Monday, September 5, 2011

A Not Always Beautiful Mess

Now 9 months gone from our arms, we're still left with his beautiful mess. I like to think of it that way; the hell being still so beautiful because of the love we have for Andrew.

But let's get real for a hot second here, mmkay?

In these 9 months, the following has occurred:
  • I've collectively used more Kleenex wiping up snot and buckets of tears than I have in my entire life up until December 2010.
  • I've definitely used more curse words to describe my superlative of sadness and grief and struggle with the hardships of ttc.
  • I've dropped out on lots of friendships (at least for now) because I'm a completely selfish person who can't think past her own grief to ask how the heck someone else is doing in their life.
  • I've spent days and days watching more TV than I've watched ever.
  • I've questioned God, his existence, his love for us and all things I've ever believed in before tragedy struck.
  • I've been unmotivated and drab.
  • I've all but given up on my appearance most days-- taking great effort to look presentable.
  • I've offended family members and probably friends with my rage and lunacy 
  • I've avoided phonecalls and door knocks.
  • I've lost most of my carefree personality and have definitely transformed into a downer who can't even smile when looking at the innocence of a baby-- because instead I'm oozing with jealousy. 
Thank God I'm married to my soulmate because I'm a pretty attractive beast these days and would be hard-pressed to find someone who was attracted to such ugly qualities. 

So it's not all pretty over here. It's beautiful that our son has spurred so much love inside of us that's passionate and fierce, but I was kind of hoping that passion and ferocity would be used to say, potty train him or something. Turns out all milestones are a wash and our sadness lives on through the ebbs and flows that it is. It's a brutal beast that gets the best of us. But it's out of love. How love can translate through all of this madness and ugliness is beyond my comprehension.

Loving our little boy just as much today as we ever did. Nine months little man. Can't even believe it. And I really don't want to.

14 comments:

JoyAndSorrow said... [Reply to comment]

(((HUGS))) I think I would have died without TV and video games, truly. They are a great distraction. There are nights where I'm feeling down, and if nothing is on TV, I will literally melt down into a scream-sob mess. But if Project Runway had been on, I could have avoided it, because I would have been distracted from my grief for a good hour.
I think the 9 month mark sucks. Every month sucks, but oy...I'm almost 9 months out (will be on 9/9...weird), and it's sad to think that at that point, and even now, I have mourned Elias for more weeks than I even carried him in my womb. It's a horrible realization. Gone longer than here. How can that be, when he's had such an impact on me?

Remembering your sweet Andrew with you.

Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

Sending you hugs and lots of love from over here. I can't believe it's been 9 months already. We'll be remembering Andrew with you. Miss you and love you dear friend.

Hugs to the previous poster as well. It breaks my heart to know that so many have had to go through this awful hurt :(

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

It is to hard to believe isn't it? Sometimes I wonder when it will seem real. Thinking of you!

Addi's mom said... [Reply to comment]

Yes more Kleenex in the last nine months then in my life! Thinking of you and our baby A's today!

Kelly said... [Reply to comment]

(((hugs)))

sarah said... [Reply to comment]

Sending lots of love, and nodding my head along throughout this post.

xox

Kristin said... [Reply to comment]

I can relate to every single thing on your list. Sending you love today. XO

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

14+ months and even a baby later and I still sometimes can't believe it is real.

As one of my friends said, we probably won't ever be able to "accept it" because it's not natural for your baby to do. He should be here. That's all there is to it - he should be here.

I wish so much that he was.

Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

You have looked beyond your grief to encourage and be there for me and that I will always treasure!
Andrew will always be missed bust most importantly loved oh so much!

Hope's Mama said... [Reply to comment]

Nine months was one of the tougher anniversaries, that's for sure. I'm thinking of you and remembering your little boy. Wishing it didn't have to be this way.
xo

My New Normal said... [Reply to comment]

Sending a hug.

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

your list sounds alot like my list. sending you so much love and hugs...

Becky said... [Reply to comment]

I love the pretty attractive beast part. I have felt the same way. I definitely don't have much of a happy carefree smiling presence much these days.
I agree with the list completely also and really wish you had a 9 month old Andrew in your arms

Olaina.PhotosAndArt said... [Reply to comment]

Nine months is a tough one--it's hard to believe that the same amount of time has passed that the baby was in your body as out of your body. But the love is the same--18 months of love(and more, if you count the dreaming of getting to be pregnant). Thinking of you and hoping that your school day goes smoothly despite your grief. I always had a hard time teaching on days like this.