Confession: I don't cry when I read extremely sad stories about baby loss.
I haven't cried for a really long time. Part of me is totally jaded by the reality that babies die and are still dying. I recently came up on a few newbie blogs to the baby loss world. It totally made my stomach churn as I felt the anxiety of earlier days. I read blogs from fellow moms about their struggles or explaining the story etched in their memory of when they lost their babies and yet, I don't shed a tear. For this reason, I've stopped reading Faces of Loss posts because I can no longer handle the sadness properly. I feel like I should be crying. When did babies dying become acceptable to me in such a way that I don't show physical emotion? It's not that I don't welcome these women into my arms with my entire heart, but because I felt it was causing me to become numb and void of sorrow. I felt sorrowful while reading their sad stories, but I was easily able to click away, because to me, that reality is normal. It's everyday. It's something I also live with.
I cry when talking about Andrew and especially when talking about him with people who haven't been down this road. But when talking with friends who are also mourning the loss of their babies, I don't cry. I am free to use sarcasm and dark humor and ask them dark questions about specific details pertaining to the deaths of their children. In some universe, we almost pretend like they're alive by talking about them. We keep their memories alive this way and it doesn't feel sad or upsetting to us.
I think back to January when I returned to work and two women approached me with their stories of stillbirth. They told me their detailed stories and shed no tears. They weren't even really interested in hugging me. They weren't uncomfortable and they weren't afraid to ask questions.
I've never been much of a crier in general. Baby loss definitely changed that. In some ways, though, my well has run dry. At least for this leg of the journey. Maybe this is part of the process of grief-- that I'm not sure. Emotion still fills my blood and soul, but the tears aren't fighting to escape nearly as easily.
2 days ago