Saturday, March 5, 2011

Letters to Andrew {1}

My mom recommended I write a letter to Andrew a few months ago and it hasn't felt right... until now. It's March 5th. Today, under "normal" circumstances, I'd have a baby boy that just turned 3 months old. I don't know how many letters I'll write, but I numbered this one just in case.

Dear Baby Andrew,

Today is full of sadness for me. First, it's the 3-month anniversary of your birth, which means we've gone 3 whole months without you in our lives. Second, it's Saturday. You know how I feel about Saturdays since they are family days-- it's not the same without having you here. We're a family of 3 minus 1. Finding the energy to enjoy today is already a battle. The weather is cold. Snow is flurrying outside. It's days like this when I wish we were living in Cali at the beach again.

I wonder what you are like right now. Will you always be the 7lb.6oz. baby I birthed? Are you growing up in heaven just like all the other babies that are born and still here on earth? I truly don't know what a 3-month old would be like since you are the only baby we've ever conceived. I haven't read the milestones for 3-month old babies because it's too painful to know what we're missing as we cannot watch you grow.

Another thing I think about a lot is that you won't ever get to experience meeting your amazing dad. He is so supportive and the most loving person I've ever met. I bet you would have been just like him. You really looked like him when you were born. I was amazed at how much you looked like both of us. Your dad is so mild-mannered and was so proud to be your father.

So here we are, carrying on in life without you. It's as painful as it was when we found out you went to heaven. Someday we hope to make you a big brother. Our family will never be entirely complete without you here, though. Know that I love you with my entire heart and think of you every single day.



LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

That's a lovely letter. :)

Shae said... [Reply to comment]

I can't say that I know how you feel because I did get to bring my boy home. However, when I put myself in your shoes, imagining what it must feel like, it's devastating! I can't even begin to imagine your pain, yet it brings me such great sadness to think of how it very well could have been for me.
I hope your heart heals, although I know it will forever be scarred.
Your letter is precious.

Molly said... [Reply to comment]

My grief counselor also recommended writing a letter, but like you, I wasn't ready. My first one was about four months after his death. I also did one last weekend at grief camp. I get so emotional because I have SOOOOOOO much to say that I can't put into words. Lovely letter though. :)

Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Andrew. I love that you shared this letter, though. I have written a few to Eliza, although I haven't published them on my blog. I put them in her baby book. Your love for your son is so visible here.

boo and stacy arnold said... [Reply to comment]

Still praying constantly for you Brandy. Peace be to your soul.

Solange, Nik and Caitlin said... [Reply to comment]

Thought of you guys yesterday :)It's such a beautiful letter, Brandy. Miss you.

My New Normal said... [Reply to comment]

I just found your blog and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son at 36 weeks back in August of 2010 so I understand what you are going through.

I think your letter is beautiful. I haven't written any letters to my son, maybe I will give it a go. I am also your newest follower.

Holly said... [Reply to comment]

I'm sorry for the loss of your precious baby boy. Losing a child is so very hard. ((hug)) I have added your sweet angel to my angel friends list.

Sassy said... [Reply to comment]

I've come across your blog and wanted to say that I'm so sorry to read about your loss. Your letter has tears in my eyes, reminding me just how precious life is. Such a beautiful letter. I wish you healing and much support from those around you.