Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Love and Fear

Thinking about how much I love my husband makes me cry sometimes. I've said it before, but I don't really cry happy tears... so this is a huge deal. I didn't cry on our wedding day, but I have cried so many times about the joyful love I have for him since losing our son. I never had a chance to cry happy tears at the birth of my son, because he wasn't born into life. Losing our son has made this love I have for my husband even deeper. I think it's all attributed to a few things: physically seeing the most gorgeous baby that was both of us, knowing and realizing love is truly all that matters in this world, and the fear that love brings {more on this below}.

He sent me a love letter yesterday (he's on a business trip) and it's one I never want to forget. It was sent at such a poignant time. He wrote it shortly after we hung up from a phone call with one another where I was crying. Nothing new there... but I digress. I love him for the strength that he bears. At the risk of embarrassing him, I have to post it. This is our life and I want to remember the broken times, but also those critical pieces and moments that get us through it. Love definitely gets me through.

You are absolutely the love of my life. Every day of my life is now a dream
come true... years in the making.

I know we are in a terrible terrible valley right now, but God is good...
and we will get through it.

I am here with you every step and prepared to do anything you think will
help us go forward.

I miss you tons, and can't wait to be back in your arms.

He's gorgeous. His looks, but his integrity, heart, vulnerability, support... he is so much more than the man I married and thought I loved with my entire heart. I did, but that love has changed and it's so incredibly rich now. I think this is another Andrew lesson learned. He is teaching us how to love one another so much deeper.

Now onto the fear.

Ever since losing our baby, I fear losing my husband. I know it's irrational, but much of the thoughts I'll have for the rest of my life will be that way. I can't control that and I don't want to. Our circumstances are our own and they mold us. My stupid, irrational thoughts are still mine and I won't deny or bury them. I fear losing my husband on an airplane as he travels for these business trips and those letters (like above) being all I have left of him. I want to throw nothing away until I know he is safe and sound with me at home. I always had these fears, but now that I know tragedies really can hit my once invincible self, the fears are more advanced.

We joke about Andrew's future siblings being so beyond smothered by us. We want to take nothing for granted and want to make sure they are safe and infinitely loved. We knew we'd love our kids and be pretty great parents, but they have no idea what crazies we've become because of losing our firstborn.

I was rummaging through whatever photos I could find on my desktop and found this gem. Look at those gorgeous eyes. I bet my son had those same beautiful eyes. I'll never know, but I bet they were perfect. I do know that he had ultra-fair skin and super blond hair with long, blond eyelashes, just like my husband. <3


LauraJane said... [Reply to comment]

What a beautiful letter. :)

I have the same irrational fears... I think about the people around me I could lose. I don't think I could do it without Scott... I can't even begin to imagine.

It's amazing what love can do for you, eh?

B. Wilson said... [Reply to comment]

You're such a Canadian, LJ. {eh?}


Nik said... [Reply to comment]

you do have an amazing husband. :) That letter made me cry by the way. You're not alone in that fear. I think about it everyday.
Love you B!

Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

Yup, same here. My husband has a long commute to work and when he first went back, I was seized with terror that he was going to be in a car accident. Also if my dogs aren't in the same room with me, I suddenly fear that they have dropped dead. It's crazy but I think that if my baby was taken away so suddenly and unexpectedly, what's to keep everyone I love from dying the just same? And I know the flip side of this is that we're blessed--some people never have so much to lose. But the fear is very real.

Keleen said... [Reply to comment]

I didn't cry at my wedding either, but I could cry thinking about my husband now. It's just a deeper love that is a gift from our babies.

Newlywed Next Door said... [Reply to comment]

This was so sweet.

I totally fear that my husband is going to die a lot too. I go on business trips and when I can't get ahold of him after work I start to wonder if he's gotten a car wreck and the hospital doesn't know how to get ahold of me. So irrational. But I think I'm just so much more aware of how fragile life is now.

LookItsJessica said... [Reply to comment]

Hi-- I don't think I have posted a comment on your blog but I have been reading it for a few days now.

I lost my firstborn as well about 3 weeks ago. I just want to say that I relate to basically everything you said in this post. Fear of losing my fiance is very scary. I think it is what our brains do after we truly have lost an infinitely precious person. We cant help but be scared of losing the other most important person ever.

Take care


Krista and David Hart said... [Reply to comment]

What an awesome husband... so tender and thoughtful. Thanks for sharing, Brandy.

e Liz said... [Reply to comment]

*Such* a beautiful letter! Yay for awesome husbands!! ~ who speak and live in deep love and so amazingly to our souls. I resonate with the rich love and lessons learned from our child too. The latter part had me remembering back to thinking of D’s commute too – hearing of trains derailed with the weather and even the train bombings in other similar cultures had me concerned for his safety too… something more keenly in the front of your mind after tragedy. So happy for your beautiful partnership and think it is super sweet you share too. Wonderful!! 

*Laura Angel said... [Reply to comment]

Amazing letter!! (((hugs)))