Wednesday, November 28, 2012


We bought a baby gate, and I installed it last night. In the near future, we'll be bolting down furniture and locking cabinets that wee little hands might want to explore. I was thinking of our latest adventures in babyproofing and it became evident that the whole idea of "babyproofing" carries a double-meaning for us loss parents.

The traditional term refers to proofing something as to make it impenetrable by the little creatures that live among us. Keeping them out of the medicine cabinet and such. However, in the babyloss sense, it's just another form of "proof" that there is a baby living and breathing and wreaking {fabulous} havoc in your everyday life. {To} Babyproof being the verb, and baby-proof being a noun. What I would've given two Decembers ago to have the latter for a reason.

When Andrew died, we had way too much baby-proof that there was a baby living in our house, yet obviously the game pulled a switch on us at the last minute and we lost. No proof was needed to rub salt in our wounds of despair. We couldn't rid ourselves of the baby-proof in the form of brightly-colored plastic toys and diaper boxes and baby cradling devices fast enough. And now, we're swimming in them again. We have gobs of proof that a baby lives among us. Our postal men and women (USPS, FedEx, UPS) who visit us often because of my obsession with buying everything from cooking supplies to toilet paper on Amazon comment on the baby in the jumperoo hanging out right by the window that they can see clearly walking up to our front door. It still catches me off-guard when they ask about the baby, because for so long, we didn't have anyone asking questions about our baby.

Who knew I'd overthink something so simple as installing a pressure-mounted gate between our kitchen and the foyer?


Melissa said... [Reply to comment]

I overthink everything related to Lillian. You are not alone there.

I overthink everything from diaper choices to is that diaper rash? Is it safe to babywear for more than 2 hours a day? I still take her temperature 3 times a day for no reason other than it makes me feel better.

It would be jarring to have strangers ask about "the baby" because there is another baby they are NOT asking about. That absence. Bitter, nagging absence.

Nicole said... [Reply to comment]

Babyproofing has been kind of bittersweet around here too. When we bought and moved into our current house, I was pregnant with Caroline. We planned on where to put baby gates, and how to lock the kitchen cabinets. Then she passed away. Thankfully, we hadn't done any of that babyproofing stuff, but we did have her nursery all bright and happy, reminding us that there was no baby living at our house. Now that Addalee is here, our house is torn apart more days than not. She is a tornado. It's beautiful. She's walking now and I've put off installing baby gates as long as it's safe to do so. We're installing our big stair gates this weekend, and I think I'll cry. It'll be a happy/sad cry, as it seems they are a lot!

Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

Amen to the overthinking.

I love this rumination on baby-proof. How much that proof hurt when it was evidence of a baby who was missing. How we don't take for granted all the baby-proof that surrounds us now. Well said, my friend.

Brie said... [Reply to comment]

You nailed it with this post. Brilliantly written, and I couldn't agree with you more, as I sit here at my dining room table, staring at a room strewn with toys that my two second tornado hit. Love this chaos I call my life (: it doesn't take away my yearning for my daughter, but it definitely makes me smile when I think about the fact that we finally have a living, breathing, healthy son to raise.

Happy holidays, Wilson's (:

Soak up all that proof !

Renel said... [Reply to comment]

This is a brilliant post and play on words and their meaning/double meaning...or at least meaning for us, baby lost mamas. Oh how a baby gate, random toy or tiny strewn sock can make our hearts swell with gratefulness for what we have this time around that we didn't last time.

Di said... [Reply to comment]

Ah the baby proof! I had a visitor exclaim the other day "it's so great to see your house not immaculate... It means good things!", I never thought I'd feel glad someone told me my house was messy but the contrast to where we were 14 months ago is so good... We have the baby proof!!

LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

Proof is exactly what it is, isn't it?

Thank goodness for the need to babyproof.

Shell said... [Reply to comment]