Friday, September 2, 2011

Mind Vomit

I'm being lame. Like most bloggers around, I've been in a blogging rut-- that, and I've been working every day and it's really not something I've been used to since late May. So I'm tired. By the time I get home, I have no desire to make dinner, grocery shop, or blog. I'm reading most, but even my reader has more saved than read each day.

I miss my son. So much. Unspeakable amounts.

I'm working and attempting to make money that will hopefully be used to take us on vacations... like the trip we planned to D.C. in October and our escape from the frickin' holidays trip to South Padre Island, TX conveniently over Christmas. Waterfront. Seventy degrees. Pool. Relaxation. I can't wait. Texas is on the list of states I've never visited and I'm excited to spend time in the warm weather during Chicago's coldest time of year. Can anyone help me figure out how to cancel the entire months of November-January please? Because they're coming and I'm so not ready. I may be lucky enough to meet my good blogger friend Brooke around Thanksgiving as we both attempt to pass the holidays like they aren't even happening around us. The -er months have started, folks. Holy. Holy. Crap. I'm not ready.

Kind of freaks me out to think we're 3/4 of a year back around the circle to the worst day of my life. I've been thinking about how to celebrate Andrew's life, but parties aren't really my thing. Well, for my live 1-year old they'd probably be, but I'd still be subdued since early ages need nothing more than a cake face celebration. But celebrating the life of a now dead child. My child? We'll probably go out to dinner and eat dessert. Because it's a birthday and we're celebrating. It's what we do for our own birthdays, so why not Andrew's? I guess it's not so toddler-like, but my baby is practically a teenager in my mind now since I've never experienced a day as his mama. He's living in heaven and probably so wise. And he'd probably choose crab cakes over corndogs just like his mama. So we celebrate in style.

My mind is a million places. And most of those thoughts are on repeat. I miss him. I love him. I want him here.


Kelly said... [Reply to comment]

Have fun in DC. I live about an hour outside there. :) If you figure out how to erase November-January, I would also like to know. Adam was here then, and now he isn't and won't be.

So much love to you, as always.

Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

Ugh. If I could erase those months for you I would. :( I'm glad you guys are getting away to enjoy the warm sun instead of being in the cold.
I think having a birthday dinner is a very good idea. Cake is always good!
Miss you and love you, friend.

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

I'll have cake for Andrew any day of the year :)

boo and stacy said... [Reply to comment]

I can't believe you are going to SPI over the holidays!! I spent many O Spring Breaks there! Can't remember every memory but one is clear....I went out one night with just my bathing suit top and jeans shorts. Almost as W.T. as Joe Dirt!

Amelia said... [Reply to comment]

Thinking of all 3 of you. I lost T on Dec. 23rd, so holidays are going to be nice and panic attack-y around here I'm sure.

Shell said... [Reply to comment]

I feel the same as you about blogging. I am on a computer at work so the last thing I want to do is get on one when I am home at night. And I feel just like you, I want the holidays to be skipped over. They will be no fun. I think I've convinced my hubs for us to go to AZ this xmas and visit his brother. It will be completely different and we can get away. I've already decided I am not putting out any holiday decorations. It's just not going to be a good holiday...

Natasha said... [Reply to comment]

I go to DC every year and I love it! Have fun! Oh and you'll love Texas in the winter :) One of the best things about living here is the nice mild winters. Love wearing my flip flops in December!! Now the summer we've experienced this year is another story!

Will be thinking of you as the the winter months and the holidays approach- they are pretty rough around this house as well.

Addi's mom said... [Reply to comment]

Oh the -er months... major bummer. I just can't wrap my head around being so close to December.

I am so jealous you get to "skip" Christmas and be in the sun. I think us leaving would only be harder on the rest of the family. I am still hoping to win the lotto then we could take the whole family on a cruise. Brian and I thought the 3 month around the world cruise would be good Nov-Jan...doesn't that sound good?!? If we win I will book a room for you guys ;)

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

yep please erase those months. i'm shutting down rapidly. thinking about oct is my kyrptonite. i miss my son. i miss your son. i wish they were here with us. i wish we "met" under any other circumstance but this.

JoyAndSorrow said... [Reply to comment]

We are in the same boat hun - back at work after having the entire summer off. Exhausted is an understatement when you couple it with GRIEF. Ugh. I'm in a blog slump myself.


Kristin said... [Reply to comment]

A vacay over the holidays sounds wonderful! Last year the holidays were HORRIBLE for me. Like so awful. I completely skipped Thanksgiving (laid in bed and ate boxed stuffing while my husband had dinner with his family--mine was out of town). I refused to go to church on Christmas Eve (my first time ever missing the traditional candlelight service I used to love). No tree. Nothing. It all just sucked. These days that are supposed to be the most joyous are now the saddest. I hate it.

Stevie's first birthday fell on Mother's Day, so it was especially hard. I felt bad that I didn't feel up to planning a big thing for it, but just spending the day watching Netflix movies with my husband (on our mattress that we brought down to the living room!) ended up being perfect for us. Don't feel like you have to plan a big party if you don't want to. Do whatever feels right (and crab cakes sound amazing!)