Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Image of 3

I was just writing an email to a fellow BLM and thought about something that I still have a hard time with. Actually it's a wonderful thought, but one that makes me sad knowing we'll never experience that again with our little guy.

When they handed Andrew to me in the hospital, I could not believe that I was physically holding my child. While I "carried" him and was holding him for the previous 9.5 months inside of me, I had not held him in my arms. It's a much different feeling. My baby had weight, mass, volume, everything. He existed and it felt so surreal to be holding something that was both my husband and I in my hands.

He was so light to me, though a normal newborn size of 7lb.6oz. at that stage of gestation (being 9 days early). I dreamt of holding him in my arms for so long. That image is so vivid and so surreal.

For those who commented, I did email someone from NILMDTS about Andrew's photos. I guess I'd just love to see photos of my precious gift again. That single moment of us being together as a family of 3 will never leave my mind (or heart). People who work for that organization are saints. They are such brave and selfless souls to walk into a hospital room, meet with bereaved parents (at times we feel like we have a plague or something because of our new badge of sadness), and photograph deceased babies. It's not exactly an uplifting and happy experience and it's one that is sure to bring sadness to all those around. But as parents to these babies, we are forever grateful for their love and gift of photography. Pictures and memories are truly all we'll have to remember these children we love so much. Our photographer came at 1 a.m. and photographed our baby for free. He donated his time and resources to people he'd never met and will never see again. I am humbled by that blessing.

Missing you today my little love.


Shae said... [Reply to comment]

I'm absolutely sure you miss him terribly every day, but I'm sorry your heart is extra heavy today.

Molly said... [Reply to comment]

Have you seen the Molly Bears link on my blog? OMGoodness, to hold that same weight again! I CANNOT WAIT! It was all too fast and over too quickly. I hate that we don't have a photo of the three of us. One of my big (and many) regrets. I am so excited for you to get your photos. They will bring so much comfort, joy, yet more sadness.

Jill said... [Reply to comment]

:( I read alot about them now, the NILMDTS and I think they did take pictures of Naomi, I do have them, I just recently looked at them for the first time and its been almost 2 years. My mom had kept them away for so long and I just wanetd to see them. I wish they took more pictures of her. I remember the nurses asking if I wanted it, first thought was no I do not want pictures or reminders of my dead baby, but I also thought it costs and I dont have money for much at all. But I really wish I had gotten more pictures done of my sweet baby girl. Bless you. I miss her more than words can say. I have to check oout that molly bear website!

Natasha said... [Reply to comment]

I hope you get your pictures soon mama. Those photographers are really amazing people. Our's was a blessing to us and I was so glad to find out later that Aiden was a blessing to her as well.

Sending you lots of hugs!!