Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Watching the Clock, Wasting the Minutes, Merely Existing

From as far back as I can remember, I've always been anxious to press forward in life. There was always something to achieve, attain, graduate, seek, create, reach, {insert ambitious verb here}.

 I have an older brother who always reached milestones (logically) before I did. As a child, I was put into kindergarten early because my mom saw how much I desperately wanted to be at school like my older brother.

In high school, I counted the days until receiving my driver's license, graduating, and heading off to college.

In college, I wanted to just be done and start real life already. I really wish I could go give that girl a talking-to about now. I wanted to be done working my way through college (I waited tables) so I could get a real job and be like real people who had weekends free.

When I was teaching full time, I awaited Spring Break (ironically, schools in IL are out this week) so I'd be able to relax and do what I wanted.

After meeting my {future} husband and becoming engaged, I wanted to hurry on with life and just finally be married so we could start real life.

As we lived in Europe for 6 months, I wanted time to hurry up so we could finally settle down, buy a house, and plan out the rest of our lives. {I enjoyed Europe and the traveling aspect, but often during times we weren't traveling, felt like I was missing out on life back in the States. So silly in hindsight. I am SO thankful for that experience.}

When we moved to Illinois, I became pregnant. This was, to my knowledge, the only time in my life I didn't press forward and hope for the minutes to pass by faster. Nearing the end of my pregnancy, I did get anxiety like most women do; anxious to finally meet our new baby... but I was content with how life was going. It was going the way I wanted it to-- the way I always planned it to be. Other than being anxious to start motherhood, I didn't look too much further.

Now, I find myself counting the minutes again. Counting the minutes until I'm pregnant again. Until we finally hold our second baby in our hands. Until the workday ends so I can spend time with my husband. Until our next trip/vacation. Until my new shoes are delivered (trivial, but true). Until we are further down the grief road and can find room to breathe and answer questions with ease and without tears.

I feel like I'm wasting time. We only have one life on earth to live and although I've not been dealt all the cards I expected or wanted, I know that I need to embrace life. It's so much easier to do when you can see hope ahead or signs of recovery. Praying each day that my soul will be calmed in this state of limbo I find myself existing in at the moment.

Side note: of course as I was Googling images of "watching the clock" I found an image that I liked. I clicked on it. The irony: It was from some woman's baby blog ranting about how her son still wasn't born yet and she was tired of being pregnant. Why of course. {Sigh}


Shell said... [Reply to comment]

On this pregnancy journey we have no control and that sucks. I hope your waiting is over soon and that you have a baby in your arms. Oh and hope your shoes get delivered soon!

Becky said... [Reply to comment]

I am right there with you counting the days and minutes until I can and am pregnant again. I pray we both will get our rainbow babies soon enough

Molly said... [Reply to comment]

I have certainly felt the same. I think we are all at a sort-of stand still until the next pregnancy. It sucks that our lives feel like they've stopped in time, although the clock is ticking. Since the next pregnancy will be nearly impossible to enjoy, I am afraid I'll be wishing it to hurry up and go, as well. If only we could get to that point! I still haven't been told when I can try again. My appt isn't until Apr. 27 to find out. I will go nuts if he makes me wait much longer. At least if I am trying I will feel like I am doing something (in addition to my list, of course, haha) to move forward toward happiness.

Brooke said... [Reply to comment]

I also feel like we are in limbo. Our life just stopped and I want to hurry up and get to the point where things get better but I also don't want to move forward without Eliza and more than anything I want to go back in time and make everything work out the way it was supposed to.

Olaina.PhotosAndArt said... [Reply to comment]

I completely understand what you mean. After my miscarriage and ensuing postpartum depression it took lots of therapy to get to a place where I could just BE, and be in the moment. It was in that calmer state that things finally started to come together--and, against all odds, we got pregnant again.

Darcey said... [Reply to comment]

I was just commenting the same thing to my girlfriend...i have never wanted to see a positive pregnancy test so bad in my life. I can't remember the last time 3 months have felt like 10 years. I truly believe once we become pregnant with our rainbows as scary as it will be, a little bit of that excitement will return to our lives. Good Luck!!!!

JoyAndSorrow said... [Reply to comment]

Sorry this comment is coming late, as I am just now reading through your blog, but I relate to this SO much. I couldn't wait to be done with college, get married, get a house, get a career established, earn my Master's, etc. Get pregnant, have my twins, and THEN finally enjoy life. Now I am a bereaved parent in so many ways, because not only to I mourn the loss of my son, but I mourn all those years I was waiting for everything to fall into place instead of just living in and enjoying the moment. I will never make that mistake again, as I realize there's no way for everything to fall into place ever again, because the place for my son should be in my arms insted of in an urn on a shelf.