forever (that's okay), but at least I'm starting to feel better about my body. I've been eating oatmeal every morning, a lean lunch & dinner, and very few sweets/fatty snacks. It's a good feeling.

Hopefully I'll get out of this slump...


Molly said... [Reply to comment]

I know it's hard, but spending the day sobbing every now and then is helpful--I PROMISE (as I am about 2 and a half months ahead of you in our grief journey). I can't tell you when it will get better because it hasn't for me, yet. (Although my grief counselor is quick to point out that I am at least better than I was in Aug, Sept, Oct, Nov and Dec, which I do agree with.) Two friends who have been here told me things start to improve around the six month mark. I hate to say it, because of course I want to be happier, but I almost don't want to begin feeling better because I feel guilty. I know--I am being irrational. :)Your cruise will be a nice distraction. I went to the beach around my three month mark, and I was able to do a lot of reflecting. The mistake I made though was thinking I'd be "cured" when I got home. When I wasn't, I had a down period for a while. Just a friendly warning. You seem to be more sensible than me (ha!), so maybe you won't encounter that. But it was nice to go places and not be known as "the girl who's baby died". Enjoy yourself and the time with your hubs!!

Erin Farrell Speer said... [Reply to comment]

Hi Friend!
I had never heard of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep until I read your post today. I've been reading about them since then and am so touched by the work of such an incredible organization. Praying you get your photos of your beautiful son soon. Have an INCREDIBLE time on your cruise and enjoy the sunshine!

Natasha said... [Reply to comment]

Hi B- I'm your newest follower and I just want to say I'm so sorry for the loss of you precious Andrew. I lost my baby boy Aiden at 36 weeks and 5 days on November 2, 2010. I thought 2010 was my year and it ended in the most horrible way possible. I pray that you have some peace today.

I also got NILMDTS pictures done of Aiden and they say it takes them 6-8 weeks to come back. If you go to the website you should be able to find the photographer who took your pictures that day (they list them by location). I would contact them and ask if you can at least see what they have ready now. My photographer really worked with us and even got us 4 pictures in time for his memorial service that same week. She also let us look at some more pictures on her website about 3 weeks after we lost him. I got the final CD last week and it really tore me up- no more pictures are ever coming. But I'm so thankful I have them.

Have fun on your cruise and know that I'm thinking lots of happy thoughts for you! ((hugs))


Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

I hope you get your pictures soon. Did the hospital give you any paperwork on them so you can call or check online? I hope you guys have a great time on your cruise and enjoy the change of scenery and warmth. Spring will be here soon :-)

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

((hugs)) yes, grief hits at such odd, inconvenient, spontaneous moments. just out of the blue. sometimes with absolutely no triggers at all. it's terrible. and i'm so sorry you are in the midst of it too.

i'm so excited for your cruise. i hope you enjoy yourself as best as you can given you are now in the midst of hell. i told D that i want to take a trip (possibly a cruise) in may for Juju's 1 yr bday. i just can't be here for that, and i think i desperately deserve a break.

yay for zumba! i always get giddy when people mention that they are going to a class. i teach it, so i'm a bit bias. and it's been my absolute saving grace during this horrific time in my life. i hope you enjoy the class. sending you my love...

boo and stacy arnold said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking of you sweet friend!!

Newlywed Next Door said... [Reply to comment]

I hope your cruise is wonderful. I love crusing!
I know what you mean about wanting winter to be over -- I found myself counting the days left in February because I want Spring to come. This fall and winter were the worst of my life and there is something refreshing about spring and the "renewal" it bring -- or at least that is what I am telling myself.