Thursday, December 5, 2013

On The Night You Were Born...

...The moon smiled with such wonder
That the stars peeked in to see you
And the night wind whispered,
"Life will never be the same."
 
He was born at 9:04 p.m. Tonight, at 9:04, I was taking a hot shower. I wasn't laying in a hospital bed vomiting, shaking and welcoming my son into the world silently like I did three years ago. It was much more pleasant this evening. The smell of his candle (apparently discontinued, of course)--dubbed as such because it was given to me during my pregnancy with him and has a very babylike smell-- permeated the air. 
 
Today wasn't nearly as kind. Before noon, I'd sobbed at least a handful of times. Ray and I chatted about how it's crazy that even three years later, it's horrible how raw your grief can still feel at times. It might be just a day, but it's the anniversary of the worst day of our lives.
 
Of course we still miss him. Of course we wonder what our lives would be like with an intelligent three-year-old roaming our house. Of course we wonder what he would be eating for lunch and what his favorite toy would be. But the sad truth and reality is that we never knew and will never know a single answer.
 
We went about our day and I took Benjamin to storytime between sobfests. Surprinsingly, I held it together at 2-3 year old storytime. We had a drive-thru lunch because that's all I could muster. Naptime arrived and I made Andrew's 2013 ornament out of pieces of clothing he had worn. I thought that would do me in, but really, I was okay with it. I was mostly composed because I wanted to make something worthy of displaying in his honor. I look forward to hanging his four ornaments on the tree this year. Christmas trees, while beautiful and innocent in nature, still mock me. Never will we have a tree in the same place we did on that cold December morning we arrived back home with empty arms and a bag of mementos. The tree has a whole new room and will never be purchased before his birthday.
 
In between cutting pieces of the only clothing he had ever worn, I read countless texts messages and emails from some incredibly thoughtful people who still remember he lived and existed. I was honored and completely humbled by people who remembered. It's really one day a year that I fully experience the impact my lifeless son had on so many people.
 
I took Benjamin to the playhouse down the street after naptime and we went to dinner at one of our favorite local, kid-friendly burger places that has toys and books for kids to play with. We know Andrew would've liked that place. Benjamin sure does. We arrived back home to the fanciest of Whole Foods cupcakes I purchased yesterday and Benjamin attempted to burn himself while I blew out the candles. My three-year-old would've been elated to do so himself, I'm sure.
 
A traditional evening of books, toys and all things Benjamin and off to bath and bed for Andrew's little brother. The fourth December 5th we've experienced without our firstborn son alive. And the numbers keep adding.
 
Because there has never been anyone like you... ever in the world.
For never before in story or rhyme
{not even once upon a time}
Has the world ever known a you, my friend,
And it never will... not ever again.

16 comments:

Jenny said... [Reply to comment]

What a loving remembrance of a special son. Thinking of you all in my prayers.

Katie Truelove said... [Reply to comment]

Still so sad for your loss of Andrew and I admire the strength and beauty with which you write about him.

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

Brandy, this morning Finn brought me that book to read. I smiled and immediately read it thinking of Andrew and Addi. We haven't read it in awhile so I thought it was especially fitting that off all the books, Finn chose that one. One of my favorites.

Heaven did blow every trumpet that night - as sweet Andrew was welcomed with love.

Addi's mom said... [Reply to comment]

Beautiful words for a beautiful boy. Xoxo

The Tale of Three P's said... [Reply to comment]

Beautifully written.

Kari at A Grace Full Life said... [Reply to comment]

Ohhh I feel this for you.
You honored him perfectly.
I am hugging you from afar.

Veronica said... [Reply to comment]

Still so unfair, still so sad. He'll always be loved and remembered.

Those words are so sweet and speak so true. What love you have for him. I feel it in every word.

Anne said... [Reply to comment]

Happy Birthday to your sweet baby boy, sending lots of love

Emily said... [Reply to comment]

I love the ornament idea, although I'm not sure I could ever cut up the one outfit Aidan wore. Not like that outfit's doing anything magnificent sitting in a drawer though...

Sounds like a day a 3 year old would have enjoyed. Peace to you and your family.

Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

We read that book every day. It is a treasure.

Brandy I was doing okay today until I read this post. You guys spent your day as we spend Ava's birthdays. Together, being as gentle as possible and so incredibly sorrowful.

Sending love. Missing him too.

Laura Jane said... [Reply to comment]

Ghag is absolutely beautiful.

And now I'm crying again.

Because he should be here. You should know every toy he loves and what his favourite meal is and he should be stuffing his face with it for his third birthday.

damn.

And that candle being discontinued? faccccck.

Love you friend.

Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

honored to "know" you and your sweet andrew! thought about the life he would have alot yesterday and how he would be loving and terrorizing b...or vise versa!
you are an amazing mother and do an amazing job remembering your baby boy!

LookItsJessica said... [Reply to comment]

I'm sorry you had to endure another Dec 5th without your boy. It's completely unfair and will never be OK. You do a great job of celebrating Andrew.

Solange, Nik, Caitlin and Oliver said... [Reply to comment]

Always thinking of you guys.

Darcey said... [Reply to comment]

Beautifully written...brought me to tears!!

Amelia said... [Reply to comment]

I haven't been around much, and I've been 'marking as read' like crazy because of it. But this I saved. Because I knew that even though words are failing me, you'd be able to write what I can't.

I'm sorry I'm a hundred years late, but please know I've been thinking of you and your family non stop this month.