Saturday, February 5, 2011

Life is What You Make of It

I don't believe a whole lot of those cliche terms, but I believe this one. Our lives are based on a string of events {good & bad} that occur and we can choose how to handle such situations. I also believe that life is based on experiences and those paired with relationships are the only two things my life is based on having. Relationships and experiences with others, including my Creator.

Today marks 2 months since Andrew's birth. December 5, 2010. January 5, 2011. February 5, 2011.

I have been telling myself the last few weeks that although we are sad, we have a future. I can choose to allow my sadness to overcome me everyday and never see the sun when it shines, or I can allow it to take me for just moments and enjoy the sunshine. I will allow myself to be "taken" for moments as I believe this is good for my grieving process and the chance to remember my son. It's a fine line from where we are now. Some days it's easy to say that I'm getting by and seeing the beauty each day brings. And some days I let my mind "go there" rather than live to the fullest. My son never escapes my mind. He'll always be with me in spirit, but I know that my life here is not over because we had to say goodbye. I know my life was enriched by him-- I was allowed to experience the miracle of life, praise God in his wonder, and love so deeply it hurts. I need to see the positive in those experiences rather than get hung up on logistics of his death and my sadness of that.

I've taken a new turn, I think, because my mind is focusing more on the future of children than the "why me?" I've sort of felt these last two months. We are talking about children and our minds are preparing for the possibility of becoming pregnant again. I think that's an important and healthy step in moving forward and although I'm obviously scared about complications in our second pregnancy, I must take the risk in order to have a chance at the amazing reward it will be to raise children.

This is a bit personal... but it's my blog and I hope all those who do read understand that my stream of thoughts are sometimes difficult to manage. Last night Ray played volleyball with friends at a city league tournament and I came as a spectator (as I did through my pregnancy). He played weekly until December 3rd when he decided to stop due to the upcoming birth of Andrew. We didn't know that two days later he would arrive. Well, Ray played again last night and it was a bit challenging for me. I was back to where we started just a couple days before Andrew was born, nearly 10 months pregnant. It made me sad. I wanted to feel pregnant again at that moment.

After, we headed out with our friends to a sports bar where I ordered a beer. It's still uncomfortable ordering alcohol. I just feel like I shouldn't {because of the baby} but I know there is no baby and I can do whatever I want. To add insult to injury, the waitress was pregnant-- I'd target her at about 7 months. Now, I'm not jealous of all pregnant women, it was just my feeling last night as I was reliving the experience of December 3rd and thinking back to what that day meant to me-- being pregnant, volleyball, friends afterward. It was a bit of a groundhog day moment that had a different ending-- an ending I didn't like because Andrew wasn't there with me. When the waitress brought me the beer {I didn't really want but ordered anyway}, her belly rubbed against my shoulder as she set it down on the table. I know that sounds creepy and random, but it was strange. It was the first pregnant belly I physically touched since Andrew was born and I felt really uncomfortable. Of course it wasn't elective touching by any means. On some days I actually crave pregnancy. Because Andrew was alive and thriving during most of my pregnancy, I felt my most beautiful and happy during those times.

Anyhow, all that to say... I am making due with my life right now and trying to find the good in each day. Some moments (like the one above) overtake me. I'm trying to redirect and not allow those moments to become whole days. I am blessed beyond belief with a wonderful family, husband, and friends. I know there is a future in sight that involves children. I just hope my anxiety and impatience won't hinder me from seeing the joy each day brings. I want this time to be an Awakening rather than the Dark Ages. I know that just as I am my worst critic and enemy, I'm hoping I'll also allow myself to also choose life and happiness {at least on most days}.


Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

Sending you love and a virtual hug. Praying that you have more good days and you only allow yourself to be "taken" for a short while each time. Hugs to you and Ray :)

LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking of you today.