Monday, September 19, 2011

The Well is Dry

Confession: I don't cry when I read extremely sad stories about baby loss.

I haven't cried for a really long time. Part of me is totally jaded by the reality that babies die and are still dying. I recently came up on a few newbie blogs to the baby loss world. It totally made my stomach churn as I felt the anxiety of earlier days. I read blogs from fellow moms about their struggles or explaining the story etched in their memory of when they lost their babies and yet, I don't shed a tear. For this reason, I've stopped reading Faces of Loss posts because I can no longer handle the sadness properly. I feel like I should be crying. When did babies dying become acceptable to me in such a way that I don't show physical emotion? It's not that I don't welcome these women into my arms with my entire heart, but because I felt it was causing me to become numb and void of sorrow. I felt sorrowful while reading their sad stories, but I was easily able to click away, because to me, that reality is normal. It's everyday. It's something I also live with.

I cry when talking about Andrew and especially when talking about him with people who haven't been down this road. But when talking with friends who are also mourning the loss of their babies, I don't cry. I am free to use sarcasm and dark humor and ask them dark questions about specific details pertaining to the deaths of their children. In some universe, we almost pretend like they're alive by talking about them. We keep their memories alive this way and it doesn't feel sad or upsetting to us.

I think back to January when I returned to work and two women approached me with their stories of stillbirth. They told me their detailed stories and shed no tears. They weren't even really interested in hugging me. They weren't uncomfortable and they weren't afraid to ask questions.

I've never been much of a crier in general. Baby loss definitely changed that. In some ways, though, my well has run dry. At least for this leg of the journey. Maybe this is part of the process of grief-- that I'm not sure. Emotion still fills my blood and soul, but the tears aren't fighting to escape nearly as easily.


My New Normal said... [Reply to comment]

I find that I cry at stupid and inappropriate times, but don't cry when I think I'm going to. It's strange but I'm getting used to it.

Becky said... [Reply to comment]

I don't cry when I talk about Liam,I love talking about him. I always thought that set me a part from the others at grief group because new people would always cry when talking about their stories for the first 3-5 visits and I never did. On the other hand though, everytime I read a new babyloss story or hear someone talk about babyloss I get tears in my eyes for them. I think we all just handle things differently and doesn't mean we don't care anymore or less than another.

Kelly said... [Reply to comment]

I physically can't cry anymore. I don't think I have any tears left. Just anger.

Addi's mom said... [Reply to comment]

I'm with you, I stopped reading Faces of Loss for the same reason. I find myself more surprised to hear of a baby living than dying...that's messed up!

Instead of crying for these real sad stories I cry at commercials and things no one cries over...I watched a proposal the other day and had tears falling...I was like wft? Who am I?

Renel said... [Reply to comment]

I went with my mother to go see the movie "The Help" I had read the book and she had not. I remember the book being amazing and emotional and I loved it. In the movie when the woman is burying her dead fetus next to her other rose bushes for dead fetuses well I didn't cry at all. I sat there thinking. This is sad, I should get upset about this...but MY baby just ACTUALLY died not some fake ones on the movie screen. I even told my mother: "I know that should have made me sad but I'm too sad for myself to be sad for other people." When I read some baby loss blogs I get emotional and I shed tears because I relate with how desperately sad they are feeling. When I see pictures of peoples dead babies...that's what REALLY gets me. They all have that same "vampire" look. Red lips and fingernails. BUT JUST SO DEAD. it is heart breaking to me. I think these stages of grief are what they are. We should never have to apologize or justify those feelings. They are what they are.

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

I stopped reading FOL as well. But that's how I found you, so I'm glad I read when I did.

I don't think the well is dry. I think our wells are just clogged. They've been over-used.

Tiffany said... [Reply to comment]

I'm totally with you on this. I feel bad I don't cry as much, but yeah, I think you only have so many tears, and I think mine are drying up too.

Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

I agree with Caroline, clogged up! Some things set me off but I think my tears come about once a month...quite possibly around the time aunt flow decides to visit!
Sometimes I'm on the verge of tears but they never come!
Today they almost did for real (no aunt flows not here) when my pastor asked if we were thinking of babies and then came home to find out my friend had hers.
I don't think this journey were on will ever get easier!

Hope's Mama said... [Reply to comment]

Nodding along. Yep, me too.

brianna said... [Reply to comment]

I am the same way now too. Baby death seems like so intertwined in my every day life now. I wish it wasn't. I wish I did not know how common it really is.