Thanksgiving Fun + Tree Adventures

About a month ago, my husband got word that you could cut down your own tree in the wild with the purchase of a $10 permit. That's it. You hand over $10 to the National Forest Service and they give you an official sticker and map of places you're allowed to cut.

We had a full weekend of fun, starting with a 10k Turkey Trot with our little turkeys in the stroller followed by dinner at some friends' house and asleep in a hotel bed at a cute little Inn in Incline Village, Nevada (it's on Lake Tahoe). Night one, we all take a swim in the amazingly heated (like spa-temps!) pool and find ourselves in bed late and then quickly awoken to the sound of vomit coming from the kids' bed. Mmmhmm. The shared bed. Benjamin didn't wake at all.

We grab Claire up and clean her up, manage the bed as best we could and put her back. She promptly vomits again. We clean her up again and the rest of the night was quiet, except I never slept much because I anticipated that terrible sound again... #momlife also, #vomitistheworstpartofparenting

She was good for the following day, so we explored three different ski resorts and I got a massage in Squaw Valley from my birthday gift stash. We explored South Tahoe and eventually made our way back for another warm swim and some Christmas shows on television before a good night of sleep.

Saturday was a day for more swimming, sledding and more exploration before heading back down the mountain and grabbing our tree permit for the following day.

We trekked about an hour south of our home into the Northern California Toiyabe Forest and promptly found ourselves in a winter wonderland that also made for some fun adventures trying to get our new Subie out of the deeper-than-we-estimated snow. We finally found a suitable spot and trekked about 1/3 mile into the snowy woods and crossing a stream to find our tree. There are just so many great memories from this, but probably not from Claire's perspective since she refused the gloves we tried to put on her. Instead she spent the better half of the adventure screaming, as you can see from the quintessential family picture here.

We'd been tree cutting at farms in the past, but nothing compares to trekking through the wilderness with just a map and your senses to find the tree! it's a wild tree, so it's not the perfect spruce trees you expect when spending $ at the tree lots, but it's perfectly ours and we love it. Benjamin was 100% into this adventure and wanted to be a part of everything. He complained nil and it was so awesome to share that adventure with him.

We typically wait until after Andrew's birthday for the tree presentation in our home, but our kids were excited and it's getting harder to hold them back as they get older. Plus, our weekends are getting more and more booked as the holidays approach and we had a free afternoon. Still feels foreign, but being from nature and in the mountains where I feel closest to him (and God), it almost felt like he was with us, exploring, adventuring and indulging in this excitement. Plus, an added bonus is having his ornaments up for the whole month of his birth.

It was quite the weekend and nothing short of memorable. Seriously, how have more people not found out about Reno? Most people give  me the confused look or question when I mention it, but I honestly bet you would be amazed... as amazed as we are. It's like a best-kept secret of the West and we're in love.

Amazon Cart Full. Christmas is TWO Months Away. For Reals

I'm always so curious what people store in their Amazon cart. If you're like me, you keep a healthy supply of things saved there to watch the prices fluctuate and until you feel totally ready to press that final submit button. Oftentimes, the things get removed as I change my mind and move on.

I've made a list of things I'm considering purchasing for the kids for Christmas and their birthdays (that happen 1-2 months post Christmas) and now I ponder, reconsider, wait for prices to drop and for deals to be had.

This year the kids are getting all share gifts. I don't see a reason for gender-specific toys and really, they share everything anyway, whether it has one name on it or the other. Aside from stocking stuffers that aren't so much share-friendly (socks, toothbrushes, undies), gifts will be unwrapped together and played with together. I also wanted to center around gifts that can be played with by them both at the same time. They are each others' best friend, so I want to continue to foster this special relationship.

The Biggie: This HAPE Wooden Doll House + Furniture

I teetered between the Melissa & Doug Hi Rise one and this, but the elevator on the M&D one made me nervous that they'd break it, plus this one just seems a tad cuter to me. Though, I do like that garage on the M&D one. And confirmed, my local friend has that one with the elevator and she's confirmed it's no longer functional.

There are some accompanying things I might get for birthdays to follow like the baby nursery set and the bunkbed kid furniture set, but we'll see. They are just so stinking cute being so little. Melissa and Doug also has this cute wooden car with people that would work pretty well paired with this dollhouse stuff.

The kids love those little choking hazards called marbles, so thinking a Marble Genius Marble Runner to build would be fun. Benjamin plays with one at his preschool and they have some wooden ones we play with at the Discovery Museum.

Benjamin totally fixated on a Playdough creation set at Target the other day. And since then, his Gawbee went ahead and treated him to it. I might get one he hasn't seen before since it looks like it would be less painful to watch the color-mixing. The wheels are stamps on this Cinderella carriage and it can also probably be used in conjunction with the dollhouse for crossover play. Or maybe that one can just be eliminated from the list, because #playdough. Every parent knows how SUPER FUN it is to clean.

And finally, I was thinking about LEGO. The kids have Duplo we still play with quite a bit and I have a big bag of LEGO Friends pieces to introduce that I scored for a ridiculously amazing price of $3 at a thrift store. (I miss you, Salvation Army on 75th and Lemont in Darien, IL.) The big bag I scored also has LEGO people that can also be used in the dollhouse. See where I'm going with the imaginative play? Finally, we can have small pieces because Claire is almost three and they aren't babies anymore. (Plus, she's never been much of an oral kid.) I want to buy this LEGO Advent calendar for them to share. They would trade off days and then help one another construct. Perhaps it's too advanced, but the creations are really simple and festive. This one might turn into an annual tradition. Update: It's on the way in the mail. I'm so excited to stick it in our hanging Advent Calendar to construct each winter day. I don't know which one we're getting, because I won it in a giveaway! But I think any of the three will be a blast, though I'm partial to the original because I like all of the creations better than the other two.

I'm really curious what the rest of you are buying for Christmas for your kids! Have you even thought about it, or are you totally just buried to your elbows in figuring out Halloween? I've sort of skipped right over the stress of that and moved onto the easy stuff-- things I can put in my Amazon cart that magically appear on my doorstep thanks to my new Prime account my parents gifted me with for my birthday earlier this month.

And honestly, while all the stuff above is nice, my kids have so many toys and so many I weed through regularly that are either junky, not played with, or below their level. Christmas isn't all about the stuff. We're just so, so lucky as Americans to have all that we do that we can casually think about Christmas in terms of a full Amazon cart. It's so easy to become jaded. Hashtag #firstworldchristmas.

Merry Christmas

From our family to yours. Wishing love and peace to you all.

Best of 6. Toddlers are impossible with photos. Heavily bribed to sit on my lap because a present was waiting (Buzz Lightyear!) and allowing him to press the self-timer before hopping on my lap. Green Christmas sweaters were a gift from family. Notice Andrew's print. I'm sure you already did. 

It's the Most HAPPY & SAD Time of Year....

We're kind of going big for Christmas this year. It wasn't intentional, but I've stocked up on things throughout the year, visited a toy resale and scored big, and made a purchase that I hope to not regret as a shared gift that will only be unveiled Christmas morning on Instagram. I have to leave some secrets, as you all know I won't be busting out with anymore "I'm pregnant" announcements (which is why most people read blogs in my age group anyway, KWIM?).

Some ramblings of the happy...

• We had a great Thanksgiving. I'll post about that on another day. 
• Benjamin told me he had to use the (public) toilet at the children's museum and he did. We celebrated.
• Claire is now pulling up to a stand, basically everywhere. 
• She's also cruising a bit. We think she'll be walking before 14 months (when Benjamin started).
• I signed up to bake loaves of bread for the local food pantry. Our church selects a local organization each year for an Advent Conspiracy to encourage us to spend less and give more. This year, it's that local food pantry. While I love giving, I've also volunteered there during my pregnancy with Andrew and yowza! Whole Foods hooks it up in there!
• I'm planning to donate toys for Benjamin's school toy drive for Toys-for-Tots. We will also be donating mittens and other items to decorate the tree (and donate) at his school.

Some ramblings of the sad...

Andrew's birthday is on Friday. He'd be four. It's always like a ton of bricks when Thanksgiving ends and all of a sudden it's December 1st. Because December 1st means his birthday is in four days and it sort of just takes the wind out of me each year. Every single day it seems, I meet kids his age. Younger, actually. It shocks me to see their big and able bodies and to know his never grew past the 7lb6oz I birthed.

We will celebrate with dinner at our favorite local burger chain that our kids love. We figure he'd love it, too. I'll buy a special dessert and we'll light candles and especially his candle. My in-laws sent us home with a gift for Andrew's birthday and my mom sent over another ornament for him and decorated a tree special and in honor of him at their house. They will also be setting off four Japanese paper lanterns in his honor this weekend to represent his fourth birthday.

Next Tuesday, we will attend the annual remembrance ceremony at a local church, specifically for families who lost children. I will bring an ornament and hang it. I will then drive back to the hospital I birthed all three of my children and retrieve it in January... the week Claire was born last year.

We will wait, as we always do, to decorate for Christmas until after his birthday is over. It's part of respecting his birthday, and partly because we want to leave space for our grief. Our house was heavily decorated just hours before Andrew died. We will probably never put a tree in that spot again. The first five windows to the Advent House (calendar) we have will remain empty in his honor every year. No decorations will be hung or placed until after we celebrate our firstborn. It just doesn't seem right any other way.

Christmas 2013 in Pictures

So here we are. As we say another good riddance to December and hello to another year, I'll share some of the pictures we took of Benjamin during his second Christmas. 

Cookies for Santa (husband's head cut off because it was blurry) & stocking stuffers!

 The video is a bit long, but the first 30 seconds are worth sharing... turn up the volume as it's difficult to hear otherwise.

Presents on Christmas morning... still doesn't really get it.

New headphones that look like Daniel Tiger, strawberry milk straws and excited about the cookie his CA grandparents sent (that he ate for breakfast!).

This boy is becoming quite the champ with drinking from a cup. Smoothies to wash down the cookie & a smoothie mustache.

Here's to hoping January brings us a little sister for Benjamin to grow up with.

Christkindlmarkt Chicago

The weekend before Christmas, we hopped on a train from our suburb and headed to Downtown Chicago for the Marshall Field's/Macy's windows and Christkindlmarkt. Since we lived in Europe all through the winter, we visited Christmas markets in many different countries. It's such a fun experience and there is always something fun to eat. We went with good friends who also have a boy about Benjamin's age.

I knew the highlight for Benjamin would be the train ride. He loves transportation and recently began liking trains more. He refers to them as "choo-choo" and even does the train horn with his arm. We had been talking it up and when we finally got on the train, he was excited.

Ready for the ride! On the train with his buddy, Aaron.



Windows at Macy's. Surprisingly, Benjamin loved them!

Photo in front of the Walnut Room tree at Macy's where we plan to have lunch when Benjamin is a bit older - Headed to the Christmas market about a block from Macy's

$7 pretzel, almost entirely for the photo (but also so I could eat 75% of it with delicious German mustard)

Fam photo, the dads drinking some Gluhwein and all the delicious food we bought (sausage, soups, pretzels...)

 It was great fun and we hope to make it a tradition. I know a certain little boy who will be more than fine with another choo-choo ride in his future.

*On the pregnancy front: I'll update more once I speak to my OB tomorrow about a new condition I might have that may put me at even more risk... like I needed that. I've been stressed about it for the last week and still have 4 weeks to go until we meet our daughter. Hate to be negative, but I have to be realistic... just hope she comes home with us alive and healthy. Until then, holding my breathe. Post to follow. Still living the "if" and not the "when" train with this. I hate pregnancy.

Fourth Tearful Christmas

You'd think having a 22-month old during Christmas would do the trick to rid me of the grief that plagues me every single holiday... and really everyday. But it hasn't. For the most part, I spent the time leading up to Christmas busy researching, purchasing, wrapping, shipping, etc. I spent time in the post office and directing most of my energy to the toddler running about me. I actually enjoyed buying gifts for people this year because each one was well thought and something I knew they would like. I've been well distracted and for that, I'm grateful. On days where we're not off to the children's museum, playhouse or storytime and distractions are at a minimum, I struggle the most. Today is one of those days.

I didn't do the decorating this year. I sat at my computer while my amazing husband worked around me to make our home look festive. I didn't participate. I haven't participated since the day before Andrew died. I want Benjamin to have a childhood filled with wonder and excitement, but I just have a hard time getting in the spirit around this time of year. His birthday was just 20 days ago. Another one passes on and another one we're left in longing for what should be.

I laid awake from 2:30-5:00 this morning with pregnancy insomnia, battling the fear I have of Andrew and Benjamin's little sister not making it out alive. I thought about how it was already Christmas morning and what that means to most families. I just don't feel the magic. Benjamin still doesn't understand Christmas or Santa or the decorations. All he understands is that the Advent house has a treat for him everyday. He wasn't very interested in opening presents.

I'm tired of being pregnant and fearful. I've done so well up until this week and now it's finally hitting me that we have less than 5 weeks to go until my induction and we're uncertain if we'll be bringing this baby home in a carseat or in something much, much smaller. I have some new complications that are plaguing me and having me rethink Andrew's death and if what I'm experiencing now is what may have also contributed to his demise.

I desperately want a normal birth experience and to bring a baby home without the worry. I fear that our induction date is too late that we'll end up with another stillborn baby. I fear that an earlier induction date will send us back to the NICU. I fear Benjamin may never realize what it's like to have a living sibling. I fear so much.

This is our fourth Christmas in this house. In Illinois. And it has never, ever felt right because our first one was robbed of all the magic by losing him. I sat in our formal living room alone after all the gifts and festivities this morning and just cried. I wished for the tree to be gone. I'm ready for December to end. With so many things to be thankful for, I'm sobbing because I miss what should be so, so much.

Friday Mayhem

• I woke up (without an alarm clock) at 5:15 a.m. to get to my local Safeway chain store (Dominick's) because they just marked all grocery items to 50% off. Diapers were 50% off last week and I missed it, so I was definitely not missing this one. I may have loaded up the equivalent of 3 full carts and spent over $400. Liquor goes on sale next Friday. Watch out, people. I'm only pregnant until the end of January and then game-on. I have a list of favorite wines and craft beers we'll be adding to our somewhat embarrassing collection we already have going thanks to a certain wine club my mom signed us up for. Totally awesome, but the UPS guy is starting to question if I have a drinking problem. And to be 8-months pregnant with these deliveries? Yeah. Nobody call child services. Thanks.
• I have been happily adding to our Christmas card pile which I stick in Andrew's stocking in our formal living room. I make sure to put some of my favorite faces toward the front so I can stare at them. Cards that mention Andrew in this season also get front status.
• Speaking of my loved boy, we went to that remembrance ceremony on Tuesday. We both left saying how much we love that tradition to honor our boy every year with a room full of people who are honoring their children/grandchildren as well. There's just something to be said for attending a ceremony where every person in there knows the heartbreak of losing a child. But Andrew's brother... oh my. Benjamin, on the other hand, was the cutest and most silly boy on the planet that evening. He was playing "peek(-a-bo)" with people behind us, laughing, jumping, saying clap and then doing so over and over and over again. Not the time or place, but he is just reminding us how much of a light he is in our lives. What is nice about this ceremony is that there are families with other kids but also missing kids. When I was pregnant with Benjamin and we attended out first one, I just remember not being jealous but longingly hoping we'd be bringing back our own baby to remember our firstborn in the coming years. The woman behind us had a boy around 6 months and told me that her son's name that she was there to remember is also Andrew. And the people in front of us were remembering their son Hayes, just like my friend Molly. The only tough spot is seeing the visibly, newly broken individuals and families that attended. I know those shoes.
• It's my amazing husband's birthday today and although I was planning to make him brownies for his birthday, I scored a $1.50 pumpkin pie (also a favorite of his) that we're having instead.
• We met him at work and headed to lunch, but we're staying in to eat some of the food I bought this morning in the mayhem. I'm so sad that store is closing. I remember moving into our house quite excited that my favorite grocery store chain was not only in the Chicago 'burbs, but just over a mile from my house. And now they are no more. Sad day.
• I'm really excited about the Christmas gifts we purchased for people this year. I even bought something for my husband! We're not much for gifting one another because we prefer experiences and to choose our own things... but this year I think I hit the jackpot. Somehow, Benjamin made out like a bandit, too. I wasn't intending on spending much on the little guy, but it's so hard to let things go when I find things I know he'll love.

Andrew's 2013 Ornament

Tonight is the annual remembrance ceremony for babies gone too soon in our local area. Each year we go and hang Andrew's ornament for the year and they speak his name. It hangs on the tree that is then displayed at the hospital I delivered my boys and will deliver their little sister in the new year. I only wish his ornament would still be hung when I'm checked in for a hopefully happy and uneventful induction. The dates will be too far apart, so that won't happen. But what a lovely thought.

We weren't able to attend last year, though we did attend another ceremony in his honor. But this year, I'm happy we're back to the tradition of remembering our firstborn with hundreds (yep) of other families also missing their babies who passed on too soon. It's a very different remembrance ceremony. We'll see parents, siblings, grandparents, and all kinds of other supporters who either lost their own baby or love a family who did. It's really quite special... and totally heartbreaking. But if there is one single place I feel totally at home each year, it's in a room full of these other people. Especially during the holiday season.

This year, I couldn't decide what I wanted to do for Andrew's ornament. Many of my babyloss friends had an ornament exchange/secret Santa, but I was too late for the signup. Next year, I hope to be a part and use that special ornament as his 2014 addition. This year, I chose to get very brave and follow in the footsteps of one of my friends by creating an ornament of his things. I was originally going to add things in a clear bulb ornament that reminded me of him, but I really wanted something more. I was anxious about it, but I made the decision to spend naptime on his birthday last Thursday cutting the clothes he wore and a special outfit we bought that I just had sitting in the closet for the last three years waiting for him. It just never did feel right dressing Benjamin in that outfit. It was very much chosen with Andrew in mind and so special to us. Surprisingly, cutting the only clothes he ever wore was not as terrible as I imagined. I think it was because I wanted to make it so beautiful and worthy of displaying in his honor that I allowed myself to carry through. Also, my friend brought up a great point that while the pieces of clothing would remain whole and in a box, they would only be infrequently seen when I opened the box. This way, I can see pieces of him for an entire month displayed on our tree during the month of his birth.

He wore everything in this photo except that beautiful sweater outfit we picked out just for him. Not to share with siblings or to hang in a closet for three years. The blue ribbon on the right came from one of my baby showers. All of the items on the left were worn or touched by him. Baptismal gown (with ribbons & angel cut off that I used in ornament to tie swatches of clothing in a roll, hat, hospital blanket, blue outfit that says "Thank Heaven for Little Boys"-- breaks my heart, pants and booties). I did not choose any of those outfits and assume that all but the blanket are specifically for babies who die. I'll never ask. I don't think it matters that I know.

The card is in his box of things but thought I'd include his cute footprint. The pom from the hat above, swatch from his blanket with the ring they had him holding in many of our NILMDTS photos (symbolism?), the blue outfit with an airplane, a piece of the baptismal gown with an angel that was attached to it... all wrapped in either ribbon from my baby shower or the ribbon off the baptismal gown.

I stuck the piece of the beautiful sweater outfit in the ornament before photographing. I couldn't get it out... so pretend it's in that last picture. :)

I wrapped a piece of the blue ribbon around the top of the ornament and attached the little angel bead and "A" they had with the little gold ring from the hospital. I am assuming this was a gift from another babyloss mom or sweet citizen.

Finally, I added an "a" from the letters I used to create a sign above his crib that spelled out his name. The capital letters were gone, but I used the lowercase "a" and attached it to the cardstock paper I also used in the frame above his crib along with smaller confetti-like pieces for the bottom of the ornament (not visible).

I won't be bringing this ornament tonight, but the ornament we had made on Etsy last year that we could not bring to the ceremony. I just can't bring this one. I fear something happening to it and never receiving it back. The ornaments are returned at the ceremony the following year. However, this one is currently being displayed on our tree and will be forevermore.

Aunt Samantha Comes to Town

For Thanksgiving, Benjamin's Aunt Samantha came to visit. That made for one very happy little boy. We celebrated a little differently and had a Mexican feast. Since there were three adults and only one toddler, I was actually able to get in the kitchen and cook! A rare treat these days.

On the menu for Thanksgiving: steak and veggie enchiladas with a homemade tomatillo enchilada sauce, sweet corn cakes, yellow rice, homemade guacamole and Trader Joe's Karat Cake for dessert (don't waste your time. Chocolate ganache cake will far exceed your expectations... this barely meets them).

Aunt Samantha came bearing gifts from Benjamin's Maryland grandparents! Among them was a very cool tractor nightlight that Benjamin refers to as a truck because he hasn't nailed down the word tractor quite yet. He loves it. You can gauge how much he loves something by the number of times he says it in a row. The count was off the charts. We went shopping, ate lots, went out to a delicious lunch and Skyped with Benjamin's grandparents.

We even went to see Santa! Our local Bass Pro Shop was having Santa and friends at their store and boy was that awesome! I totally recommend it. Free carousel, crafts, trains, mini exhibits and of course, Santa and company! We love that store anyway because of how huge it is and the big fish tank in the middle, but seeing the Easter Bunny earlier in the year and now Santa (but more important to Benjamin were Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman... as he literally followed them everywhere they went) have definitely added to the cool factor of the store.

Santa didn't phase him at all. My kid is quite cool having complete strangers hold him. Sigh...

B loves his Aunt Samantha so much that when she was reading one afternoon, he grabbed the iPad (that he was playing on in the kitchen) and walked to the formal living room where she was laying. He crawled up on the couch and just sat with her to be close. So sweet. Aunt Samantha even went with us to a gymnastics class. And as if he didn't love her enough... she left a special "deet" for him on the bed after she left. It took him no more than 20 minutes to find that deet and inhale it. Really fun weekend!

And that mullet in the last photo? It's gone. Dad cut it this weekend.

98 Days. Gulp.

I read on a blog today that we're under the 100 day mark until Christmas. Which means we're close to 2014. Which means we are even closer to a certain beloved boy's 3rd should-be-awesome-but-it's-gonna-suck birthday.

I won't carry on about the cool things he'd be doing, saying, or bringing home from preschool. Okay, maybe that was enough.

Dang.

I'm never ready for the seasons to change because that means we'll be at another candlelight vigil {just like my friend Brooke commented about yesterday} instead of excitedly pulling out the Christmas ornaments and decorating the tree. We'll still do that, but it still stings. We decorated our tree and home hours before delivering Andrew. Then we got to come home to all that festive crap, making the holiday sting even more painful. Not that I wanted him to die ever, but I sure wouldn't have chosen a December doomsday.

We had to turn down a Christmas party already because it landed on the dreaded 5th and of course that day is not a day to party it up for our family. We'll have a sensible dinner at the same local restaurant we went to last year and a dessert in honor of our firstborn. We'll attend the remembrance ceremony, light a candle and hang an ornament on the multiple trees they provide at the local ceremony for our dead children.

Gulp.

A Wilson Christmas

This was our first time officially celebrating Christmas in three years. I mean actually putting up a tree, decor, and engaging in normal behavior, mostly. I'd say it was different for sure. I still didn't find myself looking forward to the day like I did before Andrew was born. It seemed still a little suffocating, even having Benjamin here to celebrate with. Maybe it's because Benjamin is still too young to understand the whole hoopla over presents and Santa and all that jazz. It's not like he thought it was any different of a day than a normal Tuesday, so it didn't require us to be Disney Parents (happy! shiny! perfect!). We did find some joy in the day, mostly Skyping with both sets of grandparents and Benjamin's Aunt Samantha. I spent much of the day in the kitchen, as usual, creating and distracting myself from the holidays. We're pretty sure Benjamin is teething again, so the day was a loud one.

Dad's bibs from his first Christmas! 

Hanging out by the tree with Mom.
Our tree in the formal living room may be a staple every year. It's different than ever before, and close to Andrew.

Stocking surprise: bubbles! Of which he promptly bit through, making a hole in the plastic and spewing bubble liquid everywhere.

Benjamin was up at 6:30 along with boys and girls everywhere! Except, he didn't care much for presents.
We thought we'd have at least another year to sleep in on 12/25, but such was not our luck.
Dad was preparing B's first Lego Duplo set by spelling out his name in blocks: B-E-N-J-A-M-I-N
Andrew's stocking is in the background. I love having it there.
A rocking moose bought nearly 12 months ago in anticipation of a little boy we really hoped would be coming home with us. We feel so lucky.

A little Skype action with family.
Andrew love. Candles lit from remembrance service we attended Saturday for Andrew and other loved ones missing all around the world.

Cooking: Homemade tamales for the first time. Cheese, grilled onion, green chili, chicken (1/2). Should've added some oil, but otherwise delicious.

Finished product.
Margaritas are green and therefore festive, right?
Yes, that is more cabbage. This time, dressing is: 1 part oil, 3 parts lemon juice, salt, pepper-- marinade.
Also, a recent creation using my Blendtec blender: green poblano rice. Can use any food processor, though.
A homemade Christmas feast. Benjamin ate pea soup. Green peas = also festive.

• Received some wonderful news this morning that another loss family welcomed a new baby into the world on Christmas day. Been on pins and needles for them for months now. Congrats, M. 
• I love that it's halfway to the weekend, which means Ray will be home with us for more days soon.
• We seriously contemplated taking down Christmas last night. Still not terribly comfortable with all this.
• Is it sad I'm already itching for spring?
• I Amazon ordered B a JJ Cole BundleMe bunting bag for his stroller so on those more bearable days (not today), we can go out for some walks. I never did use the carseat BundleMe because I was too afraid it was unsafe.
• Pea soup in the crock pot right now. B loves it so much that I have been meaning to freeze a bunch of it to have on hand for a quick meal.
• All those collages I've been using? Caroline got me hooked on PicMonkey. I don't have to edit photos anymore! Just stick them in collages and... done! Much smaller file sizes.
• I have a present ready for our UPS guy and can't wait for him to deliver my Amazon order so I can give it to him. He visits our house way more than I'm willing to admit, always asks about Benjamin, and hauls all of our large/heavy packages into our foyer for me.
• I don't even know who our postal carrier is. They change like the wind around here.
• Already birthday planning for February! Just the thought that I have a child that was conceived, born, is growing, is learning... and will be turning a whole year makes me want to cry. For so long, this was all I dreamed. No other gift would do. 

Hoping you all had celebratory moments during the holiday season.

Good Tidings We Bring...

...to you and your kin...

...we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

*Two variations of our Christmas card this year. One with Andrew's prayer flag, and one with his ornament this year. We couldn't decide which one we liked better, so two were made. Mostly sent to family this year, but know that we hope your holidays are wonderful as well.

If you're missing a loved one this year, please know that you are not alone. We honor those family members with you and will be lighting a candle in honor of all those we're missing this holiday season.

Back to Decking the Halls

Well, it's back. The Christmas crap decor. It hasn't been seen since two years ago and if Benjamin weren't here, it'd probably still be collecting cobwebs. But, we are somewhat happy to oblige because we want him to have good memories. It's just hard because we decorated our home literally hours before I delivered Andrew. So needless to say, I re-live that day over and over in my head and it's not as pretty as our Christmas-music-blaring-and-decorating-party we were having thinking our son would be coming home just days later to see the decor himself. Hopefully I can make this a tad less depressing of a post. Meh.

Here's what Christmas looks like from the front of our abode.

This photo. With great deliberation, we decided Andrew's stocking (you know, the one we bought hours before he died, of course) would hang for him, but near his urn. I decided this year to place the cards people sent about him on his birthday inside the stocking. In future years, I don't anticipate many at all, so maybe that will be where the holiday cards go. I love the idea of Andrew's stocking carrying the love people send for our family. He's part. 

Tree Admiring

We have colored mini lights. Growing up, Ray had big, colored bulb lights. We also did, but the majority of my childhood was spent with mini white lights. Our compromise? Mini colored lights. I also think decorations on trees are for children and Benjamin deserves the colorful magic.

Watching Dad hang the wreaths on the doors.

 Making it his goal to suck on every. single. ornament. before it went on the tree.

Part of the mantle. The two stockings on the left are our newlywed stockings. The one on the right is actually one of three. I bought three stockings in 2010, two were green and one was red-- Andrew had the red. We were to be a family of three and he was to be born very soon. We had those three stockings hanging and the newlywed ones were being retired that year. I thought. Now Benjamin is here and we still think Andrew deserves his red stocking. And Benjamin needed one, so he received one of the green ones. If we have another kid, they'll get the other green one. If we're lucky. I sort of like Andrew having a special red one. It made us too sad to have his stocking on the mantle for it to remain empty each year, but it will hang still.

More fun decor. The tree is Pottery Barn and I bought it back in college. The snowman is a thrift purchase, and the 3 Santas are a gift from our tutor in Germany.

Our new Christmas addition of Andrew's name framed from Carly & African man dressed as Santa. I bought his hat and beard at Target a few years back. They're actually for dogs. He's holding a basket of Christmas cards we've received so far.

Maasai Elder African Santa

Our Christmas Pyramid. It's our big purchase from Germany.

Plate, ready for cookies for Santa. Dad is a cookie-monger. Cookies will be made.

The advent I researched and researched and bought and had sent to my in-laws house while we were living in Germany. I wanted it that bad. You know, because my kids would love it. Now, days 1-5 are reserved for Andrew and we'll probably start on December 8 as well. Random tidbit: I remember talking with my parents about how I wished Andrew wouldn't be born on December 7, because that's Pearl Harbor Day and that would be sad. Let's just say we'll be spending Days 1-7 of December in remembrance. We'll re-convene with the whole advent business beginning on the 8th-- when we can turn the house around.

We were discussing Christmas decor the other day. I remember vividly sobbing on the couch and staring at the lit Christmas tree in the corner. The stockings (three-- 2 green, 1 red) hanging and all the other decor perfectly out. We wanted to take pictures in front of the tree with Andrew when he arrived home. But instead, I sat there staring at the tree in shock. You know it's shock when you don't think to strip all of the ornaments off and ditch the tree out the door. As I look back, I had no idea what to do or how to react. We were in such disbelief that we were still in the sad and confused state, not angry. I don't remember when we put the decor away that year, but it's still surprising to me that we didn't rid the house of all the happy objects immediately. I guess we were too preoccupied with sobbing and trying to rid ourselves of the baby gear that was intermingled with the red and green.

To all those families who lost their children today, I'm beyond sad. I burst into tears a number of times listening to the media depict the day's events. This world is such a dark and evil place at times. It saddens me greatly to know so many families have joined such heartbreak.