It's the Most HAPPY & SAD Time of Year....

We're kind of going big for Christmas this year. It wasn't intentional, but I've stocked up on things throughout the year, visited a toy resale and scored big, and made a purchase that I hope to not regret as a shared gift that will only be unveiled Christmas morning on Instagram. I have to leave some secrets, as you all know I won't be busting out with anymore "I'm pregnant" announcements (which is why most people read blogs in my age group anyway, KWIM?).

Some ramblings of the happy...

• We had a great Thanksgiving. I'll post about that on another day. 
• Benjamin told me he had to use the (public) toilet at the children's museum and he did. We celebrated.
• Claire is now pulling up to a stand, basically everywhere. 
• She's also cruising a bit. We think she'll be walking before 14 months (when Benjamin started).
• I signed up to bake loaves of bread for the local food pantry. Our church selects a local organization each year for an Advent Conspiracy to encourage us to spend less and give more. This year, it's that local food pantry. While I love giving, I've also volunteered there during my pregnancy with Andrew and yowza! Whole Foods hooks it up in there!
• I'm planning to donate toys for Benjamin's school toy drive for Toys-for-Tots. We will also be donating mittens and other items to decorate the tree (and donate) at his school.

Some ramblings of the sad...

Andrew's birthday is on Friday. He'd be four. It's always like a ton of bricks when Thanksgiving ends and all of a sudden it's December 1st. Because December 1st means his birthday is in four days and it sort of just takes the wind out of me each year. Every single day it seems, I meet kids his age. Younger, actually. It shocks me to see their big and able bodies and to know his never grew past the 7lb6oz I birthed.

We will celebrate with dinner at our favorite local burger chain that our kids love. We figure he'd love it, too. I'll buy a special dessert and we'll light candles and especially his candle. My in-laws sent us home with a gift for Andrew's birthday and my mom sent over another ornament for him and decorated a tree special and in honor of him at their house. They will also be setting off four Japanese paper lanterns in his honor this weekend to represent his fourth birthday.

Next Tuesday, we will attend the annual remembrance ceremony at a local church, specifically for families who lost children. I will bring an ornament and hang it. I will then drive back to the hospital I birthed all three of my children and retrieve it in January... the week Claire was born last year.

We will wait, as we always do, to decorate for Christmas until after his birthday is over. It's part of respecting his birthday, and partly because we want to leave space for our grief. Our house was heavily decorated just hours before Andrew died. We will probably never put a tree in that spot again. The first five windows to the Advent House (calendar) we have will remain empty in his honor every year. No decorations will be hung or placed until after we celebrate our firstborn. It just doesn't seem right any other way.