Monday, November 26, 2012

9 Months & 9 Days

When I found out I was pregnant with Benjamin, I immediately calculated a few things:
  • When my due date would be
  • Exactly how many days I was pregnant
  • When I'd have my first ultrasound with a (likely) heartbeat
  • How old he would potentially be come Andrew's 2nd birthday
The answer to the last one was 9 months. With this boy.

It seemed like ages away. And yet, here we are. My heart wanted desperately to assume that when Andrew's second birthday came around, I'd have a super mature and old boy that would be close in age so I would mend a fraction of my heart that longed for a boy of that age. But who am I kidding. Calculating the 4 months it took to get pregnant after Andrew and then the miscarriage and then gestating Benjamin until he was barely ripe, it still wouldn't make them close. Even if I birthed Benjamin the day after Andrew was born wouldn't make up for the emptiness my heart will always feel. All I wanted when I sat on that hospital bed as the nurses told me the news that shattered my life was to be pregnant again and press full speed ahead. 

What I really wanted was a do-over. With Andrew, of course. I wanted to rewind a few days to have some epiphany or realization that I needed to be induced and monitored before something fatal happened. Yet, I had no idea and that perfect little story we were writing about being happily married and traveling the world and buying a house and having our first baby and being overall perfect? Who knew we were writing a tragedy.

We have Andrew's brother to be thankful for and that should go without saying. We're thankful for him and frankly, we need him. My heart cannot handle the thought of the title of this post reading "9 Days" without more to the story. And yet, some of my fellow loss mothers still long for the siblings they wish they were mothering by now. At the very least. 

But these next 9 days? Those are Andrew's. Birthday dinner will be had and special dessert will be eaten, all to remember the life of a boy that forever changed ours. The weather at this time of year feels like it's drowning me. The winter air and first snows all remind me of what those fateful end-of-days looked like just two years ago. Seven-hundred some days is a whole lot of days.


Anne said... [Reply to comment]

Oh man, do I feel you on this one. I wish I had something really wonderful and profound to say, but instead I will just send love your way, for both of your boys.

Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

It's so hard. And I know the wind-up is likely to be worse than the day itself. But man. It's hard.

Renel said... [Reply to comment]

I know that feeling- the one where you want to be instantly pregnant again. It's like no other feeling. Intge midst of the worst tragedy digging into your soul for hope and primal need for a child you were robbed of. Wishing to become instantly pregnant. Of course the do-over and time machine thought is thepreferred route that is unavailable.
The counting of days. How close together these gloss would be apart. Both my girls to eachother and my boy to my second girl. Ugh the numbers run crazy in your head. They are never right. When Camille's 2nd birthday comes,Harlow will be 1 day short of 10 months old. Sigh.
It's so hard the happy and the sad. The thankfulness and the remiss and missing. So glad to have B, wishing so much for A. It's just a shitty mess and it will probably take it's toll in us every single year. Sending love to you especially during these next 9 days. I hope the special dinner and dessert with Benjamin can be a time to celebrate Andrew. I have not gotten to a place of celebration yet. I miss too much still. But I go through the motions Because we love so deeply. Hugs

Renel said... [Reply to comment]

Funny how B is totally giving that giraffe the stiff arm haha

Heather (Live.Love.Laugh.) said... [Reply to comment]

Love his shirt, such a cutie.

Hope's Mama said... [Reply to comment]

"All I wanted when I sat on that hospital bed as the nurses told me the news that shattered my life was to be pregnant again and press full speed ahead."

Oh god, me too.

Sorry been so slack at commenting, but I'm always here reading.

Thinking of you. I remember this time well (Angus was 9 or so months old as well come the second birthday).


Veronica said... [Reply to comment]

"What I really wanted was a do-over. With Andrew, of course. I wanted to rewind a few days to have some epiphany or realization that I needed to be induced and monitored before something fatal happened"

That is the story of my life. Right there. Sums it up. That time that passed where this perfect boy was alive, ready to be born....turned into something so terribly wrong.

Thinking of you, in these days to come especially.

Ben and Katie said... [Reply to comment]

I am already thinking of how I am going to celebrate! My bday is the day before and Ben's surgery on Wed...but I will be celebrating Andrews birthday in some way! Ben will be wanting a milkshake so I might just have to get an extra for me...with lots of whip cream of course!
Thinking of you and your boys often!

Addi's mom said... [Reply to comment]

Exactly. Just another post where I am constantly bobbing my head agreeing with you. A do over is what I really wanted too...I know it's what we all want. As much as I know two years is almost here there is something about the weather that really drives it home. Missing those baby A's forever and always <3

Party of Three Heads said... [Reply to comment]

There aren't any words to say that would make any more sense then exactly how you said it.. and I totally understand... that Benjamin, he is one cute little fella....

LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

Lady, I hear you. Loud and clear. Wanting those boys who are forever missing while loving their siblings. Wanting a do over? absolutely!

xox momma. these days are going to be tough. And of course I'm here anytime you want to chat.


Ps. BIG boy Benjamin! :)

Sarah said... [Reply to comment]

I so feel you on this. I told myself that I absolutely had to have a healthy baby before Genevieve's 2nd birthday, and now it's clear we won't make that deadline. To be 16 months out from losing her and still not pregnant is just horrible unfairness on top of tragedy.

I'll be thinking of your family, and Andrew, especially.

Caroline said... [Reply to comment]

I still want a do-over. In some weird universe where all these parallel lives can merge. I want a do-over and I want Cale. But I want Finn too. I want them both and it's ridiculously unfair that we don't have our first boys with us. But thank goodness gracious lawd almighty whoever that we have our second boys.