Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Fourth Tearful Christmas

You'd think having a 22-month old during Christmas would do the trick to rid me of the grief that plagues me every single holiday... and really everyday. But it hasn't. For the most part, I spent the time leading up to Christmas busy researching, purchasing, wrapping, shipping, etc. I spent time in the post office and directing most of my energy to the toddler running about me. I actually enjoyed buying gifts for people this year because each one was well thought and something I knew they would like. I've been well distracted and for that, I'm grateful. On days where we're not off to the children's museum, playhouse or storytime and distractions are at a minimum, I struggle the most. Today is one of those days.

I didn't do the decorating this year. I sat at my computer while my amazing husband worked around me to make our home look festive. I didn't participate. I haven't participated since the day before Andrew died. I want Benjamin to have a childhood filled with wonder and excitement, but I just have a hard time getting in the spirit around this time of year. His birthday was just 20 days ago. Another one passes on and another one we're left in longing for what should be.

I laid awake from 2:30-5:00 this morning with pregnancy insomnia, battling the fear I have of Andrew and Benjamin's little sister not making it out alive. I thought about how it was already Christmas morning and what that means to most families. I just don't feel the magic. Benjamin still doesn't understand Christmas or Santa or the decorations. All he understands is that the Advent house has a treat for him everyday. He wasn't very interested in opening presents.

I'm tired of being pregnant and fearful. I've done so well up until this week and now it's finally hitting me that we have less than 5 weeks to go until my induction and we're uncertain if we'll be bringing this baby home in a carseat or in something much, much smaller. I have some new complications that are plaguing me and having me rethink Andrew's death and if what I'm experiencing now is what may have also contributed to his demise.

I desperately want a normal birth experience and to bring a baby home without the worry. I fear that our induction date is too late that we'll end up with another stillborn baby. I fear that an earlier induction date will send us back to the NICU. I fear Benjamin may never realize what it's like to have a living sibling. I fear so much.

This is our fourth Christmas in this house. In Illinois. And it has never, ever felt right because our first one was robbed of all the magic by losing him. I sat in our formal living room alone after all the gifts and festivities this morning and just cried. I wished for the tree to be gone. I'm ready for December to end. With so many things to be thankful for, I'm sobbing because I miss what should be so, so much.


Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

This post is so poignant and I think you voice what many of us feel this time of year. Grateful for what we have and devastated because we had hoped for--and counted on--having so much more. And yet having all your babies live doesn't seem like too much to ask for, does it?

I'm sorry that the grief never goes away. Sending love to you and missing Andrew with you.

Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

My heart hurts for you brandy! I'm sad that this special month of celebrating was stolen from you! I in diff ways feel the will never be the same for different reasons.
Andrew will always be in my thoughts.
I pray in these next 5 weeks that your spirit and the peace that you desire will be uplifted, that your fear be replaced with love and that overall just be able to be you! The pain you feel for losing Andrew will never be gone, he has your heart! You are one amazing lady and you may not know it but you've taught me alot!

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

I do hate how much has been stolen from you (us). The magic of the holidays and the joy of Christmas, yes. But mostly your son. Your perfect and loved and wanted boy who should be here. It's so profoundly unfair and I hate it for all of us. I hope peace and some sense of comfort can find you at time over the next five weeks. xo

Mama Bear said... [Reply to comment]

I am sorry you are so worried for Claire. You are doing the best you can do for your children. You always have. You did not cause Andrew's death. He lived his entire life surrounded by your love. I hope these coming weeks are as peaceful as they can be, as you continue to check up on Claire frequently and get distracted by Benjamin's cute antics.

Christmas love to you and all of your babies.

Laura Jane said... [Reply to comment]

I'm sorry I didn't read this until today.

Christmas is a shit-storm of fear and sadness and all the "should have beens". I found myself watching Grace gleefully tear paper from presents- each of them pink and princessy and she was loving it. And all I could think of is how much I wish there were trucks and tractors and boy stuff. How much I wish there were both. How much I hope Piper is here to star at her (nearly) three year old sister "get it" when she opens gifts.

It's a season of longing, and it's never going to stop being that and I hate that.

Hoping so much Claire is here, safe and sound, in 5 weeks or less.


LookItsJessica said... [Reply to comment]

I'm so sorry. Christmas can be so difficult and full of images of perfect families and perfect holidays that are so not real. Going through the holidays pregnant and scared of losing the most precious things ever is so, so difficult. Especially with everyone acting to merry and happy 24/7.

I know the pain will never totally go away but I am hoping and praying that Claire arrives safe and sound, as soon as safely possible.

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

I'm so sorry mamma.. sending a huge hug your way...

Amelia said... [Reply to comment]

I am sending so much light and love to you. I am thankful your husband does what you can't, as I'm sure you do for him in hundreds of other instances.

I am picturing you, in all your pregnancy adorableness, with a healthy baby girl you bring home alive. Right. Now.

Veronica said... [Reply to comment]

I read this right away, but was in the car on an iPhone (not driving) and didn't feel that setting was going to allow me to properly comment.

I know I've never experienced a pregnancy AFTER a successful rainbow arrival... but with Theo I was so "ok" up until 28-30 or so weeks. and then it was all, just come on already. Don't put me in this spot again for AGAIN to happen.

I hope these new complications work themselves out, or you have additional monitoring, or what ever it is you need to feel like everyone is on your team for Claire's safe arrival.

This Christmas - seeing my sister and her healthy baby girl after she went to 42 weeks pregnant and had an almost all natural labour experience - I really mourned losing the ability to have a normal, easy, natural pregnancy and labour. It is just not fair what you have to go through. What any of us have to now go through to get our children here alive.

We are so strong.


I am picturing you bringing Claire home too. Alive and well. Safe and warm. Soon.

Love to you Brandy

Kari at A Grace Full Life said... [Reply to comment]

I have no great words other than to say I am thinking of you and praying for you too.
Big hugs.

JoyAndSorrow said... [Reply to comment]

Sending you some massive cyber hugs. xo ~Lindsay